[IO]
Internet Oracle
23 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:28:40 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1357

Goto:
1357, 1357-01, 1357-02, 1357-03, 1357-04, 1357-05, 1357-06, 1357-07, 1357-08, 1357-09, 1357-10


Internet Oracularities #1357    (49 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 2004 22:55:47 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1357
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1357  49 votes 59gg3 3ggc2 7fg74 4djd0 6cdd5 0bel3 169gh 4gj55 2hib1 3ded6
1357  3.0 mean  3.1   2.9   2.7   2.8   3.0   3.3   3.9   2.8   2.8   3.1


1357-01    (59gg3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That's why I told you to not use the blasted thing in the first place.
>
> You owe the Oracle a new Time Machine to fix this mess.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Anachronistic Oracle, who fully regards time-space as illusory..
}
} I have this time machine here for you that I think we can employ to
} reuse a askme/tellme trick I saw in one of the digests!  The only
} thing I'm worried about is what happened to you and the supplicant
} the last time.  Let's see if it works for us!


1357-02    (3ggc2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If one can 'deny', how does one 'ny' in the first place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excellent point, Mr. Chomsky.  I believe you are onto something
} big and (more importantly) publishable - maybe you can finally
} get something into print besides those romance novels you've
} been doing under a nom d'amour all these years to pay the rent,
} "Danielle".  Oops, sorry, touchy touchy, are we?  No offense
} intended.  "Dani."  :) :) :)  (BTW I wish gigolos didn't figure
} so prominently in each and every one of your novels - your
} evident familiarity with that profession kind of creeps me out,
} if you know what I mean.)
}
} Back to your topic.  Notice how defend means practically the same
} thing as fend.  And while defenestration means throwing something
} or someone out the window, you can't throw him back in by fenestration,
} you would only rearrange the windows, or maybe do some surgery on
} him (which come to think of it may be necessary after being thrown
} out of a window).
}
} A decoy is a bit closer to being coy than to being opposite to it.
} And I have no clue at all what corum could mean as some type of
} synonym for chaos or misbehavior.  Your example of "ny" is of
} course the prototype, ripping away the false pretenses of our
} decadent right-wing oligarchy and all that other stuff; kudos
} to you for spotting it.
}
} Thus it proves likely that linguists have been incorrect all these
} years about de- being a Latin root meaning separation or negation.
} Sounds more like the Tagalog prefix meaning "leave me alone
} and put me on your do-not-call list because actually this has
} nothing whatsoever to do with...".  Perhaps there is a Comparative
} Anthropology angle to this too, if it turns out the people in the
} Philippines had telephones hundreds of years ago.  Look into this.
} Though maybe it was just Gilligan style coconuts and strings, in
} which case you're back to square one.
}
} Say, that reminds me of an amusing little anecdote that took place
} just the other day, swear to God.  Little Jimmy was asked by his
} teacher to use all of the words defense, defeat, detail, and
} deduct in a single sentence.  He thought for a moment and then
} said "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."  :) :) :)
} You might wish to pass that one along to your chums at MIT, as I
} suspect they may get a real "hoot" out of it, if I may be excused
} the use of a bit of the vernacular.  Encourage them to say it
} out loud a few times.  :) :) :)  Don't worry, it's not a mean
} trick like the last one I told you, "Owah Tagu Siam", they'll
} like this one, swear to God.  I really do feel bad about hurting
} all your feelings last time, swear to God. :) :) :)
}
} You owe the Oracle a delightful, delicious, and de-lovely song.


