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Internet Oracularities #1361

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Internet Oracularities #1361    (55 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 31 May 2004 19:19:47 -0500 (EST)

@@@     Congratulations to Das Internet Orakel, the German language
@@@           Internet Oracle, on its recent 10th anniversary!
@@@
@@@        See http://www.olymp.org and newsgroup de.rec.orakel.

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1361
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1361  55 votes 1ehf8 eibb1 4bibb 8ggb4 17dld 49h9g 7bkf2 37ifc 44hl9 17heg
1361  3.2 mean  3.3   2.4   3.3   2.8   3.7   3.4   2.9   3.5   3.5   3.7


1361-01    (1ehf8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I grovel by taking a giant leap sideways in the course
> of History.  Suddenly it's 1945, and I haven't been born
> yet.  My father's just getting home from WWII, and has
> yet to meet my mother, who thought she was waiting for
> someone else.  Unfortunately, the sideways leap has left
> Hitler victorious, and my mother is Jewish, and about to
> be wiped out.  My father, OOPS, he's NOT my father, anyway,
> that guy who would have been my father comes to her
> rescue, but gets blown up by the guards.  Damn!  I'm not
> able to grovel any further because I don't exist.  Damn!
>
> What's the best way to avoid interacting with the Darwin
> Awards on a personal level?  Stay in bed all day, maybe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to your grovel, you don't exist anymore.  Thus why
} are you worrying about becoming a Darwin Award Winner?
} However, I shall assume that your grovel was more allegorical
} than actual and answer your last question about avoiding
} becoming a Darwin Awardee.
}
} Most Darwin awardees typically involve a combination of guns,
} alcohol, trucks, and/or explosive materials.  They also often
} use (or should have used) the old joke about a Redneck's last
} words (Q: "What are a the most common 'Last Words' spoken by
} a Redneck?"  A: "Hey Earl, Watch This!").
}
} If you wish to not become a Darwin Awardee, follow these
} three simple rules:
}
} A: Don't be a jerk.  It really is a simple rule, but you'd be
}    amazed at how many Darwin Awardees forget it.
}
} B: Don't assume the laws of physics will not apply to you.
}    Newton's laws about falling bodies applies to everybody,
}    whether you wish them to or not.  In addition, the good old
}    kinetic energy equation '1/2 * m * v^2' also applies.  The
}    'v^2' is the kicker -- as velocity goes 'up' (a common
}    problem with Darwin Awardees), the kinetic energy goes
}    'way up'.  Flesh and bone does not do a good job of
}    absorbing kinetic energy when the inevitable happens.
}
} C: Don't fall into the 'more must be better' trap.  Igniting
}    one propane tank in the desert is 'funny and only somewhat
}    dangerous'; igniting ten propane tanks at once is 'stupid'.
}
} If you follow these rules you can still 'have a life' and not
} worry about becoming famous in an infamous way.
}
} You owe the Oracle a JATO rocket engine -- I've got to check
} that one out.


1361-02    (eibb1 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All the blood drained from my face, and
> I stood there, as pail as a bucket.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Sasha, don't!" I cried.  "I'll return the toys to the
} children!"  But it was too late.  She had already set
} the machine into motion.
}
} Overhead, the gears and pulleys of the gigantic
} contraption wheezed as they moved for the first time
} in millenia.
}
} She began laughing quietly as the blades of the
} machine began swishing through the air.  I knew it had
} detected me, and tried to run - but whither there was
} no.  Is this the end, I thought, of the anti-Santy
} Claus?
}
} I cried out.  I puffed on my pipe.  I shook like a
} bowl full of terrified jelly.  The sharp instruments
} whizzed nearer, and began to de-beard me.
}
} "No!  Thousands of years of growth...please, turn it
} off!  I'd rather die than be clean-shaven!"
}
} I do not remember the initial trimming, but as I felt
} the first swipe of lather on my stubble-only face, I
} lost consciousness entirely.
}
} I awoke in midtown Manhattan, with only sideburns to
} my name and a candy-cane in my short pocket.  Back to
} square one.  No beard, no ability to pass for the man
} in Red.  Check in with me in 4020, I thought, and went
} to look for employment at one of the city's many duane
} reade drugstores.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sandcastle.


1361-03    (4bibb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me about plutonic love.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kind of like uranic love, but with more radiation.


