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Internet Oracularities #1347

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1347, 1347-01, 1347-02, 1347-03, 1347-04, 1347-05, 1347-06, 1347-07, 1347-08, 1347-09, 1347-10


Internet Oracularities #1347    (59 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 07 Jan 2004 07:00:01 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1347
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1347  59 votes 4hjg3 3chn4 1eil5 2dgl7 2ho97 17gmd 4djcb 28jeg 4bggc 5imd1
1347  3.2 mean  2.9   3.2   3.3   3.3   3.0   3.7   3.2   3.6   3.4   2.8


1347-01    (4hjg3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great  Oracle, You are wiser then Mr. Owl and more
> patient then Mr. Turtle. Will you tell me how many licks
> it take to get to the Tootsie Roll  center of a Tootsie Pop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For most people the answer ranges in the several
} hundreds, although 99% of the time they just give in
} and bite anyway.  For you though, Ms. Lewinsky, the
} answer is actually 3.
}
} You owe the Oracle the "School House Rock" DVD.


1347-02    (3chn4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>
> What's a nice way to bring up the fact that my dinner guest is slurping
> the soup?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant,
}
} I usually find that a drop of concentrated nitroglycerine in the soup
} will prevent such a problem.
}
} Provided the soup is consumed smoothly and silently, it will have no
} effect. However the moment any friction is applied, for instance by
} slurping, the substance will explode destroying the cause of the
} friction, such as your guest's lips.  This will prevent a recurrence of
} the problem.
}
} You owe the Oracle some croutons.


1347-03    (1eil5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Great and Mighty Oracle, whose Wisdom is even better than
> a blessed +6 Mitre of Holiness, and whose breath slayeth the wicked
> even faster than a Cone of Cold spell cast by a wizard who is expert
> at attack spells!  Please hear my plaintive cry for help.
>
> My level 27 Wizard with tons of keen equipments and 30 known spells
> just bit the dust on the first level of Gehennom.  He was doing fine
> for awhile, but an arch lich kept casting spells of create monster,
> and the crowd became too much for his ring of regeneration to keep
> up with after awhile.  I'm so sad.
>
> So what kind of character should I try next time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Be a priest. In fact, you should be *my* priest. All my priests seem
} to have gone on holiday. Or was that who you were cutting down with
} Frost Brand?
}
} Either way, you owe the Oracle five years of servitude or the Amulet
} of Yendor, whichever comes first.


1347-04    (2dgl7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh, great oracle, I beseech you, please tell me where does the
> expression "excuse my french" originate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's obvious, isn't it?  Everybody knows that words such as "s**t",
} "f**k", "*ss", and similar are English curse words, not French ones.
} Therefore, using them is very bad French indeed.
}
} You owe the Oracle some curses in Arabic.


1347-05    (2ho97 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ghrterasty Oprtascvl;er,.
>
> Io asl;weasyusd tyyip[er tyhjer l;ertytyerrt tyop tyhjer rtioghhjty
> opfg tyhjer opnmer tyhjasty Io weasnmty./  Fgoprt wehjasty weoprtdfsd
> oprt l;ertytyerrtsd dfop yuopui tyhjionmkl tyhjiosd iosd nmopty as
> ghopopdf iodferas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Egads, Omniscient Boy, it's a missive from the mayor of Bloomington in
} secret code!  Quick, to the Oracle Cave to work the secret decoder ring
} that I found in a box of Cracker Jacks!
}
} [Oracle Man and Omniscient Boy quickly, yet dramatically, stride from
} the scene.  Cut to the interior of the Oracle Cave.]
}
} Omniscient Boy: I smell a wumpus!
}
} Oracle Man: You do not!  That's your rotting pile of laundry.  I wish
} you'd wash it once in awhile.  Now, let me work the decoder ring.  It
} says, "If you are a weasel, type here..."
}
} OB: Bats nearby!
}
} OM: Of course there are bats nearby!  We're in a cave, dummy!  Now will
} you shut up and let me decode this?  Let's see, where was I?  Oh yes,
} "Letter p tiger rooty-tooty of the opener majesty you weasel."
}
} OB: I feel a draft!
}
} OM: Well then, maybe you could learn to shut the cave door after going
} through it, huh?  Ummmm, right, "For weighty whooping on letter fop you
} think Tiger Woods is empty as a ghost Ferrari?"  Hmmmm, very
} mysterious...
}
} OB: You are in room 3.  Tunnels lead to rooms 2, 5, and 6.
}
} OM: What on earth are you blabbering about Omniscient Boy?  Help me
} answer this question!
}
} OB: "As" will make you unwelcome in polite company, and "egg" makes it
} look like you are screaming.
}
} OM: It's so hard to get good help these days.
}
} OB: Pronouncing "wo" makes you sound groovy.
}
} OM: Well, I don't know what this bedlamite is babbling on about, but I
} think you should stay away from the Queen of England and famous
} golfers, supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a replacement sidekick with intact marbles.