1357-03    (7fg74 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most pragmatic and punctual Oracle, who has the Japanese to carrying
> around umbrellas in order to prevent the rain, who has never been late
> to any appointment, even those that you were never told about.  Most
> omniscent Oracle, who can not only tell me what I have in my pocket,
> but where I found it and exactly when it will be thrown into the fires
> of Mount Doom, and who will do such a thing and why.
>
> I am a Comp-Sci major at a local state college.  Just recently I was
> invited to perform in a theatrical play.  I think I would do spendid
> job, seeing that acting and programming require a measure of lying.
>
> Is it a good idea for a programming student to also act in a
> quasi-professional production?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE:       Hmm. Looks like Gollum pulled off another miraculous
} stealth escape. What a talent; pity he had to fall for that "natural
} therapy" bunk and won't take his pills. I keep telling them, but no-one
} listens...
}
} [Orrie rummages around the cupboards, eventually finding his very dusty
} PALANTIR. Giving it a quick buff with his sleeve, he settles into a
} comfy armchair and conjures up GANDALF THE WHITE.]
}
} ORRIE:        OI! GANDALF!
}
} [After a short wait during which distant fumbling noises are heard, a
} very rumpled wizard bearing a marked resemblance to Sir Ian McKellen
} appears in the Palantir.]
}
} GW:   Oh no. Not you again.
}
} ORRIE:        Hmmph. You were glad enough to see my face when the
} Balrog had you cornered. [Squints at Palantir] You haven't been smoking
} that Rivendell Red stuff again, have you? There's good reason it's
} still illegal. Your eyes look worse than Sauron's! A habit like yours,
} it's no wonder he almost got the Ring back.
}
} GW:   It's medicinal! Elrond wrote me a script, I'll have you know. And
} everyone says I did a fine job clearing up that pesky Ring business.
} Poor Frodo's *still* broken up about it. I've had quite a time trying
} to console him.
}
} ORRIE:        I'll bet you have. Don't think your foot-fetish isn't
} common knowledge around here. [Interrupts Gandalf's sputtering to
} continue.] And how many times must I tell you? The One Ring is a state
} of *mind*, not a silly piece of metal one can throw into a furnace and
} be done with! Mount Doom my eye.
}
} GW:   Yes, it wasn't one of your better Incarnations, was it.
}
} ORRIE:        Watch it, G. No connexion between my good self and that
} disembodied force of darkest evil was ever established. And anyway,
} what of it? A little chaos, a little mayhem... Nothing you couldn't
} handle.
}
} [Gandalf muttering: "...Oracle...does what he likes with evidence,
} doesn't he...probably turned Saruman...]
}
} ORRIE:        All right, don't get your staff in a knot. Take a look at
} this.
}
} [Orrie conjures live feed of supplicant--aka GOLLUM--in the Palantir.
} Gollum is scuttling across a nondescript college park in a manner both
} twitchy and lithe, looking pale, sweaty, and slightly aged, but
} blending in well. He's headed for a dark and imposing building with a
} plaque that reads "GATES SCHOOL OF DRAMA"]
}
} GW:   Well, well. You've got to hand it to old Smeagol. Nice to see
} he's faring so well. Now if you'll excuse me, I was just in the middle
} of a good book.
}
} Orrie:        Please. I know all about that life-sized Bomabadil doll
} you've got tucked out of sight. You can't pull one over on The Oracle,
} GG.
}
} GW:   You know, if you're just calling to insult me -- and I'd thank
} you to acknowledge the superhuman effort I've put into maintaining
} these sparklingly, blindlingly WHITE raiments indicating the rank
} I've--
}
} [Orrie cuts Gandalf off by thrusting Gollum's query into the Palantir.
} Gandalf takes a quick glance at it and tosses it aside, unmoved.]
}
} GW:   Acting would suit Smeagol quite well. He's already got the
} confusion between fantasy and reality down pat, though, given his
} appearance these days, he's bound to get stuck in character roles.
} Still, I think it's a better choice than Computing, don't you? All
} those 00000s are bound to excite his Post Traumatic Ring Disorder. And
} anyway, look at his spelling and syntax -- simply atrocious. He'd never
} get his programmes to run.
}
} ORRIE:        That's the point! Gollum is still in thrall to the Ring
} and doesn't realise he's being controlled by the Dark Lord of Mordor.
} That "acting" gig is a behavioural control scheme Sauron's been using
} to keep Gollum under his thumb.
}
} GW:   What??? We destroyed The One Ring! I pissed on Sauron's grave
} just the other day!!!
}
} ORRIE:        Put down that pipe and TRY to focus, G: Ring=Metaphor!
} And didn't you get the memo? Gorthaur faked his death, changed his name
} YET AGAIN, moved to Lower-Earth, forged another Ash nazg durbatuluk
} appropriate to the laws of this Time, and is currently wreaking
} destruction on a scale terrifying to behold. Corruption of innocents,
} enslavement of the weak--
}
} GW:   No imagination, that one, just "gimme gimme gimme power power
} power scorched earth MUAHAHAHAHAH." And no -- I HAVEN'T been checking
} my inbox because I'm supposed to be enjoying my retirement! Saving the
} beings of the Fourth Age from Ultimate Evil wasn't in my contract, as
} you recall.
}
} ORRIE:        Erm... I can offer you much better terms this time,
} Gandalf--
}
} GW:   No! I feel quite responsible for poor Frodo as it is, and with
} that bleached floozy Galadriel pestering him day and night--
}
} ORRIE:        Then I suggest you check your inbox regularly, GG,
} because you just might find a serious administrative problem concerning
} your pension benefits!
}
} [Orrie shuts down Palantir; heaves a deep sigh; opens a new
} connection.]
}
} ORRIE: Hello, Linus? You know, Lisa's awfully concerned about Steve
} these days. Apparently that business with Bill has him convinced he's
} fresh young thing with a new future ahead of him... Lisa talks about
} you all the time, you know...
}
} You owe the Oracle 3.17... cases of visine.


