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Internet Oracularities #1342

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1342, 1342-01, 1342-02, 1342-03, 1342-04, 1342-05, 1342-06, 1342-07, 1342-08, 1342-09, 1342-10


Internet Oracularities #1342    (60 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 03 Nov 2003 23:00:00 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1342
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1342  60 votes 4ghh6 5fqb3 3ilb7 49hhd 9eid6 5dcka 3gqb4 27ngc 17cim 2akk8
1342  3.2 mean  3.1   2.9   3.0   3.4   2.9   3.3   3.0   3.5   3.9   3.4


1342-01    (4ghh6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do I have the flue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let us find out. Hand me that andiron, and bend over.
}
} You owe The Oracle a good flashlight, and a chimney brush.


1342-02    (5fqb3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How was Barney created

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alright, Baby Bop, the gig is up.  I already knew that you were
} planning on a mutiny, but asking the Internet Oracle for help is going
} too far.
}
} First you started small, trying to get the children to sing harmony
} instead of unison on the clean-up song, raising doubts about Barney's
} leadership ability behind his back.
}
} But then you started organizing secret meetings with the kids, making
} unprovable allegations against your purple leader, questioning his
} competence at every decision, even refusing to let him on the jungle
} gym.  You've been gathering a cadre of supporters, trying to use peer
} pressure to lure the children into backstabbing Barney.
}
} Now, you're going too far, trying to go back to the Big Purple's
} origins (thinking that I wouldn't know who was asking me about them!)
} in order to use that knowledge to destroy him.  You know that he's
} invincible, except that that one thing that created him can be used to
} annihilate him also.
}
} But I've seen through your plan from it's beginning -- I'm omniscient,
} remember?  So, go ahead and search for the purple kryptonite -- you'll
} never find it, because I have collected it all and placed in the care
} of the one person whom you'll never be able to survive in the presence
} of ... Stephen Hawking.
}
} I'm going to be generous here and cut you a deal.  End your scheme now,
} tell the children it was all a mistake, stand behind Barney all the
} way, and nobody gets hurt.  Otherwise, I'm going to *ZOT* you during
} the show, right in front of all of the children -- and nobody wants to
} see that.  Capiche?
}
} You owe the Oracle 15 choruses of "I love you, you love me."  But
} quietly, so I don't have to hear them.


1342-03    (3ilb7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've become somewhat anti-social towards fellow geeks (if a geek
> could ever be considered social, even to other geeks). The problem
> is that they like to give out their email addresses. This would not
> strike one as being a problem, except that I always feel like they are
> talking about me. I mean come-on, why do they always have to include
> me in their email address?  This problem seems to grow worse as my
> addiction to nethack grows worse.  But where else can I turn?
>
> Your humble supplicant,
> @

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear @,
}
} Since, I, the Oracle am a fellow geek, I can understand how you could
} feel this way.  But, I assure you, it's only because you've missed
} the point entirely.  Being geeks, we're just not quite social enough
} to have filled you in because we were afraid of causing a long
} discussion that didn't involve the finer points of C++ or the
} benefits of using Programmable Gate Arrays instead of customized logic.
}
} It all goes back to that one single National Order of Geeks Annual
} Symposium (NO GAS) that you missed back in 1990.  Do you remember
} that?  Something about your sister getting married and your mom being
} really upset if you didn't go, if I recall correctly.  Anyway, you
} probably didn't think it was important at the time, but that was the
} year we were selecting the most revered all-time Geek and finding a
} way to honor him.  YOU were the one to win the vote.  In your honor,
} it was decreed that all Geeks would forever honor your name with each
} e-mail they sent!
}
} In fact, per the Geek Code of Honor, any Geek who doesn't honor you
} thusly is forever banished from Geekdom, destined to use only AOL
} where the only people he is allowed to e-mail are fellow non-geek AOL
} users because they can mail each other just with their names.
}
} You owe the Oracle a working original vintage TI-30 with the red LED
} numbers.  (You do realize that the "TI" in that calculator name
} stands for my first and middle names, right?
}
} Sincerely,
}
} The Internet ("TI") Oracle