1347-06    (17gmd dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Varst and plummeting keeper of the knowledge of the universe, where
> have I left my socks?  I cannot find them, the red ones or the
> white ones.  Is there any hope for them, or are they cursed into
> eternity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fascinating when things fall into place on their own like this.
}
} Just a minute ago the Oracle got a question from your drunken
} brother in law asking why the candy canes at your home tasted
} like limp, smelly rags. . .


1347-07    (4djcb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You have a Ring on a chain around your neck, a small warped ghoulish
> creature on your right, and your best friend to your left.
>
> What now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  > GOLLUM, LEAD ME TO MORDOR.
}
} Gollum hops off to the north.
}
}  > NORTH
}
} Desolate Wasteland
}
} You are in a desolate wasteland.  All around you is desolate wasteland.
}
} Sam has arrived from the south.
}
}  > INVENTORY
}
} You are wearing:
}    The One Ring (on a chain around your neck)
}
} You are carrying:
}    Sting
}    Your pack
}    Your pack contains:
}      10 lembas wafers
}      a rope
}      the light of Erendiel
}
}  > NORTH
}
} Sam's eyes gleam as you leave.
}
} Desolate Wasteland
}
} You are in a desolate wasteland.  All around you is desolate wasteland.
}
}  > WEAR ONE RING
}
} Are you sure?  Remember, Gandalf told you not to do that.
}
}  > WEAR ONE RING
}
} You put the One Ring on.  All of a sudden, you turn invisible!
}
}  > SOUTH
}
} Desolate Wasteland
}
} You are in a desolate wasteland.  All around you is desolate wasteland.
}
} Sam is standing here cackling gleefully.
} Gollum is lying on the ground in a pool of blood.  An elvish sword is
} protruding from his stomach.
}
}  > REMOVE ONE RING
}
} Sam starts as you become visible.  "It was suicide, honest Mr. Frodo."
}
}  > TELL SAM "We're lost, aren't we?"
}
} Sam says, "Gollum can guide us into Mordor."
}
}  > TELL SAM "Gollum's dead."
}
} Sam says, "Gollum?  Why, he's our guide into Mordor."
}
}  > SAM, LEAD ME TO MORDOR.
}
} Sam says, "I don't know the way to Mordor.  Maybe you should follow
} Gollum."
}
}  > FOLLOW GOLLUM
}
} What?  Follow the corpse of Gollum with an elvish sword protruding from
} it?
}
}  > YES
}
} You can't follow the corpse of Gollum with an elvish sword protruding
} from it.
}
}  > TAKE ELVISH SWORD
}
} You can't take the corpse of Gollum with an elvish sword protruding from
} it!
}
}  > QUIT
}
} Your score is 50 out of a possible 150.  This earns you the rank of
} Hobbit.  Really quit? (Y/N)
}
}  > Y


