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Internet Oracularities #1350

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Internet Oracularities #1350    (52 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 16:40:49 -0500 (EST)

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   1350
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1350  52 votes 5big2 07fjb 2djf3 7fh76 04gbl 6djc2 39n89 89eab 34nf7 47hg8
1350  3.2 mean  3.0   3.7   3.1   2.8   3.9   2.8   3.2   3.1   3.4   3.3


1350-01    (5big2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Glorious and Infenestrable Oracle, no one understands you,
> especially not your supplicants, and particularly not yours
> truly.  Yea, I barely know enough to avoid asking you about
> marmots.
>
> It's now January, and time for me to ask you again about the
> Chicago Cubs and their possibilities for the coming year's
> baseball season.  As you know, this blighted team has not won
> a World Series in about 90 years.  Will this be The Year?
> Will they get to play against the nearly equally blighted
> Boston Red Sox?  Huh?  Huh?????  My toes are tingling with
> anxiety.
>
> I patiently await your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A baseball question?  The Cubs?  You're asking me a baseball... ?
}
} Oho, I see it now, you're testing me!  This is really a Super Bowl sort
} of footballesque question, with some kind of HIDDEN MAPPING between the
} baseball teams and the, the football teams, like it's actually about
} the Panthers and the Patriots!  So, OK, all righty then, I'll tell you
} about your precious football, and...
}
} Wait, wait ONE MINUTE.  Patriots.  Hold the phone.  What you're really
} asking, what you're REALLY asking is far, far deeper... it's about the
} United STATES and its war in Iraq!  You're asking me if the "Patriots"
} are going to "win" this one for the "Gipper" in this time of, of... of
} the "Panthers"!  Well, I hate to break it to you, but the war is
} already...
}
} Ah, hang on, ah, you would have THOUGHT of that already, so it just
} can't be THAT obvious... this REALLY is about the dead bodies in those
} oil fields... or the Sixth Canticle Conspiracy... neurological circuits
} and the non-passage of quantum time... the Spear of Destiny...
}
} OK.  Wait.  Scrying pool.
}
} *Click*
}
} "And I've got such a long way to go
} To make it to the border of Mexico
} So I'll --"
}
} YOUR CALL IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US.  PLEASE HOLD ON.
}
} "-- told to hang
} I was nowhere in sight when the churchbells --"
}
} *Click*
}
} Ahem.  Cubs.  Cubs all the way.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Cosmic Trigger and a baseball autographed
} by Jim Riggleman.  And a new scrying pool.


1350-02    (07fjb dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C3E1F3.1B732A11
> Content-Type: text/plain
>
> Why is Jeremy so smart?
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C3E1F3.1B732A11
> Content-Type: text/html
>
> <META NAME=3D"Generator" CONTENT=3D"MS Exchange Server">
> <TITLE>Tellme</TITLE>
>
> <P><FONT SIZE=3D2 FACE=3D"Arial">Why is Jeremy so smart?</FONT></P>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C3E1F3.1B732A11--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why Jeremy Is So Smart
} ----------------------
}
} A Five Paragraph Essay
}
} by T. I. Oracle
}
} Jeremy is smart.  In this essay I will prove it.  I will do so by
} listing convincing reasons.  Well, actually, first I will explain that
} I will attempt to do so.  Then I will list three reasons why I believe
} Jeremy is so smart: his choice of computer programs, his politeness,
} and his style.  You will see that I am right when I start my next
} paragraph.
}
} Jeremy is smart because Jeremy uses a text-only mail client.  Jeremy's
} messages from his text-only mail client, much like my topic sentence at
} the beginning of this essay, are simple and to the point and do not
} need to be "marked up".  And there is another reason.
}
} Jeremy is smart also because Jeremy knows how to grovel. Once I got a
} 100-word letter from Jeremy in which the first 87 words were a long,
} elaborate grovel which made me feel kind of funny and swimmy inside, so
} when he got to his question (it started with "How much wood...") I
} didn't even ZOT him.  And there is another reason.
}
} Jeremy is smart also because when Jeremy does "mark up" what he writes
} (like when he writes a Web page about me), Jeremy uses monospace fonts,
} which allow people to read his ASCII art of Britney Spears and his
} chess games without difficulty.  That was the last reason, so now you
} are almost fully convinced -- almost.
}
} All in all, Jeremy is one smart cookie.  He floats my boat, he curls my
} toenails, and he is in every way a model supplicant.  I treat other
} supplicants who don't adhere to his rigorous example rather harshly.  I
} don't answer their ques... uh...
}
} ZOT!
}
} (You owe the Oracle a sestina.)


1350-03    (2djf3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, my mother, not unlike your mother, suffered a stroke, unlike
> your mother.  I'm flying out to visit her in a couple of hours. Tell
> me, O great one, is flying safe today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle sends its sympathies, noting only that the Oracle is its own
} mother, daughter, uncle, cousin, bazootie (which, given the number of
} illnesses that an entire family can have, not to mention the number of
} commas in this sentence, hurts).
}
} Flying is always safer than driving, taking the train, or being shot
} out of a cannon, if you believe the statistics.  These days, though, it
} depends on your country of destination, city of destination, country of
} nationality, financial condition, skin color, quantity and location of
} facial hair, gender, headgear, bagginess of bodywear, revealingness of
} bodywear, footgear, ease of removal of footgear, passport photo
} quality, passport paper wear level, breath odor or lack of same, facial
} expression, chest-waist-hip measurements, willingness to indulge in
} "With a soundtrack by ANTHRAX, I bet that film was a BOMB!" jokes in
} the check-in line, phase of the moon, wind currents, jet stream,
} presence of ground-to-air missile bearers at destination airport, and
} financial condition of airline.
}
} You owe the Oracle an airsick bag imprinted with "My mother had a
} stroke on the other side of the country and all I got was this stupid
} barf bag!".


