Goto:

1365, 1365-01, 1365-02, 1365-03, 1365-04, 1365-05, 1365-06, 1365-07, 1365-08, 1365-09, 1365-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> P?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NP. } } You owe the Oracle a proof one way or the other.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, that's the way down.  Before you go, be sure you've got yor d with } you, your wearing your ] and have plenty of % so you don't get hungry. } } You owe the Oracle a ! of booze.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who can hold a thousand jobs at one time and still be > able to work some overtime hours, > > They say crime doesn't pay.  Does that mean my job is a crime?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, your boss's, since he doesn't pay.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest Oracle, what was the best movie of 203?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, it so happens that none of the movies produced in 203 C.E. } were very good.  But there were only seven of them anyway (those } ancient numerologists loved the number seven...), so I've just provided } capsule summaries for all of the movies made that year, and you can } decide on the best one yourself. } -------------------------- } } Mr. Caesar Goes to Rome } } A new adaptation of the classic tale, this film provides a look at the } election of an ordinary general and his experiences dealing with the } corruption of the political scene at the Forum.  See it and you'll } agree that Brutus really knew how to end a filibuster. } -------------------------- } } 201: A Mathematical Odyssey } } Chronicling the life of Diophantus of Alexandria, this film chronicles } the writing of his most famous work, Arithemtica, and the tragic fall } later in life in which he went insane trying to find coded messages } from God hidden within algebraic equations. } -------------------------- } } The LORD of the Rinks: The Return of the King } } Some may find a movie in which Jesus of Nazareth returns to Earth to } become a roller-skating champion to be in bad taste, but this is } actually a hilarious film, and probably the world's first comedy.  In } particular, this film pioneered the following staple jokes: }    1) Mistaking a chamber pot full of urine for a urn full of beer }    2) Spinning really fast until you puke, and }    3) Throwing a stick at the feet of a roller-skating Son of God for } the purpose of tripping him. } -------------------------- } } A Thin Red Lion } } One of the first documentary films, this provides an in-depth look at } the misfortune of those who end up being eaten in the Arena while } looking for a nice suite to stay in on their vacations. } -------------------------- } } JHC } } This film presents a conspiracy theory about the death of Jesus, } implicating several Roman officials and shedding doubt on many aspects } of the Pilate Report.  After seeing this film, you too will wonder how } the True Cross could have been broken and sold as so many different } pieces. } -------------------------- } } Across the Mediterranean in 80 Days } } While not as impressive in scope as the later novel by Verne, with the } modes of travel available at the time this is truly an incredible } undertaking.  Unfortunately, as the whole of the journey is made by } ship and hence at sea, the film version contains none of the odd } conveyances and exploration of strange lands that made the later } version interesting. } -------------------------- } } There's Something About Mary and Joseph } } This turns the true story of the lives of Jesus' parents into a comedy. } Highlights include Joseph having "drawstring problems" when pulling } his pants up and the ever popular scene when Mary mistakes Joseph's } semen for the hair gel sent by the Magi.  Yes, Joseph was blasphemous, } but he presents the rationalization that it's okay for him to do it } since Mary was getting it on with the man upstairs. } -------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle twenty bucks for the rental fees accrued while } writing these reviews.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My friends and I were in a big multiplayer game, and one of us played > Show and Tell. I put out Humility, player 2 put out Opalescence, > player 3 put out Mycosynth Lattice, player 4 put out Titania's Song, > and player 5 put out a Lifeline, and Dark Ritual was already on the > table. > > What do you think happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once again you didn't have a date for Friday night. } } You owe the Oracle a mint julep.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful and vivacious Internet Oracle. > > Whose trash is always worthy of me pillaging through. > > Please tell me. > > Can you give me $1.00 worth of good advise? > > Wait...20, 25, 50, 75, 80, 81, 82, 83.. > > Okay, 83 cents worth of good advise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's supposed to be a dollar, so how about if I leave a few } words out to keep the cost down? } } When you are about to ~~~ a comely ~~~, always make sure } her ~~~ are out of the way. } } The ~~~ ones are always poisonous. } } "~~~ ~~~ ~~~" is NOT a good pick-up line. } } No, if it ~~~ when you ~~~ it, you should probably see someone } about it. } } Not everyone is into ~~~ with a ~~~. } } It's ~~~ if it doesn't move. } } House cats are very good substitutes if your ~~~ is broken. } } Butter is not good for ~~~. } } Under no circumstances mistake the vacuum cleaner for a ~~~. } } Fire ants are attracted to the scent of ~~~. } } ~~~ should not wear lipstick. } } You owe the Oracle (that's ME - XXX!!!) a new wallet - this one's } empty.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Letting the ZOTs go by > Letting the woodchucks hold me > Letting the ZOTs go by > Woodchucks flowing under > Into the queue again > After the digest's forgotten > Once in a tellme > Woodchucks flowing under

