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Internet Oracularities #1355

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1355, 1355-01, 1355-02, 1355-03, 1355-04, 1355-05, 1355-06, 1355-07, 1355-08, 1355-09, 1355-10


Internet Oracularities #1355    (51 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 11:52:33 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1355
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1355  51 votes aahb3 5fjb1 4bgd7 6ibe2 28fh9 48h8e 04hka 7aja5 26ggb 87m86
1355  3.1 mean  2.7   2.8   3.2   2.8   3.5   3.4   3.7   2.9   3.5   2.9


1355-01    (aahb3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh glorius Oracle, who's foot odor I am not worthy to quaff, and who's
> eyebrows are most supremely shapen,
>
> I humbly ask, which is the wiser choice - A slow moving relationship
> with a new, young, and attractive person or a revival of an old flame
> with lots of chemistry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, it's WHOSE foot odor and WHOSE eyebrows.  If you're
} going to woo anyone at all you'd better get your grammar up to speed.
} Nobody likes an unsyntactic Sally.  Second, you can't quaff foot
} odor, you can only quaff liquids.  Haven't you ever (q)uaffed a
} potion?  Proper diction is important -- it's one of the first things
} I look for in a mate.
}
} Now, as for your question -- you seem to have some punctuation
} difficulties.  If you want to use a dash, you should represent it
} with a double hyphen ("--"; the spaces on either end are optional).
} The word that follows it need not be capitalized.  I hope I've helped
} you come to a wise decision.


1355-02    (5fjb1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who can cure every disease imaginable and unimaginable,
> Is the internet a disease?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's all a matter of perspective really. Exactly how dangerous to
} the human nervous and biological system is the internet? Answer these
} questions:
} 1) Does extended use of the internet cause any abnormal symptoms? (i.e.
}    blurry or sore eyes, painful joint movements, distressing dietary
}    requirements such as pizza, buzz cola and nachos, etc.)
} 2) Does using the internet leave you feeling like you need a couple
}    of days rest? Similarly, would you be willing to skip work for
}    the internet?
} 3) Do women secretly adore using the internet, yet stating that they
}    'Never once complain as much as you do, God, you're always moaning,
}    the slightest download and you crawl to your room not to be seen for
}    hours, I knew I should have listened to my mother!', whereas men just
}    appreciate the internet when they have it, and do all they can to
}    reap whatever benefits are available.
} 4) Are there internet sites out there that are surely meant for animals,
}    yet somehow you always end up hearing about human's catching them,
}    and are always slightly scared about coming across one?
} 5) Has using the internet ever ended up with you being held in a
}    municipal building (hospital, fire station, police station), lying in
}    a daze, wondering where everything went wrong, and the head of the
}    department is standing over you telling you to stay away from
}    children and the elderly?
}
} Answering 4 or more 'yes's to these questions means that unfortunately,
} you have suffered form an internet attack, and should stay away from
} computer components for a period of about 3 weeks.  From the computer's
} perspective however, these problems do not apply. To the computer a far
} greater menace is feared. The internet in this case acts as a faith
} healer, lending support and comfort in return for its attention and
} devotion, much in the style of the TV evangelist.
}
} You owe the Oracle a syringe full of Windows(TM) antidote.


