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Internet Oracularities #1359

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1359, 1359-01, 1359-02, 1359-03, 1359-04, 1359-05, 1359-06, 1359-07, 1359-08, 1359-09, 1359-10


Internet Oracularities #1359    (50 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 07:58:39 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1359
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1359  50 votes 18ji4 14jh9 299eg 4bfb9 18pa6 43bie 36gl4 8gf83 5dia4 7gbb5
1359  3.2 mean  3.3   3.6   3.7   3.2   3.2   3.7   3.3   2.6   2.9   2.8


1359-01    (18ji4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Macrocephalic,
>
> "The chief function of the body is to carry the head around."
>   --Albert Einstein
>
> Do you agree or disagree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I agree.
}
} I don't!
}
} Will you shut up, Left Toe!
}
} No! I think the body is more important that that! Liver agrees with me,
} don't you Liver?
}
} Don't drag me into this. Ask Heart, she's the one we all rely on
}
} Well... I think both sides of the argument have to be considered
}
} Oh shut up all of you! I'm the brain, I'm in control!
}
} You weren't in control when Lisa visited last night... I was.
}
} Look, I've told you to shut up especially!
}
} Supplicant, could you come back later - I need to give the toes a stern
} talking to, they've been TOLD not to incite rebellion, and they didn't
} seem to get the message.
}
} You owe the Oracle your pancreas


1359-02    (14jh9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C42E3C.1298AEA4
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII"
>
> Oh all-knowing wonderful Oracle, who has guided me to the light many
> times over the years;  I'm going to a casino boat next Tuesday.  Will I
> be a winner?  Or is there no such thing as winning at gambling?
>
> Got any tips?
>
> Thanks
> Zach [name changed to protect the guilty -ed]
> Dell Inc.
>
> SAVE SPACE.  USE AN ASCII SIGNATURE :)
>
> EEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDEEGGEEDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEDDDDDEDE
> fiiiiiiiiiitfGDEEDDDDDDDEEGj:  ,jGDEDDDDEGiiiiiiDEDDDDDEDiiiiiiDEEGt,Gj
> i             .iLEDDDEEGj,      .iGGGEEDEG      GEDDDDDEG      GEDEf:Ki
> i                iDEDf,      .;fGj:  ,fDEG      GEDDDDDEG      GEDDDDED
> i     :ti,.       ,;       ;fGj,      .iDG      GEDDDDDEG      GEDDDDDD
> i     iEEED,             :ff,      .;fGf,       GEDDDDDEG      GEDDDDDD
> i     iEDDEL.                   .ifGf,.         GEDDDDDEG      GEDDDDDD
> i     iEEED;                   :Lf;             DEEEEEEEG      DEEEEEEE
> i     ,ji,.       ;i.                  .if      :::::::LD      :::::::L
> i                tDEDf;.            .ifDEG             fD             f
> i             :tGEDDDEEDf;.      .;fDEDDEG             fD             f
> fjjjjjjjjjjjfGDEEDDDDDDDEEDf,..;fDEEDDDDEDjjjjjjjjjjjjjGDjjjjjjjjjjjjjG
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C42E3C.1298AEA4
> Content-Type: text/html; charset="US-ASCII"
>
> <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 3.2//EN"><HTML>
> [deleted for brevity -ed]
> </HTML>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You... it... you... the...
}
} *picks up phone and dials*
}
} "Dell Customer Support, how may I help you?" [1]
}
} "Hi, Internet Oracle here, may I speak to Zach?"
}
} "Oh, hi there.  Sure, just a minute.  Do you want to speak to Michael
} while you're waiting?"
}
} "Nah, he's busy right now."
}
} "Oh, well, I guess you'd know.  Anyway, here's Zach.  --  Hi, this is
} Zach!  Who's this?"
}
} "Internet Oracle.  How are you, Zach?"
}
} "Hey, wow!  The real Internet Oracle?"
}
} "Yes, of course."
}
} "Wow, I just sent you a question a little while ago!  And I thought
} you'd respond by mail!"
}
} "Well, Zach, that's what I'd like to talk to you about."
}
} "I can't believe it!  Oh my God!  Am I like the millionth email or
} something?"
}
} "No, Zach.  Zach, listen up.  About that gambling boat."
}
} "Oh yeah!  So, am I going to win?"
}
} "No, Zach, you're going to lose and lose, and lose some more.  It will
} be painful for you, and painful for onlookers.  You're going to bet and
} lose all your money, your wedding ring, your class ring, your
} grandfather's ring you carry around in your wallet, your wallet itself,
} your car keys, and one of your gold fillings.  Then you're going to get
} drunk on Harvey Wallbangers and throw up on the roulette table.  They
} are going to have to put you on a rowboat and row you back to shore to
} have your stomach pumped, but you're going to fall out of the boat and
} nearly drown, buoyed up at the last minute by a rising bubble of sewage
} gas which wil propel you back onto the boat as it pops, accompanied by
} a few pounds of raw sewage.  When you all get back to shore the doctor
} won't be able to find his tubes, and while he tries to find them you're
} going to vomit and vomit until there is nothing left inside your body
} that isn't bolted down.  And Zach?"
}
} "... Wuh?"
}
} "That's just the beginning."
}
} "Um, Oracle, this is really about the ASCII signature and the MIME
} attachment, isn't it?"
}
} "Ah, smart boy.  I've never seen that many non-breaking spaces in
} something that proudly claimed to be ASCII."
}
} "I'm really sorry."
}
} "It's too late for that.  If it hadn't been for the line that said
} 'SAVE SPACE.  USE AN ASCII SIGNATURE :)' I would have Zotted you,
} but it made me laugh too hard."
}
} "I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry!"
}
} "Well, OK."
}
} "Oh thank god."
}
} "Oh hush.  Just don't let it happen again.  Have fun on the boat.  Bye
} now.  And tell Michael I said hi."
}
} *click*
}
} [1] This is how you can tell it's fiction.
}
} You owe the Oracle replacement milk for what I lost when I laughed it
} out of my nose.


