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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how many woodchucks would it take to screw in a lightbulb? > Why did the woodchuck cross the street? > How can you measure the hight of a tall building w/ a woodchuck? > How many woodchucks does it take to fill up a phonebooth? > What is the total population of woodchucks in our multiverse? > What are the chances of falling into a polymorph trap, changeing into a >   woodchuck, on the oracle level? > Is there a code to unlock a woodchuck skin in Q3A Gold Ed.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >how many woodchucks would it take to screw in a lightbulb? } } Woodchucks lack the capacity to screw in light bulbs. Mostly because } they're too small and have no manual dexterity, but partly also because } I switch the light on while they're trying, just to see 240 volts go } through them. } } >Why did the woodchuck cross the street? } } In a futile attempt to escape me. It didn't work -- the rodent was run } over by a bus. } } >How can you measure the hight of a tall building w/ a woodchuck? } } Drop the woodchuck from the top of the building, and time how long it } takes to reach the ground. The formula 4.9*t^2, where t is time in } seconds, gives the approximate height in metres. In order to reduce } experimental error, I'd recommend repeating the experiment at least a } dozen times. } } >How many woodchucks does it take to fill up a phonebooth? } } At least a thousand. More if some of the woodchucks have been used to } measure the height of tall buildings. } } >What is the total population of woodchucks in our multiverse? } } Twenty-three trillion and six, (*splat*) twenty-three trillion and five } (*splat*), twenty-three trillion and four (*splat*)... } } >What are the chances of falling into a polymorph trap, changeing into } >a woodchuck, on the oracle level? } } Blimey. Assuming no polymorph control, lycanthropy, vampirism, dragon } scale armor or magic resistance, there's a four-fifths chance of } changing form on a polymorph trap, times three-fifths chance that the } Oracle level is deep enough for polymorph traps (ignoring the } possibility of bones files), times one-seventh (approximately) chance } that one of the three random traps is a polymorph trap, and with 274 } possible forms to polymorph into, that makes about 1 chance in 4000. } Assuming you find the trap. That's a lot of assumptions. } } Actually the chance is zero, since I used the scroll I found in } Asidonhopo's general store to genocide woodchucks. } } >Is there a code to unlock a woodchuck skin in Q3A Gold Ed.? } } I think you've pushed your luck far enough. Seven woodchuck questions } and no grovel? } } *ZOT!* } } You owe the Oracle some time spent using woodchucks to measure the } heights of skyscrapers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle dude, > > Can I use the word "tits" here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the sole condition that your discussion is limited to ornithology. } } You owe the Oracle two boobies.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the world's best book?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The world's best book is run by James "The Chiahuahua" Pallonzi } of Kokomo Indiana. He used to be called Jimmy Bulldog but with the } advent of SSRIs, his perspective on things is much softer, and so } are his lines. } } Whereas he used to convince his "clients" with lead pipes and shear } force delivered to the digits of the left hand, nowadays even people } who owe him 25 large get but a scented reminder in a pastel envelope. } } James will be visited soon by Angelo "Green Fingers" from Indianapolis, } so make your bets quickly. } } You owe The Oracle a grovel next time... capisce?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, your powers are limited only by your even more awesome powers. > > What is the best massively multiplayer game for sale today and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have I got a game for you!  Picture this. } }   - Perfectly rendered 3D images of the players around you, with the }     most realistic backdrops you've ever seen in a game. } }   - High fidelity surround sound; no hissing or popping, unless you }     happen to be chewing bubble gum or attending a Dick Cheney speech. } }   - Worldwide availablilty!  No broadband connections needed.  Wherever }     you happen to be, whatever time it is, the game is accessible. } }   - Unlimited player options!  Do you want to be President of the }     United States?  Premier of Canada?  Supreme Dictator of Cuba?  Get }     used to disappointment.  But you can try to be anything you want to }     be.  And if you fail, there's always the Army. } }   - Unlimited vocabulary!  No limited command sets in this game.  You }     can use natural language to control the game and communicate with }     the other players.  See how well you can avoid misunderstandings }     while working with an ambiguous context-sensitive language! } }   - Flexible Save Options!  Install the optional Spousal Memory Unit }     and everything you ever do will be recorded for instant playback at }     a moment's notice! } } Do you want it?  Do you have to have it?  Then you are ready for the } latest release from Oracular Software: } }                           REAL LIFE (TM) !!!! } } And best of all, the base module is FREE!  