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Internet Oracularities #1343

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1343, 1343-01, 1343-02, 1343-03, 1343-04, 1343-05, 1343-06, 1343-07, 1343-08, 1343-09, 1343-10


Internet Oracularities #1343    (70 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 13 Nov 2003 17:38:20 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1343
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1343  70 votes 5dmjb 9jkh5 5epk6 8bvd7 1byg8 148wp 4bls6 3eug7 08llk 07gvg
1343  3.4 mean  3.3   2.9   3.1   3.0   3.3   4.1   3.3   3.1   3.8   3.8


1343-01    (5dmjb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He knows mystical secrets and wisdom of ages.
> He's ten times as smart as the brainiest sage is.
> He has oodles of glory in which he can bask,
> But the Internet Oracle has nothing to ask.
>
> He has fabulous riches and opulent treasure,
> And a girlfriend who gives him incredible pleasure!
> He has free-flowing wine from a bottomless cask,
> But the Internet Oracle has nothing to ask.
>
> He has armies of followers at his command.
> He has concubines waiting on him foot and hand.
> He has lamers to ZOT (it's an arduous task)
> But the Internet Oracle has nothing to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can tell by the way I ZOT when I walk,
} I'm the Oracle, loadsa time to talk.
} Music loud and women warm, I've been giving answers
} since I was born.
} And now it's all right. It's OK.
} And you may look the other way.
} You will never understand
} the Oracle can learn nothing from Man.
}
} Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
} you're asking questions, asking questions.
} Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
} and you're asking questions, asking questions.
} Ah, ha, ha, ha, I know it all, I know it all
} Ah, ha, ha, ha, I know it all.
}
} Well now, I get stupid questions come,
} I ZOT the supplicant and then they run.
} Got the wings of heaven on my shoes.
} And Lisa here, I just can't lose.
} You know it's all right. It's OK.
} I'll live to see another day.
} You will never understand
} the Oracle can learn nothing from Man.
}
} Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
} you're asking questions, asking questions.
} Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
} and you're asking questions, asking questions.
} Ah, ha, ha, ha, I know it all, I know it all
} Ah, ha, ha, ha, I know it all.
}
} Life goin' nowhere. I can help you.
} Really help you, yeah.
} Life goin' nowhere. I can help you.
} Really help you, yeah. Knowing it all!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle some sweet loving.


1343-02    (9jkh5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When was the war of 1812?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, When is on Second World War, What is on the First,
} and Who is on 1812.


1343-03    (5epk6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Reggie!  Is that rhinoceros around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If I had to hazard I guess I'd say it's more rhinoceros-shaped.
}
} You owe Reggie a good pair of field binoculars.


1343-04    (8bvd7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They told me, "Use it or lose it."  I ignored their
> advice, and it fell off.  What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Glue it back on with super-glue, or sew it on with
} fishing line for thread. Heck staples will do it too.
} Why you'd want a propellor on your beanie is another
} question. . .


1343-05    (1byg8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and gracious, I beg thee to give me an answer to my
> most humble question:
>
> I have to sit in on a lunch meeting at work. Does this mean I don't get
> to take a lunch break?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So, hard-working and starving supplicant, you desire an answer?
}
} Let me give you some questions instead.
}
} Do you think starving African children get lunch breaks?  Do you think
} they ever get asked to sit in on meetings?  Do you think they can have
} a slightly bigger breakfast before they set out in the morning, or
} bring some sandwiches in in their briefcases to quickly eat before any
} meetings?  Do you think they can send someone out to the shop and buy a
} bar of chocolate or something just to keep them going?
}
} No!  They don't!  And do you know what, they don't complain about it
} either! Well they probably do, but not to me.
}
} You're paid to sit in meetings.  You're not paid to skive off every ten
} minutes to stuff your face with carbohydrates and cholesterol.  You
} want lunch?  Quit!
}
} If I ever find MY employees eating, I sack them on the spot.  And three
} of their colleagues, just to set an example.  So think yourself lucky
} you're not a starving African child, or one of my minions.
}
} (incidentally, if by some coincident you ARE one of my minions, or have
} done any work for me in the past, such as answering a question for me,
} YOU'RE FIRED!)
}
} You owe the Oracle a big mac and fries.  And a large cola.  And a
} couple of chicken mcnuggets.  And one of those apple pies, but can you
} blow on it first.  And a couple of chocolate bars for later.  And a
} five-course meal at the London Savoy.
}
}
}
}
} And some cheese.


