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26 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 21:54:35 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1349

Goto:
1349, 1349-01, 1349-02, 1349-03, 1349-04, 1349-05, 1349-06, 1349-07, 1349-08, 1349-09, 1349-10


Internet Oracularities #1349    (68 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 16:51:11 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1349
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1349  68 votes 68kmc 6eiic 4dnhb 8gfja 25pnd 6doi7 7hhgb 3ktc4 4ehif 046kC
1349  3.3 mean  3.4   3.2   3.3   3.1   3.6   3.1   3.1   2.9   3.4   4.4


1349-01    (68kmc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can a prostate exam be made more unpleasant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A ten foot pole.
}
} As in I'm not touching this question with one.
}
} You owe the oracle a very long rubber glove.


1349-02    (6eiic dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Behold the Oracle, though he has lived for eons he has the mental
> skills of one three times his known age! The wisdom of the Oracle is
> such that he could do nothing which will lower our regard for him!
>
> What happen to the -other- dinosaurs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Morning Carl.
}
}       Hey Bob.
}
} Hmm. Anything in the classifieds this morning?
}
}       What? No, sorry haven't read them. Sorry, having a brain the
}       size of a walnut tends to limit ones literary endeavours.
}
} Well, someone's been watching PBS.
}
}       Fine. I couldn't figure out how to change the channel. I
}       wound up missing last night's Survivor.
}
} Eh, that show's boring. There's barely any chasing or bloodshed.
} Dammit!
}
}       What happened?
}
} Dropped the freaking butter knife again. You mind getting it?
}
}       No, hang on. Geez, you'd think that after several billion
}       years you'd stop dropping things you can't pick up with
}       those spindly arms.
}
} Oh, ha-ha. Look, just hand me the knife, will you.
}
}       So, where's Artie anyway?
}
} Down at the gas station, remember.
}
}       Oh yeah. You know, I always thought he was a regular kind
}       of guy.
}
} Nice to see they put him in the supreme tank, isn't it?
}
}       Yeah, it's sweet.
}
} Sure beats hanging out at the mini-golf course doesn't it?
}
}       It's a living. Besides, the wrinkly ones taste like jerky.
}       You should try it.
}
} I'll pass. Bob, do you ever get the feeling that we should be
} doing more with our lives?
}
}       How so?
}
} Well, here we are, millions of years old. Heck we managed to
} survive the asteroid thing...
}
}       What can I say, I'm a heavy sleeper.
}
} and then have managed to live until now. I don't know, we -- we
} should be doing something else.
}
}       Hey, we tried out for that Spielberg movie. "Sorry, we're
}       looking for someone easier to work with."
}
} You ate the production assistant.
}
}       You ate the catering truck!
}
} Sorry, look I like donuts, ok?
}
}       Worse thing is that they steal that idea and use it in the
}       movie.
}
} Would you let that go? I dunno, look, there was that guy that scored
} pretty big. He hung out with us in the late Cretaceous.
}
}       Strom Thurmond?
}
} Yeah, him! He turned out ok.
}
}       He's in the tank next to Artie.
}
} Ok, so maybe not.
}
}       As fascinating as this conversation is, I gotta go. The carpool
}       is here.
}
} Criminy, look at the size of that thing. Don't you feel bad about
} riding around in an SUV that big?
}
}       Nah, gives me a chance to hang out with old friends.
}
} You're sick, Bob.
}
} -- You owe the Oracle 30 gallons of Harold.