Optional offspring module } comes for only US $4,000, plus about $20,000 over the next 18 years for } food, clothing, education, and soccer camp, and then another $100,000 } for college costs.  What a deal!  Order NOW!!!! } } Operators are standing by to take your order.  Call (812) 8MY-LIFE.  We } accept any credit card, debit card, or bank account number for accounts } containing at least $10,000.  Monetary transactions outsourced to } Nigeria.  All rights and wrongs reserved.  Coupons accepted only from } residents of the 900 block of Elm Street, Emporia, Kansas.  Order now } before the FBI closes us down!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think gravity just inverted.  Did you notice it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                                                    .oN {

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Musically Inclined, if not downright Bent, > > I'm the second chair cellist in a punk-oriented all-female > swing band.  Currently we call ourselves the Swinging > Suburbanites, but we're looking for something with a little > more pizzazz.  We've come up with these alternatives: > >   The Harley Ridin' Widows >   Sinister Nostradamus >   Twaddulous Weasels Filled With Venom >   kInKydOoFuS >   Cavalcade Of Bedhoppers >   The Skankin' Pheno Barbie Dolls >   Obnoxio And The Homely Virgins Except One Who Is Technically Not > > (Obnoxio is our rapper and parttime flautist.  I don't like > her very much but her girlfriend writes the songs so we have > to let The Big O be in the band, say la vee.  Guess which > band name SHE votes for?) > > Can you help us settle upon one of these, or suggest an even > better one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} * Dykes of the Valkyrie } * London Phallophobic Orchestra } * Zubin Metha's Lesbo Nightmare } * Chicks with Fiddle-Sticks } * Symphony for the She-Devils } * Catgut Strumming Pussies } * Cello Dollies } * Gimmicky Band Idea } } You owe the Oracle a mention in the liner notes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what's the difference between > M. C. Escher and M. C. Hammer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One was too legit to quit, whereas the other was too.... no. } } One said "you can't touch this", whereas the other.... no. } } One drew Mobius bands where as the other played in them?  No. } } I give up.  What *is* the difference? } } You owe the respondent a real incarnation: it apparently didn't } work this time.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, who causes great things to occur and so on > and so forth, > > Is it time we gave democracy a try?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're asking an imperious, dictatorial oracle with a penchent for } making outrageous demands whether democracy is a good idea? Actually, } it is. It's been several thousand years since I was first asked this } question. I gave a detailed plan of action to a supplicant from greece, } but you humans have gone and messed things up quite a bit since then. I } felt like getting the staff of ZOT out and setting you right on a few } scores, but you can't make people believe in democracy by hitting them. } (A lesson that I think several of you still need to learn.) } } Since you've all strayed so far from the original ideas, here are a few } pointers to get you on your way: } } 1. The side with the most votes wins. I thought this one was fairly } obvious but as always, you seem to be able to muck it up. } } 2. Hold votes on policies, not who has the best hair. } } 3. Everyone gets to vote. Even people you don't like. This is the only } one where you humans seem to have made any progress. } } 4. Anyone who tells you that you just have to grant them a few extra } powers in order to solve all of your problems should be fed to the } crocodiles. (or tigers, at a push) } } 5. Politicians who promise to lower taxes and increase public spending } should be removed from office and made to sit basic arithmetic 101 } again, as they clearly didn't pass it the first time. } } You owe the oracle the right result this november.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> URGENT, URGENT, URGENT! > > Quick, before we run out of time, I need to learn how > to speak South Equitorial Martian.  I already know that > the planet's about to explode, and there isn't much > time left.  Could you please send me the fast-learning > kit?  Or at least some chocolate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So, somebody clued a few of you guys in on that doomsday tomorrow, eh? } Kinda awful, isn't it?  Everybody on Earth doomed inside of the next } 48 hours?  Well, normally I don't like to directly solve your } problems, but in respect for all the many excellent tributes I've } received over the years, I'll give you a hand.  I've just sent Zadoc } and some priests off to mail you a care package.  Here are its } contents: } } * One (1) Spaceship, Noah's Ark class. } * Ten million (10,000,000) tons of fuel, whose container conveniently } self-powers a mass and weight reducer built into the container, } allowing for ease of portability and storage. } * Seventy-five (75) years of food for 100 people. } * One (1) book, "Answers to Great Questions of the Universe," by yours } truly.  