1355-03    (4bgd7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a cold, grey and windy afternoon at the Oracular Temple. The
} Oracle sits at his throne, cold, aloof and forbidding. Zadoc enters,
} crawling on his wretched knees, and deposites the latest bunch of
} e-mails at the Oracle's feet, muttering and mumbling supplicative
} words.... which are ignored.
}
} He reads through the e-mails, speaking the answers out loud... "Forty
} Two"... "No, use bleach"... "That's not a budgie, it's a parrot"...
} before stopping and gazing at the latest one in horror.
}
} All the other e-mails fall to the floor, as he strides out of the door,
} grabbing the Staff of Zot, the Robes of Wisdom, and the Cheeseburger of
} Immediate Hunger Satisfaction from their resting places.
}
} "Zadoc! Get thine backside in here NOW!"
}
} "Yes, oh he whose every molecule vibrates with knowledge and wisdom?"
}
} "Stop toadying and warm up the Anti-Woodchuck Shields, immediately!"
}
} "My Lord! You don't mean..."
}
} "Yes, Zadoc. Someone has just asked a question based on the
} Question-That-Shall-Not-Be-Spoken-Or-Asked-Or-Mentioned-In-Any-Way"
}
} Zadoc promptly turns white, screams in terror, runs in circles for a
} minute, but dutifully turns on the Shields, the defenses, and the
} Oracular Intercom.
}
} "All Priests, All Priests. We have a Level Three Emergency, Code 5, I
} repeat, Level three, code 5. Close all entrances, and raise every
} anti-woodchuck defense we have!"
}
} There is a terrible silence, before the shaking begins... words
} battering against the shields, shaking dust from the walls, terrible,
} terrible words that are only one step away from the Dreaded Question
}
} "HOW MUCH GROUND WOULD A GROUNDHOG HOG IF A GROUNDHOG COULD HOG
} GROUND?"
}
} The assault ends... and there is another terrible silence.
}
} The Oracle stands up, shakes the dust from his hair, and returns to his
} throne, throwing a curt command out as he leaves
}
} "Stand down, Zadoc"
}
} A few minutes later, an e-mail wings its way to the supplicant,
} containing every single piece of information about groundhogs hogging
} ground, groundhogs in general, in fact so much information that the
} supplicant will never need to ask about groundhogs again... A sigh of
} relief escapes the Esteemed Lips... and he picks up the next e-mail...
}
} "How much work could a network work if a network could net work?"
}
} "Oh no. Not again..."
}
} You owe the Oracle some Woodchuck Mark XIV shields, some anti
} pun-lasers, a joke-proof vest and a nuclear warhead.


1355-04    (6ibe2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, where are they?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oooh, I'm glad you phrased it that way.  I'd been thinking about it
} for a while, and thought you had asked "Where are they now?"  I'm
} glad you didn't (or at least you should be glad you didn't) because
} then the VH1 copyright lawyers would get involved, and you'd have to
} appear on an upcoming episode of "I Love The 1870's".
}
} I have been anticipating your question for quite some time.  I knew
} this day would come, and I knew it would be soon.  Or later.  Or
} possibly not for a long time, but I did know.  That is why I had VH1
} purchased for you, and had them produce that show for you.  Of
} course, when I told them what to do, they naturally wanted to make it
} "more hip" "for the young people" and so they completely re-wrote the
} entire series.
}
} It was originally supposed to be "So, where are they?".  It was going
} to consist of one episode in which I answered the question for you,
} and you were satisfied with my repsonse.  VH1 said this would not
} work.  *Apparently* noone over there has the ability to peer into the
} future like I told them too and video tape the question and answer so
} I could just tell you "Go turn on the TV right now, on channel 59 on
} Cox Cable in central Rhode Island to receive my wisdom."  Sheesh, you
} humans are so limited...
}
} Instead, they re-wrote the script, hired a bunch of actors, and made
} it about celebrities who have apparently dissappeared from the public
} eye.  This has nothing at all to do with your question.
}
} However, I can answer a question only once.  I filmed the answer to
} it in Dolby Digital Surround in a wide-screen format.  I submitted to
} them my response.  The director cut out all of the useful
} information.  It won't even make it onto the DVD.
}
} Sadly, I must inform you that I can not tell you "OK, where are
} they?", only "Where are they now?"  Copyright issues.
}
} I'd get in big trouble.
} ....
}
} *cough cough*
} (in the underwear drawer behind that ratty pair of socks that's been
} in there since '76, but you didn't hear that from me... ;)


1355-05    (28fh9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle dude, I just found this picture of you by searching for
> "Internet Oracle naked" on the Internet. What were you thinking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The point of that picture is not for you to figure out what *I* was
} thinking, but for you to analyze what it makes *YOU* think of.
}
} Hopefully, it makes you think, "why the hell did I type _that_ into a
} search engine?"
}
} You owe the Oracle his dignity.


1355-06    (48h8e dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I get another cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Need I remind you what you did with the last one, Professor
} Schrodinger?


