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Internet Oracularities #1352

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Internet Oracularities #1352    (52 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 05 Mar 2004 10:32:26 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1352
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1352  52 votes 8hda4 238dq 3fla3 6dcf6 3dff6 14bkg 2amd5 14gkb 5bhf4 07li6
1352  3.3 mean  2.7   4.1   2.9   3.0   3.2   3.9   3.2   3.7   3.0   3.4


1352-01    (8hda4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most omniscient of Oracles, who has more wisdom in your little
> fingernail than I have in my entire body,
>
> Do you have any comments for our readers on the woman who took that job
> in the Dungeons of Doom from you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sweetie, the Oracle takes on many guises to fit the client's
} expectations, to suit the climate, or his whims. Being a grumpy
} old bearded guy all the time is fine for system adminstators,
} but sometimes the Oracle likes a change...
}
} [ The lights dim, a wall of speakers and amplifiers rise
}   up behind the Oracle, who now holds an electric guitar
}   and has donned a pair of very fake, absurdly large pouty
}   lips. The Oracle begins to rock out! ]
}
} Please allow me to introduce myself
} I can be a man, or a gal with rings of paste
} I've hung around for a keg of virtual beer
} Told many a man his question was a total waste
}
} Zadoc: Ooo, who
}
} And I was 'round before Kinzler had mice
} or 'e heard of GNU or GUI window pains
} Made damn sure that Tim Chew lad
} Washed his hair -- and scrubbed his face
}
} Zadoc: Ooo, who
}        Ooo, who, who
}
} Pleased to answer you
} Hope you guess my name
} But what's clogged the queue
} Is a bunch of questions all the same
}
} I stuck around some Indiana School
} When it was time for this oracle to change
} Killfiled ol' Joel and his sinsters
} Bunch of lemurs screamed insane
}
} I robbed a bank
} boffed a general's skank
} While the rhodents raged
} and no one said thanks
}
} I shouted out,
} Who asked about Barbie, Ken and me?
} When after all
} It was...
}
} [ TWANG! ]
}
} Oracle: Oh man, I broke a string.
}
} Zadoc: Ooo, who
}        Ooo, who, who
}        Ooo, who, who
}        Ooo, who, who
}
} Oracle: Worm, enough already!
}
} Zadoc: Ooo, who, who
}        Ooo, who, who
}        Ooo, who...
}
} Oracle: ZADOC!
}
} Zadoc: Sorry noble one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for heroin addiction.


1352-02    (238dq dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: lawrence.4@pop.service.ohio-state.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most helpful,
>
> Despite the fact that I lost my arms in a horrible accident 2 years
> ago, none of the arms dealers I've spoken to are willing to help.  Why
> is that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like you, I'm stumped.


1352-03    (3fla3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me about the country of Vigeria.
>
> I expect your answer awaitently and grovel
> continuously as I wish something would happen.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vigeria, a nation with a rich history, was formed when three small
} villages in Patagonia, Suriname, and Kazakhstan simultaneously seceded,
} forming the only sovereign nation on earth that exists simultaneously
} on three separate continents.  Vigeria's benevolent dictator-for-life,
} Pol "Baby Hitler" Stalinsein, has succeeded in raising the standard of
} living in the country significantly in his five-month rule by the
} simple expedient of deporting everyone not directly related to him or
} really, really attractive. Unfortunately, the treasury is continually
} depleted by the enormous air-fares required for him to travel to the
} three co-capitals.
}
} You owe the Oracle diplomatic immunity and a CD of David Hasselhoff
} singing the Vigerian National Anthem: "Coffee, Tea, or Sovereignty?"