1361-04    (8ggb4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, I'm sending this from a Yahoo! account...
>
> Hmmm... Strange, I have an overwhelming urge to submit
> an obscene question for consideration.  But I will
> fight it... I will, I must...
>
> Anu...
>
> NO! I refuse to type anything obscene.  Oracle, can
> you help me out here?  How can I fight this malady?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha ha ha ha!  I will PUKE on you!  *I* am the Oracle now!
} Zot! Zot! Zot! Zot! Zot! Zot!  Your grandmother PUKED
} on me, too!  Ha ha ha ha!  Zot!
}
} All you computer nerds and geeks may as well give up.
} This is free speech, you can't make me stop, not even
} if you are a NetKKKop.  If you are allowed to put things
} in the queue, I'm allowed to drain it.  Or you drain it,
} I fill it up, with MY questions, which today will all
} be about PUKE, and are funnier than the poindexter ones
} you all submit about string theory and partheno-whatevers.
}
} Nuff said, tuff luck, boo hoo, game over.  Zot!  And
} Zot! again.  PUKE on you, puker!  Ha ha ha ha!
}
} Zot!
}
} __________________________________
} Do you Boohoo!?
}
} There.  That's the last of that batch.  I think there's
} time to fire up the 'bot and do one more batch, before
} I have to get out to catch the schoolbus.  Just wait a
} fe- Mom, is that you?  Oh, I forgot to tell you, the
} big kids broke my inhaler yesterday and I need anoth-
} *rumble* hey, YOU'RE not Mom, who are you? Get outta
} my- *crack* ow! hey! *ZOT* owwwwww!-
}
} *rumble* *ahem* Sorry about that, Supplicant.  I had
} been meaning to track down this little twerp for quite
} a few weeks now, but never quite made the time.  I see
} now that I should have taken steps sooner; he has left
} quite a mess in his wake.
}
} He owes the Oracle a cleanup.  I'm thinking hands/knees
} and virtual toothbrush, until every byte of every message
} he sent is cleaned up on the screens of his unlucky
} recipients.


1361-05    (17dld dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who can make anyone hear him,
>
> How long an antenna would Kevin need so that I could hear the radio
> he's broadcasting in my house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Kevin's friend,
}
} The string has to connect ALL the way between BOTH cans.
}
} Hope this helps!
}
} Orrie


