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Internet Oracularities #134

Goto:
134, 134-01, 134-02, 134-03, 134-04, 134-05, 134-06, 134-07, 134-08, 134-09, 134-10


Usenet Oracularities #134    (10 votes, 3.6 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 6 Mar 90 23:15:59 -0500

@@@ There won't be any more Oracularities posted until after 18 March
@@@ while I'm on vacation.  Oracularities written during this period
@@@ will be saved and reviewed for posting when I return.

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
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are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.  Let us know what you like!  Send your
ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

134   10 votes 01261 10324 01126 01045 11314 02440 01441 22141 22411 00325
134   3.6 mean  3.7   3.8   4.3   4.3   3.6   3.2   3.5   3.0   2.7   4.2


134-01    (01261 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Oracle,
>     Why does everyone suck up to you with stuff like "Oh Oracle, whose
> boots I am not fit to eat, etc..."?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It started a long time ago with mild praise "Oh Wise Oracle." I didn't
} care much one way or the other.  Then Demosthenes of Corinth (I was
} oracle@apollovax.apollo.delphi.god back then, but the principle was the
} same) asked "
}
} > Oh Infinitely Wise Oracle, when people write to you they always
} > include some fulsome praise.  What would happen to them if
} > they were to omit it?
}
} and I answered, full truthfully,
}
} } If they fail to supply adequate praise, then woe and misfortune and
} } dire doom may befall them.  Their businesses may fail.  Their wives
} } may give birth to twin sheep.  From their ears may sprout thorn-bushes
} } and bitter stinging nettles.  Mountain lions may gnaw at their shins,
} } and camels may step on their feet.  They may be waylaid by bandits
} } alone in the mountains, far from help, robbed and stripped and left
} } to die.  They may be strangled by assassins from the realms of
} } Acheronia, or poisoned with the dust of the dread Black Lotus which
} } brings seeming aeons of tortured visions followed by a slow and long
} } death.  Bolts of lightning may fall from the heavens upon their heads,
} } or cruel rains of biting insects.  Their eyes may fill with cataracts,
} } or their bladders with kidneystones.  Arthritis may cripple them, or
} } Epicrustes may cripple them in his more direct manner.  Their daugh-
} } ters may be seduced by a god, and turned into some random piece of
} } livestock.  The bread they eat at noon may be baked with twenty times
} } too much salt, and the olives may be ill-cured and give them lasting
} } cases of diarrhea.  The limbs of trees may fall upon them, causing
} } concussions, and the trees may be untended and leave them unable to
} } sue anyone.  They may be torn apart by packs of wild dogs, or captured
} } by wierdo cultists who feed them only upon spam and velveeta.  Or
} } worse things may befall them.
}
} It's true of course; everything I say is true.  The only thing is,
} nobody thought to ask "How much more likely is it that such a fate will
} befall me if I fail to start my letter with praise than otherwise?"
} Well, Stephos Kinzlou (the "ph" is a "phi" and pronounced funny) saw fit
} to publish this in Oracularities #-915,412 (Gods, but I am glad to
} finally get into positive numbers), and people started adding
} complements in quite a hurry.
}
} The Oracle has grepped the Archives.  You owe the Oracle a dozen fresh
} figs.