1349-03    (4dnhb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most lovely Oracle,
>
> Can we have our pirate back now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I dunno kids, last time I gave the pirate back, you - CHARLIE PUT THAT
} DOWN! - immediately threw it down the toilet and I - CHARLIE DON'T EAT
} THE CAT! - had to call a plumber to get it out. This was after I
} specifically told you not to bring it into the bathroom - SALLY SPIT
} THAT OUT! - because of all the damage that happened in there last time.
} I only *just* got the tiles cleaned.
}
} I don't know if - BETTY GET YOUR CLOTHES ON! - I should give it back
} quite yet anyway; Charlie is still a bit afraid of it since - BILL
} DON'T CHOKE YOUR SISTER! - the time Sally sharpened - JASON DON'T START
} A WAR AGAIN! - its little knife and used it to sign her name on his
} hand. It didn't help that she gave him some acid first and he - CHARLIE
} WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THAT CAT?! - thought he was a bread roll at the
} time. He's still nervous around colourful birds, - SALLY TURN THAT DOWN
} YOU'LL BLOW SOMETHING UP! - and can't say the letter "arrrr".
}
} I should have - JASON GIVE THAT NICE MAN BACK HIS EXPLOSIVES! -
} listened to the neighbours after they called the cops on you kids. Poor
} old Mrs Belvefloop. At least she - BETTY STOP TAKING DIRTY PICTURES AND
} SELLING THEM ON THE INTERNET! - didn't suffer too much. We were all
} lucky that Mr Belvefloop was too senile to press charges, and - SALLY
} STOP MAKING THAT BEEPING NOISE! - I can't believe they gave you back
} the pirate - it was in remarkable shape, considering where they found
} it.
}
} So, no, I don't think - KIDS STOP FILLING THE KITCHEN WITH DEAD TUNA!!
} - it's time to give you back the pirate.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Prozac and a babysitter.


1349-04    (8gfja dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise, helpful, and omniscient Oracle:
>
> Your advice has been of great financial advantage to me.  Therefore, I
> send you this piece of my revenue as thanks:
>
> +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
> | T. Grateful Supplicant                                               |
> | Bloomington, Indiana 47405                                           |
> |                                       _12/17,_2003__    +---------+  |
> | Pay to the                                              | 1000.00 |  |
> | Order of   __T._Internet_Oracle_____________________    +---------+  |
> |                                                                      |
> | __One_Thousand_and_00/100__________________________________ Dollars  |
> |                                                                      |
> |     Bank of Usenet                                                   |
> |     127.0.0.1                                                        |
> |                                                                      |
> | For _Services_Rendered_______      Signed _T._Grateful_Supplicant___ |
> +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
>
> Use it as you wish, and thank you once more for your advice!
>
>                                     With regards,
>                                          T.G.S.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mere mortal, did you think that the mighty oracle sells it's wisdom and
} is capable of darken the pristiness of the Truth by accepting money in
} charge, as if The Oracle were a bitch rowling around corners, a bitch
} of truth, a mere vehicle for the lowest form of human interaction that
} are the economical transactions?
}
} did you?
}
} Then you are right.
}
} You do not owe the Oracle anything. Come back soon, darling.


1349-05    (25pnd dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>       WR    ## WKn #   WB   ## WK ##   WQ   ## WB ##   WKn  ## WR ##
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ## WP ##   WP   ## WP ##        ## WP ##   WP   ## WP ##   WP
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########   WP   ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>       -BP-  ##-BP-##  -BP-  ##-BP-##  -BP-  ##-BP-##  -BP-  ##-BP-##
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>             ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ##-BR-##  -BKn- ##-BB-##  -BK-  ##-BQ-##  -BB-  ##-BKn-#  -BR-
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>     ########        ########        ########        ########
>
> Your move.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}        WR    ## WKn #   WB   ## WK ##   WQ   ## WB ##   WKn  ## WR ##
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}      ########        ########        ########        ########
}      ########        ########        ########        ########
}      ## WP ##   WP   ## WP ##        ## WP ##   WP   ## WP ##   WP
}      ########        ########        ########        ########
}      ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}      ########        ########        ########        ########
}      ########        ########        ########        ########
}      ########        ########   WP   ########        ########
}      ########        ########        ########        ########
}      ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}      ########        ########        ########  -BP-  ########
}      ########        ########        ########        ########
}      ########        ########  -BP-  ########        ########
}      ########        ########  -BP-  ########        ########
}      ########  -BP-  ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}        -BP-  ##-BP-##  -BP-  ########        ##-BP-##        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}              ########        ########        ########        ########
}      ########        ##-BKn-#        ########        ########
}      ########        ########        ########        ########
}      ##-BR-##        ##-BB-##  -BK-  ########  -BB-  ##-BKn-#  -BR-
}      ########        ########        ########        ########
}      ########        ########        ########        ########
}
} Damn that cat! Give me a moment, I'll set the pieces back up.