I've always sort of dodged the issue on some of the bigger } things, but I figure you'll need something to read on the ship. } * Five (5) helper robots, who will assist with steering, navigation, } and general chores. } * One thousand (1,000) miracle cure-all pills, which will fix pesky } problems like severed limbs, acne, and aging. } * One (1) starchart of the galaxy, along with an almanac to allow you } to choose a new home wisely. } * Ten million (10,000,000) galactic credits, to be used if you decide } to live somewhere populated and civilized. } * One thousand (1,000) rifles, to be used if you decide to live } somewhere populated and less civilized. } * Ten (10) nuclear warheads, to be used if you decide to live } somewhere populated and more civilized. } * One (1) book, "South Equitorial Martian in 30 Days," to be used if } you decide to live somewhere populated that serves a wonderful } martini. } * One (1) Hershey bar. } * One (1) towel, because it's so amazingly useful. } * One (1) PC, with Nethack installed. It's gonna be a long trip. } } The ship is filled with farming and manufacturing equipment in the } cargo hold, so hopefully you'll be fine in the long run. } } Oh, Zadoc's back from shipping it out already.  It shouldn't arrive } much later than the day after tomorrow.  Enjoy! } } You owe the Oracle your forgiveness, but do you have any idea what } overnight shipping from a higher plane would've cost for this stuff?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Orrie, "I'm not trying to pull you, > Even though I would like to. > I think that you're really fit. > You're fit but my ghod don't you know it". > > Out shopping today, there were these charity collectors everywhere, > and I ended up getting pressured into buying some raffle tickets. > It wasn't until I got home later and looked at them that I saw that > they said "Monster Raffle" on them, so naturally I'm now a little > apprehensive about the possibility of winning, not ever having > actually owned a monster before. I was wondering if you could > please give me a few tips regarding what they eat, how much and > what sort of exercise they need, and whether or not they get along > with cats.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle commends you for checking out whether a monster } is 'right' for you -before- you ended up with one. Sad } indeed it is when a family or individual gets a monster & } then decides it's not for them. Often such unwanted } monsters are just turned loose to fend for themselves } which so often spells tragedy for the area by fostering } chintzy local cottage industries selling tacky monster } souvenir trinkets and clogging the byways with tour buses } on unsightly sight-seeing junkets... } } But I digress, here's a quick five question quiz to see if } a monster is right for you. } }          /                             \ }         O  Is A Monster Right for You?  o }          \                             / } } 1) Are there any small children in your home? } } a. Yes } b. No } c. Well, yeah, but so what? } } If you answered "a" then a monster is not right for } your home, if you answer anything else, then proceed. } } 2) Do you live next to any of the following: } } a. a village of anxious peasants with ready access to }     pitchforks and firebrands } b. a nuclear reactor } c. a swamp } d. a beach frequented by nubile supermodels } e. a graveyard } } If you answered anything except 'd', then a monster } may be right for you, if you answered 'd' you owe the } Oracle an invite to your home. } } 3) Does your home include any of the following: } } a. a large basement or actual dungeon } b. access to an old sewer complex or maze of twisty }     passages all of which are the same } c. a moat } d. a mournful tower engulfed by fog } e. a pink plastic flamingo or cement deer } } If you answered 'e' then your home is creepy enough } already, a monster is not right for you. Otherwise } continue on. } } 4) Are you prepared to provide your monster with what }     ever it needs to feed on, be it the severed heads }     of goats, maidens, rotting corpses, or the souls of }     unbaptized newborns. } } a. Heavens! No way! Oh my God, that's awful. } b. Hell yeah, that's the best part of having a monster. } c. No, let it forge and feed itself, no monster of }     mine is going to be spoiled rotten by pampering. } d. I was thinking more along the lines of turning it }     loose on the neighbors, one, by one, by one. } } If you answered 'd' then a monster is not right for you, } monsters are not to be 'used' in such a crass manner. } } 5) Are you willing, truly willing, to deal with all of }     the following often overlooked components of monster }     ownership? } } a. Many monsters can live for centuries, if not longer }     you'll need to make plans for them once you're gone, }     Is that a problem for you? } b. Many monsters act 'oddly' at different times, say }     during full moons, or certain ritualistic or holy days. }     Are you willing to calendar around such events? } c. Your monster may at times feel a need to fight another }     monster to the death due to some grade-B film motives }     that we have yet to fully understand, would this }     distress you greatly? } d. People will most certainly whisper about you behind }     your back. Will this bother you? } } If you can truly answer "No" to all of the above, then } a monster may be right for you. Enjoy. } } You owe the Oracle some binoculars.