1347-08    (28jeg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OW!OW!OW!
>
> A gila monster has clamped on to my arm, it is slowly grinding it's
> jaws back and forth and drooling it's venom into the wound. The damn
> thing must weigh 30 lbs... I'm getting dizzy.  Oracle...help. . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Will you ever get it right?  "It's" means "it is," and "its" is
} possessive.  Also, "damn" is not an adjective.  The correct way to
} speak of a hell-bound reptile is "the *damned* thing."  Also, two
} independent clauses cannot be joined by a comma; you should have put
} either a period or a semicolon there.  Ellipses should have no space
} between the periods but still one space after the three (within a
} sentence, at least).  Shall I go on?  *The Oracle looks at you
} menacingly.*
}
} *The Oracle relaxes.*  Oh shit, he's gone and died now.  Too bad...  He
} was learning SO MUCH!  I suppose that's just the way of things
} sometimes.


1347-09    (4bggc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Ingenious Oracle your are a fire-hose of information washing
> fools off the streets and putting out raging lunatic fringe ideas.
> You are like a red truck with a spotted dog on it rushing to our
> aid. Gee golly, you are swell!
>
> What should I serve for food at my Ground Hog Day party?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are outside. Music from two speakers fills the air. There are
} guests all around you. A door leads back inside
}
} Your wife is here
} The Easter Bunny is here
} A bowl of punch is on the table
}
} > EXAMINE PUNCH
}
} The punch is red, strawberry flavoured, and has obviously been spiked
} with vodka
}
} > TALK TO EASTER BUNNY
}
} As he is a fictional character, he does not respond
}
} > TALK TO WIFE
}
} She complains to you loudly that there is no food for the guests
}
} > GO INSIDE
}
} You are in a large room with two sofas. It's much quieter in here.
} Doors lead to the north, east, and back outside
}
} > EAST
}
} You are in a small closet. A couple are engaged in frantic sexual
} activity, oblivious to you
}
} A golf club is here
}
} > TAKE GOLF CLUB
}
} Done
}
} > WEST
}
} You are back in the lounge
}
} > NORTH
}
} You are in the kitchen. The smell of good food is all around.
}
} A large barrel of delicious food is here
} A spinach leaf is here
} A Transporter is here
}
} > TAKE BARREL
}
} It's far too heavy to lift
}
} > EXAMINE TRANSPORTER
}
} "Star Trek Mark VII Transporter, guaranteed to go from A to B. All
} objects must enter with a velocity of at least 10m/s"
}
} > EAT SPINACH
}
} Your muscles bulge, you feel as strong as Popeye
}
} > TAKE BARREL
}
} It's too bulky to go through the door
}
} > PUSH BARREL IN TRANSPORTER
}
} Nothing happens. Perhaps it's going too slow?
}
} > HIT BARREL WITH GOLF CLUB
}
} You strike the barrel. What a drive! The barrel flies into the
} transporter and vanishes. Mere moments later you hear several sickening
} crunches, two splats and a muffled squeak.
}
} > SOUTH
}
} You are back in the lounge
}
} > GO OUTSIDE
}
} You exit the house, onto a scene of utter devastation. A food barrel
} appears to have ricocheted from guest to guest, devastating the
} party-goers, leaving none awake.
}
} Spilled food is here
}
} > EAT FOOD
}
} You eat all the Ground-Hog Day food by yourself, and don't have to
} share it with anyone. In the fortunre cookie you find a note saying
} "You owe me a new driver. Orrie"
}
} GAME OVER, Score 119/120


1347-10    (5imd1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Clear-sighted is the Oracle, his every word is for a good cause,
> his every thought a boon to mankind, his every utterance a
> reason for celebration,
>
> How will we know when there is just one left?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To be fair, that could be a deep and meaningful question, however you
} haven't referenced exactly to what this will be the last one of. Last
} zot? Last breath? Last elope with the lovely Lisa? Shame on you. I have
} a good mind to force the entire Compendium of How to Ask Questions, all
} 380 leather-bound volumes into your mind right now. Hah!, you won't
} even have enough room in your mind to ask the time of day! Anyway, I
} believe you were referring to the wonderful answers that I give to you,
} and when I am going to give my last one...
} I believe that'll be right after I answer the penultimate question.


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