1342-04    (49hhd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I already know all the old bagpipe jokes.  And of course you
> know them, too.  But you (being especially omniscient) also
> know all the NEW bagpipe jokes, the ones I've never heard.
>
> Now I understand that none of these jokes, the old ones or
> the new ones, are acceptable in Scotland.  Scots merely gaze
> as if insulted when hearing one.  But that won't stop me, or
> you either.  Please tell me half a dozen new bagpipe jokes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Q: What's the difference between a new bagpipe and
}    beta version of Micro$oft's 128bit "Neo-XP for
}    Survivors -- Approved by the World Council of Allah"?
}
} A: When Neo-XP suffers a sudden and unexpected crash
}    no one stands up and cheers.
}
}      #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=#
}
} Q: Why did the new bagpipe get a higher safety rating
}    than the Ford-D_Benz-AOL Pinto [Firefly Edition]
}    Two Cylinder Hybrid Town Vehicle?
}
} A: A new bagpipe's airbag only hurts your ears when it
}    deployed instead of emitting a lethal cloud of toxic
}    gas that instantly erodes the batteries under the
}    driver's seat killing everyone in the immediate area.
}
}      #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=#
}
} Q: How does a Scotsman with a new bagpipe differ from a
}    hologram projection image of a vintage Rolling Stone's
}    concert from the last millennium?
}
} A: The Rolling Stone hologram contains the line "Hey you,
}    get off of my cloud!",  while a Scotsman says "Hey
}    McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
}
}      #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=#
}
} Q: What do a new bagpipe and a BragGORT Weapons Vessel
}    in asynchronous orbit around Telvor-4 have in common?
}
} A: Both produce deadly drones.
}
}      #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=#
}
} Q: Why didn't Satan allow any of the 72 Mao clones
}    to take a new bagpipe with them into hell?
}
} A: He didn't want the other genocidal maniacs to
}    hear anything that sounded worse than the Maos'
}    screams as -they- were ground up in steel bowls
}    full of glass slivers and putrid yak intestines.
}
}      #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=#
}
} Q. What's the definition of "optimism"?
}
} A. A man who buys both a new bagpipe and a SONY
}    Surround-with-Sound Two Way Image/Audio X32b
}    and thinks someone is going to call him.
}
}      #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=# #=#
}
} You owe the Oracle a different future and an octopus
} in pajamas.


1342-05    (9eid6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I, madam, I, made radio -- so I dared! Am I mad? Am I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some would say it's Marconi, but other know it was Tesla.  Only
} you and I suspect Napolean on his way to Elba.
}
} You owe the Oracle an emordnilap.


1342-06    (5dcka dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle;
>
> I have it on good authority that Larry Ellison wants you dead (or at
> least wants you to pay a hefty licensing fee).
>
> I beseech you forgive me for I knew not your true nature when first I
> deigned to ask of you a question.  Now I see from the breadth and depth
> of your responses that you are no mere cgi script with a collection of
> witty retorts to be randomly selected in response to questions great
> and small.
>
> Enough idle chit-chat, I seek to know whether Gonad the Barbarian will
> be better at being Governor of CA than Bushy George jr. is at being
> President.  And what is up with that jackass Cheney?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, I am omniscient, so if a person wants me
} dead, I already know all about it. Second, if you are
} serious about getting an answer, you also have to be
} serious about your grovel. You didn't grovel at all
} (and no, asking me to forgive you for dumb tellmes
} is not grovel). In a grovel, you have to belittle
} yourself in front of the wonderful Oracle, while
} singing his praises, and _then_ you can ask the
} question. A grovel might go like this: "Oh, if
} I, your most meager and humble supplicant ask
} You a query, please don't annihilate me with
} Your hand. I crawl on the floor in front of
} Your Highness. My hair and body is covered
} in ashes, my rags are worn.." etc etc you
} get the point. When you cease grovelling
} I, the great Oracle, will decide to ZOT
} you or answer your query, depending on
} the quality of the grovel. An example
} is the w**dch*ck question. Don't ask
} it, because you'll almost always be
} <*ZOT*>ed, wihch is a rather nasty
} experience, judging from the look
} of people who have been *ZOT*ed.
} As for your query however, Arny
} doesn't neccesarily have to be
} a bad governor just 'cause he
} used to be an actor.. Reagan
} became president, and he is
} (or was) a photomodel. The
} fact that Arny has abused
} a few women and has nazi
} values should not enter
} into it, right? Right.
} What were you saying?
} My answers breadth??
} What was that? Well
} as you can see, we
} have made some DB
} saving limits on
} the size of the
} answers margin
} but that wont
} stop me from
} answering a
} question!!
} The End I
} say! You
} owe the
} Oracle
} :your
} vote
} for
} -0
} 4