134-02    (10324 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do my questions and answers never make it onto the rec.humor
> posting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A tedious-minded and treacherous troll
} Whose heart is a cinder of envious coal,
} With jealousy vast for your wonderful wit
} Has chosen your Internet gateway to sit
} On a boulder the size and shape of a snout
} With his cold lip protruding in a terrible pout.
} With chilly cold fingers all slimy and pale
} He fondles the network and plucks at the mail.
} Whenever he feels a letter from you,
} That malignant old virgin knows just what to do:
} He grabs for its tail and pulls it right out
} Of the mail connection, like catching a trout.
} He guts it and scales it and stares at its header,
} To see if IUVAX you're sending a letter.
} If that's were you've sent it, his coal heart grows colder:
} He squashes your letter with his mail-squashing boulder!
} Then he goes to his pile of boring old answers
} And questions all written by Valiummed hamsters,
} That ask "What's a waffle?" and ask "Why is fuzz?"
} And answer "It's awful!" or simply "Because!"
} Inside of your letter that troll goes and sticks them,
} With gallons of glutinous glue to affix them,
} And back to the network connection they go
} And go swimming off, all aching and slow.
} They get to IUVAX; we care for them well,
} But your original message they just cannot tell.
} These tedious questions and answers, you see,
} Could not make rec.humor, I'm sure you'll agree.
} So go trolling for trolls: go purloin his boulder,
} Go stomp on his moles and bite his left shoulder,
} Go batter his body 'till it's all black and blue
} Go drive him away so your letters get through.
} Then they'll go to rec.humor, each one, like a flash,
} Because they're far better than troll-restuffed trash.
}
} The  Oracle has doggereled, or vice versa.  You owe the Oracle an iambec
} hexameter.


134-03    (01126 dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can i learn to play the fluet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The fluet is an instrument with a great tradition; it was played by
} the anceint Egyptains, The Romasn and the Greeks. In its most primitve
} form, it consists of a simlpe tbue of wood with several hoels cut
} along its lenght. By blwoing in the topmots hoel, you can produce a
} most Sepulchrla Toen, one which so characterizes teh wonderful fluet.
} Finally, it is by rapid figner motiosn across the otehr hoels that you
} are able to produec a Wied Vareity of Toens, each Supulchrla in nature
} but which as a whoel also form a great Harmoyn. It is for thsi Harmoyn
} that you strive.
}
} Godo lukc ot yuo.


134-04    (01045 dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Flowcharts, flowcharts, hinkely dinkely doo,
> I love flowcharts in an agony stew!
> Flowcharts, flowcharts, geekely weekely pain,
> How can I get flowcharts to fill up my brain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Figure 1: How to Get Flowcharts on the Brain, (c) 1990 Oracle
} -------------------------------------------------------------
}
}  /-----------------\                       Key:
} | Read a structured |                        FC  ==> flowcharts
} | programming book  |
}  \----+------------/
}       |                          / \              / \
}      / \                       /     \          /     \       /-------\
}    /     \       +----+      / Do you  \      / Did you \    |What did |
}  /Got FC on\Y____|Burn|____/ really have \Y_/ have FC on  \Y_|you read |
}  \ brain?  /     |book|    \ FC on brain?/  \ brain before/  |that book|
}    \     /       +----+      \         /      reading book?  |for?!    |
}      \ /                       \     /          \     /       \-------/
}       | N                        \ /              \ /
}  +----+------+                    | N              | N
}  | Burn book |                    |                |
}  +----+------+                    |               / \
}       |              +-------+    |             /Been \        /-----\
}       | <------------+ Liar! +----+           /to shrink\Y___ |Time to|
}       |              +-------+                \ lately? /     |go!!   |
} +-----+----------+                              \     /        \-----/
} | Read a book on |                                \ /
} |operating system|                                 |
} |    design      |                                 |
} +-----+----------+   2                            / \        /--------\
}       |              |                          /     \     |Sorry! The|
}       |              |                         /result?\----|Oracle can|
}      / \            / \        /-----------\    \     /     |not solve |
}    /     \        /Know \     | Get a job   |     \ /       |everything|
}  /  FC on  \Y___/ assembly\Y__| as assembly |      |Sane     \--------/
}  \  brain? /    \ language/   | programmer. |      |
}    \     /        \  ?  /     |  [Muhaha]   |  /---+-----\
}      \ /            \ /        \-----------/  | Time to   |
}       |              |             ^          | get a new |
}       |              |             |          | shrink!   |
}       |             / \            |           \---------/
} +-----+------+    /     \      +---+---+
} |  Read the  |  / Willing \Y___| Learn |
} |    book    |  \to learn?/    +-------+
} | backwards. |    \     /                      1 >--+
} +-----+------+      \ /                             |
}       |              |                      +-------+-------+
}       |         /----+----\                 | Eat chocolate |
}       |        | Nevermind.|                +-------+-------+
}       |         \---------/                         |
}       |                                             +---> 1
}      / \                        3----+
}    /     \                           |
}  /  FC on  \Y---> 2                 / \
}  \  brain? /                      /     \
}    \     /                      /You want \
}      \ /                      /the blond or \__________
}       |                       \ the redhead?/Blond    |
}       |                         \         /           +--> 4
}  /----+------------\              \     /
} | Get a job writing |               \ /
} | documentation for |                |
} | IBM. [Warning:    |                |
} |   Use only as a   |         +------+---------+
} |   last resort.]   |         | The redhead is |
}  \-----------------/          | for Oracle use +--> 3
}                               | use only.      |
}                               +----------------+
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of every Russ Meyer movie with the word
} "Vixen" in the title (VHS please).


