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Internet Oracularities #1358

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Internet Oracularities #1358    (52 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 01 May 2004 12:22:17 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1358
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1358  52 votes 04ihd 4ie88 18fn5 3ng82 5bjc5 1iie1 8aic4 1cji2 33gka 54ckb
1358  3.2 mean  3.8   3.0   3.4   2.7   3.0   2.9   2.9   3.2   3.6   3.5


1358-01    (04ihd dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do no animals have wheels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This harkens back to the days of my internship with the Supreme Diety
} (SD for short).  We were in the Genetics of Creation wing of SD's
} heavenly compound...
}
} Me: You know, it's going to take man a good millenia or two to come up
} the wheel concept on his own -- especially once he's distracted by the
} creation of woman.  Perhaps we could give him a nudge in the right
} direction by equipping some lesser creatures with wheels as a
} guideline.
}
} SD: It would speed the evolutionary track along a bit... what did you
} have in mind?
}
} Me: Well, boss, the rabbit should be fast to escape its predators,
} right?  So let's take away the hind legs away and replace them with
} wheels.
}
} SD: All right.  But if this screws up, it's coming out of your
} paycheck.  [Creates wheeled rabbit]
}
} Me: Look at it it go... um... slow down, you dumb bunny!...  oooh,
} that's gotta hurt.
}
} SD: I think I'll stick with the original design.
}
} Me: No, wait!  We just need to give it brakes.  That will allow it to
} stop before... well, the mess speaks for itself.
}
} SD: I'll humor you.  But if this doesn't work, the punishment will have
} to be pretty severe.  [Creates wheeled rabbit, with brakes]
}
} Me: And it's off!  Ok, this time it made the corner in one piece... so
} far so good... now, down the hill... and hitting the brakes...  my, but
} they're glowing pretty hot... uh... er... I didn't realize fur was so
} combustible...
}
} SD: Done second guessing me?
}
} Me: Yes, sir.
}
} SD: Good.  As for your punishment... I banish you forthwith to that
} place which will eventually be known as Indiana, while you wait for
} mankind to evolve to the point where they create the internet.  At that
} time, you will be put into perpetual bondage answering inane questions
} day-in, day-out, every day with no vactions or time off.  Your only
} solace will be a small cadre of woefully incompetient assistants.
}
} You owe the Oracle an alternate means of pennance.


1358-02    (4ie88 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you type with those boxing gloves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} vcgbf erdw red yhgu bhng aqzws dexsfr l.p; yghu ./,l


1358-03    (18fn5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Huge and Illustrious Oracle, I bend down and kiss my
> own heels in your honour.  As a mere supplicant I am
> unworthy of even being kicked by you, so I don't risk
> kissing your heels.
>
> What's the best way to San Jose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By plane.
}
} No, that's no good, is it? I can do better than that. Let's see:
}
} Premise: All roads lead to Rome.
}
} Therefore: From every place where there is a road, there is a road
} leading to Rome.
}
} Premise: San Jose, Costa Rica has roads.
}
} Therefore: There is a road leading from San Jose to Rome.
}
} Premise: There is a road in your immediate vicinity.
}
} Therefore: There is a road leading to Rome in your immediate vicinity.
}
} Premise: For every road leading to Rome, that road also leads away
} from Rome.
}
} Therefore: There is a road leading away from Rome to San Jose.
}
} Therefore: There is a road leading from your vicinity to San Jose,
} via Rome.
}
} Therefore: The best way to San Jose is to follow a road till it leads
} to Rome, the follow a road away from Rome to San Jose.
}
} If that fails, go by plane.
}
} You owe the Oracle road maps of Rome and San Jose.


1358-04    (3ng82 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most -
>
> [The ground trembles]
>
> What just happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OG! IF YOU EAT BAKED BEANS ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU INTO A
} FOSSIL!
} Sorry about that.
} You owe the oracle a muffler.


