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Internet Oracularities #1346

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Internet Oracularities #1346    (63 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 05 Jan 2004 10:05:06 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1346
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1346  63 votes 6dgk8 8ilc4 elea4 45gjj 368nn 9hfd9 7ffce 1amic 59oi7 3flh7
1346  3.2 mean  3.2   2.8   2.5   3.7   3.9   2.9   3.2   3.5   3.2   3.2


1346-01    (6dgk8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle
>
> Is it better to have a good looking wife who you dont love or an
> ordinary looking wife who you do love?
>
> Humbly.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bit late to be asking that, isn't it, Mr. Beckham?
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise that your next wife will have an IQ higher
} than your shirt number. (No, moving to Real isn't an excuse.)


1346-02    (8ilc4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Wise Oracle, I feel ill. Please read this;
>
> >According to the Independent on Sunday "A giant pair of angel's wings
> >and a 6ft high photograph of Linda McCartney will form the centrepiece
> >at a vigil in Trafalgar Square tomorrow evening".  "The
> >quasi-religious nature of the event is being emphasized by the
> >organizers, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.  The fans
> >will hold candles and banners in honour of Linda, whom they have come
> >to call 'the animals' angel'"
>
> What other dead celebrities will we make semi-deities? Sinatra the
> angel of lounge lizards? Will Bob Hope become the angel of ski-jumps?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Church of PeTA is following in the feetsteps of Saint Elron,
} also known as L. Ron Hubbard.  Elron said that starting a church
} was a sure-fire way to make money.  His success with the "Church"
} of Scientology (formerly the "science" of Dianetics) proves his
} point.  Elron's followers realize that show-biz people are very
} insecure, fragile, and lacking true friends.  They fill that void,
} and gain the status and legitimacy that rubs off from the public
} image of the hoodwinked performer.  Looks as if St. Ingrid has
} discovered Elron's methods.
}
} Your religion will be based on the Marx Brothers.  You owe the
} Oracle reports on the Feast Days of Saints Gummo and Chico,
} and an image (complete with music) of Harpo being angelic with
} his harp.  (Groucho refuses to participate--"I wouldn't join any
} club that would have me as a member.")


1346-03    (elea4 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, sage of sages, knower of knowledge and blower of noses.
> Please answer the enternal riddle:
>
> Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
> Would you run and never look back?
> Would you cry if you saw me cry?
> And would you save my soul, tonight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, Yes, No and No.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better selection from the jukebox.


1346-04    (45gjj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does diarrhea smell so much worse than regular poops?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a fact that has been suppressed by the government that plutonium,
} chemical symbol Pu [1] , is produced in the colon of most living
} creatures. By the process of radioactive decay, the Pu atoms emit
} particles that when detected by the human nose are perceived to be
} "stinky" [2]. Now, in a normal poop, the majority of the emitted
} particles are trapped within the poop [3] and are not detected. The
} particles for the Pu atoms on the outer surface of the poop are not
} absorbed by the poop and fly off into the air where they are easily
} noticed. Eventually the Pu in the outer layer of poop decays and no
} more particles are emitted. [4] Diarrhea , on the other hand,[5] is
} mostly liquid. Without the solid mass of poop; more of the particles
} released by the decaying Pu atoms escape in the air. Obviously, the
} more Pu particles in the air, the stinkier the poop.
}
} 1.  Don't tell me scientists don't have a sense of humor.
} 2.  It was in fact a comment made by Oppenheimer [6] after Einstein had
}     used the bathroom that led to the development of nuclear weapons.
}     [7]
} 3.  Poop is about 98.37% inert digested organic matter.[10]
} 4.  This is easily demonstrated by a simple walk in the park. Old dog
}     turds don't smell nearly as bad as fresh ones. But if you step on an
}     old turd the inside is still stinky.
} 5.  Yuck! Go wash you hands!
} 6.  "Der Geruch Ihrer Scheisse konnte Haelfte Leute in Japan toeten."
} 7.  Believe it or not, "Fat Man" and "Little Boy" were in fact Staff
}     Sergeant Bill Peterson and PFC. Gregory O'Brian [8] who were
}     stationed as guards at Los Alamos.
} 8.  Both men produced an above average concentration of Pu in their
}     poop. [9]
} 9.  Which coincidentally led to the abolishment of "Burrito Night" in
}     the mess hall.
} 10. You would think that poop's unsurpassed ability to absorb
}     radioactive particles would make it easy to build bomb shelters and
}     make nuclear weapons obsolete. [11]
} 11. Unfortunately poop, even old dried out poop, is not strong enough
}     to survive a nuclear explosion. [12]
} 12. Besides, do YOU want to live under a big pile of shit for the years
}     it'll take for all the radioactive dust to settle? [13]
} 13. I didn't think so.


1346-05    (368nn dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, whose vast omniscience no man could ever dream of
> fathoming, I have had troubling dreams of late.  Not long ago, my wife
> prepared ham for supper, and right on the package it stated that the
> ham had been "cured."  What the hell did the ham *have*, and can I be
> sure that there were no remnants in the meat I was served?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stage Fright.
}
} Pigs are deathly afraid of being the center of attention,
} such as sitting in the middle of a table, nude, with an
} apple in their mouth. But once a swine is 'cured' of this
} it rather likes, even demands, being noticed -- it is
} then that it becomes a ham.
}
} You owe the Oracle some bacon bit parts.