134-05    (11314 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is love so appealing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Due to the esoteric, artsy nature of your question, the Oracle has
} decided to answer by means of an interpretive dance.
}
} One moment, please ...
}
} [donning tight spandex]
} [touching toes]
} [bouncing]
} [doing jumping jacks: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7]
} [out of breath]
} [centering karma]
} [centering chakra]
}                          [centering text]
}
} Ah!  Now I'm ready.  The answer is as follows; now, pay attention.
}
} [Tap tap tappity tap tap slide tap tippity]
} [whoosh whoosh whoosh]
} [tippity wave wave tippity tippity !CRASH!]
}
} >Message from kinzler!iuvax on ttyp3 at 21:22 ...
} >
} >HEY!  That was one of the good terminals!
}
} [whoosh whoosh tap tap tap slide sliiiiide .... !CRUNCH!]
}
} >Segmentation fault (core dumped)
}
} [flap flap flap whoosh whoosh !BAM!]
}
} >Message from core!iuvax on ttyp1 at 21:22 ...
} >
} >CORE MEMORY PHYSICALLY DAMAGED
} >YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE
}
} [swish swish swish !META-CRASH!]
}
} >Message from kinzler!iuvax on ttyp3 at 21:23 ...
} >
} >Goddamit Oracle cut it out!  This is only a lowpri account!  You
} >don't own that many things to break!
}
} >Message from baryshni!kov on tty0a at 21:23 ...
} >
} >Oracle, you can't dance for shit!
}
} >Message from core!iuvax on tty03 at 21:23 ...
} >
} >OUCH OUCH I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HA
} >Unrecoverable error (core trashed)
}
} [tap tap tap tip tip tip.]
}
} As my interpretive dance shows, the world tends toward love.  Smile
} and the world smiles with you.  Laugh, laugh, and laugh; fill the
} world with love your whole life through.  Dance, as the Oracle does;
} sing, be merry.  All will enjoy your company.  Life is good, as my
} pirouttes demonstrate; all is beauty, as my moonwalk shows.  Don't
} worry, be happy.  Bring forth your joy^C
} Sweetness fault (core disgusted)


