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Internet Oracularities #136

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Usenet Oracularities #136    (14 votes, 3.3 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 26 Mar 90 18:38:25 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

136   14 votes 14225 12533 12434 13334 01643 44420 01355 14621 53042 03344
136   3.3 mean  3.4   3.4   3.5   3.4   3.6   2.3   4.0   2.9   2.6   3.6


136-01    (14225 dist, 3.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the basic demographics of the Oracle-using section of the
> population?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle system statistics, generated March 6, 1990.
}          (Percentages may not add to 100 due to rounding errors)
}
} =======================================================================
}
}                      I.  Age
}
} Age of user
} -----------
}
}  1-15   2%  X
}
} 16-23  38%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} 24-31  41%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} 32-47   8%  XXXXXXX
}
} 48-63   1%  X
}
} 64+     0%
}
}
} Largest single category:  24-31
} Average age of user:  27
}
}
} Mental age of user
} ------------------
}
}  1-15  87%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} 16-23   9%  XXXXXXXX
}
} 24-31   1%  X
}
} 32-47   0%
}
} 48-63   0%
}
} 64+     1%  X
}
}
} Largest single category:  1-15
} Average mental age of user:  3
}
}
}
}                       II.  Sex
}
} Gender
} ------
}
} Male    47%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} Female  44%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} Other   8%   XXXXXXX
}
}
} Largest single category:  Male
} Average sex of user:  Emale
}
}
} Frequency
} ---------
}
} Thrice a week    18%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} Thrice a day      3%  XX
}
} Whenever I can   27%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} Whenever I can, which is never   30%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} Other            10%  XXXXXXXXX
}
}  (Answers of Celibate were counted in "Whenever I can, which is never.")
}
}
} Largest single category:  Whenever I can, which is never
} Average frequency:  29
}
}
} Type of partner
} ---------------
}
} Human              33%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} Pet                17%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} Farm animal        12%  XXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} Wild animal        25%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} Hand               20%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} Mechanical object   9%  XXXXXXXXX
}
}
} Largest single answer:  Human
} Average type of partner:  Pig
}
}
}                      III.  Race
}
} 50 yard
} -------
}
}  1-10 sec  23%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
} 11-59 sec  69%  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
}
}  1-10 min   4%  XXXX
}
} 11-59 min   0%
}
}
} Largest single answer:  11-59 sec
} Average 50 yard:  18 secs
}
}
}
} Summary of other categories (for tables, ask for "detailed demo-
} graphics")
}
} Category              Largest single answer           Average answer
} -------------         ---------------------           --------------
} Net worth             $200-300 K                      $207.31
} Hair color            Physical description unavaiabl  bald
} Math SAT              500-549                         573
} First Oracle question "How much wood would a woodchu  "Am I stupid or wh
} Musical tastes        Rock'n'Roll                     Oracle and the Ora
} Toothpaste            Toothpaste? What's that?        Crest
} Movie of the decade   Raiders of the Lost Ark         Sid and Nancy
} Verbal SAT            400-449                         385
} Main reference source Oracle                          Oracle
} Source of computer ac Academic access                 It's my best frien
} Programming skill     5-10 years experience           I know BASIC
} Friends               3 or 4 friends                  2.7 friends
} Place of birth        Hospital                        Back seat of car
} Place of conception   Bedroom                         Back seat of car
}
} ========================================================================
} Oracle system statistics generated March 6, 1990.
} Thank you.
} ========================================================================
}
} You owe the Oracle a garden snake.


