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Internet Oracularities #1356

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Internet Oracularities #1356    (53 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 22:46:44 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1356
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1356  53 votes 56lj2 1dgi5 5dhe4 4gec7 17fka 05cqa 3fma3 657kf 49fdc deea2
1356  3.2 mean  3.1   3.2   3.0   3.0   3.6   3.8   2.9   3.6   3.4   2.5


1356-01    (56lj2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most historical and hysterical,
>
> What fads and pop culture events are going to be featured on the next
> episode of VH-1's "I Love The 1870's"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} - The medical benefits of corsets
} - This ridiculous new 'steam engine' invention
} - The 'man with no hat in public' scandal
} - More evidence of the veracity of phrenology
} - The lies and misdeeds of the war in India
} - Shocking and indecent lyrics in Schopenhauer's latest - including the
}   word 'beaudoir'
} - The year's funniest executions


1356-02    (1dgi5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                    look , i think i am
> becoming a neurotic  and i do not really want to have
> any psychopharmalogical impairments for the rest of my
> life . i tried drowning myself in computers , didn't
> work . then i decided to commit suicide by eating and
> eating and and eating . the result was one week in the
> hospital . then i tried falling in love . but i was
> already so fat and thick due to my newly acquired
> eating habits that i was marked by a phenomenal
> failure .
>          what do i do ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You cook the french fries at a McDonalds across town.
}
} But despite your mundane testing of My omniscience, I sense,
} from the lengthy paragraph that precedes your question, that
} you would like for someone to make sense of your life for
} you.  I recommend you acquire a copy of "Sanity for Dummies",
} written by, well modesty prevents Me from mentioning His name
} but I think you'll consider the Author *very* trustworthy, as
} well as eminently sane (all commitment procedings have ended
} in acquittal or deadlocked juries) and therefore an expert.
}
} "Sanity for Dummies"
} Table Of Contents:
}
} Introduction: Sanity, One Trick Pony or Alternate Lifestyle?
} Chapter 1: Dare to be Sane
} Chapter 2: The Princples of Going Sane
} Chapter 3: The Real Princples of Going Sane
} Chapter 4: No Seriously, Here's How You Do It
} Chapter 5: But What If That Doesn't Work?
} Chapter 6: In That Case, Try This.
} Chapter 7: Nope, Sorry, Nothing.
} Chapter 8: Really?  Try It Again.  Maybe Try It In Reverse Order.
} Chapter 9: I Told You, it iSn'T wOrKiNg!!!
} Chapter 10: You Used an Ermine, Not a Stoat, Right?  That's a Common
}             Mistake.
} Chapter 11: iM dRoWnInG nI cOmPuTeRs aNd pSyChOpHaRmAlOgIcAl
}             iMpAiRmEnTs!
} Chapter 12: What Did You Really Expect, You Unlovable Fat Slob?
} Chapter 13: Why, you stupid toad! I ought to beat your brain out!
} Chapter 14: No! Put Down That Pickle!
} Afterword: Sanity, Not All It's Cracked Up To Be
} Epilogue: Cracked Up, Get It?  Hahahaha, I Slay Me.
} Index
}
} As you can see, it covers all the bases, and I'm sure you'll
} be better in no time.  Try losing a little weight, too.
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed copy of Ronald McDonald's autobiography.


1356-03    (5dhe4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I am a supplicant who crawls the ground, hoping
> for something worthwhile I can do.  You are the exhalted
> Oracle, swooping through the intellectual sky, warning
> supplicants who sway too close to asking about marmots.
>
> Your recent answer was incrudibly ungrammatical, as if
> it had been composed by a supplicant instead of your esteamed
> oracular self.  "Thou hath???"  You already know that it's
> "Thou hast."  And on and on with pompous-sounding trivialities
> and blunders.
>
> What on earth were you trying to accomplish?  The point, whatever
> it was, was lost on me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It wath a tetht.
} By notithing the mithtake, you patht the tetht.


