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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great oracle, i'm just a pet in your presence. can you give me a > meaningful self-referential story? and don't copy it from some one > else!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A self-referential story walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, } "Hey, aren't you a self-referential story?" } } The self-referential story replies, "Why, yes.  As a matter of fact, I } am." } } Looking over a small black and red notebook, the bartender informs the } self-referential story that it has a very large and past due tab, and } demands that it pay up immediately. } } Outraged, the self-referential story demands proof, saying, "How do you } know it wasn't some other self-referential story?" } } The bartender replies with a smug look on his face, "Yeah, you know } I've heard this story before." } } You owe the Oracle a self-reference (of yourself this time).

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, even the expletives you shout when you stub your toe > contain more wisdom than the combined writings of all the world's major > religions! > > What kind of market is there for used human body parts? I just read > where some people at a university which shall remain nameless (but > whose initials are UCLA) are being investigated for selling parts taken > from donated cadavers. > > I can see a demand for fresh organs for transplants, but will people > actually pay money for cadaver parts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} People do.  The real question is, who? } } FALSE ANSWER: } Mad scientists. } } BAD ANSWER: } Death, incarnate. } } OUT-AND-OUT LYING ANSWER: } Zadoc. } } LUDICROUS ANSWER: } 6-foot-tall, mutated prarie dogs. } } HAIKU ANSWER: } I once saw a clown } Naked and covered in blood } Wielding a chainsaw. } } CONSPIRACY THEORIST ANSWER: } The government. } } X-FILES ANSWER: } Beings from the planet Venus. } } ZEN ANSWER: } There are dead body parts.  There are live people.  Sooner or later, } something was bound to happen. } } TRUE ANSWER: } Researchers, mostly. } } You owe the Oracle a picture of the clown.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and spiffy, kindly answer a most puzzling question. > > Which is correct: > > "Feed a Fever, Starve a Cold" > or > "Feed a Cold, Starve a Fever" ? > > Thank you, > Your most humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To feed, or not to feed, that is the question: } Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer } The pangs and grumbles of an empty stomach; } Or to take spoons against a sea of germs, } And by digesting, end them: to eat, to sleep } No more; and by a sleep, to say we end } The stomach-ache, and the thousand natural shocks } That nausea is heir to; 'Tis a consumption } Devoutly to be wish'd. To eat to sleep, } To sleep, perchance to dream; Aye, there's the rub. } For in that sleep of food, what dreams may come, } When we have shoveled off this mortal plate } Must give us pause. There's the respect } That makes healthy of so long life: } For who would bear the burps and screamns of gas, } The oppressor's fruitcake, the proud man's indigestion, } The pangs of Aunt Edna's meatloaf, the sauce parfait, } The insolence of coffee, and the worms } That children in the mud pie bake, } When he himself might his Pepto take } With a bare teaspoon? Who would fartles bear } To grunt and sweat under a queasy life -- } But that the dread of something after bread, } The undiscovered country, from whose bourn } The Country Crock, puzzles the will, } And makes us rather bear those ills we have, } Than fly to others that we know not of. } Thus conscience does make germwads of us all, } And thus the native hue of restitution } Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of toast, } And bathroom trips of great pitch and movement, } With this regard their currents turn awry, } And lose the name of action. } } I say feed 'em both.  In moderation, of course.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What was that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. } } Then the 't' got replaced with a 'w'. } } It's a common children's game, replace one letter at a } time until you have a whole new word with none of the } original letters. } } that } What } whEt } wheN } wRen } } You owe the Oracle a bird.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Possessing great scholarly learning, the Oracle is great. He would > never fall for the "Hey, your shoes are untied" prank. He is just > too darn smart for that, > > Are there any limitations or exclusions to the Accidental Answer > coverage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes, the Oracle's insurance policy. Here's part of the policy: it } tells you what's covered and what isn't. } } ORACULAR ANSWER INSURANCE POLICY } -------------------------------- } The Oracular Answer Insurance Policy protects the supplicant against } certain types of inadequate answers. } } Terms and Conditions } -------------------- } The supplicant will not be covered in any event under these conditions; } } * The question, or a substantially similar one, has been submitted by }   the supplicant on at least three (3) previous occasions. } } * The question, or a substantially similar one, has been answered by }   the incarnation on at least two (2) previous occasions, regardless }   of whether the supplicant has asked this question before. } } * The question is a blank question, i.e. }   > } } * The question refers to woodchucks, or the Woodchuck Question (TM). } } * The question is of a hackneyed style, including but not limited to }   ripped-off Steve Wright jokes and "the Oracle has no questions to }   ask". } } * The oracularity is placed in the