136-02    (12533 dist, 3.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, what is the optimal way to masturbate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The optimal way varies from time to time and person to person, but
} here's one of my favorites.
} Tools you need:
} bath towel
} mirror
} vibrator
} K-Y jelly
} zucchini
} Bailey's Irish Cream
} pet snake
} New Age music cassette
} silver chalice
} telephone
}
} Method:
} Lie down on the towel with the mirror in front of you, so you can see
} your genitals clearly.  Put on the New Age music and begin to chant
} quietly.  Pour the Bailey's over the zucchini and into the chalice.
} Drink from the chalice.  Stroke yourself gently with the zucchini, and
} then place it into one of your bodily orifices.  Put the snake into the
} chalice.  With your left hand, use the vibrator to vibrate the zucchini,
} while you use the right to dial your high school English professor on
} the telephone.  Talk dirty until the moment of climax; then drop the
} phone, pull out the zucchini and pour the snake with Bailey's over your
} chest.  Come copiously.
}
} (Works for me.)
}
} You owe the oracle a report on your success.


136-03    (12434 dist, 3.5 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A long, long time ago in a blacker period of history than we are in now,
> people on rec.humor actually spoke out against the Oracle and wanted you
> to die.  Why on earth did they do that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ The Oracle was a little confused on this one.  The "feud" was with
} certain readers of rec.humor, not Brad Templeton/rec.humor.funny.  -sk ]
}
} It's because...because, BRAD TEMPLETON IS THE ANTI_CHRIST!!! There,
} I said it! Oh, I've been silenced long enough about this abomination!
} Yes, insinuating himself among the people with his "moderated" humor
} group...moderated by Old Nick, himself, I say!! Yes, the split hoofed
} one broadcasts his message over all available bandwidth, and pipes it
} into our heads encased in such banal humor, that our numbed brains don't
} even see that we are being turned into Satan's followers. We must join
} each other, and destroy this horror from the bowels of th...
}
}
} Message from Talk_Daemon@porter at 11:22 ...
} talk: connection requested by satan@reagan.depths.hell.edu
} talk: respond with:  talk satan@reagan.depths.hell.edu
}
}
} O: Uh, hi Satan, old buddy! How's things? I hope...
}
} S: Cut the shit, Oracle. I thought we had an understanding here?
}
} O: Well, we did...uh, do...I...
}
} S: Shut up, OK, just shut up. I've had a hell of a week. The
} flu is going around the lower level demons, and one of the slimy
} little things gave it to me. Yeah, that one hanging on the wall
} over there...and there...and there...and...you get the message,
} right, Oh benevolent and merciful O-racle hole, ha, ha! You
} tipped my hand twice, and three strikes means your out, so lay
} off the kid, or you will find out what me and Lisa do in my
} cabin on the weekends. And you won't live to regret it!
}
} O: WHAT!?!? LISA and SATAN, boinkin' behind my back!!?? You little
} slut, I oughta...and YOU Satan, I felt like we were friends and
} all,and then...
}
} S: Oh, cut it, you glorified Ann Landers. You quit whining, or
} I'll make you last trip to Hell seem like a Sunday in the park.
}
} O: Well...since you put it that way, I guess I could, uh...Oh,
} heck, big guy, I was just joshin' you:-)! I hope you and Lisa
} have a great weekend, OK? No hard feelings, huh?
}
} S: ^C
}
} Yeah, about this rec.humor.funny feud? I is all just a teensy-
} weensy little misunderstanding between ol' Brad and myself.
} Hey, old buddies can argue, too, can't they? It is nothing,
} and Brad is cool, there's your answer. Now get outa my face.
} ...Lisa, you, bitch, get to my chambers and... Oh, yeah, you
} owe the Oracle, some asbestos potholders. Now get out.


136-04    (13334 dist, 3.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do computers have orgasms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course they do. If they didn't, they wouldn't "go down" on you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hot date with iuvax.cs.indiana.edu.


