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Internet Oracularities #1362

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Internet Oracularities #1362    (60 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2004 13:40:57 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1362
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1362  60 votes 3ablf 38glc 2cw95 47ihe flf36 37igg 1cpg6 48jhc bbdj6 3in97
1362  3.2 mean  3.6   3.5   3.0   3.5   2.4   3.6   3.2   3.4   3.0   3.0


1362-01    (3ablf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Another grovel!!!  Watch me leap from this cliff and
> trail a banner reading ORRIE IS THE MOST OMNISCIENT
> ORACLE ANYWHERE AND ALSO IN TEXAS.
>
> First, I'll put on this ACME parachute, so I'll be
> safe.
>
> Next I jump.
>
> Now I'll pull the ripcord.
>
> A huge anvil billows out from the chute pack, and
> the words ACME and ONE TON are visible on it.
>
> The anvil, discovering it's heavier than me, falls
> faster, hauling me down.  I forget to release the
> banner, but that's ok, because you knew what it was
> going to say anyway.
>
> Could you please resurrect me after I smash into the
> canyon floor?  What will I come back as?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite what you say in your grovel, you forget that
} I am the omniscient one here.  You *don't* smash into
} the canyon floor, as it turns out.
}
} The anvil unaccountably *bounces* off the canyon floor,
} heading back up incongruously faster than it went down.
} A look of perplexity replaces the terror on your face
} as the anvil passes you on its way back up.  If it had
} hands, it would wave to you, but we don't do that with
} anvils, and I don't think it would make sense for Bugs
} to suddenly be riding on the anvil.  Though if this was
} one of those damned Wackyland things we'd do either (or
} both) in a heartbeat.
}
} Your terrified expression returns as you near the canyon
} floor.  As you brace for impact, the parachute ropes
} tauten with a "sproing" from the sound effects crew -
} probably the G string of a cello, though that's their
} call.  But instead of your spinal column being shattered
} to pieces, you do that Chuck Jones-ey voodoo that you
} do so well, and strrrrretch your body so that you gently
} stop, inches from the surface and your imminent demise.
} (As if!)
}
} Unfortunately, you mis-time your stretch, and the tip
} of your rubbery black nose makes the barest of contact
} with the lowest arm of the only cactus within miles of
} your anticipated landing spot.  The air goes out of it
} like a balloon, and in fact your entire muzzle loses
} air and thus its integrity, the bottom half of your face
} drooping like some horrific Halloween monster mask.
} Your look of despair as you stare straight into the
} "camera", appealing to the audience for sympathy, with
} those great big bloodshot eyes, is priceless and of
} course represents this particular "gag" sequence's
} payoff.
}
} Nutty stuff so far, practically British in its layering,
} eh wot?
}
} With another stretch, off you go back into the air,
} as the anvil drags you upward to the stratosphere.  By
} the time the anvil, and you, reach the apex of your
} trajectory, or should I perhaps say the acme, heh heh,
} our "camera" draws back and we see the North American
} continent, complete with lines demarcating these forty
} eight United States.  (N.b., actual visible lines do
} not exist in real life, this is just another of our
} wild sight "gags".  Also, the states of Alaska and
} Hawai'i have not been admitted yet.  Also, by now your
} nose is somehow back to normal.)
}
} Back down, down, down, you and the anvil plummet,
} heading for Texas.  You land safe and sound, in the
} ludicrously overly-cushioned top chair of a ferris
} wheel at a county fair.  Why is the chair cushioned?
} Because I always thought the furniture at my maiden
} Aunt Mildred's house was the funniest thing ever.
} Don't you find old-lady furniture funny?  Oh, and the
} anvil is by this point forgotten, probably having
} landed on someone but we won't show that.  Unless we
} figure out a way to make it funny of course.  Hm, two
} babies who look like Tracy and Hepburn?  Squish!  Nah,
} never mind, come back to that later.
}
} The wheel brings you down, and you emerge from the ride,
} woozy and staggering, but unharmed.  Whereupon the good
} citizenry at the fair set upon you and beat you to a
} bloody pulp, led by Porky in an outsized cowboy hat,
} who shouts "I told ya, don't mess with us, th-th-that's
} all folks, yee effin' haw".  The censor board may pitch
} a fit over the final phrase, but we're prepared to go
} to the mat on this one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a business card reading "The I. Oracle,
} Super-Genius".   And don't worry, you'll come back again,
} as yourself.  Just like last time.  Just like next time.