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tellme isn't holding we } Tellme isn't after askme } Letting the queue go by } Letting the queue go byebye } You may find yourself byte by byte } You may find yourself at another website } You may find yourself at the console of a large cpu-cluster, } You may find yourself with a beautiful server, with a wide net-pipe, } You may ask yourself, "how did I log in here?" } ... } } You may ask yourself "where is this server?" } You may ask yourself "where does this tcp session go?" } You may ask yourself "am I encrypted or cleartext?" } You may ask yourself "Dear God, where is the UNDO button?" } ... } } 10 Same as it ever was, } 20 Same as it ever was, } 30 GOTO 10 ... } } You owe the Oracle a really big suit(tm).

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous pearl of knowledge, oh lord of words and brains... > > I have fallen in love with a most beautiful duck who has > recently moved into the neighbourhood, and I urgently need an > excellent love song with which to woo and serenade her, preferably > one that rhymes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O most noble Anatidae, O most adonic duck, } The least of all thy feathers I am not worthy to pluck } I lay my coat before thee lest thou steppest in the muck } I would not ask thee questions like how much woodchucks could chuck } Thine appearance is astounding; with thy comeliness I'm struck } Thy voice is more appealing than some barnyard chicken's cluck } I gaze upon thy radiance; I wish that with some luck } I could complete this verse, but for a rhyme I'm stuck.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Fiber-rich, > > Am I correct in understanding that the role of your Priests is > to separate the wheat from the chaff, and then Oracularize the > chaff?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no. That wouldn't account for the occasional funny one making the } Digests. The Digests are selected by throwing darts. It's hell on the } monitors, but much easier than actually reading the damn things.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a tough question, one whose answer cannot be fully appreciated } without a long and difficult journey. } } First, you need to download the sources for the Linux kernel, } version 2.4.24.  Grep the source tree for the word "chocolate", and } concatenate all the line numbers that that word appears on (in order) } to form one big number.  Memorize that number.  Wait until Thursday, } then step outside at 3:20 PM.  Set your watch to start beeping after } two hours, and stick your thumb out when a red minivan goes by. } The soccer mom will step out, point a gun at you, and order you to } get inside.  Once she's tied you up, wait for your watch to go off. } When it does, she'll think that the bomb in the glove compartment } is about to go off and pull over to disarm it.  Use the opportunity } to grab the knife under the middle seat belt and cut your bonds. } While she's still distracted, run up to the white, two-story building } that you should be nearby.  A guard at the front door will ask for } the password: repeat the number you memorized.  Then he will ask } you for your ID card, but he will be off his guard, giving you time } to slit his throat, making sure not to get blood on the uniform. } Put on his uniform, and walk inside.  Take the first left, and walk } down the hall until you see a lab with a red door.  Enter, and take } the prototype pocket blowtorch off one of the tables.  Go out the } back door of the building, jump into the river, and float downstream } until you see a big sewer pipe emptying into the river, which you } should enter.  Take the third right, then the first left, and find } a manhole overhead.  You should hear "Hail to the Chief" playing. } Use the blowtorch to cut around the rim of the manhole (time your } work to finish when "Hail to the Chief" finishes), and a person with } a briefcase should fall through.  Grab the briefcase and push him } into the sludge.  The code for the lock is the President's birthday. } Discard the phone assembly, being very careful not to press any of the } buttons, and feel around the bottom of the briefcase for a catch that } will release the false bottom, which you will now be able to remove. } Look inside. } } That's what. } } Of course, you'll only have a couple minutes before the Secret Service } arrests you, but that's what you get for asking your question without } grovelling. } } You owe the Oracle the use of the word "rutabaga" during your testimony } at your trial.