1342-07    (3gqb4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Majestic Oracle, source of all that is worth knowing,
> please harken to tellme: of all the world's royal
> families, which one behaves most regally?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, if you want to avoid all the in-fighting, bad language,
} adultery, thrown polo matches benefiting far eastern gambling
} syndicates, mangled vowels, mangled trowels, matching suits just
} the wrong shade of pink, spice girl mingling, bad haircuts,
} greasy fingernails, flatulence, sort of greenish-orange sweat,
} elephantine proboscises, entry into top public schools with two
} 'E's and a voucher from a pack of soap powder, embarrassing comments
} about their son's having the hots for Beyonce, hand-waving, horse
} riding, unfunny jokes (when the teller, not the target), topless
} sunbathing, toe-sucking, motor race driver hobnobbing, inconsequential
} worn out pop-star benighting, impossibly symmetrical fingernail
} wearing, meeting the populace-ing, organic farming, architecture
} waffling, small animal/bird shooting, and general malarkay that goes
} with royals, you'll come to the same conclusion that I have.
}
} Steep some dried leaves in hot water, leave for a minute, and sweeten
} with royal-icing. Then tell everyone to expect some "royal tea" when
} they drop in.
}
} You owe The Oracle some pictures of Beyonce in revealing costumes. Hey,
} recognising foibles is one thing, being immune another.


1342-08    (27ngc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Potent, pugnacious, and prescient Oracle, please enlighten me.
>
> When the autumn leaves turn from green to gold, where does
> the green go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    More Secure, Colorful Leaf Makes Its Debut
}       Trees Begin Displaying Newly Redesigned Foliage This Month
}       The New Color of Trees: Safer. Smarter. More Secure.
}
}    NEW YORK CITY - October 9, 2003 - The most secure leaf in U.S.
}    history was introduced into the forests today, as a newly
}    redesigned, colorful leaf was issued by the US Department of
}    Agriculture.
}
}    The most noticeable difference in the new foliage is the red,
}    orange, and golden colors featured in the foreground.  Because
}    seasonally changing colors are difficult for counterfeiters to
}    reproduce well, they often do not try.  Counterfeiters are
}    hoping that the public will not check their leaves closely.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big stack of green stuff, and I don't mean
} from trees.