1362-02    (38glc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I ever change things that I feel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wear rubber gloves.


1362-03    (2cw95 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise,
>
> What exactly is pink lemonade, and how was the idea originated?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Red lemonade is communist lemonade.  Pink lemonade is
} socialist.  The idea is to achieve the goals of Communism
} while avoiding its obviously repulsive aspects.  Red
} lemonade looks like blood, pink like over-diluted
} cranberry juice.
}
} You owe the Oracle an essay comparing the cannibalistic
} metaphors of Christianity in the Transubstantiation of
} the Communion with the sanguine practises of International
} Communism.


1362-04    (47ihe dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does George W. Bush differ from Marie Antoinette?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.
}
} Marie-Antoinette                G. W. Bush
} ==========================      =========================
}
} Raised in Austria, never        Raised in Texas, never
}   quite mastered the              quite mastered the
}   French language                 English language
}
} At her Viennese retreat,        At his Texas retreat,
}   played at being a               plays at being
}   milkmaid                        cowboy
}
} Told the people were            Said "I know how hard it
}   hungry, replied                 is to put food on your
}   "Let them eat cake!"            family!"
}
} Disliked by the French          Disliked by anyone French
}   common people
}
} There you have it. Apparently, G. W. Bush *is* Marie-Antoinette.
}
} You owe the Oracle a slice of brioche.


1362-05    (flf36 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shrdlu?  Shrdlu.  Shrdlu shrdlu shrdlu.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Etaoin!  Etaoin;  Etaoin etaoin etaoin.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Linotype machine from the 1930s...


