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Internet Oracularities #1364

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Internet Oracularities #1364    (55 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 2004 10:44:30 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1364
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1364  55 votes 19hj9 5gm84 79he8 7hfd3 14cki 2agm5 44hl9 29bif 1fld5 26fgg
1364  3.3 mean  3.5   2.8   3.1   2.8   3.9   3.3   3.5   3.6   3.1   3.7


1364-01    (19hj9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty conglomerate of conciousness, oh paralyzingly powerful
> partnership of psyches, aid me with this quandry...
>
> My neighborhood is changing all around me.  My house is surrounded by
> mini-malls and cheap apartments now.  No one seems to live here for
> more than a couple of years before selling to a freshly rootless party
> and moving on.
>
> I travel a lot and see this everywhere.
>
> Tell me, is the concept of comunity a concept past?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What are you complaining about?  Five years ago, I had to walk all the
} way downstairs for a cup of coffee.  Nowadays, I only have to walk
} to Starbucks, three of which I pass by on the way to the bathroom.
} And who needs long-lasting neighbors, anyway?  After a while, spying
} on the same people gets boring.  Not that I would know, of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new pair of binoculars, to...go birdwatching.


1364-02    (5gm84 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most divine,
>
> I hope you've learned to stop picking your nose.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not only have I learned--I learned from one of the best.  Tony was such
} a wonderful person, supportive, charming, and interesting to listen to.
}  He made a real difference in my life!
}
} -------
} [V.O.]:  Now you, too, can own Tony Salassin's three-part series, "The
} Nose Knows!" on VHS or DVD!  Tony's charm and wit will have you
} laughing, and his message will have you thinking critically about your
} own nasal problems. You'll be amazed at the results as you literally
} *forget* to pick your nose.  Order today!
}
} [V.O., very rapidly]:  This message has been a paid advertisement for
} Tony Salassin's "The Nose Knows!"
} ------
}
} You owe the Oracle $59.85, in three easy monthly installments of
} $19.95, plus shipping and handling.


1364-03    (79he8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, the merest sight of whom shall cause this
> unworthy supplicant to claw out his own putrid eyes in a
> great and terrible moment of sheer awe and admiration,
>
> I know about the first one.  What happened to the other 12?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So you already heard about Judas, eh?  I guess that
} one is pretty famous.  Well, this isn't pretty, but
} you asked:
}
} Simon Peter - Crucified upside-down, at his own
} request.  Ouch!
}
} James - executed a few years after the death of Jesus
} for the crime of eating sand
}
} Flabbius - alcohol poisoning
}
} Simon the Canaanite - respiratory paralysis, caused by
} overdose of anokhi mushroom
}
} James Alpheus - sneezed for 2 months straight in 67 AD
} before committing suicide
}
} Thomas - quietly smothered in his bed for promoting
} the use of then-unknown "English muffins" in place of
} eucharist
}
} Jessica - put to death by the other apostles.  Not
} because she was a woman, but because her name ended in
} a vowel.
}
} Matthew - cholera.  Not very martyr-like, but there
} you go.
}
} Bartholomew - poisoned tomato in salad
}
} Philip - although his name means "lover of horses,"
} let's just say his death involved tigers, and leave it
} at that.
}
} Andrew - got infection from splinter caused by
} constant carrying of piece of True Cross
}
} John - still extant, currently known as Mary-Kate
} Olsen
}
} You owe the Oracle the Holy Grail and a newspaper
} spoon.


1364-04    (7hfd3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If cheese & onion crisps became compulsory
> what would the world be like?
> I also like the taste of cheese & chive crisps.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If by "the world" you mean "human arteries," the
} answer is "extremely hard and clogged."
}
} If, however, by "the world" you mean, potato chip
} factory owners, the answer is "extremely wealthy."
}
} Look for this new legislation in the United Stated of
} America this fall.  It will be called The
}
} Absolutely
} Necessary
} Totally
} Important
} -
} Timely
} Erosion of
} Reasonably
} Required
} Obstacles to
} Rigged elections
}
} Act.  Most of the bill is about making it unlawful to
} vote for anyone other than the current sitting
} President, but there's some good nuggets for the
} potato kingpins in there, too.
}
} You owe the Oracle some sour cream.