1358-05    (5bjc5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Magnelephant Oracle, I'm about to try grovelling to you again.
> Perhaps you noticed that my last grovel (that was eleventeen
> questions ago) was off about five grovonobbies from your
> expectorated standard. This time I won't fail.  Listen as my
> grovelling airscrews screw the air and my bicycle wheels go
> FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP because of the playing cards that floop
> against the spokes.
>
> So here is my question. I'm a secret agent with an unfriendly
> foreign government. Lately my neighbours have become suspicious.
> I'm afraid they'll steal the secret and then I'll just be an
> ordinary agent. Maybe if I gave them a fake secret they would
> leave me alone.  Do you have any fake secrets I can use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Osteocephalic Sucklipants such as yourself are a royal pain
} in the turbine, with your substandard, subliminal, and subatomic
} grovonobbies within your grovels.  Try riding your elcycib
} backward and see if the POOLF sound isn't a more relaxing way
} to go - certainly better than airscrewing yourself.  Please
} continue improving your grovelling technique and I'm sure you'll
} eventually get the hang of it; at your current rate of progress,
} perhaps around the year the last occupation troops leave Iraq.
}
} Still, your plight summons a bit of sympathy, so I will address
} your concerns.  First, I have to ask you why you picked an
} unfriendly government.  Maybe the pay is good, but is it really
} worth it when you consider the workplace stress you must endure?
} I suggest Palau, a very friendly place with a charming government.
} If you can't handle *that* much friendliness all at once, try
} Finland - a bit aloof and businesslike until you get to know
} them, but hardly unfriendly.
}
} You still have your secret, so to some extent you are merely
} borrowing trouble.  But you are correct to ponder what would
} happen should you lose it.  A mere "agent" alone is very
} volatile, and may combine at random with unpredictable results.
} With moderate luck, you become an agent provacateur, and continue
} with a career path similar to what you have now.  Becoming a
} travel agent would be dull, but safe.  Being a free agent in
} some sports can be lucrative, or can be risky.  But getting
} mixed up with Agent Orange could leave you with permanent
} health problems, no question.
}
} Associating with Agent Smith could leave you so typecast you
} can only get movie roles as elves, while running around with
} Agent Cody Banks would get you laughed right out of Hollywood
} entirely.  I suppose working as Agent J or Agent K wouldn't
} be too bad, if you're not very xenophobic.
}
} With worst luck, you could end up involved with Microsoft Agent,
} a prospect too horrible to contemplate.
}
} If you need some fake secrets to keep your sense of security
} intact, I can hardly do better than suggest a Google search
} of '"top ten" letterman secrets'.  Knock yourself out, Mister
} Drake.
}
} You owe the Oracle the identity of Number One.  Sorry, I'm
} only Number Two.


1358-06    (1iie1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Apples, Blackberries...
> Will there ever be a computer called the Cherry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At Oracle Labs(*):
}
} Today's experiment - Fruit choice and computing ability.
}
} APPLE:  At start of experiment subject outclassed all contenders.  Went
} through a period of time when subject refused to speak to other
} subjects, then turned a shocking shade of pink and embraced other
} subjects with open arms.  Long-lived.
}
} CHERRY:  Subject was small and dull-coloured at first.  After some time
} shrank and started producing only low-quality peripheral shoots.
}
} BANANA:  Subject was brightly coloured and ergonomic in design.  After
} an intervention by the European Union subject straigtened out.  Requires
} regular upgrades to avoid colour degredation.
}
} ORANGE:   Large and unwieldy.  Subject displays an annoying tendancy to
} squirt large quantities of data across networks when simple usage is
} attempted.  Messy.
}
} BLACKBERRY:  Portable, but testing was cut short as sample model broke
} during trials. (Zadoc sat on it and still can't remove the stain from
} his robes).
}
} PLUM:  Similar to blackberry but with a solid core.  Could be hard to
} work with and on occasion displayed a disturbing tendancy to leak data.
}
} PEAR:  Useful for parallel computing.  Model tested used Big Endian
} numerics.
}
} PRICKLY PEAR:  A pear for high security applications.
}
} GRAPE:  Comes in a choice of two colours.  Provison for conversion to
} WINE if desired.
}
} (*) No trademarks were harmed in the making of this answer.