1355-07    (04hka dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, most PC entity in a MAC-beseiged world, please deem to
> answer this humble supplicant's inquiry:
>
> Are you a Republican or a Democrat?  Or an Independent?  An innocent
> bystander?  Or are you simply above our petty political system?
>
> Hmmm...guess that's four questions...but anyway...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't much matter, really, inasmuch as our Founding Fathers lacked
} the foresight to grant suffrage to electronic abstractions.  Which
} isn't to say that I've never voted -- back in the day in Chicago, I
} used to vote two, three dozen times, just for the sheer pleasure of it
} -- but my more recent visits to the polls have gone more like this:
}
} Official:  Name?
}
} Oracle:  The Internet Oracle.
}
} Official:  Let's see ... nothing listed here.  That's with an O?
}
} Oracle:  Yes.
}
} Official:  What was the first name again?
}
} Oracle:  The.
}
} Official:  Hmm.  Any other names you might be listed under?
}
} Oracle:  Oracle, comma, The Internet?
}
} Official:  Uh ... nope.
}
} Oracle:  The Usenet Oracle?
}
} Official:  No.
}
} Oracle:  Almighty and Omniscient Master of All Knowledge, Great Seer of
} the Cosmos?
}
} Official:  Do you have some ID?
}
} Oracle:  Sure, here you go.
}
} Official:  This is a piece of cardboard cut from a cereal box, with the
} word "Oracle" and a smiley face drawn in crayon.
}
} Oracle:  Yes.
}
} Official:  Don't suppose you have anything like a driver's license?
}
} Oracle:  Well, I went to the DMV, but they proved to have very
} short-sighted views about issuing government documents to officially
} fictional beings.
}
} Official:  Next!
}
} However, dear supplicant, rest assured that if Diebold does ever get
} these electronic voting machines put into use in an actual election, I
} will be more than making up for lost time.
}
} 'Course, I do already know what the outcome of November's election will
} be, as well as what other events will transpire in the next four years,
} in particular in February 2006.
}
} You owe the Oracle foreign citizenship before the end of 2005.  Oh, and
} a driver's license.


1355-08    (7aja5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi i'm a chipmonk and i have a problem!!! *sob* all my nuts are gone!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Chip,
}
} I told you they'd castrate you if you went to that monastery.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Unix joke.


1355-09    (26ggb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, I'm not going to ask about Lisa, how I can get her into bed or
> anything of the like, but I do need to ask her a question. *ahem*
> privately!
>
> Lisa, who is so pretty your eyes shine like jade in the sunlight,
> please answer my query:
> I know you are taken, but have you any sisters? or cousins? or, perhaps
> have you made any demigods? if so, could you tell me about the
> available ones, and how to contact them?
>
> And this is a question for Lisa, so she chooses my tribute.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, people ask me all the time about getting into my bed, so much I'm
} considering renting it out -- it's not like I sleep there anymore since
} Orrie got the King-sized... um.  Well, I suppose my stuffed animals
} might take offense.
}
} I *do* happen to know of a darling goddess who could use a little
} attention.  She's an exotic beauty, very talented, and loves to dance.
} Lately she's been listless and getting into that icky Goth fashion,
} wearing skulls and black makeup, but if you could cheer her up and show
} her a good time that would be great!
}
} Actually, I've set Kali up on blind dates before, and I haven't heard
} back from any boys about how the date was.  Oh well, no news is good
} news, and I'm sure you two would get along just ginchy!
}
} Lots of kisses,
}   Lisa!


1355-10    (87m86 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As usual, I received your answer.
> As usual, it was not what I expected.
> As usual, it was just what I deserved.
> As usual, I have no idea what you were telling me.
> As usual, I'm asking you to explain it, something
> you never seem to be able to do.
>
> As usual, I say I'm grovelling, even though something
> always seems to get lost in the ranstlation.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have reached the Oracle 2.0.  This new, improved, fully automated
} system is capable of anwering any question your puny mortal brain can
} conceive of.
}
} Please Hold.
} [...]
}
} We thank you for your patience.
} [...]
}
} All stations are currently being used.  Please continue to hold, and a
} memory chip will be assigned to you.
} [...]
}
} We appreciate our customers, and do our best to uphold our tradition of
} fine service.
} [...]
}
} You have been waiting for..3...hours...  A chip will be assigned to you
} as they become available.
} [...]
}
} Hello, this is..Bob.. How can I help you?
}
} I'll have to talk to my manager.  Please Hold.
} [...]
}
} Hello, this is..Fred.. How can I help you?
}
} Service is no longer available for that question.
} We thank you for your time and are glad to have been of service.
} Please continue to shop at Oracle.


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