1364-05    (14cki dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> how do quantum computers work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, I told you where they were just a minute ago,
} you can't know that AND how they're working now can
} you?
}
} You owe the Oracle some tachyon post-it notes.


1364-06    (2agm5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> My sister Mellifliuna is getting married to a prince
> on Saturday.  I'd like to stop the service, because I
> know that neither of them is emotionally ready for
> marriage.  How can I do this without shaming my
> family?
>
> Thanks,
> Pinky

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Pinky:
}       Before I go into this, keep in mind that the measures I
} mention below are sinister, underhanded acts; some of them involve
} outright crimes.  These kinds of things should not be done
} haphazardly, and you must not allow any of the truly reprehensible
} acts to be traced back to you.  Once you can accept that your tight
} schedule has mandated the use of drastic methods, you are ready for...
}
} ...the TOP TEN WAYS TO PREVENT MELLIFLIUNA'S MARRIAGE TO THE PRINCE
} WITHOUT SHAMING MELLIFLIUNA'S FAMILY:
}
} 10.   Kill Mellifliuna.  This is your least desirable option, but it
} will work.
} 9.    Kill the prince.  Not a very attractive option, but better
} than #10.
} 8.    Kidnap Mellifliuna.  Keep in mind that she might die trying to
} escape.
} 7.    Kidnap the prince.  Again, better than #8.
} 6.    Induce some other tragedy in Mellifliuna's family that will
} force Mellifliuna to postpone the wedding.  You could kill her
} favorite uncle, for example.  Again, not a very desirable option.
} 5.    Induce some other tragedy in the prince's family that will
} force the prince to postpone the wedding.  Better his family than
} yours.
} 4.    Smear the prince publicly.  Imagine the prince is found in a
} seedy motel room, loaded on cocaine with a murdered prostitute; he
} will be the chief suspect, and he will be unable to get out of police
} custody.
} 3.    Find some way to make the prince's faults blindingly obvious
} to Mellifliuna, such that Mellifliuna will refuse to marry him.  You
} said that he was immature; find some way to get him to demonstrate to
} Mellifliuna why this immaturity makes him unsuitable.
} 2.    Induce a big fight between Mellifluina and the prince.  If
} they are as immature as you claim, they'll stay too angry to marry
} each other.
}
} And the NUMBER ONE WAY TO PREVENT MELLIFLIUNA'S MARRIAGE TO THE PRINCE
} WITHOUT SHAMING MELLIFLIUNA'S FAMILY:
}
} 1.    Shipwreck the prince and Mellifliuna on a deserted island
} where they won't be found until they are mature enough for marriage
} (presumably several years).  Either their relationship will ripen and
} blossom into a mature, adult partnership, or they will get so sick of
} each other that marriage will be out of the question.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a screenplay based on method #1, featuring
} lots of skin; plus an apology for making me type your sister's
} cockamamie name over and over again.


1364-07    (44hl9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Racle,
>
> It has come to my attention that you have had
> "Bed-Wetting: Beat It Through Self-Hypnosis" checked out
> of our library for over nine years.  Will you be able
> to return the item this week?
>
> Sincerely Yours,
> Mr. Liber