Oracularity Digests, and the }   oracularity scores 3.2 or higher (rounded to the first decimal }   place). In this event, the supplicant will be deemed to have }   received a good answer, whether or not they liked it. } } Subject to the above conditions, the supplicant is protected from the } following types of answers: } } Blank Answers } ------------- } The supplicant will be covered if the Oracle replies with a blank } answer, i.e. } } } or similar, except in the event that the question is about silence, or } similar topic. } } Formatting } ---------- } 1. The supplicant will be covered if the reply quotes the question in }    full, unless referring to each point in turn. } } 2. The supplicant will be covered if the reply is encoded in MIME or }    HTML. } } 3. The supplicant will not be covered if the reply contains a signature }    added by a free mail service. } } 4. The supplicant will be covered if the reply contains a personal }    signature that is irrelevant to the answer. } } 5. The supplicant will be covered if the reply is in l33tsp33k or }    similar style. } } Zot! and Assorted Flames } ------------------------ } 1. The supplicant will be covered if the reply consists solely of a }    flame regarding the supplicants failure to grovel. Such flame may or }    may not include a ZOT! (TM). } } 2. The supplicant will not be covered for flames regarding MIME or HTML }    encoding. The Oracle is a text-based service, and unnecessary }    encoding is inconsiderate. } } 3. The supplicant will be covered for flames about the quality of the }    question (subject to the above conditions). } } 4. The supplicant will be covered for spelling or grammar flames only }    if the reply also contains spelling or grammatical errors. } } 5. The supplicant will not be covered for a ZOT! (TM) if it occurs as }    part of a joke. } } Non-sequitur } ------------ } 1. The supplicant will be covered if the answer is completely }    irrelevant to the question. However, the supplicant will not be }    covered if the question makes a reference to non-sequitur, irrelevant }    answers, or misdirected answers. } } 2. The supplicant is not covered for answers consistent with the }    information given in the question. The Oracle may choose to provide }    completely unexpected answers for humorous purposes. } } 3. The supplicant will be covered for nonsensical answers. } } Serious answers } --------------- } The supplicant must be prepared to accept serious answers, as displays } of the Oracle's omniscience. However, they will be covered if the } Oracle makes no attempt to entertain the supplicant in the process. } } Insurance Payout } ---------------- } If insurance is to be paid out for an inadequate answer, the supplicant } is exempt from paying any tribute for the offending answer. } } Silver Policy holders are also entitled to payment for any medical } expenses resulting from ZOT!s (TM) or other retribution from the Oracle } in the answer. } } Golden Policy holders are entitled to a compensatory payout for the } answer. } } All policy holders are entitled to resubmit the question, but the } question may not be covered by insurance (see Terms and Conditions } above). } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } A fairly good policy, I think you'll agree. The premiums are pretty } damn high, though; with all the lusers that get into the queue there's } a lot of stuff to pay out on. Nobody's taken up the Golden Policy yet, } as they seem rather keen to keep their immortal souls for some reason. } Oh well, it's their loss.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who knows all the numbers, > > Exactly how many carrots must one eat per day to turn one's skin > orange?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Research Journal: Carrot Experiment 33. } } Day One: Subject "Zadoc" ate his first meal of carrot soup, with a } carrot salad and carrot cake without complaining. Skin remains at its } standard pale colour. Subject was on knees for approximately two hours } grovelling and thanking the Oracle for this honour. Experimenter } threatened subject with a severe zotting. } } Day Four: Subject appears to be getting heartily sick of carrots, but } knows better than to complain. Skin remains the same colour, despite a } four day diet of nothing but carrots. Grovelling lasted three hours. } } Day Seven: Subject's visual acuity has increased to the point where he } can see in pitch black. This has enabled money to be saved on } electricity in all rooms that the Oracle is not present, since the } Oracle's Light of Knowledge illuminates a room anyway. Subject dared to } roll his eyes when his carrot souffle was served to him. Subject was } then dangled out of the window by his nosehairs as a reminder. } } Day Ten: Subject exhibits disturbing rabbit-like tendencies, including } nose twitches, elongated teeth and nibbling at his carrots. He also } remains in curled up positions, moving by hops from place to place. } Skin is unchanged from day one. Today's grovel was interrupted by } random outbursts of "What's up Doc?" and "Of course you realise this } means war!". } } Day Fifteen: Skin has changed, in that subject has grown fur, and } floppy ears. Teeth are extended and sharp, and subject happily eats all } carrots placed before him. Grovels are now mostly unintelligible. } } Day Twenty: No distinguishable human features remain, subject acts } completely like a rabbit, as well as looking like one. Experiment } deemed to be a failure. } } Day Twenty One: Experiment abandoned. For lunch, the Oracle had a light } carrot soup, followed by roast rabbit, with left over carrot-cake for } dessert. } } You owe the Oracle some Vitamin A