1357-04    (4djd0 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "T. Gies" <tgies@cox.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I train my back and shoulder muscles to become really strong
> and wide back looking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop shaving your back.  The extra weight will build up your
} muscles in no time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Charles Atlas course.


1357-05    (6cdd5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose knowledge is beyond compare...
>
> Have I ever been the victim of a practical joke without my knowledge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What else would you call The Internet Oracle?
}
} You owe the Oracle a snipe.


1357-06    (0bel3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle please deign to help me, your unworthy and humble
> supplicant!  I just looked at the "born on" date on my beer and it says
> tomorrow!  Is this some kind of joke, or are the people at Budweiser
> at it again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What you purchased may have been a mis-labeled sample of their
} new product, TachyonBrau.  Tastes Great, More Paradoxical!
}
} After you drank it, did you feel the strange phenomenon of running
} faster and faster, the tireder you got?  Did you find that causality
} suddenly stopped being enforced, for instance the lack of weapons of
} mass destruction found in Iraq being held as proof that somebody's
} obviously hiding something?  Did your vacuum cleaner suddenly become
} unstable?  Did you start receiving subspace messages from Starfleet
} Academy, or perhaps make the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs?
}
} If so, then don't worry, the symptoms should mostly have disappeared
} by around the next time you went to the bathroom.  It works like
} regular beer in that respect, except for some lingering problems
} with causality that the brewmeister hasn't quite worked out yet.
} Perhaps he has been using gluons that weren't completely dry, as
} a cheaper substitute.
}
} You owe the Oracle a young lady named Bright.