1343-06    (148wp dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, whose knowledge of rolls and roles surpasses even Gygax
> himself...
>
> If there were a Role Playing Game devoted to you, what would it be
> like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Our scene unfolds in a dark chamber, danger weighs heavily on our
} heroes as time runs out...  Actually, the lights are just dimmed in
} Paul's parents' basement, and the only things that are running out are
} the Cheetos and cokes.
}
} Steve:  Paul, Another email is dropped into your mailbox.
}
} Paul:  I read it.
}
} Steve:  (rolls dice) It's another MIME encoded question.  The answer is
} "Zot"
}
} Paul:  I delete it.
}
} Steve:  Another email is dropped into your mailbox.  (Rolls dice) This
} one is a well articulated question, and the answer is both witty and
} insightful.
}
} Paul:  Really?
}
} Steve:  No.  It's another MIME encoded question, the answer is zot.
}
} Paul:  I delete it.
}
} Richard:  I send a question, using my +3 keyboard of humor.
}
} Steve:  (rolls dice) Your question is received by a novice who really
} seems to get off on the totally fictional power trip of anonymously
} telling complete strangers they must grovel to him.  He replies with
} "No grovel. ZOT!!!"
}
} Steve:  Your return question is (rolls dice) an open ended question
} involving a class struggle presented in a refreshing and humorous
} manner.
}
} Richard:  Using my +3 keyboard of humor, and my +1 Woodhouse omnibus, I
} craft parody with Howard Dean as Wooster and his campaign manager as
} Jeeves.
}
} Steve:  (rolls dice) Success.  Your answer is outrageously funny, and
} is sure to reach across broad sections of readers and score 4.6 in the
} digest, if the priest selects it.  (rolls dice)  The question goes to
} Tim.
}
} Tim:  Richard, you misspelled color, neighbor, and humor with extra
} "u"s and reversed the "er"s at the ends of your words.  I also have no
} idea what a lift and a lorry is.  I delete it.


1343-07    (4bls6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most fuzzy, warm and cute, wvery whiskers are laden with
> sagacity, am I a closet furry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Geez, I don't know where to begin.  Are you *truly* that unsure of
} your identity, or is this one of those trick questions trying to trip
} me up in my own logic?
}
} I'll be charitable, and assume the former.  Yes, you are a closet
} furry, more commonly known as a dust bunny.  Unfortunately the majority
} of people misunderstand your function, and try as hard as they can to
} eradicate you.  (Free hint:  Vacuuming day is Tuesday, so you don't
} need to worry over the weekend.  But you may want to move some of that
} stuff around to give you a better hiding place.)
}
} In an attempt to enlighten the world at large, I would like to explain
} this supplicant's mission.  Dust bunnies (a.k.a. closet furries, or
} monsters under the bed, depending on their location) are charged with
} attracting airborne particles of lint and dust, thus removing them from
} the atmosphere and improving the conditions for all air-breathing
} creatures in the vicinity.  Yes, that's right, the dust bunnies are
} trying to HELP you keep your house clean.  They're not part of the
} problem; they're part of the solution.
}
} When they are small, dust bunnies are essentially non-sentient, which
} is a small blessing for those people who attack them on sight with a
} broom.  However, by the time they reach the size of a soccer ball, dust
} bunnies are self-aware, and when they get to be as big as a small
} filing cabinet, their intelligence is comparable to that of the average
} ninth-grade student.  In theory, this process of increasing
} intelligence could continue indefinitely as the dust bunny grows, were
} it not for their peculiar method of reproduction.
}
} When a dust bunny grows to approximately 15 kilograms, it undergoes a
} process of fission.  This is in some ways similar to the way bacteria
} and protozoa reproduce, but in other ways it's more like a nuclear
} bomb.  The result is hundreds of thousands of dust bunnies, all reduced
} (as noted above) to idiocy.
}
} If you have a dust bunny in your house that is about to reproduce,
} experts recommend that you carry it outside ahead of time, because even
} though dust bunnies are helpful creatures, you might end up with too
} much of a good thing if it spawns indoors.  The bunny would appreciate
} it if you surrounded it with an opaque shield of some sort, as (like
} many humans) dust bunnies are rather particular about their
} reproductive process being watched by others.  An awning would also be
} good, as dust bunnies really hate the rain.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of the story of how the Tooth
} Furry came out of the closet.