1342-09    (17cim dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> First, foremost and most wired of all the world's Oracles,
>
> Is it true that the incompleteness theorem actually implies that no
> single Oracle can possess all the knowledge of the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's take a look at my Goedel sentence, shall we?
}
}     The Internet Oracle cannot prove this statement.
}
} Quite right.  I can't prove it (actually, I can, but I'll get to that
} later).  But, since when did supplicants demand proof?  I'm omniscient,
} so they trust my word on whatever I say.  Being able to prove one's
} information is not essential for omniscience.
}
} For example:
}
} > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} > Your question was:
} >
} > > Oh supposedly-omniscient Oracle,
} > >
} > > Can the Internet Oracle prove this sentence?
} >
} > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} >
} > } You idiot!  Questions can't be proven!
} > }
} > } You owe the Oracle the wrong answer to this sentence.
}
} "But," you cry, "you don't know _how_ to prove your Goedel sentence,
} meaning that you are not omniscient!"
}
} Silly supplicant, of course I know how to prove it.  I just give it to
} Kurt Goedel, reducing it to a previously solved problem.  [pause for
} laughter]  Okay, the real answer lies in the fact that my intellectual
} nature is atemporally dynamic, rendering me smarter than myself and
} perfectly capable of proving my own Goedel sentence and leaving it
} true at the same time.
}
} "How can you be smarter than yourself?" you ask.
}
} Just watch:
}
} > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} > Your question was:
} >
} > > First, foremost and most wired of all the world's Oracles,
} > >
} > > Is it true that the incompleteness theorem actually implies that
} > > no single Oracle can possess all the knowledge of the world?
} >
} > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} >
} > } Well, let's take a look at my Goedel sentence, shall we?
} > }
} > }    The Internet Oracle cannot prove this statement.
} > }
} > } Quite right.  I can't prove it.  But, since when did supplicants
} > } demand proof?  I'm omniscient, so they trust my word on it.  Being
} > } able to prove one's information is not essential for omniscience.
} > } For example:
} > }
} > } > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} > } > Your question was:
} > } >
} > } > > Oh supposedly-omniscient Oracle,
} > } > >
} > } > > Can the Internet Oracle prove this sentence?
} > } >
} > } > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} > } >
} > } > } You idiot!  Questions can't be proven!
} > } > }
} > } > } You owe the Oracle the wrong answer to this sentence.
} > }
} > } "But," you cry, "you don't know _how_ to prove your Goedel
} > } sentence, meaning that you are not omniscient!"
} > }
} > } Silly supplicant, of course I know how to prove it.  I just give
} > } it to Kurt Goedel, reducing it to a previously solved problem.
} > } [pause for laughter]  Okay, the real answer lies in the fact that
} > } my intellectual nature is atemporally dynamic, rendering me smarter
} > } than myself and perfectly capable of proving my own Goedel sentence
} > } and leaving it true at the same time.
} > }
} > } "How can you be smarter than yourself?" you ask.
} > }
} > } Unfortunately, I can't give you the example I wanted to put here
} > } because it would lead to an infinite recursion because I'm only
} > } answering your question hypothetically.  But, since you are only
} > } hypothetical also, it doesn't really matter what I tell you.
} > }
} > } You owe the Oracle a way out of this meaningless hypothetical
} > } existence.
}
} You see?  Isn't this answer much better than that one?  Also note
} that I'm able to tell when I'm being used as part of a hypothetical
} statement.  Isn't omniscience great?
}
} You owe the Oracle your Goedel number.


1342-10    (2akk8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Andy has twice as many apples as oranges, and Billy has three more
> apples than Charlie, and Daphne has one fewer orange than Egbert and
> Frances combined, and Gil has no apples or oranges but a big bunch of
> grapes, and it's a full moon on a Wednesday, how many pies can you make
> from all the fruit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to this question lies in another question; that is, 'Who ate
} all the pies?' This can be rewritten as
}
} Wh^0 (8) sigma pi
}
} Or, (since h to the power of zero is 1,)
}
} 8W*sigma pi
}
} where W is the weight in Newtons of the eater.
} if we take Gil to be the one who ate them (because, let's face it,
} being omniscient I know damn' well that he did, the greedy swine), then
}
} 8W*sigma pi = Gil
}
} therefore
}
} sigma pi = 8Gi(l/W)
}
} As G and i are both constants, there you have it.  To find sigma pi,
} the sum of the pies made from the fruit, multiply the ratio of l (Gil's
} inside leg measurement in metres) to W (Gil's weight in Newtons, taking
} into account the gravitational effect of the full moon) by 8Gi, that is
} 5.3386^(-10) multiplied by the square root of -1.  Simple.
}
} You owe the Oracle the grape pie recipe from Fermat's last cookbook.


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