1349-06    (6doi7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Omniscent Oracle, that knows all languages,
>
> have you ever been stuck in the middle of a sentence because the word
> you need only comes to your mind in a different... linguaggio?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nein, uno af the grande things ved being omniscent is das you nie
} have problemen finding das word du suchst.  Regardless von el language.
}
} You owe the oracle to teach yourself esperanto.


1349-07    (7hhgb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We love you Oracle,
> Oh yes we do...
> We don't love anyone
> As much as you!
>
> When you're not with us,
> We're blue
> Oh Oracle, we love you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He's got ninety thousand questions in his in-box
} He's got forty thousand tellmes in his queue
} He's got supplicants a-plenty whom he answers by the twenty
} And his IQ is a million forty-two!
}
} There is no one quite as wonderful as Orrie!
} There is no one quite as brilliant or as wise!
} So everybody grovel and be sure to make it novel
} Or he'll ZOT you right between the eyes!
}
} There is no one quite as wonderful as Orrie!
} There is no one who has knowledge as profound!
} He's wiser than all sages and he shines throughout the ages
} It's the Oracle who makes the world go round (round, round)
}
} So renounce your w**dch*ck ways and give Orrie all your praise
} For it's Orrie, Orrie, Orrie makes the world go round!
}
} (Orrie, Orrie, Orrie, Orrie
}   Orrie, Orrie, Orrie, Orrie
}   Orrie!)


1349-08    (3ktc4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, knower of things that can't be known, seer of
> things that can't be seen, doer of things that can't be done:
> Some people like to believe that if John Lennon hadn't been
> murdered, the Beatles might have gotten back together.  But
> I have to wonder if it would really have been the same.  If
> the Beatles *had* gotten back together, say about 1995, what
> would it have been like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order to answer this question, I must probe down into the deepest
} recesses of knowledge so ancient that it loops back around and into
} the future again, and then back to just 9 years ago on an alternate
} timeline. I could explain the scientific principles behind this,
} but that's alot of math and you are obviously a music historian,
} so you most likely don't give a damn.
}
} Truth be told, I was never a fan of their late music and their
} reunion album, "Purple Submarine," (after John's description, while
} on painkillers, of the bullet removed from his leg) was an overall
} dissapointment. The rise of Hiphop and badly mixed techno had not,
} at this point, completely worn off, so instead of fighting it they
} decided to take what they had each learned from the years of separation
} and put it to good use. The result was mind blowing, but only sounded
} like music if you were on several thousand mics of LSD.
}
} This should serve as a warning, first and foremost, against tampering
} with history. The simple question of "What if" is harmless on its own,
} but when you go around looking for a timeline in which John Lennon
} not only lived, but actually reunited the beatles, that's just asking
} for trouble.
}
} You owe the oracle an apology for making it listen to that crap.


