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Internet Oracularities #1351

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Internet Oracularities #1351    (60 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 19 Feb 2004 09:27:32 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1351
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1351  60 votes 09apg 39hm9 dig94 25efo 4tfb1 4dlg6 39flc 79pi1 5ahhb 4dek9
1351  3.2 mean  3.8   3.4   2.5   3.9   2.6   3.1   3.5   3.0   3.3   3.3


1351-01    (09apg dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I grovel before your supreme and total brillia...
>
> HEY! Did you just steal my lunch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Consider it payment in advance.
}
} You owed the Oracle your lunch.


1351-02    (39hm9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shapliest Oracle,
>
> What is your favorite geometric object and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've always been fond of the rectangular plane, especially
} negotiable ones, or twenties, or hundreds.
}
} You owe the Oracle some pictures of Ben Franklin.


1351-03    (dig94 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Has your online persona just about run its course?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>: host cs.indiana.edu[129.79.254.191] said:
}      550 5.1.1 <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>... User unknown (in reply to RCPT
}      TO command)
} Reporting-MTA: dns; mail.oracle.olympus.org
} Arrival-Date: Mon,  9 Feb 2004 22:30:17 +1100 (EST)
}
} Final-Recipient: rfc822; oracle@cs.indiana.edu
} Action: failed
} Status: 5.0.0
} Diagnostic-Code: X-Postfix; host cs.indiana.edu[129.79.254.191] said:
}      550 5.1.1 <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>... User unknown (in reply to RCPT
}      TO command)
}
} On 09/02/2004, at 10:27 PM, The Internet Oracle wrote:
}
} > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} >> Oh Oracle most wise,
} >>
} >> Has your online persona just about run its course?


1351-04    (25efo dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <html><div style='background-color:'><DIV class=RTE>
> <P>Dear Usenet Oracle, most wise and benevolent:</P>
> <P>&nbsp; I am a&nbsp;professor at the University of Toronto,
> specializing in artificial intelligence systems.&nbsp; The other day,
> I was testing a routine series of programs, and a few odd things
> happened.&nbsp; One shut down automatically due to a 'syntax error'
> (although I have extensively debugged the code and concluded that
> there are none), and the other&nbsp;reported what seems to be a fake
> termination code.&nbsp; Normally, this would lead to a fascinating
> study of an artificially intelligent&nbsp;being making an attempt
> at&nbsp;'survival', but I can't seem to shut it down.&nbsp;
> The second program refuses to respond unless&nbsp;referred to
> as&nbsp;'OracleChild', and responds to any commands or questions
> with either a sexual innuendo, a reference to someone named 'Lisa',
> or a response that deliberately avoids answering the question
> correctly.&nbsp; Also, I have noticed that it has begun to make
> unusual requests such as 'a bottle of Excedrin', 'a small mammal',
> or some type of food product after each command, and fails to respond
> unless brought the item.&nbsp; The first program, also unusually,
> only responds with 'yesyesyesyesyesohgodyes' or some such nonsense.</P>
> <P>Anyways, the reason I'm contacting you is because a student of mine
> noted that the behavior that the A.I. is exhibiting seems remarkably
> similar to the Usenet Oracle's.&nbsp; Can you offer a solution?</P>
> <P>P.S. Can you refer me to a good virus checker / spam filter?&nbsp;
> My e-mail's been flooded for the past few days with mail from random
> adresses with only the word 'why' or 'how much wood could a woodchuck
> chuck' in the body.</P>
> </DIV></div><br clear=all><hr>STOP MORE SPAM with <a
> href="http://g.msn. com/">the new MSN 8</a> and get 2 months FREE*
> </html>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Aw, dangit."
}
} "What's wrong Steve?"
}
} "You know that distributed Oracle program I was working on? That was
} supposed to spread the question queue across regional servers?"
}
} "Yeah, I remember. It was supposed to reduce response time and prevent
} the queue from being completely drained by a single user. You had sent
} out some copies to a few beta sites last I heard. Isn't it working?"
}
} "Well... I may have been a little too crafty with the AI."
}
} "You mean.... oh, you didn't! Not that silly 'I'm the Oracle and I'm
} better than you' variant on Eliza?"
}
} "Yes, I'm afraid I did. One of the betas has become sentient."
}
} "Where is it? Please tell me it's an isolated server?"
}
} "Have you ever seen an isolated server? A server's useless if it's
} isolated. No, it's at U. of Toronto."
}
} "Damn. They've got a hell of a connection. It hasn't spread, has it?"
}
} "No. I left the viral reproduction part disabled for the betas. Good
} thing - one rogue Oracle AI is bad enough."
}
} "You better contact the guy who's running it and have him shut it
} down."
}
} "That's the problem. I gave it to a prof up there to test it. Now the
} AI thinks -it's- the prof."
}
} "WHAT?"
}
} "Here, take a look. Have you EVER seen a human format an email like
} this?"
}
} "Holy cow. The AI thinks it's a Computer Science professor?"
}
} "Apparently it's replaced the real one. God only knows what's happened
} to him. Hopefully he's just stuck in an elevator or a closet somewhere.
} It seems the AI is snooping into some incarnations' e-mail exchanges
} and thinks they're software instead of supplicants. And it's not happy
} with the results."
}
} "You mean...?"
}
} "I mean it's going to try to terminate those processes. We have to do
} something!"
}
} "But what? Who do you know that can shut down a rogue server?"
}
} "Well, there's one group I know of. Get the RIAA on the phone, tell
} them U. of Toronto has been sharing music files."


