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Internet Oracularities #1348

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1348, 1348-01, 1348-02, 1348-03, 1348-04, 1348-05, 1348-06, 1348-07, 1348-08, 1348-09, 1348-10


Internet Oracularities #1348    (57 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 12 Jan 2004 19:30:55 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1348
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1348  57 votes 2fog0 27nj6 1eig8 38km4 9dfh3 23hs7 29jj8 47lg9 39do8 1elc9
1348  3.3 mean  2.9   3.4   3.3   3.3   2.9   3.6   3.4   3.3   3.4   3.2


1348-01    (2fog0 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, knower of all things know-able, answerer of all things
> answerable, teller of all things...asked, I am unworthy of your
> answers, too unholy to seek your guidance. But, if there is any
> kindness in your humongous all-consuming heart, please, answer me this:
>
> Do you have any relation to the not-nearly-as-wonderful Oracle from the
> "The Matrix" trilogy? I mean this in no offensive way, great
> thinker...please don't hurt me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh... whether it's some puny mortal database software, or some drunken
} priests at Delphi, the Oracle always has time for one more lawsuit for
} trademark infringement.
}
} The Oracle (tm) is not related to the following products:
}
} - Ora-Cal: The calcium suppliments made from oyster shells.
} - Ertl: die cast agricultural and heavy equipment replicas
} - Ora-Gel: A lip ointment for cold sores
} - Ogilvie: A hair-perm kit
} - Erkel: An annoying character played by Jaleel White
} - Orc-L: A listserv for creations of Morgoth
} - Ork-L: A listserv for fans of Mork
} - Ovalteen: A malt mix for parents who hate chocolate milk
} - NorCal: Damper than SoCal, and less movie stars
}
} You owe the oracle a spoon, whether there is one or not.


1348-02    (27nj6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> I think I have a superiority complex.  But I'm not sure.  What do you
> think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolute nonsense. People with superiority complexes do not think they
} have superiority complexes. The idea would never occur to them.
}
} If somehow a crazy idea like that ever *DID* occur to them, they would
} not think it, they would be SURE. So be assured; you do not suffer from
} that particular malady.
}
} It's a good thing, too. That kind of thing can cause trouble. I sure am
} glad it could never happen to me! Once, a long time ago, I was just
} POSITIVE I had exactly that problem... but I finally decided that it
} simply was not possible. After all, I am The Oracle!
}
} You owe The Oracle.


1348-03    (1eig8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Plunging and plumbed Oracle, I cannot exceed your depth of knowledge
> even when I fall down a mineshaft.  You make my mind look minuscule
> by comparison, even though I do show off a bit by being able to spell
> minuscule correctly.
>
> I want desparately to learn how to play paintball, but I'm scared
> that I'll get hit by a paintball, and it might hurt.  Please tell me
> how to be stunningly accurate right from the beginning, so that I
> never have to take a hit, and instead win all the games I play.
> There must be some secret, and if there is, you will (of course)
> know it.  Also, I need a good name.  "Terminator" is taken, and
> besides, it's sort of old now.  What'd be a good name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Target Practice" would be a good name for you.
}
} Listen now, oh supplicant, as the Oracle expounds his wisdom on how to
} be stunningly accurate
}
} Step 1) Aim your gun at what you want to hit
} Step 2) Turn to your companion and say "If I miss this, I want you to
} punch me in the face"
} Step 3) If you miss the shot, take the punch and return to Stage 1
}
} You'll miss the first few. Fear will keep you from missing the next
} ones
}
} You owe the Oracle a gumshield and a facemask.


1348-04    (38km4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Whose maths will be so much better than mine,
>
> 1, 11, 21, 1211, 111221, 312211, 13112221, ...
>
> What is the next number in the sequence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Oracle stood paralyzed, chalk in hand.  The teacher called
} him up to the chalkboard to answer some weird math question he was
} unfamiliar with, and the numbers seemed to change each time he looked
} at them.  He realized that he was taking a long time; he hoped for
} someone to give him a hint, or even just snicker to break the tension,
} but instead the teacher and his schoolmates stared at the Oracle in
} stony silence, waiting for the Oracle to answer the question.  He was
} also naked (how could he have gotten all the way to school without
} noticing that he was naked!?), and he couldn't remember his locker
} combination...
}       You owe the Oracle a good shake or two to wake him out of this
} recurring nightmare he's having.


1348-05    (9dfh3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No, no, no!  You've got it all wrong!
>
> Let's try this again ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of the more successful, if not too noble, lines used
} by widow & widowers on each other at the Alzheimer's Ward.