1361-06    (49h9g dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                  Fact is Stranger than Fiction
>
>       Man, the craziest thing happened to me yesterday.  I had to work
> late, and then pick something up at the Mall for my Mother's Birthday.
> I was rushing to get home so I could catch my favorite show, Fear
> Factor.  I was walking quickly and as I turned a corner in the Mall I
> bumped in to some guy coming the other way around the corner.  I almost
> dropped the my Mother's Birthday gift, but managed to hold on to it.
> I apologized to the guy and pressed on, but before I could take two
> steps he started yelling at me...
>
> Guy: "Hey buddy, watch where the hell you're going!  What's the matter
> with you?  You stupid or something?"
>
> Me: "Oh, sorry."
>
> Guy: "That it?  You're sorry?  Well... that doesn't cut it!  Do you
> think its okay to go around bumping in to everybody, breaking all their
> stuff?  Look what you've done!  You made me drop my ice cream cone.
> How would you like it if I broke your stuff?"
>
>       With that he grabbed my Mother's gift and smashed it on the
> floor.
>
> Guy: "How did you like that?  You didn't, did you?"
>
> Me: "Now, that wasn't necessary.  It was an accident, and I'm sorry,
> but I don't feel I'm any more at fault than you were.  Besides, my
> gift was expensive, and your ice cream cone was only worth a dollar."
>
> Guy: "Not your fault?  Look mister, it was ALL your fault.  You got
> some kind of death wish or something?"
>
>       About this time I realized that this guy was quite a bit bigger
> than I was, and he was getting angrier and angrier by the second.
>
> Me: "I still feel I wasn't any more at fault than you, but how about
> if I buy you a new ice cream cone anyway?"
>
>       I fumbled through my wallet, but only had a twenty dollar bill.
> I pulled it out to ask if he had any change, but he knocked it out
> of my hands and it fluttered to the floor.  Clearly he didn't care
> about the money.
>
> Guy: "I don't want your money!  I want revenge!  I'll take it out
> in blood and broken bones!  It's about time you learned a lesson,
> and I'm just the guy to teach it to you!"
>
>       I could see he was getting very angry now; his nostrils were
> flaring, veins were bulging on his temples, sweat was running down
> his forehead, he was breathing quickly, and he was taking a fighters
> stance.
>
> Me: "Calm down, it's not that big a deal."
>
> Guy: "Look Buster!  You're worthless piece of crap!  People like you
> ought to be tortured and killed; severely tortured for a VERY long
> time, then shot and left for the buzzards.  You don't deserve to live;
> you shouldn't even have been born!  Why didn't your mother do the
> world a favor and kill you before you could come in to the world?"
>
>       About this time I was thinking that I hate cops sticking their
> nose in my private business, but I'd really like to see one now.
>
> Me: "Uhmmm"
>
>       I was about to respond, but decided it would probably be best
> if I didn't say anything.
>
> Guy: "You are the scum of the earth!  The lowest form of life on
> the planet!  Lower than low!"
>
>       I was getting kind of scared now; this guy was really loosing
> it.  His arms were starting to flail around, and he was making punching
> gestures with his fists.
>
> Guy: "I'll kill you for this!  Rip you apart, s_l_o_w_l_y, piece by
> piece, so it hurts like nothing you've ever felt before!  I'll tear
> flesh from bone, pull your guts out and strangle you with them!
> I'll beat you to a pulp and drink your blood!"
>
>       Somebody must have called, because I could see a cop was
> running up to us with his night-stick drawn.  Boy did I feel better
> seeing that.
>
> Guy: "When I'm through with you, they won't even recognize you as
> human; you will just be a pile of pulverized meat and broken splintered
> bones sitting in a puddle of blood!"
>
> Policeman: "John, what's the matter?  Did this man do something?"
>
>      The guy's voice suddenly went from raging to calm.
>
> Guy: "This idiot deliberately smashed in to me and threw my ice cream
> cone on the floor.  Now he refuses to pay!"
>
> Me: "No, I offered to..."
>
>       Before I could finish the cop whacked me with his night-stick,
> tackled me to the hard Mall floor, twisted my arms behind my back till
> it hurt like hell, and cuffed me.  "Damn! These guys are friends.
> Of course the cop is going to take his friend's side." I thought
> to myself.
>
> Guy: "I tried to work it out with him, but he threatened me with
> bodily harm.  You can bet I'm going to press charges.  I don't care
> how much it costs me, I'm going to get the best lawyer money can buy
> and have this low life put away where he belongs for a long, long,
> LONG time!"
>
>       I started to say something, but the cop whacked me with the
> night-stick again.  Wow, I didn't know it could hurt that much!
>
> Policeman: "Shut the hell up, you are in enough trouble already."
>
>       [Time lapses.]
>
>       So, now I'm sitting here in a jail cell with a bunch of smelly
> drunks wondering how all this could have happened.  I've never been in
> any kind of trouble before.  There were lots of witnesses at the Mall,
> but no one brave enough to come forward.  One of the witnesses must
> have even made off with the twenty bucks that fell to the floor.  Man,
> what a lousy day!  I'm out that twenty bucks, the expensive Birthday
> gift for my Mom, I missed my show, my car was towed and I have to
> pay that plus storage fees, I have to hire a lawyer, and pay bail.
>
>       So, Mr. Oracle, let me ask you - How could I have avoided this,
> and what was that guy's problem anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, just come clean and tell your mother you forgot about Mother's
} Day and didn't buy her a thing. It's not like she isn't used to it
} by now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a calendar.


1361-07    (7bkf2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oranges and Lemons say the bells of St Clements!
>
> What do the bells of your temple say, Oh wonderful and spectacular
> Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Kinzler's top banana," say the bells of Indiana
} "Decent jokes do we seek," say TIO's trusted Priests
} "Few will meet that contingence," says the Voice of Experience
} Mostly "Zot!"s and ">"s, from Incarnations thick of skull
} "Why am I not digested!!!" say the Newbs most dejected
} "Priests must be heavy boozers," say the Sorest of Losers
} "Not again," must say those who are reading this rhyme,
} "Obscure little ditties are far from benign;
} "I could search the internet, but who has the time?"
}
} You owe the Oracle an extension on her thesis paper.