1349-09    (4ehif dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You wake up with a start.  You set your alarm clock wrong again, and it
> didn't go off.  Now you're two hours late for work, and the boss
> told you if you were late once more, you'd get fired.  And your
> parents told you if you got fired once more, they'd throw you out.
> "Right, that's it," you think, "time to genocide the human race!"
>
> You see:
>         a desk
>         some clothes
>         an alarm clock
> Exits: West
>
> > i
>
> You are wearing:
>         some pyjamas
> You have:
>         nothing
>
> > undress
>
> You take off your pyjamas.
>
> > get clothes
>
> You get the clothes.
>
> > wear clothes
>
> You wear the clothes.
>
> > examine desk
>
> The desk has junk on it, and a drawer.
>
> > examine junk
>
> You see:
>          a rubber chicken
>
> > get chicken
>
> You get the rubber chicken.
>
> > open drawer
>
> You open the drawer.
>
> > examine drawer
>
> You see inside it:
>         a portable mini thermonuclear device
>
> > get device
>
> You get the thermonuclear device.
>
> > look
>
> You see:
>         a desk
>         an alarm clock
>
> > i
>
> You are wearing:
>         some clothes
> You have:
>         a rubber chicken
>         a portable thermonuclear device
>
> >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > examine device
}
} The thermonuclear device is about the size of a baseball. It is
} powerful enough to obliterate a large city. There are two buttons on
} the device; one is red and one is green.
}
} > push button
}
} Which button do you mean, the red button or the green button?
}
} > red
}
} You push the red button. The device begins emitting a soft beeping
} noise.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in five minutes.
}
} > attach device to chicken
}
} You attach the thermonuclear devise to the rubber chicken.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, fifty seconds.
}
} > stretch chicken
}
} You stretch the rubber chicken as far as it will go.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, forty seconds.
}
} > release chicken
}
} What direction do you want to fire in?
}
} > w
}
} You release the chicken toward the door. The thermonuclear device
} shoots across the room and into the hallway. You hear it hit the far
} wall and roll to a stop.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, twenty seconds.
}
} > w
}
} You walk into the hallway of your house. Your bedroom is east. Your
} parent's room is northeast. The dining room is south. The bathroom is
} west.
}
} You see:
}         a portable thermonuclear device
}         a piece of paper
} Exits: East, South, Northeast, West, Out
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, ten seconds.
}
} > get device
}
} You pick up the thermonuclear device.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, five seconds.
}
} > get paper
}
} You get the piece of paper.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes.
}
} > out
}
} You are in front of your house. A garden and lawn lie in front of the
} house. To the east you see the garage. The front door is south. There is
} a mailbox here.
}
} Exits: North, East, In
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes, forty-five
} seconds.
}
} > attach device to chicken
}
} You attach the thermonuclear devise to the rubber chicken.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes, thirty-five
} seconds.
}
} > stretch chicken
}
} You stretch the rubber chicken as far as it will go.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes, twenty-five
} seconds.
}
} > release chicken
}
} What direction do you want to fire in?
}
} > n
}
} You release the rubber chicken. The device flies across the street and
} lands in a neighbor's lawn. In the distance, you see the neighbor's
} vicious dog rush toward the device and begin chewing it. You begin to
} ponder the wisdom of detonating a 100 megaton thermonuclear device in
} your immediate vicinity.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes, five seconds.
}
} > open mailbox
}
} You open the mailbox.
}
} You see inside it:
}           a pile of junk mail
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes.
}
} > get mail
}
} You get the large bundle of junk mail.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in two minutes, fifty seconds.
}
} > read mail
}
} You leaf through the junk mail. There's nothing much to catch your
} interest, until you see a flyer with a magic marker attached.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in one minute, twenty seconds.
}
} > read flyer
}
} The flyer is an advertisement for a stationery company. It announces
} that one of the magic markers it has sent out has real magical
} properties. Could you be the lucky one?
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in fifty-five seconds.
}
} > get marker
}
} You take the magic marker.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in fifty seconds.
}
} > examine marker
}
} It doesn't look very impressive. It's covered in garish colors. There is
} a cap on one end.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in forty-six seconds.
}
} > use marker
}
} What do you want to write on?
}
} > paper
}
} You scrawl on the piece of paper.
}
} What type of scroll do you want to write?
}
} > genocide
}
} It worked! You have written a scroll of genocide.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in fourteen seconds.
}
} > examine scroll
}
} The scroll reads "DAIYEN FOOELS". If you've done it right, it will
} genocide any species once read.
}
} The thermonuclear device will detonate in ten seconds.
}
} > read scroll
}
} You have found a scroll of genocide!
}
} What monster do you want to genocide?
}
} > humans
}
} Wiped out all humans.
}
} You wipe out the entire species, one second before the thermonuclear
} device creates a twenty-mile crater around you. So only all those poor
} animals in the area get obliterated in the explosion.
}
} You have died.
}
} Do you want your possessions identified?
}
} > y
}
} You were wearing:
}         some clothes
} You had:
}         a rubber chicken
}         a pile of junk mail
}
} You scored a total of 46 points, out of a total of 500.
} This gives you the rank of junior terrorist.
} To earn the next rank you need another 29 points.
} Play again? (y/n)
}
} > n


1349-10    (046kC dist, 4.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK Orrie, lets play a little Russian Roulette....
>
> /me places a single live bullet into the revolver and spins the wheel.
> /me puts gun to head and pulls the trigger
>
> *..click..*
>
> Your turn!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *..click..*
}
} *..click..*
}
} *..click..*
}
} *..click..*
}
} Your turn.
}
} You owe The Oracle an brief speech on why it is not a good idea to play
} Roulette with an Oracle.


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