1346-06    (9hfd9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is the last question you will ever receive from me.  Next time I'm
> changing my identity so I'mm be more anonymous.  I grovel deeply to
> your everlasting face and would lick your boots to a better polish if I
> spoke better polish.
>
> When will I receive an anwser to my pervious questoin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Door opens and three men in medieval costumes run in.
} Man#1  :  Noooooobody expects the answer to your previous question
} Man#2  :  For speed is our one weapon.
} Man#3  :  And surprise
} Man#1  :  Hold on, thats two weapons.
} Man#3  :  Ok, we'll come in again
} Man#2  :  No, lets not, it'll only turn into a Monty Python Skit.
}
} You will receive the answer to your previous question when you least
} expect it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gift of a herring.  And a shrubbery.  Oh, wait,
} thats two gifts.  I'll come in again.


1346-07    (7ffce dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> After peering tentatively around the corner, a supplicant approaches
> the Oracular Dais on rapidly shuffling knees.
>
> It is barefoot, barechested, dressed in a tattered, yet fresh, clean,
> linen loinwrapping and a simple turban. It is scrubbed pink and clean,
> and smells faintly of lye soap.
>
> The supplicant pushes a cafeteria tray along the path before it, and
> the scraping sound it makes echoes loudly throughout the Great Hall,
> nearly drowning the sobs and prayers that flow continuously from the
> pathetic creature's blubblering lips.
>
> Every 4 knee-shuffles, the supplicant stops for a moment to grovel,
> bang it's forehead into the floor, confess it's unworthiness, and
> extoll another of the Infinite Virtues of the Benevolent Oracle.
>
> As if recognizing that the Oracle is beginning to lose patience, yet
> not really, because it knows that the Omnipotent Oracle is Infinitely
> Patient, the supplicant ceases banging and mumbling, and knee-shuffles
> chop-chop, most rikki-tik to the foot of the Oracular Dais.
>
> It releases the cafeteria tray, which is heaped to overflowing with
> fresh, individually wrapped Hostess Twinkies and an icy, chilled,
> frosty sixpack of 20oz Jolt Cola, then clasps it's gnarled,
> white-knuckled fists together to beg mercy of the Glorious One.
>
> Never raising it's tearful eyes from the ground, the supplicant makes
> it's ignorance known...
>
> "O Enlightened Master, the least of your unworthy slave-worms Zotmeyai
> Yambutoscum begs but a moment of your Eternal Existence before it meets
> *Zotticular Demise* under the Casual Glance of your All-Seeing Eye, as
> you scrub the foul ichor of this pitiful creature's scrawny carcass
> from the face of the Universe, and restore it to the state of Utopian
> Perfection that once was."
>
> "I most humbly beseecheth and prithee do tell, which end of a baby is
> North?"
>
> Before the last word can escape the constricted throat of the
> whimpering mass of quivering humanity before the Dais, it slams it's
> forehead into the marble floor one last time, throws it's arms
> protectively over it's turban, hunches into a ball, and passes water.
> Quaking and sobbing in enraptured anticipation, it awaits destruction.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle regards the cowering figure before him with distaste. He
} sits silently for a while, prolonging the supplicant's wait. When he
} deems his pause sufficiently long, he draws himself up and intones:
}
} "O mortal, attachest thou a large lodestone to the infant. Suspendest
} this from a string, and thou wilt see the stone as it pointeth North.
} Thus wilt thou know the end of the child which is North."
}
} The supplicant raises its head, and again beats it on the floor,
} mumbling delighted sounds of gratitude.
}
} "Know also, O lowly one," continues the Oracle, "that the possessive
} pronoun 'its' hath no apostrophe.
}
} "Thou owest the Oracle... what thou hast on the tray."
}
} The supplicant emits a muffled squeal of ecstasy, and pushes the tray
} forward toward the dais in offering.
}
} "Movest to thy left a little, wilt thou?"
}
} The supplicant obediently shuffles on its knees to the position
} dictated, and waits expectantly. The Oracle pulls a small lever by his
} seat, and watches as a trapdoor opens beneath the sprawled supplicant,
} plunging it down the tunnel toward the temple's exit.
}
} The Oracle walks up to the tray lying on the floor, and transfers it to
} a table by the throne. He motions to a worker to clean the floor, and
} sits again on his seat to await the next supplicant.