1352-04    (6dcf6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 88 Lines about 44 Supplicants
> A Song
> By T.I. Oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fuzzy was a catatonic squirrel, nut queries submitted end on end.
} Karl a queue junkie type, would needle me, as he stuck one in.
} Mary was a bland girl, and I'm afraid I yawn at Qs like that.
} Sue hated ASCII pictures, 42, and a certain Mr. Schroedinger's cat.
}
} Reno was a city question, a geographic twin peak memory.
} Lassie was a tire chasing freak, she liked that kind of, and a tree.
} Ricky had this special way of taking answers all, all too wrong.
} Cameltoe's queries always cracked up, I'd roar both good and long.
}
} Xena couldn't type, a TV star, but kind of a leather sap.
} Joan asked of voices in heads of deep black deep black bathyscaphs.
} Cherry was a bright red fruit, she really lacked the gift of gab.
} Katherine question always this: TELLME is every Horse so fab?
}
} Seabiscut was another horse his questionable mark a pile of cr*p
} Parker was a tongue tied pup, he'd start to ask then take it back
} Oglina had this spiky club talk that made folks both foam and rage
} Married Helen, had some fun asked, "I & Paris, will spawn a play?"
}
} Dorky, thought the the w..dch..k taboo was kind of lame,
} Peewee brought popcorn back, it looked icky, asked of fame
} Marilyn, who knew JFK by name, was never, ever satisfied.
} Jules V. came & went so fast, he never even let his sub get dry.
}
} Some Rhodent had a donut road, lived on oregano, ate long pig
} Tim owned a good mind, a questionable sense of worth, and a wig.
} Frenchie his life empty, filled the queue up with his scrawl.
} And Caramia, oh so pretty, she wouldn't hear of MIME at all.
}
} Paul thought fish were funny, it turned him on & turned her off.
} Kitty-Kat constipted, asked about Exlax cat food by the trough.
} Dino was the perfect drunkard, he never gave his story straight.
} Jackie a rich golddigger, asked about her hubby -- far too late.
}
} Saran Wrap was a modern plastic, a lean pristine transparency.
} Remote wrote bad crossover questions in a crazy kind of urgency.
} Moonunit Zappa asks of `bagas & the art of tuning singing fruit
} While Hook's deranged obsession was for trolling, high on toot.
}
} Roe asked about Wade's daughter, a topic far too hot to touch.
} B-B's brother left the barrel, ricocheted funny, asking too much.
} 401K had no such problems, perfect interest for a loan.
} Tina's question switchblade sick, had an edge, cut to the bone
}
} Bobbie wanted to know under where he'd find his socks.
} Elohim, the avatar, asked of a prince, of whales, and lox.
} Larry wanted things debugged a bit, instead he got a top ten list.
} Mr. Raygun was much more my style, he mumbled often, had lisp
} Jesus, went forty days with no drinking, dry questions every day
} While Dinah drove a golf ball question deep into San Francisco bay.
} Roise asked about Ohio, she was round on either end too
} And moldy Popeye, here's a twist, I have your answer in my fist
} Bar foo Foobar and take two
}
} Eighty-eight lines about forty-four Supplicants.
}
} You owe the Oracle ninety nine bottles of beer.


1352-05    (3dff6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh greatest oracle.... who's age is ifinity larger than mine. i have a
> question that neds an awnser.
>
> why didn't all of violet's clothes tear off when she became a giant
> blueberry? i mean, come on. she couldn't possibly fit into her clothes
> when she was a huge blue berry. and what would of happend if they did
> come off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wonka porn, the depths have been plumbed.


