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Internet Oracularities #1365

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Internet Oracularities #1365    (60 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 11 Jul 2004 10:37:53 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1365
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1365  60 votes 4ieea 8aig8 58jl7 66bji 1amgb 07frb 2im8a 39fo9 34ibo 24dni
1365  3.4 mean  3.1   3.1   3.3   3.6   3.4   3.7   3.1   3.5   3.8   3.9


1365-01    (4ieea dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> P?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NP.
}
} You owe the Oracle a proof one way or the other.


1365-02    (8aig8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, that's the way down.  Before you go, be sure you've got yor d with
} you, your wearing your ] and have plenty of % so you don't get hungry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ! of booze.


1365-03    (58jl7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who can hold a thousand jobs at one time and still be
> able to work some overtime hours,
>
> They say crime doesn't pay.  Does that mean my job is a crime?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, your boss's, since he doesn't pay.


1365-04    (66bji dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest Oracle, what was the best movie of 203?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, it so happens that none of the movies produced in 203 C.E.
} were very good.  But there were only seven of them anyway (those
} ancient numerologists loved the number seven...), so I've just provided
} capsule summaries for all of the movies made that year, and you can
} decide on the best one yourself.
} --------------------------
}
} Mr. Caesar Goes to Rome
}
} A new adaptation of the classic tale, this film provides a look at the
} election of an ordinary general and his experiences dealing with the
} corruption of the political scene at the Forum.  See it and you'll
} agree that Brutus really knew how to end a filibuster.
} --------------------------
}
} 201: A Mathematical Odyssey
}
} Chronicling the life of Diophantus of Alexandria, this film chronicles
} the writing of his most famous work, Arithemtica, and the tragic fall
} later in life in which he went insane trying to find coded messages
} from God hidden within algebraic equations.
} --------------------------
}
} The LORD of the Rinks: The Return of the King
}
} Some may find a movie in which Jesus of Nazareth returns to Earth to
} become a roller-skating champion to be in bad taste, but this is
} actually a hilarious film, and probably the world's first comedy.  In
} particular, this film pioneered the following staple jokes:
}    1) Mistaking a chamber pot full of urine for a urn full of beer
}    2) Spinning really fast until you puke, and
}    3) Throwing a stick at the feet of a roller-skating Son of God for
} the purpose of tripping him.
} --------------------------
}
} A Thin Red Lion
}
} One of the first documentary films, this provides an in-depth look at
} the misfortune of those who end up being eaten in the Arena while
} looking for a nice suite to stay in on their vacations.
} --------------------------
}
} JHC
}
} This film presents a conspiracy theory about the death of Jesus,
} implicating several Roman officials and shedding doubt on many aspects
} of the Pilate Report.  After seeing this film, you too will wonder how
} the True Cross could have been broken and sold as so many different
} pieces.
} --------------------------
}
} Across the Mediterranean in 80 Days
}
} While not as impressive in scope as the later novel by Verne, with the
} modes of travel available at the time this is truly an incredible
} undertaking.  Unfortunately, as the whole of the journey is made by
} ship and hence at sea, the film version contains none of the odd
} conveyances and exploration of strange lands that made the later
} version interesting.
} --------------------------
}
} There's Something About Mary and Joseph
}
} This turns the true story of the lives of Jesus' parents into a comedy.
} Highlights include Joseph having "drawstring problems" when pulling
} his pants up and the ever popular scene when Mary mistakes Joseph's
} semen for the hair gel sent by the Magi.  Yes, Joseph was blasphemous,
} but he presents the rationalization that it's okay for him to do it
} since Mary was getting it on with the man upstairs.
} --------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty bucks for the rental fees accrued while
} writing these reviews.


1365-05    (1amgb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My friends and I were in a big multiplayer game, and one of us played
> Show and Tell. I put out Humility, player 2 put out Opalescence,
> player 3 put out Mycosynth Lattice, player 4 put out Titania's Song,
> and player 5 put out a Lifeline, and Dark Ritual was already on the
> table.
>
> What do you think happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once again you didn't have a date for Friday night.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mint julep.


1365-06    (07frb dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful and vivacious Internet Oracle.
>
> Whose trash is always worthy of me pillaging through.
>
> Please tell me.
>
> Can you give me $1.00 worth of good advise?
>
> Wait...20, 25, 50, 75, 80, 81, 82, 83..
>
> Okay, 83 cents worth of good advise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's supposed to be a dollar, so how about if I leave a few
} words out to keep the cost down?
}
} When you are about to ~~~ a comely ~~~, always make sure
} her ~~~ are out of the way.
}
} The ~~~ ones are always poisonous.
}
} "~~~ ~~~ ~~~" is NOT a good pick-up line.
}
} No, if it ~~~ when you ~~~ it, you should probably see someone
} about it.
}
} Not everyone is into ~~~ with a ~~~.
}
} It's ~~~ if it doesn't move.
}
} House cats are very good substitutes if your ~~~ is broken.
}
} Butter is not good for ~~~.
}
} Under no circumstances mistake the vacuum cleaner for a ~~~.
}
} Fire ants are attracted to the scent of ~~~.
}
} ~~~ should not wear lipstick.
}
} You owe the Oracle (that's ME - XXX!!!) a new wallet - this one's
} empty.


