[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:08:10 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1354

Goto:
1354, 1354-01, 1354-02, 1354-03, 1354-04, 1354-05, 1354-06, 1354-07, 1354-08, 1354-09, 1354-10


Internet Oracularities #1354    (54 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 21:41:20 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1354
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1354  54 votes 09jn3 06kl7 98bl5 2fid6 8jcc3 3glc2 7dhe3 chk50 4cjg3 cnc43
1354  2.9 mean  3.4   3.5   3.1   3.1   2.7   2.9   2.9   2.3   3.0   2.3


1354-01    (09jn3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose knowledge is as overpowering as his stench,
>
> Which metal is better for blocking the government mind-control rays,
> tin or aluminum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Zadoc?  This dashboard pine freshener needs replaced...]
}
} No one has been sure whether tin, aluminum, or even the impentitrable
} mesh of a stainless steel collander is better than just plain old
} turning up your stereo, supplicant.  But we here at Oracle Labs
} ("Better things for better living through alchemy...") have tried
} various metals over the years with mixed success.
}
} Aluminum:  Supplicant spoke British English, was confused
} Steel: Supplicant developed neck strain
} Wrought Iron:  Supplicant rusted
} Tin: Supplicant changed his name to Stan
} Plastic: Supplicant got a great redneck haircut with bangs
} Lead: Supplicant got lead poisoning
} Silver: Supplicant still got goverment messages, but not from werewolves
} Lithium: Supplicant felt better about things in general
} Sodium: Supplicant sweated, then head exploded
}
} The only metal that seemed to work was Gold, which he used to bribe
} some of our monks to stop testing him (after seeing the results sodium
} experiment), and later to bribe the government to change the messages
} to one that was more soothing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a phone call to "The Wolf" to clean up this lab
} after that sodium experiment.


1354-02    (06kl7 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH NOES! MY PANTS HAV BEAN STOLED!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) Allen Dewitt, the 2004 National Spelling Bee
} champion, was disqualified today when it was discovered that he had
} cheated during the final round. He would not have been discovered had
} he not gone skinny-dipping in the pool at the hotel where he and his
} family were staying during the competition. When Dewitt filed a police
} report claiming that his pants had been stolen, officials became
} suspicious of his actual spelling skills.
}
} "We always wondered how he managed to win all the time," said his
} mother, Margaret Dewitt of Akron, Ohio. "But he said as long as he wore
} his lucky pants, he would keep winning. And he did. At home his
} spelling was atroshus... attrocius... um, awful."
}
} After a brief investigation, includng an interview with Allen, National
} Spelling Bee officials stripped him of his title and awarded it to
} Jeremy Cox of Nashville, Tennessee. Cox had been the first runner-up.
}
} "This is completely unexpected," said Cox on learning that he was the
} new champion. "But I kinda feel bad for Allen, and hope he finds his
} pants soon. That's gotta be embarrassing, running around Washington
} with no pants."
}
} The White House had no comment.


1354-03    (98bl5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who knows truly everything about space,
>
> Is Pluto a planet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Mr Annan, ladies and gentlemen, I have come before you today as a
} representative of the United States to present proof, positive proof,
} that the object we know as "Pluto" is, in fact, a weapons depository
} for the rogue nation of Iran, and to demand that you support US forces
} in our attempt to bring democracy to that country by bombing the shit
} out of everything but their oil fields.
}
} "Where are you going?  Come back - I haven't finished giving my
} presentation yet!
}
} "Hell.  I told Dick they'd never buy it."