1352-06    (14bkg dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > look
>
> You are in the middle of a desert.  There appears to be some sort of
> structure to the north.
>
> Obvious exits: N S E W NE NW SE SW
>
> > inventory
>
> Thou, the most Illustrious Oracle hast:
>
> Some cool Shades
> A +5 Rod of Zot <10 charges remaining>
> A wafer (10x)
> A canteen (full)
> A piece of paper
>
> > look paper
>
> It appears to have something written on it.
>
> > read paper
>
> Greetings Oracle.  We placed you in this world to see what you would
> do when separated from your loyal Priesthood.
>
> (Signed) The Anti-Oracle Faction- Force of the Endless Desert
>
> (you finish reading)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > look N
}
} There appears to be some sort of structure to the north.
}
} > N
}
} You are outside the Temple of the Anti-Oracle.  There is a legend
} above the door.
}
} Obvious exits: S E W NE NW SE SW
}
} > Read legend
}
} The legend reads, "What are you gonna do now, Mr. Smartyrobes?"
}
} > examine door
}
} The door looks very sturdy.  There is a heavy padlock.
}
} > examine lock
}
} The lock reads, "Woodchuck Strongthew Zot-proof Padlock"
}
} > jump up and down
}
} You jump up and down in a rage like a spoiled child.
}
} > i
}
} Thou, the most Illustrious Oracle hast:
}
} Some cool Shades
} A +5 Rod of Zot <10 charges remaining>
} A wafer (10x)
} A canteen (full)
} A piece of paper
}
} > examine wafer
}
} The wafer is typical rye waybread, filling but uninteresting.
}
} > examine canteen
}
} The canteen is...
}
} > hang on.  did you say rye?
}
} The wafer is typical rye waybread, filling but uninteresting.
}
} > Aha!
}
} I'm sorry, I don't know how to Aha!
}
} > put wafer on doorstep
}
} You put the wafer on the doorstep.
}
} > pour water on wafer
}
} I can't do that.
}
} > examine canteen
}
} The canteen is tightly closed to prevent evaporation.
}
} > open canteen
}
} The canteen is open.
}
} > pour water on wafer
}
} You pour a small amount of water on the wafer.
}
} > put paper in mouth
}
} You stuff the smug Anti-Oracle note into your mouth.
}
} > chew
}
} This is tough stuff!
}
} > chew
}
} Hmm, pleasant, if a bit dry.
}
} > chew
}
} The paper has been reduced to a pulpy, off-white mass.
}
} > spit paper onto wafer
}
} You spit the disgusting mass onto the wafer.
}
} > shade wafer
}
} With what?
}
} > shade wafer with shades
}
} You can't do that while you're wearing them.
}
} > take off shades
}
} Man, that's bright!
}
} > shade wafer with shades
}
} You prop up the shades so that they are blocking the sun from the
} wafer.
}
} > wait
}
} The sun is very hot here.
}
} > wait
}
} Whew!  What a scorcher, eh?
}
} > wait
}
} You are starting to feel a bit woozy
}
} > wait
}
} You are very hot and weak, and your vision is beginning to blur.
}
} > examine wafer
}
} The sticky rye-and-paper mass is coated with a purplish-gray fuzz.
}
} > eat wafer
}
} Are you sure?  It doesn't look very appetizing.
}
} > eat wafer
}
} You manage to choke down the disgusting mass.  After a few minutes,
} you vomit it all up again, but you now feel very strange.  The argot
} in the mold has altered your conscious- ness.
}
} > travel astrally
}
} Where?
}
} > travel astrally to priests
}
} Your astral body leaves your physical form and floats gently along
} paths of ethereal energy to the priests, who come and rescue you.
}
} -----------
} Now, you bloody well owe the Oracle the complete first season
} of MacGyver!


1352-07    (2amd5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please astonish me again with your miraculous knowledge of all that
> has passed, your superb grasp of the here and now and fascinating
> foresight as to what is to be...Oracle you are indeed grand.
>
> Should I take all my pans with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} C'mon, Sam. You haven't seen a single thing worth cooking in three
} weeks. I'm surprised you haven't seen more attention from the orcs,
} what with all that bloody clanging. Speaking of food, you haven't got
} any. You can't afford to be dallying around worrying about your
} precious (sorry) pans. You'll have the opportunity to get more pans.
} Right now you've got to get Mr. Frodo to Mount Doom so he can ditch
} that damn Ring. Oh, and keep an eye out for that sneaky bastard Gollum.
} He's still pissed off at not being nominated for an Oscar.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pound of Old Toby.