1365-07    (2im8a dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Letting the ZOTs go by
> Letting the woodchucks hold me
> Letting the ZOTs go by
> Woodchucks flowing under
> Into the queue again
> After the digest's forgotten
> Once in a tellme
> Woodchucks flowing under

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tellme isn't holding we
} Tellme isn't after askme
} Letting the queue go by
} Letting the queue go byebye
} You may find yourself byte by byte
} You may find yourself at another website
} You may find yourself at the console of a large cpu-cluster,
} You may find yourself with a beautiful server, with a wide net-pipe,
} You may ask yourself, "how did I log in here?"
} ...
}
} You may ask yourself "where is this server?"
} You may ask yourself "where does this tcp session go?"
} You may ask yourself "am I encrypted or cleartext?"
} You may ask yourself "Dear God, where is the UNDO button?"
} ...
}
} 10 Same as it ever was,
} 20 Same as it ever was,
} 30 GOTO 10 ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a really big suit(tm).


1365-08    (39fo9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous pearl of knowledge, oh lord of words and brains...
>
> I have fallen in love with a most beautiful duck who has
> recently moved into the neighbourhood, and I urgently need an
> excellent love song with which to woo and serenade her, preferably
> one that rhymes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O most noble Anatidae, O most adonic duck,
} The least of all thy feathers I am not worthy to pluck
} I lay my coat before thee lest thou steppest in the muck
} I would not ask thee questions like how much woodchucks could chuck
} Thine appearance is astounding; with thy comeliness I'm struck
} Thy voice is more appealing than some barnyard chicken's cluck
} I gaze upon thy radiance; I wish that with some luck
} I could complete this verse, but for a rhyme I'm stuck.


1365-09    (34ibo dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Fiber-rich,
>
> Am I correct in understanding that the role of your Priests is
> to separate the wheat from the chaff, and then Oracularize the
> chaff?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no. That wouldn't account for the occasional funny one making the
} Digests. The Digests are selected by throwing darts. It's hell on the
} monitors, but much easier than actually reading the damn things.


1365-10    (24dni dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a tough question, one whose answer cannot be fully appreciated
} without a long and difficult journey.
}
} First, you need to download the sources for the Linux kernel,
} version 2.4.24.  Grep the source tree for the word "chocolate", and
} concatenate all the line numbers that that word appears on (in order)
} to form one big number.  Memorize that number.  Wait until Thursday,
} then step outside at 3:20 PM.  Set your watch to start beeping after
} two hours, and stick your thumb out when a red minivan goes by.
} The soccer mom will step out, point a gun at you, and order you to
} get inside.  Once she's tied you up, wait for your watch to go off.
} When it does, she'll think that the bomb in the glove compartment
} is about to go off and pull over to disarm it.  Use the opportunity
} to grab the knife under the middle seat belt and cut your bonds.
} While she's still distracted, run up to the white, two-story building
} that you should be nearby.  A guard at the front door will ask for
} the password: repeat the number you memorized.  Then he will ask
} you for your ID card, but he will be off his guard, giving you time
} to slit his throat, making sure not to get blood on the uniform.
} Put on his uniform, and walk inside.  Take the first left, and walk
} down the hall until you see a lab with a red door.  Enter, and take
} the prototype pocket blowtorch off one of the tables.  Go out the
} back door of the building, jump into the river, and float downstream
} until you see a big sewer pipe emptying into the river, which you
} should enter.  Take the third right, then the first left, and find
} a manhole overhead.  You should hear "Hail to the Chief" playing.
} Use the blowtorch to cut around the rim of the manhole (time your
} work to finish when "Hail to the Chief" finishes), and a person with
} a briefcase should fall through.  Grab the briefcase and push him
} into the sludge.  The code for the lock is the President's birthday.
} Discard the phone assembly, being very careful not to press any of the
} buttons, and feel around the bottom of the briefcase for a catch that
} will release the false bottom, which you will now be able to remove.
} Look inside.
}
} That's what.
}
} Of course, you'll only have a couple minutes before the Secret Service
} arrests you, but that's what you get for asking your question without
} grovelling.
}
} You owe the Oracle the use of the word "rutabaga" during your testimony
} at your trial.


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