136-05    (01643 dist, 3.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So many people so many people why are there so people and why are they
> all so lonely why doesn't everyone realize that the ultimate expression
> of self is not sex but suicide why why why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The scene:  A closeup of The Oracle's face.  In the backround some
} blurry skin-colored shapes are moving]
}  Oracle [suddenly looking up]:  Oh,...  er, I guess we're live?
}          OK...
}          Lisa, Susan, could you excuse me for a couple of minutes?
} Thanks.
}  [The Oracle slips on a robe and lights up a cigar]
}  Oracle:  Alright now, the first thing that you need to realize is you
} are in an artificially extreme state of depression.  I understand that
} you just took some very heavy medication for that kidney stone.  Don't
} worry, this will pass (the depression and the stone).
}         But to deal with each of your questions:
}         I have to admit that I'm partially at fault for the population
} part of your question.  You see back, before there were people, there
} was this big party and we were drinking this potent mead and well I
} started talking and boasting with this grey haired bearded old gent
} about the neat things I could do.  Of course he couldn't be outdone, so
} he told me that he could make a bunch of us and make us willingly
} perform certain vile and desgusting acts.  So I took him up on it.  I
} told him that if he could do that, I would perform my services for him
} and anyone of the people that did these things.  We shook hands, signed
} a contract and unfortunately, I didn't read the fine print, and it turns
} out that this guy is God and he makes some creatures that look exactly
} like us and have this drive to do these unspeakable acts for pleasure.
} Naturally I protested, but by the letter of the contract it was fair, so
} I was screwed.  (That explains the 'so many people').
}         But the story doesn't end there.
} [The Oracle lights up another Stogie]
}         You see, these creatures were so bury performing their purpose
} that I didn't have to perform my services for them.  This was making the
} Almighty upset.  (He had no use for my services, he's already
} all-powerful and all-knowing).  So he comes to me saying that he's sorry
} that I lost the bet, but that he wants to sweaten it up for me because
} he's such a nice guy.  He says that he think's that we should rewrite
} our contract so that i can be allowed to experience some of the feelings
} that these creatures are experiencing.  At first I was very skeptical
} but you know, God just has a way of putting things that makesit hard to
} resist.  You could say he speaks with the tongue of the Devil.  So I
} agreed and well again I forgot to read the fine print and God went about
} and made it so that his creature had a lot of hang- ups about committing
} these acts.  This meant that they would have feelings of anxiety no
} matter what and would require guidence (Me).  (He could't change the
} creature after the bet without renegotiation of the contract due to some
} stipulation in the Valhala Convention on Clerical Weapons).  And that is
} why people are so lonely and frustrated.
}         But I did get something out of the deal, I get to enjoy these
} acts which everyone else (my peers here) thinks are despicable.  Which
} of course means no competition from other dieties.  So I get my pick
} pretty much.  It's good to be The Oracle.
}         As for your last query I can only say two things.  First remind
} you that this feeling of depression is temporary.  Soon, (it would be
} cheating for me to tell you exactly how long) you will be feeling
} better.  You'll find a bodacious babe with a bodacious body.
}         Secondly, ultimate anything's are pretty worthless and moot if
} you can't stick around to enjoy the after-glow.  (It's like saying goes,
} "It's hard to take a bow six feet under.") So it doesn't matter which is
} ultimate, only one can be enjoyed.
}         And third of all, its abvious that you haven't MADE LOVE in a
} while.  Contrary to popular belief that doesn't have anything to do with
} feelings, but more to do with ice and honey, ...  oops sorry, I'm told I
} can't go into that right now.
}         So buck up throw away that dull razor and go make love in the
} snow next to Frosty the SnowMan.


136-06    (44420 dist, 2.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, can you please finish this poem for me?
>
> Reeling in his drunkeness
> He cannot stand, he can't undress
> He passes out upon his bed
> Can it be that he is dead?
>
> He asked us to get out, and fell
> Down, I do not think he is well
> But one good thing about his stupor

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is the stuff he left in the pooper?