1352-08    (14gkb dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh doubted Oracle,
>
> Today is not opposite day.  I loathe all of the advice you have ever
> given me.  I hope you take forever to answer this complicated
> question:
>
> What are the rules for poker, again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sadly for you, supplicant, you are correct in that it isn't Opposites
} Day, seeing as such a festival only occurs on alternate Tuesdays when
} the moon is full, and the slugs have formed a conga line down your
} garden path.
}
} You've caught me in a merciful mood though. When Lisa gives me one
} of her famous... I mean I'm just generally cheerful.
}
} The rules for poker are...
}
} 1) Each combatant is to be given one poker.
} 2) All pokers must be standard issue black, 1m long and fireproof
} 3) Any combatant caught with more than one poker shall have the extra
}    poker inserted into him/her.
} 4) Fires are to be of high quality anthracite coal, and will have been
}    burning for between 30 minutes and 1 hour before battle begins.
} 5) Pokes above the neck, and below the knee are illegal, and result in
}    immediate disqualification.
} 6) Any combatant landing in a fire shall be mocked by spectators
} 7) First to ten pokes wins.
}
} Not that difficult is it, really? Now take your poker, and get in the
} ring.
}
} En Garde!
}
} You owe the Oracle a good clean fight, and some marshmallows.


1352-09    (5bhf4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O omniscient Oracle,
>
> Could you demonstrate the difference between the arithmetic mean, the
> geometric mean, and the harmonic mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a hot and boring afternoon in the Grand Oracular temple. A single
} chime sounds, and the Oracle opens up his latest e-mail. He mumbles the
} words out loud as he reads them, before scrunching up his face in
} thought...
}
} "Zadoc? Hoi, Zadoc!"
}
} A man enters, shuffling on his knees in a most undignified manner
}
} "You called, oh He-Who-Is-More-Fragrant-Than-Roses?"
}
} "Shut up and listen"
}
} "Yes your magnificence, sir"
}
} The Oracle reaches back behind his throne, and pulls out a strange
} looking device. It looks remarkably like something from Star Trek. He
} points it at Zadoc, who promptly bounces up and down on the floor in a
} rhythmic fashion
}
} "oof ouch oof ow ow ow ow "
}
} Zadoc gets back to his knees, minus one or two teeth... well, maybe
} more than that...
}
} "Fankyou oh brilliant once, oh He Fow-Wich-I-Haf-Nuffing-But-Refpect"
}
} "Zadoc... calculate the angle between two lines both of which bisect
} angles of 75M-: which themselves are separated by an angle theta, which
} is equal to the angle made between the earth-moon and moon-sun lines on
} Friday the twenty fourth of July last year at exactly the same time
} that Mrs Grumbelmeyer's toast burned?"
}
} Zadoc quivers, frantically counting on his fingers and drawing diagrams
}
} "Time's up!"
}
} Zadoc is thrown against the wall by the device
}
} "*gasp* Fank *pant* you my lord"
}
} "Now Zadoc, tell me... at what speed is the second train travelling,
} assuming the second train is in a set of fourteen which have velocities
} varying from 13 m/s to 4 miles per hour in a quadratic relationship for
} which the constants in the corresponding equation are 3, 4 and pi,
} assuming that wind resistance accounts for one tenth of the velocity
} and that variations in the speed due to track quality are negligible
} but only to first order"
}
} There is a small silence
}
} Zadoc's head explodes, getting blood onto the brand new Winchester
} carpets.
}
} "Well... that was definetly mean of me. In all three ways too"
}
} You owe the Oracle a mode of transporting his medians


1352-10    (07li6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do women wear a *pair* of panties but only *one* bra?
>
> (At least usually.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I think I see your confusion. The one bra covers a pair of items,
} so you think it should be a pair itself. Grasshopper, you miss the
} reason for a bra: to create the (single) cleavage. The pair of panties
} serves to cover two distinct things (front and back, if you get my
} meaning).
}
} You owe the Oracle many pictures illustrating -- Oh, hello Lisa, no,
} no, nothing you can help me with -- why don't you make that pictures of
} kids with balloons or something.


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