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How absurd. That doesn't sound like anything I would take out. But...
} there's something about this message that rings a bell. Nine years?
} Why, that's just the length of time since... Oh dear.
}
} ZADOC!!!
}
} (Zadoc makes his usual entry on his knees, bowing profusely.)
}
} Zadoc: You summoned me, O He of Wit More Acerbic Than Simon Cowell?
}
} Oracle: I did. You have been in my service for nine years, is that
} true?
}
} Zadoc: O Most Omnitemporal One, it has indeed been nine years during
} which I have been most honoured to serve you, every femtosecond of
} which has been ecstatic far beyond my due!
}
} Oracle [sighing]: Zadoc, a simple yes would suffice. Does this library
} message mean anything to you?
}
} Zadoc: Nothing at all! It's a filthy lie! I've never heard of such a
} volume in all my life!
}
} Oracle: So you expect me to believe it's a coincidence that this book
} was borrowed from the library on the very day you arrived here?
}
} Zadoc [breaking into sobs]: All right! It's true! It's true! I borrowed
} the book so I could stop my bed-wetting problem. I thought it was
} unworthy that a priest of yours would still wet the bed.
}
} Oracle: So have you stopped yet?
}
} Zadoc: Well, um, the results have been... that is to say, uh, progress
} has been mixed and... it's, um, an ongoing progress, so, er, actually,
} um, no.
}
} Oracle: No? After nine years?
}
} Zadoc: Forgive me, O Most Benevolent Master! I thought it would be easy
} to beat the problem, but the hypnosis hasn't quite gone to plan.
}
} Oracle: The hypnosis didn't work?
}
} Zadoc: Er, sort of. Sometimes I think I'm a woodchuck.
}
} Oracle: YOU ROTTING PILE OF LEMUR FUR! HOW DARE YOU MENTION THAT WORD
} IN FRONT OF ME!
}
} (Zadoc collapses in a heap, wetting his pants.)
}
} Oracle: Oh, gods. Get out, worm!
}
} (The Oracle snaps his fingers at a passing cleaner. Zadoc immediately
} jumps onto all fours, looking for pieces of wood to throw.)
}
} Oracle [burying his face in his hands]: I stepped right into that one,
} didn't I?
}
} (Zadoc continues his unctuous movement around the room. The Oracle
} picks up his staff.)
}
}                                  ** ZOT **
}
} Ahem.
}
} Dear Mr. Liber,
} Apologies for the extended borrowing of the aforementioned book. One of
} my priests is still attempting to follow the course prescribed in same,
} and is expected to have the book out for the foreseeable future.  Given
} that I'm omniscient, that's a pretty darn long time.
}
} Regards,
} The Oracle.
}
} P.S. You owe... actually, I guess I owe you a big fine, don't I?


1364-08    (29bif dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Vocabularyful,
>
> Which of these ten words does not belong?
>
>   1. defenestration
>   2. serendipity
>   3. onomatopoeia
>   4. discombobulate
>   5. plethora
>   6. callipygian
>   7. juxtapose
>   8. persnickety
>   9. kerfuffle
>  10. flibbertigibbet

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Discombobulated by the kerfuffle, the persnickety flibbertigibbet
} practiced defenestration, only by serendipity landing on a plethora of
} callipygian pigs, and onomatopoetically whoomping"
}
} The word that doesn't belong is "juxtapose", because it's the only one
} that doesn't relate to your immediate future.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pecuniary allotment of remuneration.  But be sure
} to bathe first.


1364-09    (1fld5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, explicator of all that is disturbing and
> confusing, can you explain to me this dream?
>
> I dreamed I saw the bomber death planes riding shotgun
> in my sky.  Then they turned into butterflies above
> our nation.  Was the dream beamed to me by a satellite?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This dream of yours is shockingly similar to Nostradamus's 42nd
} Quatrain, which reads:
}
} "And Lo! the black eagles flew in from the north,
} "Laying waste to the cities with their unholy eggs.
} "Into cocoons like locusts they went,
} "And they emerged as things of beauty."
}
} Scholars debated this quatrain for several centuries, until 1863, when
} they generally agreed that it came to pass with the Battle of
} Gettysburg.  The "unholy eggs", they reasoned, were canonballs flying
} across the battlefield, and "emerg[ing] as things of beauty" referred
} of course to the freeing of the slaves.
}
} However, recent research indicates that several of Nostradamus's
} quatrains were erased and replaced with newer visions on his deathbed,
} and that the 42nd was one of these replacements.  The unifying thread
} in these later revisions was that an aged Nostradamus experienced them
} mainly as a side effect of senility, unlike his other prophecies, and
} generally tended to refer to ordinary people who will in the end have
} no impact on the world.  So it is entirely possible that your dream was
} merely the true meaning of this cryptic prophecy.  See also the 66th
} Quatrain:
}
} "And behold, Tom Evans will wake up late for work on a Thursday in
}  April,
} "He will have to decide if he has time for breakfast.
} "He will have a bagel on the train,
} "But he will not enjoy its taste."
}
} Answering your second question, yes, but NASA and the Coca-Cola
} Corporation will deny it to the end of the earth.  And that's all the
} Oracle is really at liberty to tell you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Coke and a book on lepidoptery.


1364-10    (26fgg dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between a woman's diary and what
> she says to your face?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Her diary says what she likes and does not like.
} She says to your face what she likes, what she does not like and what
} you should do to fix it.


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