136-07    (01355 dist, 4.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most omniscient Oracle, whose every word drips wisdom, whose every
> thought is a pearl of infinite value, whose naughty bits are truly
> something to behold, whose virility and stamina, take my breath away,
> and whose soft hands gently carress the inside of my thighs, making my
> breath quicken, sending hot desire through the very core of my
> being......
> Um, where was I?  Um......Oh yes, I remember.
> Oh, great Oracle,
>       Why is my keyboard always sticky after I ask you a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh most queriable querent, whose every orifice drips interesting
} liquids, whose every thought is a rose of lechery, whose naughty bits
} are truly quite inspired at the moment, whose virility but not stamina
} have caused thy own breath to come quickly, and whose soft hands gently
} caress the inside of your own thighs, making your breath quicken,
} sending hot desire through the very core of your being:
}
} You forgot to wash your hands, and there's peanut butter and jelly all
} over it.


136-08    (14621 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the following historically valid?  How about grammatical?
>
> Catherine the Great, Empress of Russia:
>
>      I am 15-year-old maiden, when first I made the moofkie-foofkie.  It
> is spring day in 1744, and I am in courtyard of palace making walk past
> stables when I see Dmitri for the first time.  So proud and dignifed is
> he!  So masculine.  So great is his extreme bigness.  He make Cossacks
> look like a brook trout.  My heart make a journey upwards in search of
> sky so madly with affectionateness am I!
>      For many days I do nothing but make dreamings upon Dmitri.  At the
> evening time I think from his beateous blondness of hair, his
> muscularness of body.  He make my pantalets fill with extreme moistness.
> One night I can no longer withstand this, so I go from bedchamber and to
> his presence.  He sleep.  On his back is blanket.  I take off blanket.
> I make strokings upon him.  This make arousals.  I tremble with wantness
> and again my moisture fills with pantalets.  He stands and for the first
> time I see him in nakedness and am filled with glory and wantness.
> Dmitri approaches upon me.  I lie down in bed and he comes to me.  Then
> he make his entrance upon my personage.  He is not gentle lover, but I
> am completed.
>      After this, we lay in hay together and I stroke his tail until
> later comes stableboy to put on Dmitri's feedbag....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should not horse Dmitri around like that!
}
} What a fetty load of dingo kidneys!


136-09    (53042 dist, 2.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are some people so obnoxious when they give their opinion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, you stinking shithead, I don't give a fuck!


136-10    (03344 dist, 3.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my lover so faithful to me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a good question, Lisa dear.  It would be a heck of a lot easier
} to answer if I knew just *which* lover it was.  Sam doesn't know about
} the other lovers yet.  Melissa is really just stringing you on, hoping
} to get in Sam's pants when he finds out.  Andy is a geek and couldn't
} find anyone else in a thousand years.  Betsy is a devout Baptist, and
} feels really bad about anything that Jerry Falwell disapproves of (and
} she's got one big problem with your relationship already).  Eric is too
} stupid to realize that Diane has been trying to seduce him for the last
} month or two.  Dick has been sleeping around some, but he found out
} pretty quickly that there's nobody as good in bed as you, so he stopped.
} Colin is mostly faithful to you because he found out about your antics,
} got very depressed, and is in the process of committing suicide.  Elaine
} is faithful to you because you threatened to beat her up if she wasn't,
} and she's scared of those brass knucks you carry around all the time.
} Joe is faithful to you ...  well ...  he's not, really, but you haven't
} found out about it yet.  Harry is faithful to you because he really
} resents it when his lovers are unfaithful, and he's following the Golden
} Rule.  Smitty is faithful to you because he is married to you (you had
} forgotten, hadn't you!  Shame, shame, shame, you naughty child!) and
} living in a state with very strict adultery laws.  Georgina is faithful
} to you because she is below the legal age of consent and too afraid of
} the law to get involved with anyone with less clout in the police force
} than you.  Larry is faithful because he gets most of his sexual
} satisfaction from reading alt.sex at two in the morning and masturbating
} anyway.  Brett is faithful to you because he loves you dearly.  And Spot
} is faithful to you because he's a dog.
}
} You owe the Oracle three of your spare lovers.


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