1358-07    (8aic4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello there Mr Oracle, who is the spiffiest of all! I'm trying to set
> the record for the most crawlingly subservient grovel ever submitted by
> a non-priest, your Hyper-linkedness. I'm following the example of my
> one true hero, Zadoc... *moony-eyed sigh*
>
> So here goes...
>
> You are the most wonderful and spectacular being in all of the
> universes of universes, your Omni-brainedness, had a thousand mouths, a
> thousand tongues, a throat of iron and lungs of steel, I could not tell
> your glories - for you, oh Megasalacious one are incomparable to any
> other! You know all, see all, do all! You have the most exquisite taste
> in girlfriends, the greatest good sense of any being in the universe!
> Your garden is always neat and tidy, your daffodils a lovely yellow and
> your herb garden totally legal! I am not worthy to even inhale a single
> molecule of a fifty thousand year old oracular fart, let alone grovel
> in your prescence, for you are as far above me as I am above a
> televangelist. Praise the Oracle, the most splendid of all, for you, oh
> Woodchuck-Zotting one cannot be compared, you know all!
>
> Er... how was that, your Eternal-Sweetness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That was just like a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the ocean.


1358-08    (1cji2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The cake in my pipe is uneven and lumpy.  Should I scrape it out or
> leave it alone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You fool. You're supposed to put the pipe in the cake, not the other
} way around. If you place it carefully in the middle, the guards won't
} notice, so when you send it to cousin Jake, he can take it out, whack a
} guard with it, grab the keys and escape. With you handling his defence,
} it's no wonder he wound up there in the first place.
}
} You owe the Oracle a file on rye.


1358-09    (33gka dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Loud and majestic Oracle,
>
> Please answer my question, which I only utter in complete despair and
> near-hopelessness!  I debase myself before your person in a
> more-than-humble attempt to persuade your greatness...
>
> What does the juice ants leave behind them, that makes other ants
> follow them, smell like?
>
> Thanks in advance!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dunno, never thought about it.  Let's ask one.  Zadoc had
} the Universal Translator out just this morning, trying to
} make sense for me of George Bush's latest press conference;
} I'll just reverse the polarity so I can talk as well as
} listen, and of course crank up the IQ dial by a few points
} to account for the slightly smarter target this time.
}
} Say ... there ... my ... good ... fellow.  How ... are ...
} you ... today?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage must forage must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} Yes ... well ...
}
} (Hm, small talk obviously isn't the way to go with this
} little guy.)
}
} You ... are ... searching ... for ... food?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage yes must forage must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} (Was that a yes?  I think so.)
}
} You ... are ... following ... a ... trail?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage yes must forage must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} By ... scent?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage well duh Einstein must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} (Oooooh, that hurt a little.  Dissed by an ant.  Guess I
} can crank up the IQ meter another couple of notches to
} compensate.  That, or squash him.)
}
} Forgive me.  But what does it smell like?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage me must forage must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} (Oh, he's just coming back to the ant hill, by retracing
} his own steps by scent.)
}
} But when you follow ANOTHER'S trail what does THAT smell like?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage them must forage must forage must forage must forage
} must forage and don't shout must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} (Oops, sensitive hearing, or I have this thing turned up too
} high.)
}
} Sorry but can you describe the scent?  Similar to something
} else perhaps?
}
} "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must
} forage mother must forage must forage must forage must forage
} must forage good must forage must forage must forage must
} forage life itself must forage must forage must forage
} must forage sex must forage must forage must forage must
} forage drugs must forage must forage must forage must forage
} must forage rock'n'roll must forage must forage must forage ..."
}
} OK, thanks.  That's about as close as we're going to be able
} to come, I think.
}
} Well, Supplicant, I'm not sure if that was specific enough
} for you - unless you know what different types of music smell
} like.  Now that he mentions it, I would have said free form
} jazz, where you get the general drift but have to improvise
} a bit on your route back to the hill.
}
} Maybe it's best to just tell you "it's formic acid, kind of
} sharp smelling and pungent, pretty penetrating," and leave
} it at that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a formicary made of Formica.