1356-04    (4gec7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Condoleezza, Condoleezza, men have named you,
> You're so like the lady with the mystic smile.
> Is it only 'cause al Qaeda foes have flamed you?
> For you know the plan is next to bomb the Nile.
>
> Does this have any chance on top-40 radio?
>
> Nathaniel Adams

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's silly, pointless, and doesn't make sense.
}
} Stands as good a chance as anything.


1356-05    (17fka dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most foreseeing Oracle, please tell me:
>
> If I use Google's new GMail service, will my privacy be at risk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course not, mister Harrison Lemuel Shlabotnick of 741 Oak Drive,
} Conniption, New Jersey, phone 609-555-8386, SSN# 803-25-0622, Chase
} Manhattan account number 999-00-77419, married to Helga nee Svenborg
} on August 20, 1987, two children, one cat, mortgage of $241,063
} remaining on your house.  Why ever would you even think to ask?
}
} You owe the Oracle a revised version of Orwell's 1984, with "Big
} Brother" edited to read "Free Enterprise".


1356-06    (05cqa dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (adj) Oracle, who's (adj) (noun) and (adj) (physical characteristic)
> are (a dj) than any (noun) in (time period), I (verb) myself before you
>  for knowledg e.
>
> Will I really go blind if I keep doing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid so.  "Polis ing the bishop" cr ates microscopic holes in
}  your etina, whi h manifest t emselves as inte mittent gaps in your
}  field of
} v sion.  Fortun tely, you don't notic  these in ordin ry life, as the
} br in fills in the holes,  ut they become ver  obvious when  ou attempt
} to read t xt.
}
} You owe the  racle nothin .  I really don't  ant to have to shak  hands
} wi h you.


1356-07    (3fma3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> I can answer any question.  Go ahead, just ask me anything.
>
> For instance, "Why question authority?".  Or, "Would I ask
> you a rhetorical question?".  Oh, "To vacillate or not to
> vacillate, that is the question .... or is it?".  Maybe even,
> "As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question
> is wrong?"  Yeah.  A question about questions.  Can you ask
> me something like one of those?
>
> (P.S.  To save you and me both some time, I'll tell you in
> advance my answer to your question: "I don't know."  That's
> a good answer to any question.  Mark Twain said so; QED.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle - "Zadoc!  ZADOC!"
}
} (enter Zadoc, prostrating himself and grovelling)
}
} Zadoc - "Yes, liege and ever-benign master?"
}
} O - "Look at this garbage!  It seems like there's more of them every
} day!"
}
} Z - "Master, I'm sorry, but we haven't the power or resources to cause
} an end to the garbage strike.  The union demands are just too great for
} our budget to.."
}
} O - "NO, you imbecile!  These questions!  These SUPPLICANTS!  It seems
} like for every bag of honest, straightforward, properly grovelled
} questions you bring me, I get another two bags of supplicants who think
} THEY'RE the omniscients being!"
}
} Z - "I.. I'm sorry, master, that I haven't done as bang-up of a job on
} filtering as I should.  I'll retire myself to your discipline chambers
} and scourge myself immediately.."
}
} O - "No, Zadoc!  That can wait until after lunch.  We need to take care
} of these supplanting supplicants immediately.  I'm sure you know what
} to do."
}
} Z - "Well, I know you wanted the turkey and swiss on rye, but I don't
} think we have the kitchen stocked enough to feed the troublemakers too,
} sir."
}
} O - "Feed the..?  You.. NO, ZADOC!  I want you to fetch me my Staff of
} Zot and the Enchanted Distilling Equipment!  I know EXACTLY what will
} set these uppity supplicants right!"
}
} Z - "But, the turkey and swiss on rye is still a go, master?"
}
} O - "Yes, I think that would be.. NO, YOU FOOL!  THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT
} THAN YOUR THRICE-DAMNED DELICATISSANRY!"
}
} Z - "If you say so, sir, but I really think you're missing out this
} time.  I got the rye from that new Great Harvest that opened up on
} 3rd."
}
} O - "Great Harvest, you say?  Well, that does sound.. GAH!  No, Zadoc,
} I'm sure this can wait!  We'll handle the supplicants, then go for
} lunch."
}
} Z - "Aye, Master!"
}
} (Zadoc runs to fetch the Enchanted Distilling Equipment, recently
} "borrowed" from the Guinness Brewery, and the infamous Staff of Zot)
}
} Z - "Here it is, master!  And black as a pint, it is!"
}
} O - "Excellent, Zadoc!  Now, I shall take the Staff, and route a Class
} 3 ZOT through the distillery, and.."
}
} (hours pass)
}
} O - "It is done!  A pint worth of bitterness in every reply to
} smart-alecky upstart supplicants who dare to question me with questions
} of questioning!"
}
} Z - "..I don't understand, master."
}
} O - "Precisely!  Now, a triumphant return!"
}
} Z - "And lunch?"
}
} O - "Especially lunch!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a 6" meatball sub and a pint of the black stuff.