1361-08    (37ifc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most supremely cunning, who could outmaneuver Alexander,
> outfox Caesar, outsail Nelson, outwit Clausewitz... I am in need of
> your infinite wisdom:
>
> How do you keep the barbarian hordes from overrunning the temple?
> I know your Staff of Zot is a weapon powerful beyond the human
> imagination, but still: you've got to aim, fire, etc., and after
> a while that's got to get boring; and your minions (Zadoc and the
> others) don't seem bright enough to handle things on their own. So I'm
> guessing that you've got other strategies at work to keep things
> nice and quiet so that Lisa and you can enjoy your time together.
> What tactical advice can you pass along to this struggling tyrant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O, supplicant most martial and strategic, the oracle has little need to
} worry about barbarian invaders. The usual discussion between prospective
} rampagers usually goes something like this:
}
} "Let's attack that temple."
} "That one over there, which is defended only by a single priest?"
} "Yes."
} "That one, which is the only unlooted building for forty leagues in any
}  direction, with the unarmed *smiling* priest defending it?"
} "Yes."
} "The priest who is unconcerned that we outnumber him fifty to one, is
}  totally relaxed and is holding up a sign saying 'temple of the oracle-
}  completely harmless' whilst chuckling slightly under his breath?"
} "Oh."
} "Sod that. Let's do something a bit less dangerous, like insulting the
}  thunder gods from the top of a hill whilst wearing wet armour."
}
} This will probably not work for an aspiring general such as yourself so
} here are a few more general tactical tips.
}
} Incoming fire has the right of way.
} If your attack is going well, it may be an ambush.
} If you have an impregnable defensive line, the enemy will go round the
} side.
} supply lines are boring, but essential.
} Charging directly at enemy lines is brave, but really stupid.
} Don't invade Russia. It's big, cold and has a habit of surprising
} invaders.


1361-09    (44hl9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hawwright!  This time I'll dispense with the faulty Acme
> grovelling equipment, and get right down to the basics of
> the art.  These 10,000 cave bats will pick me up and fly
> me over the parapets of your abode.
>
> FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP
> FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP
> FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP
>
> As you can see, I'm waving a banner that says ORRIE IS
> TOTALLY SPLENDID EVEN IF IT IS MONDAY.
>
> Then they'll drop me into the driver's seat of your new
> BMW controvertable.
>
>    THUDSQUISHHHH
>
> Oops, I got guano all over the leather seats.  Sorry, I'll
> clean it up later.
>
> So, I'll just shift into first gear,
>
>    GRNNNGCGCGHHGHGDDCH-ping
>
> And then I'll let up on the clutch and vroom the engine.
>
>    VROOM -URRRK-VROOM VROOM VROOOOM KER-SPLATSCHH!
>
> Blub-blub could you please rescue me from the bottom of
> your moat?  And I guess this means I don't have to worry
> about the guano, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite myself, I'm rather impressed. Groveling before the oracle by
} crawling around in my moat whilst covered in bat guano is impressively
} subservient, and the manner in which you did it takes guts.
} Surprisingly enough, you're also spared a zotting for totalling the
} convertable, as this gives me a chance to get even with that dratted
} insurance company. I hadn't even touched the thing, so let them write
} that one off as an "act of god". Even their twisted imaginations
} haven't yet excluded "destruction of vehicle by ariel bombardment with
} guano and subsequent immersion in water". In fact I'm feeling in such a
} good mood today I'll give you more than one answer.
} 1. Put those bats back. They're a protected species and removing them
} from their natural habitat could cause damage to another endangered
} animal (the Wumpus)
} 2. Use the clutch before shifting gears. You'll wear out the gearbox in
} no time doing that sort of thing.
} 3. It's Wednesday. confound that blasted queue.
} 4. No. I'm not going too rescue you from the moat. I'm not in THAT much
} of a good mood and you should be able to make it out before the
} crocodiles...... Hello? Supplicant?
} Oh.
} Well, I guess he won't have to worry about the guano.
}
} Your estate owes the oracle a question prioritiser.


1361-10    (17heg dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most gifted Oracle, wiser than 700 poignant cats,
>
> We had those vikings by the HORNS!  What HAPPENED?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Fat lady sang.


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