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Internet Oracularities #1363

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Internet Oracularities #1363    (62 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2004 10:41:30 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1363
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1363  62 votes 5cjk6 1bsf7 1klc8 67nec 17goe 3iqd2 1bjla 29dlh edbae 0bfkg
1363  3.3 mean  3.2   3.3   3.1   3.3   3.7   2.9   3.5   3.7   3.0   3.7


1363-01    (5cjk6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, you that hold our interest, you whose ideas are worth
> saving, you that knows all the secret Swiss Bank Account Numbers,
> you that uses his capital correctly,
>
> What is the best investment strategy for a very violent kitty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An aggressive mew-tual fund.
}
} You owe the Oracle the customary 12b-1 fee.


1363-02    (1bsf7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most alive,
>
> How's Death been treatin' ya?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One aspirin a day, to help keep the arteries unclogged.  A regimen of
} exercises, the principal of which is walking two miles a day.  Special
} shampoo for that wretched dandruff that just won't go away.  Cipro for
} the boil that didn't respond to over-the-counter medication.  Limited
} (but not nonzero) intake of alcohol and caffeine.  Zero intake of
} heroin and nicotine.  Clotrimazole, as needed, for the recurrent
} athlete's foot.
}
} But no Viagra, in case that's what you're thinking.
}
} You ought to give him a try.  He's a really good physician.  Cures
} everything.


1363-03    (1klc8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, so darn nice that he happily gives free legal advice
> that is worth every penny one pays for it and when the Oracle
> sees an ill patient at death's door he gives the doctors the advice
> they need to pull the patient through,
>
> Should I buy insurance for my snails?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends on what type of insurance they require.
}
} Travel insurance: Don't bother. It will take them the entire duration
} of the holiday to get anywhere.
}
} Motoring insurance: Don't bother. They are too slow to do any damage to
} themselves or anything they hit.
}
} Building insurance: Don't bother. A snail without a house is a slug.
}
} Life insurance: Don't bother, unless you're taking them to France.
}
} You owe the Oracle an extended warranty for the Staff of Zot.


1363-04    (67nec dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and powerful and infinitely knowing oracle: Why are blueberries
> blue?
>
> "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23
>
> Being Christian is not proclaiming that you are saved. It is the
> admission that you needed salvation in the first place.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If they were clear the birds would go crazy pecking all over
} the plants trying to find them.
}
}   "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before
}    men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no
}    reward from your Father in heaven."  Matthew 6:1
}
} You owe the Oracle a flock of sparrows and a mustard seed.


1363-05    (17goe dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose brain really is the size of a planet,
>
> What will the forthcoming film version of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to
> the Galaxy" turn out like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well now supplicant, as ever, I'm going to be brutally honest with you.
} In no way at all are Hollywood going to 'Americanise' the plot or the
} script, but are going to keep as close to the original. But Arthur is
} going to be played by Halle Berry, as she's a big crowd puller at the
} moment. Unfortunately, due to her fees and demands, Zaphod is only
} going to have 1 head and half an arm. Neither are there going to be any
} shots from space, as it has been deemed 'tacky' after George Lucas
} ruined it with computerised sfx. To be fair, Ford Prefect remains
} pretty much the same, but he no longer works for the Guide. He is now a
} journalist for a galaxy-wide newspaper firm. And he can fly.
} Marvin, the Paranoid Android, after the success of the radiohead song,
} is now going to be in counselling, to help overcome his problems, and
} will eventually save the day. The producers just didn't feel right
} portraying a major character as a depressant, and want to be fair.
} Slartibartfast is now to be portrayed by Sir Ian McKellan, and will
} remain almost exactly the same, but the mice are now going to be
} Hobbits. Finally, for equality purposes, Trillian's a lesbian.
}
} Hope this didn't spoil anything, and I'll see you at the premier.
} P.S., the Restaurant at the end of the universe. It's a McDonalds.
}
} You owe the oracle a Vietnam movie where the Brits come in to help the
} Americans, and win.


1363-06    (3iqd2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Will another other [        ] be released?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And in response, thus spake the Oracle
}
} Dear supplicant,
}
} You bet.  Blanks are continually released to the world by the process
} of typing, an activity not uncommon around computers.  They are often
} found between
} wordsasitisverydifficulttounderstandwhatIamtypingwhenidosolikethis. It
} isn't much better when you are omniscient, and understand what the poor
} sap is about to type.
}
} You owe the Oracle a diamond-studded 105 key UK keyboard, a DVD of
} every trashy summer movie you didn't care to watch, and a jumbo serving
} of popcorn.
}
} Yours ever,
} --
} Orrie


1363-07    (1bjla dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle wiser than the ages,
> What's the difference between a mature teenager
> and a mature cheese?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you well know 'mature teenager' is a contradiction in
} terms. Like a 'virgin mother' or 'plastic glass', an old
} comic device at best. Let's see how can we salvage this
} question. How about ten ways cheese and teenagers are
} alike?
}
} 1. Both will start to smell funny if left to their own
}     devices. (Boys like B.O., girls like goofy perfume).
} 2. Both have pits and holes on the face.
} 3. Both were recently dependent on milk for their essence.
}
} erm,
}
} 4. Both are bad for the heart.
} 5. Both are in the refrigerator for hours on end.
} 6. Both are fun in a sandwich situation... no, wait.
}     Erm, both are found in pizza parlors.
} 7. Neither one should be allowed to drive a car.
} 8. Dogs don't turn their nose up at either one
}     even if they've been lying on the kitchen
}     floor for quite a while.'
}
} Erm, let's see...
}
} 9. Both jiggle around real weird if place on top
}     of a booming speaker blasting some god-awful
}     trendy music at a party full of posers and
}     predators.
} 10. The incarnation typing this couldn't get
}      either to go to the prom with him in High
}      School.
}
} HEY! HEY... Look if you think. Whoa. So that's
} the Zot staff I take it. Hmm.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dictaphone and a grilled
} cheese sandwich.


1363-08    (29dlh dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greatest Oracle, who can be cooked in three minutes,
>
> Lately my ramen has started including fridge magnets in each case.
>
> I eat ramen for sustainence.  Why would I have a fridge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's called irony.
}
} Like tobacco companies putting their logo on sportswear.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of beer and a car.


1363-09    (edbae dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the question ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, What is the shortstop.


1363-10    (0bfkg dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to determine the correct ratio of Jim Beam to Jack
> Daniels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you're worried about that you haven't had enough of either.
}
} You owe the Oracle a month of fifths.


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