1350-04    (7fh76 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh vast Oracle, who picks stocks with alacrity:
>
> When in the world will the SEC finally start going after The SCO Group
> for their pump-n-dump scheme?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Soon; perhaps as soon as next week.  The Internet Oracle has already
} invested in SCO and the SEC will also realize what a bargain their
} stock is and invest heavily.  Jump in quickly before the SEC
} investment drives up the price!  At 15.71, it is quite a deal.  I
} haven't made this much money since I shorted Cisco.  Watch it soar
} here: http://finance.yahoo.com/q?s=SCOX&d=v2
}
} You owe the Internet Oracle an autographed picture of Darl McBride.
} You owe SCO $699 times 5 for all your Linux installations (don't
} forget that firewall in the closet).


1350-05    (04gbl dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest of Oracles, that which maketh my shiny new toaster look
> dull by comparison...
>
> What is that fluff that persistantly gathers in the bottom corner of
> my wardrobe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Moths that died laughing.


1350-06    (6djc2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just how slow is a slow loris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've forwarded your question to the Slow Loris of Indiana.
} Please wait for the answer.


1350-07    (39n89 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most of the time the "Dilbert" comic strip contains cosmic truths.
> The usual high-tech company bears uncanny resemblance to Dilbert's
> place of employment, and pointy-haired bosses abound everywhere, even
> at low-tech and no-tech companies.
>
> Ocasionally, though, the strip's own hair is rather pointy, and the
> topic, if there is one, is pointless.  Today's strip is one of those.
>
> Clearly, you have advance knowledge of every Dilbert strip that Scott
> Adams will produce.  Can't you somehow guide him to rewrite the yucky
> ones before he sends them out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: ...so in short I advise you to not to fund both of the
}          projects as only one of them will produce the cure for
}          cancer. The other will unleash on the world a loathsome
}          scourge so vile, so persistent that life as we know it
}          will become so onerous that...
}
} Zadoc: Master! Wise one! Stop! Stop answering that question!
}         Look at this one here!
}
} Oracle: Heavens! I had no idea that someone needed me to
}          personally ensure their mirth over each and every
}          single panel of a syndicated comic strip! Clear out
}          the queue Zadoc. Call the heads of the G7 and tell
}          them I can't speak to them tomorrow! Put all my
}          incoming messages on hold. I must devote my full
}          attention to this at once!


1350-08    (89eab dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wily Oracle, who could role-play two Vulcans at the same
> time while keeping them distinguishable, who knows the ins and outs of
> every GM's game world as though they were those of his own lover, I
> sacrifice one of every size of die to you as I beg you to answer this
> question:
>
> I have a character who has taken on a life of his own and is complex
> and deep enough to impress people, but was cast out of the MUSH that
> was his original home due to fear that his tale would not just be taken
> as an exception and a miracle by the masses, but would instead inspire
> them to try to break every rule regardless of any lack of inspiration
> or skill. For years I have sought a new home for him, even as I suffer
> for his sake under the hands of those who would demand conformity from
> me and care little for our tale while he continues to miss his
> birthplace.  My resentment of those who reject us and my fear and anger
> have been building, while the hope my character thrives on has
> dwindled.
>
> Now, at last, I think I may have found a GM who understands and who I
> seem to be on the same wavelength with, and he's willing to run a game
> in the Star Trek universe, where both my character and his necessary
> context could easily fit and his story would be welcome -- and my
> character seems interested as well.  Early negotiations are going
> outstandingly well, yet not so utterly perfectly as to arouse
> suspicion.
>
> Is it as simple as this, oh Oracle?  Is the long night over?  Is it
> safe to fight off my demons and let my hopes soar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Longest attribution of virtue to a tribble that I've ever seen.


1350-09    (34nf7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most resilient and adamant,
>
> When will a real rain come and wipe the filth off the street?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, Hercules, but you're going to have to do this one yourself.  You
} may think that it's the obvious solution, but a rain storm that can
} clean the streets of New York City is just not going to happen.  If you
} don't plan on waiting for the icecaps to melt, I'd suggest that you
} bite the bullet and grab your shovel.
}
} You owe the Oracle another visit to King Eurysteus.  That's what you
} get for trying to get help on your labors.


1350-10    (47hg8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cleaving to optimism against the disturbing tide of feeble-
> mindedness around me, I lunge out and petition the learned
> Oracle to help with a fragment of erudition,
>
> Did the Yeti leave any heirs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Yeti is like Santa Claus, immortal and indestructable.
}
} But sadly, - impotent.
}
} So in an effort to offer the Yeti experience in many locations of
} the world for generations yet to come, the Yeti had himself cloned.
}
} But sadly, - the technology is in its infancy.
}
} The result was defective Yeti, including one living as the rather
} famous American comedian Robin Williams.
}
} The only humane thing to do was to remove the defective Yeti from
} both the gene pool and existence.  The original Yeti gathered as
} many of the cloned Yeti in one room as possible.
}
} But sadly, - not for a family reunion.
}
} He had them euthanised en masse, chopped into little pieces and
} flushed them in small batches, down his Yeti commode.
}
} In short:  Yes, many heirs.  But they clogged up his drain
} horribly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a drain snake and 14 gallons of Liquid Plumber.


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