1356-08    (657kf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most perspicuous Oracle,
> whose nose-hairs I am not worthy to comb,
>
> Is it really you, or has the work been out-sourced to India?
> (... which almost sounds like "Indiana" anyway)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good noon to you, my name is called "Chewing Tim" and I will am your
} Omniscient Oracle for this letter.  You are asking about out-sourced to
} India.  Ha. Ha, silly suppercat.  Please be checking your frequently
} asked FAQ and you will be seeing there is no problem.  All parts of
} Internet product Oracle are certifiable, 100% of Delphi temple but say
} Indiana if suppercat mentions Indiana.   Ah!  Yes, I am saying 100%
} of Indiana, so this is not covered by warranty.  If you have wanting of
} further support, please you will have subscription to premium service.
} Thank you for having with purchase the product, computer your
} Omniscient Oracle.
}
} Please send to Omniscient Oracle "replace this statement in quotes with
} humourous item appropriate to answer sent to suplicant."


1356-09    (49fdc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do I exist?
>
>          god.almighty@heaven.gov

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Up through my teens I had high hopes for you, but at present
} I have to say your outlook for existence isn't so hot.
}
} I'm given to understand that humans are created by you bearing
} Original Sin, which you hate, but which conveniently can be
} washed away by simply believing in your human incarnation,
} making you happy.  Seems like an awfully long way around.
}
} You seem to tell only a small group of people what the truth
} really is, and rely on them to spread the word.  The Amway
} multi-level approach works OK for selling household products
} but seems beneath the methods of an Almighty.
}
} You tell one group of believers to kill another group of your
} believers, on some pretext like not wiping with the proper
} hand or not getting to vote every four years in elections that
} are rigged by big money anyway.  If belief is that important
} to you, one would imagine you to not want to get them killed
} off so readily; and if one group simply misunderstood you,
} why not straighten them out without any middlemen?
}
} Disease and natural disasters and all the various similar
} arguments against your existence continue to cause suffering.
} I don't see much correlation to these things being better
} for those who believe in you.  And penicillin doesn't seem
} to require the patient to believe in it, to work.
}
} You created free will, but then what I hear is that the only
} permissible conclusion one can draw is of your existence.
}
} If you created me, it was with this blasted rational mind, but
} then I'm told I have to put that aside and take you on faith,
} where lack of evidence is itself the proof that you must be
} there.
}
} All in all, you might exist but it's hard to discern any
} value to deciding yes or no.  I'm going to pass on this one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sign, one that doesn't involve a bunch
} of fire and brimstone after it's too late to do anything
} about it.  Please?


1356-10    (deea2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the name of that Orc?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I already told you, what's on second.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pitcher tomorrow.


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