1359-03    (299eg dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> C:\WINDOWS\system32\winmine.exe

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} +-+-+-+
} | | | |
} +-+-+-+
} | |7| |
} +-+-+-+
} | | | |
} +-+-+-+
}
} You owe the Oracle a heavily armored suit... or a hovercar.


1359-04    (4bfb9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm worried about my cat. Do you know where I can find a good quantum
> mechanic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Any mechanic is a quantum mechanic.  Cut one in half and he's not a
} mechanic anymore.
}
} You owe the Oracle an atomic bomb, a prime number, and a copy of the
} Pledge of Allegiance.


1359-05    (18pa6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle, tell me by checking one box...
>
> [ ] I will go out with you.
>
> [ ] I do not want to go out with you.
>
> You're so dreamy!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [X] Take out Court Injunction to prevent future contact from persistent
}     stalker.


1359-06    (43bie dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, bringer of light and destroyer of faith...
>
> Who gives better head? Sandra, Kristie or Tom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OG take question!  Og knows!
}
} Now, bring head!
}
} Ah, Sandra have head of missionary!  Good head!  But,
} is it best head?  Og must know.
}
} Kristie bring head of European imperialist that calls
} himself "explorer!"  Og approve of this head.  This
} head better than Sandra Head.
}
} What head does Tom have?
}
} Tom brings head of supplicant who asks risque question
} in family setting.  Tom give Og best head of all!
}
} You owe Og... Oh, Og have it already.


1359-07    (36gl4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> May 5, 2004
>
> Dear Mr. Oracle:
>
> It is with regret that we inform you of the passing of
> Ms. Wendigo Bleth.  However, her last will and
> testament identified you as the indented recipient of
> multiple objects d'art, itemized below:
>
> * One (1) crystal statue of Ms. Bleth's cat, Spartacus.
> * One (1) bible, King James.
> * Thirty-two (32) Red Jellybeans.
> * Two (2) paintings, "The Scourgaging of the Supplicant"
>   and "Dogs Playing Poker"
> * One (1) United States Treasury Bond, est $5,000
> * Approximately seven hundred (700) back issues of
>   National Geographic.
> * One (1) diamond tiara.
> * One (1) manilla folder containing undeveloped rolls
>   of film.
>
> Please inform us as to whether you would like to
> obtain these items, or if they are to be distributed
> to the other heirs and the State Of Maryland.
>
> Yours,
>
> Michael Anyone III, Esq.
> Anyone, Michaels, Ford, Trendle, Kevin, and Bacon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} May 4, 2004
}
} Dear Mr. Bacon:
}
} It is with regret that I inform you of the impending death of one of
} your longtime clients, a Ms. Wedingo Bleth, of [address deleted].
} The autopsy will reveal that she died (rather, will have died)
} peacefully in her sleep at the age of 99 on the evening of the fourth
} of May.
}
} You will find her wall safe hidden in her bedroom behind a painting
} entitled "The Scourging of the Supplicant," which may be recognized
} both by the subject (a thoroughly ZOTted individual holding a small
} furred mammal) and by my signature in the lower left-hand corner.
} The combination to the safe is 24-18-31.
}
} Inside the safe, you will find Ms. Bleth's last will and testiment,
} as well as a manilla envelope containing several rolls of undeveloped
} film.  As the will indicates, some of these items rightfully belong
} to me.  You see, Ms. Bleth was a notorious blackmailer, and over the
} years has taken a percentage of my Offerings as her price for leaving
} the aforementioned film undeveloped.  With her death, I am finally
} free from her evil clutches.
}
} I recommend you assign your young partner, Mr. Anyone III, to
} handle this case.  Do not inform him of this communication; in fact
} I recommend you destroy this letter after reading it.  I am certain
} I can count on your discretion in this matter, and in regards to the
} manilla envelope.  After all, I know what *really* happened to Mr.
} Anyone II.
}
} Sincerely,
} The Oracle


