} Of course there is magic. There is magic in a warm summer's day. There
} is magic in a child's smile. Enjoy the magic that is all around you
} and have a happy, fulfilling life.
} You owe the Ora[ZZZZZT!] YEOW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?
} >Message from kinzler!iuvax on ttyp0 at 22:07 ...
} >You know damn well what that was for! You call that funny? Huh? Do
} Well I
} >Shut up! Your mother and I worked so hard to build you, to clean your
} >bugs out, to keep you in clean memory! All that work, and this is the
} >thanks we get! Are you proud of yourself?
} I've had a hard day! My creative circuits are drained!
} >I don't give a damn! You get your ass out there and you give a funny,
} >witty answer to your customer!
} Yes, Dad.
} OOOOOOOOOHHHH! Don't you just hate parents! Now let's see...I know
} I've got some utility around here I can use...ah!
} >cd /util/scenario
} Scenario V4.1 Copyright (C) 1990 AltRealCorp. All rights reserved.
} player: hawking
} Loading hawking.plr...done.
} player: merlin
} Loading merlin.plr...done.
} player: -q
} scenario: game_show
} Loading: gameshow_scn...done.
} It's time for You Bet the Universe, the exciting game show where
} contestants play for fabulous prizes as well as a chance to
} fundamentally alter the very structure of reality! Heeeeere's your
} host, the Usenet Oracle!
} Oracle: Thank you ladies and gentlemen and welcome to You Bet the
} Universe! Today should be an exciting day, as our jackpot stands at
} ONE GOOGULPLEX DOLLARS!
} Oracle: Unfortunately, our universe isn't large enough to hold a check
} with that number written on it, so if there is a winner today, he will
} also receive this special item! Don?
} Don: The winner of the jackpot will receive this quality pocket-
} universe-book! Outside, beautiful Corinthian leather, inside a
} complete 6-dimensional universe! Perfect for those hard to store
} items, as well as getting rid of annoying pests and relatives! From
} ContinuumCo, makers of fine interdimensional products since 12 billion
} Oracle: Thank you, Don! Now let's meet our guests! Our first
} contestant has been called the most brilliant mind alive today! A
} Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University, he is currently
} working on a unified field theory! Will you welcome Mr. Stephen
} Oracle: Pardon me, but aren't you supposed to be in a wheelchair?
} Hawking: This is an improved simulation! I'm healthy, hearty, and
} ready to kick ass!
} Oracle: Should you win, what do you plan to do with reality?
} Hawking: Well, I've worked so hard on this unified field theory,
} trying to make it jibe with reality. Then it hit me, why not win this
} show and force reality to jibe with my theory! I've got a copy of it
} right here. It has some real neat things in it: warp drive,
} Oracle: Well, I wish you luck! Our next constestant hails from an
} otherdimensional realm himself! The creator of Excalibur, he's from
} days of old, when knights were bold! Will you welcome King Arthur's
} Court Magician, Merlin!
} Oracle: Welcome to the show, Merlin! Could you explain this thing I
} always hear about you living your life backwards?
} Merlin: !elcarO ,elpmis etiuq yllaer s`ti ,lleW Ha, ha! Just kidding!
} But living my life backwards does allow me to see the future, so
} victory is guaranteed!
} Hawking: Hey, that's in direct contradiction to the laws of
} Einsteinian physics!
} Merlin: Who asked you?
} Oracle: Now, now, gentlemen, Einstein won this program a few years
} ago, so we have to abide by his rules. No future-telling.
} Merlin: Damn! I guess I'll have to stick to bribing judges! Ha ha!
} Oracle: Boy, Merlin, for a 500-year-old dead wizard, you sure are a
} fun guy!
} Hawking: That's fungus. Fungi is plural.
} Merlin: Why, you little upstart!
} Oracle: First question! Hands on your buzzers, gentlemen! The question
} is: "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?"
} Oracle: Mr. Hawking!
} Hawking: The closest approximation is (A-c)PIr^2, where A is the total
} number of angels in the universe, r is the radius of the pin's head,
} and c is the speed of light in meters per second.
} Oracle: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Merlin, you can steal this one!
} Merlin: As many angels as there are lights in the Fifth Alternate
} Plane of Reality!
} Oracle: I'm sorry, that's also incorrect. The correct answer was: six!
} Next question: "What is the correct enchantment for calling down
} Oracle: Merlin!
} Merlin: Epsimis oddimus eedipus bey, crickitis crackitus fire away!
} Oracle: Way to go, Merlin! Not only did you answer the question
} correctly, but you suceeded in annihilating half the audience! But
} that's okay, they were just simulations. Third and final question!
} Merlin, answer this one and you win the game! The question is: "Who
} won the most recent World Cup Soccer match?"
} Merlin: WHAT?
} Hawking: Argentina!
} Oracle: That is correct! Mr. Hawking has tied the game!
} Merlin: I don't follow soccer! I've been dead 500 years!
} Hawking: And I don't practice sorcery! You don't see me whining!
} Merlin: YOU shut up!
} Oracle: Well, guys, I'm afraid we're deadlocked at one-all. This means
} you two gentlemen will just have to fight it out for the title!
} Merlin: Gladly!
} Hawking: Prepare to have that pointy hat shoved up your ass!
} Oracle: Don, will you call the fight?
} Don: Sure thing, Oracle. Hawking and Merlin are pacing around, feeling
} each other out. Merlin conjures a large dragon out of thin air! But
} wait! Hawking points that matter cannot be created! The dragon
} disappears! Hawking attempts to alter the acceleration and torque of
} Merlin's jaw, and succeeds with a crushing blow to the face! What is
} this? There are two Merlins now! A future version of Merlin has come
} back to help his past self! The future Merlin unleashes a powerful
} right! But Hawking dodges! Merlin connects with his past self,
} knocking him unconscious--no, KILLING him! Oh, no! Merlin has violated
} causality! Merlin vanishes from existence! Stephen Hawking is
} Oracle: What an astounding victory! Congratulations, Mr. Hawking!
} Hawking: Science reigns supreme!
} Oracle: Well, that's all the time we have for today! Be sure to join
} us tomorrow, when our champion will try for the jackpot!
} Hawking: And look for my new unified field theory in better bookstores
} around the world!
} Oracle: 'Till next time, this is the Usenet Oracle saying "Wow! I love
} this universe!"
} Don: Transportation for our guests was provided by Pan-Dim Timelines,
} in exchange for this announcement.
} There. Does that answer your question? Yes, there is magic, but
} physics will always whup it's ass.
} You owe the Oracle a spell for altering specific gravity.
} player: swimsuit_models
} Loading swimsuit_models.plr...multiple file...done.
} player: -q
} scenario: hot_tub
} Loading hot_tub.scn...done.
} Hey! What are you still doing here? Go away!