134-06    (02440 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you thinK sublIminal messages reaLLy work or are THEy just a PuRE
> hoax brought about by SocIety's inDecENT morality? PLEASE, I BEG YOU to
> answer this question...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The subject of whether or not subliminal messages really work is a
} sticky one.  In the early 50's an advertising firm wanted to base its
} entire line on the form of subliminal advertising, claiming that such
} advertising couldn't make any one do what they did not want to, only
} make them want to do it more.  The poor amoral individual who propounded
} this, I understand, was induced by his own methods to gorge himself on
} popcorn and coke, and later died of a combination
} caffeine/sugar/cheap&greasy butter substitute overdose that you wouldn't
} wish on your worst enemy.
}
} But he was not the most heinous perpetrator of subliminal crime.  No one
} really this (well, yoiu do now) but Hitler was actually a subliminal ad
} for a new type of German cold cream that went far wrong.  I know this
} because I was on the advertising team that produced this commercial,
} that suddenly gripped a nation in mass hysteria, that consequentially
} ended up with the imagined killing of 6 million Jews and others.  After
} that, understandably, I went under ground, not wanting to get blamed for
} this devastating, but honest, misunderstanding.  This confession of
} course makjes me the greatest perpetrator of sublimainal crime ever.
} That is why I changed my name and started answering people's questions.
} I feel that perhaps I can give back a little of what I've taken from the
} world.  Then again may be not.
}
} Now, the effects of subliminal messages can be seen to be quite
} powerful.  People still believe that Hitler was an actual person.  If
} only the German people had actually gone out and bought the damn
} cold-cream this whole mess would have been cleared up.  (Get it?  Cold
} Cream.  Cleared up.) The effects are so powerful that there have even
} been groups of people who call themselves "Neo-Nazis".  (Nazi was the
} brand name of the Cold Cream)
}
} Whether or not you can learn to manipulate people's minds with
} subliminal messages is another question entirely.  It all seems to be a
} hit or miss phenomena here, that has a lot to do with things we cannot
} directly control.  For instance, in an experiment where the words 'drink
} coke' and 'eat popcorn' were flashed on the screen and concession sales
} increased by 50% it is not widely known that a heat wave was going
} through this particular town at the time.  The theatre was, it seems,
} the only air-conditioned place in the town and also a cheap source for
} something cool to drink and salt.  The whole Hitler thing I just shrug
} off to dumb luck.
}
} As an interesting note, I seem to have killed the president of my
} University.  I'm not at all sure why.  Oh well.
}
} You owe the oracle Life + 25.


134-07    (01441 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What language is this:
> "Mutta se ei k{y, sill{ min{ olen lihava. Se ei k{y, se ei k{y,
> se ei k{y, se ei k{y, se ei kertakaikkiaan k{y" ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By what normal mortals call "coincidence", this language is exactly
} that of the Snargleworfians of Blortach IV in the lower left hand
} corner of the Andromeda Galaxy.  Since this language evolved less
} than five hundred Solarian years ago, and the Andromeda Galaxy is
} far more distant than five hundred light years from Earth, you
} could not possibly know about this language.  Why, it would violate
} causality for you even to know about the _existence_ of this
} language, or, say, the name of the people who speak it....
}
} Uh-oh.
}
} (deep rending sound as space-time starts to become unglued...)
}
} Excuse me for a moment, I must have a short talk with the Universe.
}
} Universe!
} >HERE.
} Hey, I'm infallable, right?
} >YEP.
} So, I can't make mistakes, right?
} >SURE THING.
} But, conveying information faster than light would be a mistake, not so?
} >SURE WOULD.
} So... listen carefully, now... I couldn't have done it, right?
} >ACCEPTED.  CANCELLING CONTRADICTIONS.  SPACE-TIME REPAIRED.
}
} Whew! That was certainly a close call.  I don't think it would be wise
} to continue this answer.  As a matter of fact, this answer doesn't
} exist.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fifth-order logic system.


134-08    (22141 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       My girlfriend suggested me "69" .. what is that ? :-o

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You poor down-trodden animal, have you never heard the of the infamous
} "69"?  Let me tell you the story.
}
} It seems that around the time of the Spanish Inquisition, there were
} two German brothers, Karl and Svenge.  As stereotypical myths go,
} they were stereotypically different:  Karl was brilliant, rugged, tall
} and handsome, yet outrageously shy, while Svenge was an asshole.
} They were constant companions through life, and neither seemed to miss
} female companionship, for Karl was oft busy with his work, and Svenge
} was busy annoying the shit out of people.  One day when Svenge could
} not find anyone to be incredibly obnoxious to, he went into Karl's
} workshop, where Karl was busy trying to reanimate a dead pig.  Svenge
} looked at the mess on the table, and announced "Seich te nein."
}
} You owe the Oracle a German-English dictionary


134-09    (22411 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to make sure my questions get into the Usenet
> Oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bribes, massive bribes.  That's not the best way, it's the only way.