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > What kind of pets will be most popular after WWIII?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Farmers, tractor mechanics, and video game programmers.  Our future } Bovine masters like to eat, and they love a good fragfest. } } You owe the Oracle the source code to Duke Milk'em.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Zadoc. > > How can you stand working for that idiot?  I know you're the real > brains in the organization.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You MORON! You stupid, blundering fool! You have no idea what you've } just done! I've been working undercover here for nine years, feigning } stupidity, crawling at his feet, taking the brunt of his wrath, all the } while collecting evidence that would blow his entire corrupt scheme out } of the water. And I was so close! Within days I would have got the } final pieces I needed to complete my mission and expose the Oracle for } the crook and the fraud that he is. And you just went and blew my } cover! You absolute, complete, utter cretin! Now he'll find out, and I } won't stand a chance! Oh no! I hear him! He's coming for me now! This } is all your fault, you imbecile! When I get my hands on you you're } going to be sorrier than you can ever- } }                  ZZZZZZZZ       OOOO       TTTTTTTT     !! }                  ZZZZZZZZ      OOOOOO      TTTTTTTT     !! }                        ZZ     OOO  OOO        TT        !! }                       ZZ      OO    OO        TT        !! }                      ZZ       OO    OO        TT        !! }                     ZZ        OO    OO        TT        !! }                    ZZ         OO    OO        TT        !! }                   ZZ          OO    OO        TT        !! }                  ZZ           OOO  OOO        TT }                  ZZZZZZZZ      OOOOOO         TT        !! }                  ZZZZZZZZ       OOOO          TT        !! } } NO CARRIER

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great oracle, > > what's the diffrence between a gatling gun and a machine gun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, being the Oracle, I just happen to have several of both, which } I've gained in tribute. } } Let's see... we'll start with the gatling gun } } *BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG* } } Now, what did you think of that? } ... } } Well? } ... } } Supplicant? Er... supplicant? } } *prod* } } Oh dear. } } I guess the difference between them doesn't matter. } } You owe the Oracle... well... not much really.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Unconvertable, stable and fully-qualified Oracle, you > continue as you have always been throughout eternity. > Even the most absolute supplicant (which I certainly > am not) can feel envy at your perspagacity in having > already learned everything before anyone knew about it. > > I have sinned greatly, and seek absolution.  I tried > going to Confession at the Catholic church down the > street and it didn't work.  Father O'Malley told me > to do 31 Hail Marys and 17 Our Fathers.  Nothing > happened.  Should I maybe drink more Absolut?  Will > I become more absolute?  And what about Cardinal Sin? > And Manila?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you've strayed, praying isn't going to make things any better. This } is going to take a few sacrifices. } } Please note that, whatever may have happened in the past, the church } now frowns upon human sacrifices. I mean, actual human sacrifices, with } the blood, and the screaming, and the bursts of fire. The church isn't } considered chaotic these days; it's lawful, or, in a secular state, } neutral. Sacrificing a human on the altar *would* be a cardinal sin. } Naturally, being a follower of a lawful or neutral god, you wouldn't be } able to get humans to sacrifice without becoming a murderer anyway. } Losing telepathy sucks. } } No, what you need is to sacrifice a few animals. Big ones, preferably. } A few unicorns would do the trick, but sadly they seem to be genocided, } or at least extinct. You'll have to make do with ordinary animals. The } problem is, most are neutrally aligned, so if you're neutral as well, } which is quite likely, just killing animals isn't going to improve } things with your god. You'll have to drag them onto the altar and offer } them up. Unfortunately, there aren't too many big animals to be found } nearby, so you'll have to go out hunting. } } The corpses - the ones worth sacrificing - are damn heavy, so by the } time you get them to the altar they may have gone off. Gods like their } meat fresh, so this won't do any good. The best solution would be to } get an icebox and dump the corpses in there, then haul the box to the } altar. Then you can sacrifice away! } } Once you're in your god's good books again, you can get some great } stuff. You'll be able to make holy water, you can get magic books, you } can even get some neat weaponry. A nice sharp blade will make your day } much easier. The vorpal blade goes snicker-snack, and whoops! there } goes someone's head! Isn't this fun? } } Now, you should be careful when you're drinking. Those potions of booze } will probably make you confused, and you wouldn't want to accidentally } cut your priest's head off, would you? That would undo all your good } work. The gods don't have anything on my ZOT power, but the lightning } bolts they throw can still pack a punch. If you have the right scrolls, } you'll be able to protect your armor from the ravages of rust and acid. } You won't need to bother doing that with your new sword - that special } coating on the steel is a miracle. } } A nice big donation to the priest for a healthy dose of protection, and } you're on your way. You'll have your hands on the Amulet in no time! } } You owe the Oracle a four-leaf clover. You should have seen plenty of } them by now.