1359-08    (8gf83 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [flash!]
>
> Mr. Oracle!  Mr. Oracle!
>
> [flash-flash flash!]
>
> Would you like to comment on the allegations against
> you?
>
> [flash]
>
> Where did you put the money?
>
> [flash]
>
> How do you explain the rodents?
>
> [flash flash flash]
>
> How will you plead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "I have no comment at this time other than to say that a transcript
} will be made available later today".
}
} AP reports: Oracle testifies before commission
} Begin Transcript
}
} WITNESS: Presenting semi deity Oracle
}
} ORACLE: Good morning Chairman Kean. Let me firstly say that I'm proud
} and honored to be testifying before the commission this morning. I wish
} to make a brief opening statement before opening myself up to your
} questions.
}
} KEAN: You may proceed.
}
} ORACLE: I understand and appreciate the reason for calling this
} commission and respect the difficult task set forth before it. However,
} it wasn't me. I was doing everything right before and nothing could
} have saved us from those tragic events and I'm still doing everything
} right currently. I've not made any mistakes, only those godless
} heathens are at fault. There was no failure here, I was doing
} everything perfectly. I'll now take your questions.
}
} KEAN: Oracle, I'd like to draw your attention to this picture of you.
} Said picture clearly contradicts your opening statement. As you can see
} in the picture,  you're sitting at your desk where behind you sits a
} framed embroidery that clearly states "I'm doing nuffin". Further, the
} money trail is clearly visible in the background and runs strait up to
} your desk. Finally, sir, how in good conscience can you explain those
} rodents?
}
} AUDIENCE: <gasps>
}
} KEAN: <banging gavel> Quiet please.
}
} ORACLE:  Allow me to answer your last question first. Those are simply
} not rodents. Secondly Mr. Chairman the money trail does not run right
} up to my desk, this is a modified picture. In reality the money trail
} runs under my desk and continues on down the hall where it ends at some
} scapegoats office. I mean Secretary Scape R. Goats office. The modified
} picture also explains my framed embroidery, which actually reads, "I've
} got muffins". As in, I've got the muffins to take on any of those other
} places, you know the ones that are against us.
}
} KEAN: Now two minutes for the senator from [area name removed for
} national security reasons]
}
} SENATOR XXXXXXX:  Oracle, I've sat before several prominent commissions
} including [identifying remark removed for national security reasons]
} and the great abacus debate. Yet I've never heard anything as troubling
} as I have heard here today. You sir may deny to the press, but anyone
} can see that those are clearly rodents. In fact,  I have a copy of the
} receipt recovered from rodent emporium. Do you deny receiving and
} endorsing this receipt in your Oracle Daily Brief (ODB) on [date
} removed for national security reasons]?
}
} ORACLE:  Senator, while it is true that I received said receipt in the
} ODB, that particular ODB was a general report of rodent activity and
} not specifically referencing the rodents seen in the previously
} mentioned picture. Not that those rodents are acknowledged by my
} experts to be rodents. I wish to thank the commission for it's
} questions and look forward to reading the final report. Thank you
}
} End Transcript
}
} --
} You owe the oracle: A pirated copy of Photoshop.


1359-09    (5dia4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wonderful and Awesome Oracle, with the greatest memory of things that
> never happened to Him out of anyone:
>
> What was on that list of movies that I really had to see that I lost?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One moment dear, while I hunt the signs for your list. Traffic has
} been heavy in lost lists of late but we catch them when we can.
} The process for retrieving lists is difficult and we appreciate two
} weeks notice. We are attempting to analyze this problem and expect
} to have retrieval time to fifteen minutes by next February 2nd.
} The usual suspect is Bruce, our list recovery technician, he has an
} almighty amount of data to sort through. Once a list is isolated in
} the net we must convert and reload it's matrix before it is usable.
} A minority of reports are unable to be processed successfully.
} I'm sorry supplicant but your list was unable to be reloaded.
} The error message returned:  lost in translation
}
} Thank you for using oracle list recovery services.


1359-10    (7gbb5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where have all the brownies gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you'll find they're right where they always were: just above
} the brown shins.


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