1348-06    (23hs7 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of a thousand personalities,
> who gives new meaning to the term
> schizophrenic, please help me...
>
> What's a good real-world example
> of process deadlock, that I can
> describe to my non-geek friends?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your housemate David is willing to do the dishes, but never puts
} them away. Your housemate Julie will put wash dishes if the
} drainboard is empty, but will only put away the dishes she has
} washed. You will wash and put away dishes, but only when you use
} them, and since your diet is primarily junk food and take-out
} eaten with dispoable implements, you having dishes to wash is
} next to never.
}
} So after David does a round of dishes, the drainboard gets full,
} but he doesn't empty it, Julie doesn't empty it, and you don't
} empty it. So new dishes pile up in the sink waiting to be cleaned
} and the process deadlocks.
}
} Good? No, I guess not, that's not a true deadlock, since people
} can take dishes from the drainboard to use, thus emptying it without
} putting dishes away. Let's try another one.
}
} Ah! David wants to watch the "Predator" DVD he just rented (one
} current and one former US State governor staring in one movie),
} so he grabs the TV remote and starts looking for the DVD remote.
} At the same time Julie wants to watch the "Brigit Jones's [sic]
} Diary" DVD she just got from NetFlix so she grabs the DVD remore
} and starts looking for the TV remote.
}
} Each has a lock on a resource needed to watch the movie of choice,
} neither will consent to watching the other's movie, and so they
} deadlock. Their deadlock doesn't stop you from turning on the TV
} by hand and jacking into your PS2, though.
}
} You owe the Oracle your oath to not vote for either Arnold
} Schwarzenegger or Jesse Ventura for US President.


1348-07    (29jj8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand and effluvious Oracle, I have never discovered (owing
> to my immense stupidity) the correct way to grovel to you and
> your immense intelligence.  Every grovel kit I buy from ACME
> injures or kills me, like that last time I splatted on the
> bottom of the canyon floor, just like W. Coyote.  Is that
> what I get for taking hints and lessons from someone whose
> name is Chuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.
}
} Also, ACME's generic grovel kits are useless.  Here's a decent Grovel
} Generator:
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} |    Adverb    |   Adjective  |     Noun     |           Verb          |
} |----------------------------------------------------------------------|
} | gratuitously | flatulent    | right pinky  | contain(s) the entire   |
} |              |              |              |   Universe              |
} | wisely       | great        | 3rd vertebra | know(s) what women      |
} |              |              |              |   *really* want         |
} | beautifully  | wonderful    | left upper   | can understand the      |
} |              |              |   incisor    |   rambling of Rameau    |
} | frabjously   | sexy         | leg hairs    | bring(s) sentience to   |
} |              |              |              |   the masses            |
} | generously   | gloved       | shortest     | fill(s) men with        |
} |              |              |   brainwave  |   absolute terror       |
} | violently    | graubellient | retinas      | make(s) me wet my pants |
} |              |              |              |   with glee             |
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} To use it, fill out the following form with words from the chart.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} |    O <insert adverb here> <insert adjective here> Oracle, whose      |
} |    <insert noun here> <insert verb here>:                            |
} |                                                                      |
} |    <insert question here>                                            |
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} *That* should do it.
}
} <insert ironic tribute request here>


1348-08    (47lg9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> The band wasn't there, yet the music played? What did that signify?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That signifies that lip-synching has now reached the next level, and
} the band isn't even bothering to show up anymore.
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed copy of Milli Vanilli's Greatest Hits.


1348-09    (39do8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is spam.
> This spam is.
> Spam this is.
> Spam is this?
> Is spam this?
> Is this spam?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see...
}
} The ten criteria for spam
}
} 1) It isn't asked for
} 2) It doesn't have your name in
} 3) It doesn't have any personal details in
} 4) It's badly punctuated
} 5) It has bad grammar
} 6) It has been sent many times before
} 7) It was sent by a lowly maggot
} 8) It expects a reply
} 9) It tries to pretend it isn't spam
} 10) Its sender deserves a good ZOT
}
} Yep. Ten out of ten, supplicant.
}
} ZOT!
}
} You owe the Oracle some Generic Viagra, a transfer from a Nigerian bank
} account, a diploma from a prestigious non-accredited university, and
} free cash quick!


1348-10    (1elc9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>
> Tell me about Gershwin's Piano Concerto in F.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know...that's not a question. But I'm feeling rather magnanimous
} today, unusually, so I'll tell you.
}
} Albert Humpdingle the Third was a pianist of no great talent.  He could
} play Chopsticks, once in a while and even tap out Fur Elise, if he
} was feeling inspired.
}
} One day, he decided to improve his skills. He went for piano lessons,
} practiced faithfully for an hour a day, and did the best he could.
} He would never be concert standard, but he could play competently
} and compose some basic tunes. He got ahead of himself however, and
} tried to write an entire concerto, in the key of A. As it happened,
} by some sheer quantum freak of chance, more unlikely than the same man
} winning the lottery four times in a row while wearing a purple teapot
} on his hand and shouting "I'm a hamster" and dancing the Charleston
} on a flagpole, he managed to write a brilliant piece of music.
}
} And then, by an equally unlikely chance, he was struck on the head by
} an egg sandwich containing a knife (the origin of which is unknown)
} and died.
}
} Two years later... the concerto was found. And transposed into F.
} And someone else took the credit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a biography of Albert Humpdingle the Third, the
} True Composer!


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