1346-08    (1amic dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> deer mister oracle man,
>
> my name is bobby.  i'm 5 yeers old.  my daddy let me on the compupter
> too ask you a question.
>
> the tv was showing pictures of mr. scary man.  mommy said that he was
> a bad man who hurt lots of people.  but secretly, he looks like santa
> caluse to me e.  plesae tell me that i'm going to get my chrwismtas
> presents this year.  t hank you mr. oracleman.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello Bobby,
}
} Over the last 348 days, you have,
}
} Thrown your food on the floor,              621 times
} Thrown objects at Suzie,                    783 times
} Asked Mommy when Daddy said "No,"           822 times
} Asked Daddy when Mommy said "No,"          1252 times
} Asked Grandma when both Mommy said "No"     700 times
} Refused to Share with Timmy, Suzie or John 1531 times
} flooded bathroom                              5 times
} kicked the puppy                            137 times
} eaten goldfish                                7 times
} gotten on the computer with out permision   400 times
} Set fire to house                             3 times
} Lied about your age (you are 12 years old)
}
} Santa is giving you a lump of coal this year.
}
} However, Grandma is giving you
} 100 marbles, a slingshot, 5 pounds of candy,
} a new goldfish, a bicycle, a BB-rifle,
} and a remote controlled Fire Engine.
}
} You Owe the Oracle, a tongue twisting question about
} Woodchucks, and the amount of wood they can toss,
} so he has an Official reason to ZOT! you.


1346-09    (59oi7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My great-aunt Margaret came to visit, and my mother warned me to
> watch my language, and not to say anything wrong.  So when aunt
> Margaret asked what I thought of her hat (what a dreadful thing
> it was, with dead flowers painted black!) I spoke the truth and
> told her it was ugly.
>
> Now my mother says I made a "fox pass".  She says it's a French
> word that means a stupid mistake.  I'm baffled.  I can't find
> fox pass in any French dictionary, and whatsmore, I can't see
> that I did anything wrong in telling aunt Margaret the truth.
> She needed to know how ugly her hat was.  I certainly couldn't
> have lied to her!
>
> Why do the French say things like fox pass, and why won't they
> explain it to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite the lack of a good grovel, or any grovel at all for that
} matter, I have decided to answer your plea.  Dear supplicant, I detect
} in your tone a sincere search for wisdom, and the dissemination of
} wisdom is my greatest pleasure (well, that and target-ZOTting
} w**dch*cks in the back forty... but I digress).
}
} The more literally-minded deity might choose to tell you that the
} actual French term for which you are searching is "faux pas,"
} pronounced something like "fo pa'" and meaning "false step," a common
} reference to social blunders and offenses.
}
} However, as is unknown by nearly all the immortals you humans are fond
} of addressing, "fox pass" does indeed have a meaning of its own.  It is
} a term derived from the observation of British fox-hunting.  The French
} delighted in the event of the fox pass, in which the fox which is being
} hunted literally traverses past the range and/or ability of the hunters
} and thus becomes a free animal.  This invariably humiliated the
} hunters, and as the French are incapable of actually being the agents
} of someone else's humiliation they exalt merely in kicking the
} humiliated whilst they are down.
}
} As has been celebrated throughout history, the craft of entertaining
} guests has a long and somewhat vainglorious tradition.  The main job of
} the hostess is to demonstrate to her guests how much better off she is
} than they, and the job of the guests is to stay on the hostess's
} elusive "good side," so that they might have the opportunity to invite
} her to their own residence and continue the tradition in due course.
}
} As it is now used in the English language, a "fox pass" occurs when the
} wily "good side" of the hostess has escaped apprehension, much like the
} foxes in the English countryside of old.  This means that the guest
} must endure the process of guesthood once more before they may have the
} occasion to needlessly flaunt all of their material possessions in the
} face of another. Being a guest is so universally despised that one will
} often lie to the hostess in the attempt to reverse the circumstances at
} their next meeting.
}
} Unfortunately, you let the fox get past.
}
} You owe the Oracle a visit.


1346-10    (3flh7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose literacy passes all bounds, please answer this
> humble query:
>
> Mantle? Tubules? *Meatimals*?! What was Brunner thinking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a little known fact that Mr. Brunner was a lifelong proponent of
} Cockney rhyming slang. Although not born within the sound of Bow's
} Bells himself (nor indeed, anywhere in that legendary forgotten
} city), he discovered it as a child and as with so many things in his
} life, refused to put it down. In fact, he refused to communicate any
} other way. Legal, literary, and psychology scholars all find much to
} delight in when reading his last book contract, for instance, which
} he insisted be writen entirely not only in rhyming slang, but in haiku.
}
} In any case, as serious students of linguistics are no doubt aware,
} Cockney rhyming slang consists of replacing a word with another
} word or phrase that rhymes with it. So, for example, "wife" becomes
} "trouble and strife", "pissed" becomes "Shindler's List", and so forth.
} Additionally, these phrases then become shortened, so a true cockney
} might say something like "The trouble and I are going out to get
} Shindlered".
}
} The above phrases in fact resolve to:
} Mantle = Mantle and Fire = Conspire
} Tubules = Tubular Bells = Smells
} Meatimals = Meet 'em all at the railway station = Nation
}
} In combination they translate to: "Let's conspire to smell up the
} nation!"  Which that sentence inargurably did.
}
} It was sentences like this that lead to Mr. Brunner's untimely death.
} He was bludgeoned to death with "The Elements of Style" by assailiants
} unknown, while surrounded by literary critics.
}
} You owe the Oracle 2000 words on "Subtext and symbolism in Fermat's
} last theorem".


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