1358-10    (54ckb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O magnificent Oracle with whipped cream and a cherry on top,
>
> "That's all she wrote."
> But what DID she write?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear pretty-pleased supplicant.
}
} She entered the hallway from the back pantry.  Nobody seemed to notice
} her but me.  There were too many people chatting, too many clinks of
} ice in the glasses, too many young ladies and gentlemen laughing just a
} bit too loud at each others jokes.
}
} She looked over her shoulder as if to see if anyone was watching.  She
} didn't seem to notice that I was looking straight at her.  That's
} actually the story of my life.  I always seem to be invisible,
} especially to the opposite sex.  But I digress.
}
} She took a pen from the telephone table.  I remember that it was one of
} those stylish pens that looked like a plume, but was really a modern
} ball-point pen with a plume decoration.  "What is that piece of kitch
} doing in John's house?", I thought to myself.  "He's certainly wealthy
} enough to afford something classier".
}
} She wrote something brief on a piece of note paper that took from a
} stack by the telephone.  Then she folded the paper in half and put it
} into the skirt pocket of the business suit she was wearing, and entered
} the parlour where the main party was going on.  Glancing around the
} room, she crossed directly to me without looking at me at all.  When
} she arrived just in front of me, she glanced briefly to the left and
} right and then looked right up into my eyes.  I was thoroughly
} entranced.  Her eyes were large and round and inviting.
}
} She allowed herself a small smile.  "You don't remember me, do you?",
} she said softly.
}
} "No, I'm sorry", I blurted out nervously.  "Idiot!", I thought to
} myself, "Very smooth!  'No, I'm sorry' - d'oh!  Certainly you can come
} up with a better line than that".
}
} "We met in this very room.  It was a few years ago.  I looked different
} then.  I've had an epiphany.  Newly reincarnated, you might say."
}
} "I must say that I approve", I flirted, and thought, "Now that's a
} little better.  I just needed to get warmed up.  She caught me off
} guard at first. Seems to be what she intended.  What next?"
}
} "You made a pass at me, that night.  I was rude.  I wanted to
} apologize."
}
} "I, uh, don't know what to say.  Apology accepted, I guess.  Forget it.
} Can I get you a drink?"
}
} "No, I'm sorry, I have to leave in a few moments.", she answered.  I
} wiped away a fake tear and sniffled.  Then she leaned over close to me
} and lifted her lips to my ear.  "I saw you watching me when I came in
} through the pantry", she whispered, "Read this later when you're
} alone".  She took the note she had written and put it gently and slowly
} into my shirt pocket. Then, allowing her lips to brush ever so slightly
} against the edge of my ear, she turned and walked toward the front door
} quickly without looking back.
}
} After watching her go, and recovering my composure, I made my way as
} quickly as I could to the washroom, saying a quick "Hi, how are you" to
} some acquaintences on the way, being careful not to get involved in
} some long-winded conversation.
}
} I closed and locked the door.  I gave myself an encouraging look in the
} mirror and took a deep breath and let it out.  I closed my eyes and
} withdrew the note.  I opened my eyes and read the note.
}
} "ZOT - you're out of your league, baby.  And stop posting in HTML by
} mistake  - Lisa".
}
} Once again the story of this particular incarnation's life.
}
} As consolation, you owe the Oracle one hot fudge sundae, with, well,
} you know.


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