134-10    (00325 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whither troff?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the faraway land of Bimingham-Bean
} King Horowitz stared at his monitor screen.
} The king he was mad, he was sore, he was vexed.
} He was staring at lines of unformatted text!
} The lines were uneven, unjustified too.
} Where paragraphs started, he hadn't a clue.
} He stared at the screen 'til he though he would break.
} His eyes, how they watered! His back, how it ached!
} Suddenly Horowitz could take it no more!
} He struck at the viewscreen which smashed to the floor!
} "I will no longer stare 'til my eyes start to bleed!
}  What I require is some text I can read!
}  Send for my scientist," he said to his aide,
} "It is time that he earned all the wealth he is paid!"
} And so the call went through the streets of the town,
} To search for the man, and when he was found,
} The Official Court Scientist of Bimingham-Bean
} Was involved in an act that was rather obcene.
} Not bothered the least by the odd circumstance,
} He turned himself round and he pulled up his pants.
} He was brought by the guards in front of the king.
} And the Scientist said, "You wanted something?"
} King Horowitz Second, of Verdly-on-Shext,
} said, "Yes! I want something to format my text!"
} "Ah," said the scientist, "Text you can read?
}  You're in luck, Royal Highness, I have just what you need!
}  Allow me a day, to draw up the plans.
}  I'll deliver them right to your hot little hands!"
} Next day, in the throne room, the court was assembled.
} An army of morons is what it resembled.
} And in the room's center, the star of the scene,
} The Official Court Scientist of Bimingham-Bean
} Manned a projector, and an 80-inch screen.
} He said "Lords and Ladies, I have a surprise!
}  A veritable wonderment! A feast for the eyes!
}  Text will be perfect in Bimingham-Bean,
}  Thanks to the Paragraph-Burbling Machine!"
} The man flipped a switch, and there on the screen,
} Was the craziest thing that they ever had seen!
} The thing at it's smallest was big as a horse!
} And looked twisted and turned by invisible force!
} He said "it looks odd, but it's no piece of junk!"
}  It's the power of 6000 Micronized Monks!
}  Input's the end that looks like a candle.
}  You enter the text, then you pull this small handle.
}  You push the red button, then turn the green dial.
}  Then you twiddle your thumbs and you wait for a while.
}  The Monks write the output in one of three styles :
}  Courier, Helvetica, or output-to-file!"
} The machine was impressive, it had lights, it went beep.
} However, the king was decidedly cheap.
} When told of the price, he became quite distressed,
} And said, "how 'bout something a little bit less?"
} The Scientist said, "How's this for an offer?
}  The X107 Grigzapper Runoff-er!
}  Although all the text must be entered by hand,
}  The output is perfect, it's really quite grand!
}  Unformatted text is stuck in this slot,
}  You crank on this crank, and what have you got?
}  Why, formatted text! Just make sure that you
}  Don't get stuck in the slot, or it'll format you, too."
} The king was impressed, was excited indeed,
} But still too expensive for his miserly needs.
} So the Scientist showed him the C107
} Which predicted the text using insight from Heaven,
} Then showed him the Zigula Sentence Compressor,
} The Infinitivator, the New-Line Redressor,
} The Predicate Haggler, the String Farbulator,
} The Vrabiton-Skiddley White Space Demonstrator.
} The models rolled on, getting deeper and deeper,
} And still the king said "Is there anything cheaper?"
} The Scientist paled, and said with a cough,
} "Well, Royal Highness, we've always got troff."
} "Troff? What is that? Does it work? Is it cheap?"
} "That's putting it mildly," and he started to weep,
}  "Your Highness, troff-language is really quite bad!
}   If you force us to use it, we'll surely go mad!"
} "Piffle!" said Horowitz, "Start right away!
}  Teach it to everyone, starting today!"
} And so it was done. The public, confused,
} Was told that troff was all they could use.
} The Scientist was right, they'd all be insane,
} Had not someone noticed the events in Romania.
} The palace was stormed, the king he was shot.
} And soon after that troff was simply forgot.
} The new King, O'Malley, of Sadicum-Smecks,
} Hired the Scientist, who invented LaTex.
} Thus came troff to the end of its time.
} And thus comes the Oracle to the end of the rhyme.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rhyme for Ceaucescu.


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