1357-07    (169gh dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty meliflous melodious oracle,
> whose ASCII tumbles from on high
> illuminating the dark corners of out culture,
> tell me, your humble impecable implorer,
> Is genetically engineering a venus fly trap
> and sequoia tree hybrid dangerous ?
> Could its' bark would be as dangerous as its bite ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As a child I once crossed a bridge with my bicycle and, while
} I didn't find the offspring to be useful for running my paper
} route, the experience made a lasting impression and I attempted
} similar experiments periodically for many years, rarely with
} much success.
}
} At my first summer job I crossed a picket line with a co-worker,
} and then crossed paths with a union boss, but I was a bit lucky
} and nothing resulted except an ugly photo on the front page of
} the newspaper.  Similarly unsuccessful, I tried crossing a lake
} with a canoe and wound up only with soaking wet clothes and a
} lost wallet.
}
} My most satisfying result was when I crossed a mountain range
} with my college girlfriend - very impressive peaks.  Unfortunately,
} I later crossed a line with her, and all I had to show for it
} was a slap on the cheek.
}
} I had one other major success: CBS thanked me when I crossed a
} gorilla with a computer and created Harry Reasoner.
}
} But yes, as you have surmised, manipulating genes at random can
} be very dangerous.
}
} During the war I crossed a minefield with a Jeep, and created
} the Ford Pinto which as you know turned out to explode every few
} miles.  I later tried crossing the desert with only a bottle of
} gin, and I luckily not only survived but wound up inventing the
} very dry martini.
}
} But that was wartime, where you take risks.  Crossing a railroad
} track with a school bus, or crossing a red light with a baby
} stroller, are hybrids I have heard of others trying but sound
} potentially lethal and I am reluctant to experiment with them
} myself.
}
} I once crossed a parrot with a lion, and I don't know what I got
} but when it talked you better believe I listened.
}
} On the practical side, crossing a potato with a sponge has created
} mashed potatoes that hold gallons of gravy.  And crossing a chicken
} with a banjo has resulted in poultry that plucks itself.  But I
} have crossed the road with that chicken many times and I only get
} to the other side.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hootenanny.


1357-08    (4gj55 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *hic*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These may be caused by misconfigured routers or workstations. Often,
} however, your service provider may simply be performing routine network
} maintenance. There is no reason to be concerned unless these glitches
} recur on a regular basis.
}
} You owe The Oracle $500 in consulting fees.


1357-09    (2hib1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> diggidy dank!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know, supplicant, I can't believe it either.  First
} it's Prince.  Then it's the "Artist Formerly Known As
} Prince". Then it's that weird symbol thing that even
} *I* cannot pronounce.  Now it's Diggidy Dank!  It's
} all just a failed attempt to make his long-awaited (by
} him) comeback by using Snoop Dogg's name recognition.
} This is the same theory behing running for president
} under your father's name.  Sure, it works at first,
} but the people catch on eventually.  After Diggidy
} Dank, he'll move on to trying "The Artist Formerly
} Known As Diggidy Dank," then "The Best Singer Ever,"
} then "The Artist Formerly Known As Best Singer Ever,"
} then "The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly
} Known As The Best Singer Ever," etc.  After several
} years of this, his name will be so long that just
} giving him a mention will eat up a full 6 hour awards
} show (just for an example, of course... I would hate
} to give you the impression he'll actually be nominated
} for an award).  After which, he will *FINALLY* find the
} name that will make him rich: "If You Buy My CD You
} Get A Free Beer."
}
} You owe the Omnipotent Being Formerly Known As The
} Oracle an unpronounceable symbol.


1357-10    (3ded6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> i had sex!
> :)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite nice, ungroveling worm. I see you've made good use of my previous
} answer with the two-steps guide to develop a healthy sex life from
} zero. Congratulatations.
}
} Just for being a good kid, I'll let you go unzotted this time. But
} remember, don't linger too much in step one. Now have courage, and make
} haste to step two:
}
} "Substitute vegetables with a real partner, and repeat"
}
} Go on, don't fear, a life of wonderful pleasures and happiness awaits
} you, ignore the hardships of rejections and don't dismay.
} Go, my little supplicant, go and make history...
}
} Enough, who am I kidding. Being omniscient ans stuff I foresee you'll
} never pass from step one, so don't feel bad, it's not your fault, it's
} "destiny". Ha ha ha.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing, you amused me already too much.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org