1343-08    (3eug7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fantabulous Oracle:
>
> Why didn't one of the other characters just shoot Bruce Lee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Proof by contradiction:  Assume that S is a set of bad guys, B is Bruce
} Lee, and G the set of good guys and f is a mapping from G to S. By
} hypothesis we have G={B} and |S|>1.  We can assume that there exists f
} from G to S telling us which good guys are fighting which bad guys.  We
} know that there exists f s.t. f is a _function_ from G to S. Thus f has
} an inverse, h from S to G. This tells us, which members of S (i.e. bad
} guys) should shoot at B. However we have by assumption |S|>|G|,
} therefore, by the pigionhole principal, f, and consequenty h do not
} exist.  But we assumed earlier that they did: therefore nobody shoots
} at Bruce Lee to prevent a logical contradiction that would tear the
} universe apart.
}
} You owe the oracle a card catalog that indexes every card catalog that
} does not index itsself.
}
} Today's Excuse:
}   POSIX complience problem


1343-09    (08llk dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> I've got a tricky situation on my hands.  I know in retrospect that I
> should have asked you earlier on, but I thought I could handle it
> myself, and being omniscient, O Great One whose virtues I am not
> capable of manifesting, I am sure that you know what a mess I made of
> the situation, such that none but one such as yourself, possessing the
> wisdom, patience, and perseverance of no mortal being, could possible
> untangle it all.
>
> Now, it all started when I saw this USENET message about how I could
> make money fast.  I tried it, and found it was incredibly easy, and to
> make a long story short, I made money so fast that I ended up with an
> infinite amount of it.
>
> Naturally, the IRS wanted their share and demanded an infinite amount
> of money in taxes.  Not wanted to part with my entire horde, I hired a
> man to split it into two infinite piles for me, and sent one of them
> off to the IRS.
>
> But then the man claimed that he had an infinite number of billable
> hours, and even at minimum wage, that's a hefty chunk of change.
>
> Luckily, I came up with the idea of hiring someone else to split my
> infinite remaining money into THREE piles, after which I proceeded to
> give the first pile as payment to my first sorter, the second pile to
> my second sorter, and the third to ensure my own financial security.
>
> I thought I was pretty brilliant to come up with that solution,
> actually.  But then the next day I went to the store to buy a quart of
> milk, only to find that due to recent inflation, they were charging an
> infinite amount of money for it.
>
> So, O Oracle Most Wise and Resourceful, can you please tell me how I
> might restore the U.S. economy and save the world from financial
> disaster?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sure you're familiar with the old equation:
}
}           Work
} Money = ---------
}         Knowledge
}
} Since you have infinite money, this means either you did an infinite
} amount of work (which is clearly impossible) or your knowledge is zero.
} So the first matter would be to accumulate some knowledge, no matter
} how small, so the money will collapse into a finite sum.
}
} On the other hand, you could send all those infinite dollars to me.
} Since I'm omnipotent, I *can* do an infinite amount of work. But since
} I'm omniscient, I have infinite knowledge, so the equation becomes:
}
}         (infinity)
} Money = ----------
}         (infinity)
}
} But Time is Money and Knowledge is Power so
}
}        Work
} Time = -----
}        Power
}
} My power is infinite, so I can finish any amount of work in finite
} time, and therefore finish with finite money. Problem solved.
}
} You owe the Oracle an infinite number of dollars.


1343-10    (07gvg dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most gracious,
>
> Have you ever thought about the parallels between your digest numbers
> and the years of the Western calendar?  Since your last one was 1342,
> we would be moving out of the middle ages and toward the Renaissance.
> Wouldn't it be wonderful if each digest from now on could have a
> little historical tidbit about that year?  For example, in 1342, the
> well-regarded Pope Benedict XII died.  I think we could all learn
> something from your omnipresent historical insights, and it would get
> *particularly* interesting when the digest numbers catch up with the
> actual number of the year we're in!  Just a thought.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is true and has been considered.
}
} The reason I decided against it was that it would become incredibly
} dull after digest #2005. I mean "Cockroaches reproduce, Earth still
} radioactive." gets rather boring after the first several thousand
} times.
}
} You owe the Oracle a paper bag and a table to hide under.


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