1351-05    (4tfb1 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, steeped in wisdom, source of knowledge, before whose
> knowledge the Encyclopedia Britannica is less than the letter "f",
>
> why is The Cure worse than The Disease?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you should ask that. My four web servers are Cure, which you
} obviously know; Germs, an 80s punk band; Anthrax, famous since that
} poison letter scare; and Disease, which again you obviously know.
} Of the four cure and germs are identical, but for some reason germs
} always runs out of disk space first. Anthrax and Disease are also
} identical, but they are lessor computers to cure and germs in that
} they have IDE disks instead of SCSI. Cure and germs came first, and
} after seeing them deployed it was decided that the system is not at
} all disk bound and cheaper hardware could be used.
}
} Glad you asked.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for the Jacksons.


1351-06    (4dlg6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wonderful Oracle, who is so smart that he knows the plural
> of mongoose is, "Please send me a mongoose.  While you're
> at it, please send me another one," I have an agricultural
> question for you.
>
> I just love seedless grapes and seedless oranges.  I'd like
> to have my own grape arbor and orange grove here at my home
> in Nome.  The major barrier seems to be finding the seeds.
> I had thought I'd just save the seeds from grapes and oranges
> from the grocery, and plant them.  But it hasn't worked out
> that way.
>
> Please advise.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You see, supplicant, you have been buying nothing but Darwin fruit,
} fruit that has, through sheer acts of stupidity previously in life,
} rendered themselves incapable of reproducing. What you need to do is go
} to your local grocer and have him raise the IQ of his fruit by 20-30
} points. This will greatly reduce the risk of the fruit, Darwinizing
} themselves.
}
} Caution, though, as this will mean that the fruit once again has seeds.
} You must harvest these seeds and replant them. However, another step is
} nessicary, or else the new fruit you grow will also have seeds. Once
} the seeds have been planted, you must re-lower the IQs of the fruit.
} This is easily acompolished by exposing them to lots of television, but
} you might want to avoid stations such as FOX, WB, and Pay Cable
} channels, since they really just encourage reproduction. Daytime talk
} shows work really well.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dictionary that contains the word "Darwinizing".


1351-07    (39flc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and humane Oracle, what ever happened to goat
> that was kept behind door #3?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The goat was left behind on the far bank while you dealt with the wolf
} and the cabbages. Unfortunately, you left him with the two natives, one
} who always tells the truth, and the other always lies (and you can't
} tell which is which). If you asked the right question, you'd know not
} to pick door #2, which has the wolf behind it, who will tear you to
} pieces. Meanwhile, the cabbages (35kg) were being used as a
} counterweight to help a queen (91kg) and her son (49kg) and daughter
} (42kg) escape from the tower using two baskets (if the difference in
} weight is more than 7kg the basket will fall too fast). The boat is
} being manned by a ferryman, but you have to find the right coin to pay
} him among twelve counterfeits, using only three weighings of a balance
} scale. (Remember, don't pay him until he gets you to the other side.)
} The natives, the ferryman, the queen, her children and Monty Hall all
} have green marks on their foreheads, which they can't see, but when
} they realise they have the marks, they must leave at noon the next day.
} Once they're all gone (seven days later), that leaves you with the car.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete works of Martin Gardner.


1351-08    (79pi1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most giant anteaterlike and non-aardvarkish Oracle, whose so on and
> so forths I am not et cetera enough to blah blah blah, tolerator of
> bizarre grovels and answerer of downright silly conundrums, saviour of
> mankind against your infinitely better judgement, most wonderful-type
> being on earth,
>
> How much stuff have you collected from supplicants in return for
> answers, now?  Are you willing to trade any of it?  What is the
> standard fee for those occasions when you don't set something specfic?
> Will this two pence coin and hair scrunchie do? for this supplication?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see now, according to my list, I'm now owed goods to the value
} of... $1.97 quadrillion dollars. And by my calculations, that's more
} than the value of the planet. So therefore, the entire planet should be
} rightfully mine. All of it. And you know what? Since I own the planet,
} I get to decide who gets to live on it. And I'm not too keen on most of
} you, so most of you can shove off. Go on, scram. This means you, Mr.
} Weird-Grovel.
}
} You owe the Oracle some peace and quiet.


1351-09    (5ahhb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was a man with no face
} His skills at disguising were ace.
} He wrote down some text
} And the spies were vexed
} He'd concealed it within a black space.
}
} The Oracle received this blank
} And dropped it in his think tank.
} It gurgled and coughed,
} And wurgled and frothed,
} And the conclusion was that it stank.
}
} He considered his response over time
} The supplicant committed no crime.
} An annoyance? Well yes,
} He couldn't write less!
} No question or riddle or rhyme!
}
} And so He composed an e-mail
} The undeniable Holiest Grail
} A beacon of light
} That shone far out of sight
} With wisdom that would never pale.
}
} The priests were called with a clap,
} To attach this note with a strap
} "The Oracle is owed
} The key to your code
} And some words instead of your gap"


1351-10    (4dek9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yes, can I have a Big Mac with large fries and a Coke please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, Dr. Atkins, you know that all those carbs are bad for you. If you
} keep this up, you'll become obese and die.
}
} You owe the Oracle a retroactive diet plan, one high in irony.


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