1362-06    (37igg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who can quaff a scroll of identify,
>
> What's going to be new in Version 4.0.0 of Nethack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many enhancements are in the works, supplicant.
}
} Deity based warfare will become possible.  Imagine the thrill
} of apocalyptic battle among thousands of adherents of Ptah,
} Thoth, and Anhur, in the end settling nothing but leaving many
} corpses for you to plunder.  Also, differently aligned sects of
} a single deity will be introduced, fighting each other as fiercely
} as the infidels who worship something else.  Sects-change will
} in some cases be quite easy; for instance a lawful Mainstream
} Christian can change to a chaotic KKKlansman simply by wearing
} a white -3 Dunce Cap, or a Hostage can change to anything else
} by uttering the magic incantation "oh yes, I see it quite clearly
} now, your holy book is the True Word Of God".  Becoming a Hostage
} can also be quite easy.
}
} Your grovel said more than you knew.  Alchemy will be extended
} to allow the combination of two or more items of any type.
} Impress your friends as you wear your stylish new +2 newt-scale
} fedora.  Or read a scroll of Confuse Katana, or zap a wand of
} Fruit Juice Regeneration.  Potions of Invisible Light will cause
} eyeless adversaries to remain blind.  Slay a certain monster in
} a single blow by wielding Gridbugbane.  Repel sensitive Elves
} with your Throne of Stinking Cloud (make sure to keep plenty
} of Scrolls of Blank Paper nearby).   Watch with amusement as
} an Orc howls in pain from mounting the Beartrap Saddle you left
} sitting innocently atop a peaceful pony.  Lay bets with friends
} as to what a Land Mine Of Tricks, or a Worthless Yellowish Brown
} Stethoscope, or a Hawaiian Shirt Corpse, will do.  (Admittedly
} only the very jaded will take this feature to the extreme of
} creating something like The Two Handed Vorpal Slime Mold of
} Yendor.  But there's something for everyone in this game, no?)
}
} New special levels are under construction.  Temptation Island
} will feature level 20 super-nymphs, -succubi, and -nurses; if
} you are stealthy they may ignore you and continue their activities
} with each other (or alone), but many intrepid adventurers will
} opt to remove their elven boots, not to mention most of their
} other armor (especially their gauntlets of fumbling!), and join
} in the fun.  Booze and bullwhips will be in profusion.  You
} won't accomplish much there except to ruin your Constitution,
} but somehow you'll decide it was worth your time anyway.  Gamble
} away all your gold pieces at Moloch's Casino on this level, and
} don't make the mistake of complaining to the pit boss about the
} obvious cheating by the dealer.  Bring along a dented pot and
} use alchemy on the native fauna to create a Purple Helmeted
} Worm with which to delight many of the denizens.  Also in the
} spirit of this level, a new item of armor, the thong, will be
} introduced; wearing it and nothing else when you arrive at
} Temptation Island will increase your experience in a hurry.
} (The alchemical effects of combining a thong with other items
} such as an amulet of magical breathing are yet to be determined.)
}
} Regrettably, due to trademark hassles, the Dev Team was unable
} to obtain rights to construct a level for Nethack Idol, or for
} Who Wants To Be Ascended.  Curse you Simon and Regis.
}
} A new character class will be available: Gangsta.  To ensure
} game balance, all Gangstas will meet their demise at the hands
} of a member of someone else's posse within the first 100 turns.
} It will certainly be the most challenging character type yet,
} with which to attempt an ascension.
}
} An additional End Level will confront you after you defeat
} Pestilence and his buddies: The Mazes Of Tedium, dozens of
} levels containing twisty little passages that all look alike,
} with special items like Scrolls of Ennui and Wands of Boredom
} and Potions of Whatsthepoint, and with tough monsters like
} Minotaurs that would tear the head off of a level one Footpad
} but should be easy work for a high level character like yours.
} Oh wait, I think this idea is basically somewhere in the game
} already, never mind.
}
} Several new Insta-Deaths will lurk.  Prominent among these
} will be the Scroll of Insta-Death, the Potion of Insta-Death,
} and the Wand of Insta-Death.  Unlike most scrolls, potions and
} wands, their name will be in cleartext and not be randomized
} with the other items.  Avoid reading/quaffing/zapping them.
} Hand one to your quest nemesis and watch the fun.
}
} To improve game balance, Wishing will be made much more
} restrictive.  In particular, you will no longer be able to
} wish for more than one Spellbook of Instant Win.  Sorry guys,
} but it was being abused.  But try wishing up a few Cursed Scrolls
} of Insta-Death instead, they should work pretty much the same.
}
} These are not the only new features I wanted to tell you about,
} but thinking of Maud I forgot everything else.  Beta version
} should be available Real Soon Now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a magic marker.  I get writer's cramp now
} and then.


