[IO]
Internet Oracle
17 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 23:05:18 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1341

Goto:
1341, 1341-01, 1341-02, 1341-03, 1341-04, 1341-05, 1341-06, 1341-07, 1341-08, 1341-09, 1341-10


Internet Oracularities #1341    (57 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 26 Oct 2003 13:28:48 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1341
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1341  57 votes 5ifg3 1bcna 7jia3 8il91 8kk81 67ra7 1ajk7 1eof3 248pi 3akf9
1341  3.1 mean  2.9   3.5   2.7   2.6   2.5   3.1   3.4   3.1   3.9   3.3


1341-01    (5ifg3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh most spiffy Oracle,
>  You look different somehow. Did you do something with your hair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Raleigh, North Carolina (TIO-News) Citizens of Raleigh
} are resting easier now that the so called "Hair of Horror"
} creature was brought down by a band of bad-ass barbers.
}
} "Wasn't right, having a thing like that roam the streets,"
} said barber Robert Briggs, age 22.
}
} Citizens had been forced to travel with blankets to throw
} over themselves to shield their eyes from the sight of
} so called Malformed Cranium Covering Creature. "It was
} horrible, I averted by eyes in time, but my mule Shelly
} she done seen it and wouldn't stop braying for nothing.
} We had to put her down," said a near victim who wished to
} remain anonymous.
}
} The barbers were able to track down the "Misshapen Head
} of Dread" after suspicious residents notes that a web
} site maintained by one Timothy Chew contained ominous
} phrases such as "NCSU give him a degree to get him out
} of our hair" and "The King of Raleigh, made him his hair".
} Armed with these clues the courageous band of barbers was
} able to track down, and corner the loathsome creature.
}
} "We burned up all the hair we cut off it," noted barber
} Jacques Renault, "we didn't want it to hurt anyone else.
} And danged if the smoke and fire it made wasn't horribly,
} horribly catawampus as well. Very, very weird it was, no?"


1341-02    (1bcna dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who knows the unknowable and can extemporize with the
> best of them.  Why are mayonnaise packets so much bigger than ketchup
> packets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A longer header, more framing bits, and the data is incompressible.
}
} You owe the Oracle a recipe for TCP/IP burgers.


1341-03    (7jia3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh faithful Oracle to whom I now prey (as opposed to
> pray):
>
> Is there a time for everything and a time for every
> affair under the heavans?
>
> Is there a time to be born and a time to die?
>
> Is there a time to kill, and a time to heal, a time to
> tear down, and a time to build?
>
> Is there a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time
> to mourn, and a time to dance?
>
> __________________________________
> Do you Yahoo!?
> The New Yahoo! Shopping - with improved product search

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yeah. But it's all been replaced by a time to
} Yahoo?!


1341-04    (8il91 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently my late father has taken to appearing in my dreams.  Well,
> not quite.  His voice is there, but he's always in another room.  I
> don't get to see him.  I cannot imagine why he would hide, as he was
> always a rather handsome guy, even in his old age.
>
> Could you please tell him it's ok to show his face?  Or at least
> explain his problem to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not that he doesn't want to be seen by you, simply that he doesn't
} really want to see you. I mean come on, can you blame him after the
} shoddy "retirement" home you put him in??
}
} I'm sure you'd both be much happier, if you just left the old guy
} alone.


1341-05    (8kk81 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ... and so I was thinking we might trick the Orac... *cough*
>
> Oh!  Hi Orrie!  Erhm.  Uh....  We were just talking about you!
> We wouldn't normally impose (*chuckle*), but we were wondering...
> could (*chuckle*) you, er, do that, uh, nifty thing with the
> Staff of Zot for us.  You would know what I mean... the, uhm,
> er, "thing"... uh... like if someone asked the woodchuckcouldchuckwood
> question?  But on my teacher Mr. Bill?  Just for kicks?  Huh?
> Wouldyacouldyawouldyacouldya please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sigh. Your groveling is pathetic. You cannot grovel and ask a favor at
} the same time. I should ZOT you just for your poor etiquette. But, if
} you desire to see a powerful ZOT in action, simply watch any of the
} Highlander movies. After the "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" line with the
} lightning strike, you will have seen a much better ZOT than I can
} perform in mere text. Also, you will be filled with a pure hatred of
} Christopher Lambert and a desire to end his life by the sword, which
} will most likely result in another question to me pertaining to which
} type of sword to use, whereas he is possibly immortal.
}
} You owe me a pirate costume complete with plastic sword.