1354-04    (2fid6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, my name is Charles Lignon Marmituous, and I come from
> a slightly different reality, one where Ignatius Donnelly
> (among others) did not exist.  What I need, O Impressive One,
> is an explanation of the Bible, especially the Book of
> Laminations.  Am I in the right reality for that question?
> I understand that you are so extra-specially Omniscient that
> you can help me regardless.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I am. I'm present in all realities. Not that I want to be
} present in some of them... *shudder*
}
} Zadoc will now read from Laminations, Chapter Three, verses one through
} six
}
} And the Lords Of The Universe spake, saying let there be clear plastic
} to surround these sheets. And Polymatrix took the gift of the Lords and
} saw that it was useful. But, he grew unsatisfied with the mass of
} plastic, and took it back to the temple of the Lords, saying "Oh Lords,
} thou hast granted me this amorphous lump of plastic... what am I
} supposed to do with it now"
}
} And the Lords did squish Polymatrix to a pulp, and gave the plastic to
} his son, Styrene, and onto him they gave a heating lamp. And Styrene
} did melt the plastic and coat the sheets with it, and the Lords saw the
} protected sheets, and it was good.
}
} The people of the town then stoned Styrene to death, for laminating all
} their toilet paper. And the Lords did laugh
}
} Here endeth the lesson
}
} You owe the Oracle a roll of triple-ply extra soft


1354-05    (8jcc3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> axe me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} * A nice fast techno music starts playing *
} * The Oracle dons Kung-Fu suit *
} * The Oracle dons hyper cool shades *
} * The Oracle performs a series of amazing katas *
} * The Oracle expands its chi *
} * The Oracle calmly faces the supplicant *
} * The Oracle throws a fax at the supplicant *
} * The fax throws shurikens made of tax forms at the supplicant*
} * The Oracle throws a sax at the supplicant *
} * A gigantic motor axle falls and turns the supplicant to red pulp *
}
} Ha! Didn't expecta that, did ya?
}
} You owe the Oracla the "Living with Dyslexia" audio book serires.
} And a playndrome.


1354-06    (3glc2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think I've come to realize that the shortest email is the most
> effective in making one's point.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   From one point of view, it is, indeed, true. I could answer your
} question with a simple "Yop." and that would surely make you understand
} that I, in general, agree with you. Moreover, short electronic messages
} make it clear that you're a man of business, not chit-chat, and that
} you have lots of things to do; one-liner simply says that you don't
} have any time to spend writing email messages. People writing long
} emails don't value their time.
}   Consider, for example, a simple message like "ZOT!". It's short, it's
} practical, it makes point and you don't have to waste time delicately
} answering somebody's question.
}   Working as an Internet Oracle I learned a lot about email messages. I
} got short questions, long questions, smart questions, funny questions,
} rude questions, even questions that aren't questions at all (e.g. they
} don't have any '?'s). And I'll tell you one thing: short questions are
} better for sure.
}   Short question needs a short answer (consider T. of Ferma) and that's
} good for my health as an Oracle's incarnation.
}
}   I think you've got your answer by reading to this point.
}
} You owe Oracle a text-compressor.


1354-07    (7dhe3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, whose infinite greatness is so awe-inspiring
> as to cause cranial implosions in small mammals.  You have a very
> nice operation going on here, lots of supplicants, a good supply
> of offerings, plent of priests, it'd be a shame if something were
> to, you know, happen.  What, you ask? Well, offerings get "lost",
> priests get convicted, supplicants catch fire, things happen, but me
> and my associate here are offering you a special offer on "insurance"
> to insure that nothing nasty happens to anything around here, if you
> catch my drift.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right.  Supplicants catch fire.  If you run fast enough, you might
} get away from the flames eating up your pants.
}
} Hah!  A self-immolating one.  Didn't even need the ZOT.


1354-08    (chk50 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise Oracle, who is mo--- HEY! Am I the only person actually awake
> here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Marines may be semper fidelis.  For me, it's nunquam dormio.


1354-09    (4cjg3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise 0racle most exuberant and well-scrubbed,
>
> Why did his plane keep hitting the water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because his other woodworking tools were securely stowed inside the
} ark. Noah was usually pretty careful with his tools, but after dropping
} his plane on the elephant deck, he wasn't too worried about saving it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a coupon for 25% off all Craftsman tools at the
} Sears store in Gomorrah.


1354-10    (cnc43 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Succinct Oracle, you that can solve most problems before they
> occur, Wonder of the Internet and star player for the Immortals'
> Softball team,
>
> Who eliminated the middle man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think it was Tinker who first threw directly to Chance, thereby
} eliminating Evers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to Coopersville.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org