1362-07    (1cpg6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm so desperate, I'll read anything your omniscience deigns to answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Outside a seedy bar in the wharf district of some island
}    nation. Over head stars shine down through the mosquitoes.
}    The sound of waves is heard at times when the music and
}    fighting ebbs from the bar. Standing there are The Oracle,
}    Captain Hook, and dressed like a pirate, Zadoc. ]
}
} Orrie: How does a pirate pick up a comely pirate lass? We
}         could just tell you, but why do that we can show
}         you?
}
} Hook: Aye, give a man a chick and he has a one night stand,
}        get him a job at Kentucky Fried Chicken and he'll have
}        buckets of left-over thighs, legs and breasts to take
}        home after work each night fer free.
}
} Zadoc: Ewwww.
}
} Orrie: Right. Anyway we've dressed up Zadoc as a pirate and
}         are going to send him into this dive with Hook. Their
}         goal, to board a broad, to get their timbers shivered,
}         to get their gangplanks walked...
}
} Zadoc: Woo-hoo.
}
} [ Inside the bar, it's dark, it's loud. Grizzly men are powering
}    tankards of rum laced ale, all have knives and swords. Hard-
}    looking gals are nursing bottles of gin, saucy waitresses are
}    flitting about with trays full of hardtack and limes. On the
}    stage is a scary, huge man with candles burning in his beard
}    torturing some Jefferson Starship tune w/ an electric guitar.]
}
} Hook: Aye matey, first thing yer must do is project a' air of
}        confidence. Like yer got a bevy of twelve inch guns full
}        of chain shot below yer poop deck.
}
} [ Waitress saunters up. ]
}
} Waitress: Whattawant?
}
} Zadoc: ALL YOUR LOVE!
}
} [ Waitress snaps her gum. ]
}
} Waitress: Two rum laced ales coming up. Back in a sec.
}
} Hook: Your a natural. Now even the toughest old barnacled scow
}        wants to be admired for how she sits in the sea, but
}        yer got to pretend it ain't her cargo yer after, or the
}        way the wind fills her sails, but that you admire the
}        way she's decked out. If you catch me drift laddie.
}
} [ A dizzy drunken fish wife stumbles by, Zadoc reaches out &
}    grabs a handful of her billowing, grimy skirt. ]
}
} Zadoc: Your a sunken chest of gold! The galley of my dreams!
}         Great mast!
}
} [ The fish wife jerks her skirt out of Zadoc's hand & then
}    knocks him out of his chair with a powerful, practiced right
}    hook. By the time Zadoc comes too and crawls back up to the
}    table their ales have arrived. ]
}
} Hook: Yar. You've got the wind to yer aft now Matey. Next yer
}        need to move in for the actual boarding. To raise yer
}        Jolly Roger and let go a broadside, to grapple the ship
}        of yer choice up to yers.
}
} [ The doors fly open and the cops pour in. Contraband flies
}    under the tables, hot guns get tossed in the rafters. Hook
}    takes this opportunity to leap out a nearby window. Later
}    we rejoin him and the Oracle as they stand a safe distance
}    from the paddy wagons as the police load them with the
}    night's catch. Last in line to the pokey is Zadoc, now hand-
}    cuffed to the fish wife. Zadoc sees the Oracle and Hook
}    and gives them a wink and a conspiratorial smirk. ]
}
} Hook: The boy's a regular Don Juan he is.
}
} [ Orrie and Hook wander off as the sun comes up over the
}    horizon, over head sea gulls scream and the sky starts
}    to turn a dark, but brilliant blue. ]


1362-08    (48jhc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a K04n?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} B1FF asked the 1337 Z3N M4573R, "H0W D0 1 4CH13V3 3NL16H73NM3N7?????"
}
} The M4573R replied, "WH47 15 T3H 50UND 0F 1 H4ND CL4PP1N6???"
}
} 4ND 5UDD3NLY B1FF W45 3NL16H73N3D!!!!1!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle some aspirin -- it hurts my head to type like that.


1362-09    (bbdj6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My Dad?  My MOM??  No way!!!!!!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Through the miracle of Tachyon Communication Protocol, we can now read
} email from 2018.  This specimen will be written by a 13 year old
} Michael Graner, son of Charles Graner and Lynddie England, after he
} discovers what his parents got up to in the second War Against Iraq.
}
} Ironically, this email will be written the day before he will receive
} his call-up notice for the ninth War Against Iraq, since the then
} recent vengeance bio-plague will have left too few 14 year olds
} available for the draft, and the 15-25 cohort will still be tied up
} occupying Spain and the Seychelle Islands.
}
} Michael will be later executed for treason after he forgets to include
} the mandated "Praise God and His Chosen Earthly Representative,
} President Jenna" at the end of a letter to his parents.
}
} You owe the Oracle stock in Diebold.  That corporation is going to go
} places for services yet to be rendered.


1362-10    (3in97 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, I guess that standing behind the horse was really
> the wrong thing to do.  Now that my head is reattached
> I'll move over here to the front of the horse.  Nothing
> bad can happen now, unless he bites me.  Horses don't
> have teeth, do they?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, this one doesn't have teeth.  But, unless you pay
} closer attention to where it is going, I think you will
} find that being run over by a Ford Mustang feels equally
} horrible no matter if it is backing up or going forward.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rearview mirror.


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