1341-06    (67ra7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Perfect Oracle,
>
> In response to my last question you said,
>
> } ZOT!!!!!
> }
> } I am not you cretan!!!!
>
> I knew I was a cretin but didn't realise I also came from the island of
> Crete and was therefore a cretan too. What else don't I know about
> myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was hoping you wouldn't ask that.. Well it's all to do with your
} father - who is not really the man you call dad!
}
} Your mother was a heroic adventurer who loved to travel and see the
} world. She had many exciting adventures - discovering lost cities,
} finding impossible creatures and performing deeds beyond most peoples
} imagining. One day she decided to discover the lost city of Atlantis.
} After many months of research she thought that the city was not on an
} island but on a sunken part of the coast of Crete .
}
} She traveled to Crete and her plan was to scuba dive around the entire
} island looking for evidence. Crete is an island but not a very small
} island. It was going to take many more months to investigate properly.
}
} Every day she entered the water with torch and metal detector.
} Gradually the local wildlife became used to her and some seals would
} follow her as she worked. One seal in particular - clappy - would play
} with her when she was bored. Perhaps it was inevitable but Clappy the
} seal and your mother fell in love and YOU are the result of their love.
}
} I'm sorry to break it to you but you are not only a cretan but you are
} also half seal. This is why you have flippers, whiskers and smell of
} fish.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book on genetics.


1341-07    (1ajk7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't know what to say.  They all just walked out when I
> began to speak.  Should I have grovelled to them first?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Maybe, but I think wearing more than your underwear would have been a
} better idea. You're supposed to picture the audience being naked, not
} the other way around...


1341-08    (1eof3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most splendiferous Oracle, please tell me...
>
> Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow! I've heard of people who can't walk and chew gum at the same time,
} but that really takes the cake. I mean, most people don't need to think
} about breathing, it happens automatically. You've obviously got a
} catastrophic flaw in your parallel processors, preventing you from
} thinking about more than one thing, which means you can think about
} breathing, or something else.  And if you think too much about other
} things, I guess you'll run out of air and die!
}
} That's a terrible dilemma you've got. Have you considered taking your
} brain pack to the manufacturer? Meanwhile, try not to think too much,
} concentrate on breathing. And stay away from gum.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of you trying to pat your head and rub your
} stomach at the same time.


1341-09    (248pi dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who has never had a bomb in his life, please tell me...
>
> I am trying to find the worst movie review from the last 12 months.
> The worst and harshest I've found so far is for "Gigli".  It was even
> worse than "Stealing Harvard".  Is "Gigli" really the bottom of the
> barrel, or is there something even worse out there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc here. The Master's busy, so I'm answering a few questions for
} him. Actually, I've never heard of this "Gigli" thing. Is it really
} that bad? I'd better check. Back in a few hours.
}
} * * *
}
} Hi, Lisa here. Zadoc's in his room gibbering. Must have been that film
} he was watching. You wanted to know about really bad film reviews? Hold
} on, this will take some research. Later.
}
} * * *
}
} Hey, dude, Kendai here. Lisa's locked herself in her room and won't
} come out till the big O gets back. She's moaning about some trash piece
} of film. I guess that means I've got to answer this question. Biggest
} bomb of the year? I think I'll take a look at that film, see if it's as
} bad as Lisa and Z-boy make out.
}
} * * *
}
} Og here. Ken-dai in bath-room, Ken-dai no come out. Ken-dai say,
} Ken-dai watch real bad mov-ing pict-ure. Og not know why pict-ure so
} bad. Og go see.
}
} * * *
}
} Hello, Orrie here. I don't know what you've done to my in-jokes, but
} Zadoc's whimpering like a dog, Lisa's won't come out of the shower,
} Kendai's positively ill, and Og's hunting down Ben Affleck with a spiky
} club. I can't say if there's a worse film than Gigli, but you've made
} me afraid to look.
}
} You owe Zadoc, Lisa, Kendai and Og extensive therapy.


1341-10    (3akf9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most supremely cost-effective and 153.9582% efficient being: What,
> in fact, was the funniest joke in the world, so funny it killed people,
> used to great military effect during the second world war?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE funniest joke in the world? The one with deadly humour? Are you
} really sure you want me to tell you it, because you're certain to die
} laughing?
}
} All right, I've got a copy of it somewhere... ah! Here it is...
}
} The funniest... hmm. The funniest joke... (ha ha!) ... The... the
} fun... (hee hee!) funniest (ha ha ha!) joke (ha ha ha ha ha!) in the
} world... (gasp! hee hee hee!) ...
}
} *thud*
}
} <NO CARRIER>


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org