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Internet Oracularities #1366

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Internet Oracularities #1366    (47 votes, 3.5 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 2004 20:00:29 -0500 (EST)

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1366  47 votes 149je 269jb 1cjf0 259id 36ecc 27hh4 4agg1 28ead 07aka 03bdk
1366  3.5 mean  3.9   3.7   3.0   3.7   3.5   3.3   3.0   3.5   3.7   4.1


1366-01    (149je dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how many woodchucks would it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> Why did the woodchuck cross the street?
> How can you measure the hight of a tall building w/ a woodchuck?
> How many woodchucks does it take to fill up a phonebooth?
> What is the total population of woodchucks in our multiverse?
> What are the chances of falling into a polymorph trap, changeing into a
>   woodchuck, on the oracle level?
> Is there a code to unlock a woodchuck skin in Q3A Gold Ed.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >how many woodchucks would it take to screw in a lightbulb?
}
} Woodchucks lack the capacity to screw in light bulbs. Mostly because
} they're too small and have no manual dexterity, but partly also because
} I switch the light on while they're trying, just to see 240 volts go
} through them.
}
} >Why did the woodchuck cross the street?
}
} In a futile attempt to escape me. It didn't work -- the rodent was run
} over by a bus.
}
} >How can you measure the hight of a tall building w/ a woodchuck?
}
} Drop the woodchuck from the top of the building, and time how long it
} takes to reach the ground. The formula 4.9*t^2, where t is time in
} seconds, gives the approximate height in metres. In order to reduce
} experimental error, I'd recommend repeating the experiment at least a
} dozen times.
}
} >How many woodchucks does it take to fill up a phonebooth?
}
} At least a thousand. More if some of the woodchucks have been used to
} measure the height of tall buildings.
}
} >What is the total population of woodchucks in our multiverse?
}
} Twenty-three trillion and six, (*splat*) twenty-three trillion and five
} (*splat*), twenty-three trillion and four (*splat*)...
}
} >What are the chances of falling into a polymorph trap, changeing into
} >a woodchuck, on the oracle level?
}
} Blimey. Assuming no polymorph control, lycanthropy, vampirism, dragon
} scale armor or magic resistance, there's a four-fifths chance of
} changing form on a polymorph trap, times three-fifths chance that the
} Oracle level is deep enough for polymorph traps (ignoring the
} possibility of bones files), times one-seventh (approximately) chance
} that one of the three random traps is a polymorph trap, and with 274
} possible forms to polymorph into, that makes about 1 chance in 4000.
} Assuming you find the trap. That's a lot of assumptions.
}
} Actually the chance is zero, since I used the scroll I found in
} Asidonhopo's general store to genocide woodchucks.
}
} >Is there a code to unlock a woodchuck skin in Q3A Gold Ed.?
}
} I think you've pushed your luck far enough. Seven woodchuck questions
} and no grovel?
}
} *ZOT!*
}
} You owe the Oracle some time spent using woodchucks to measure the
} heights of skyscrapers.


1366-02    (269jb dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle dude,
>
> Can I use the word "tits" here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the sole condition that your discussion is limited to ornithology.
}
} You owe the Oracle two boobies.


1366-03    (1cjf0 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the world's best book?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The world's best book is run by James "The Chiahuahua" Pallonzi
} of Kokomo Indiana. He used to be called Jimmy Bulldog but with the
} advent of SSRIs, his perspective on things is much softer, and so
} are his lines.
}
} Whereas he used to convince his "clients" with lead pipes and shear
} force delivered to the digits of the left hand, nowadays even people
} who owe him 25 large get but a scented reminder in a pastel envelope.
}
} James will be visited soon by Angelo "Green Fingers" from Indianapolis,
} so make your bets quickly.
}
} You owe The Oracle a grovel next time... capisce?


1366-04    (259id dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, your powers are limited only by your even more awesome powers.
>
> What is the best massively multiplayer game for sale today and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have I got a game for you!  Picture this.
}
}   - Perfectly rendered 3D images of the players around you, with the
}     most realistic backdrops you've ever seen in a game.
}
}   - High fidelity surround sound; no hissing or popping, unless you
}     happen to be chewing bubble gum or attending a Dick Cheney speech.
}
}   - Worldwide availablilty!  No broadband connections needed.  Wherever
}     you happen to be, whatever time it is, the game is accessible.
}
}   - Unlimited player options!  Do you want to be President of the
}     United States?  Premier of Canada?  Supreme Dictator of Cuba?  Get
}     used to disappointment.  But you can try to be anything you want to
}     be.  And if you fail, there's always the Army.
}
}   - Unlimited vocabulary!  No limited command sets in this game.  You
}     can use natural language to control the game and communicate with
}     the other players.  See how well you can avoid misunderstandings
}     while working with an ambiguous context-sensitive language!
}
}   - Flexible Save Options!  Install the optional Spousal Memory Unit
}     and everything you ever do will be recorded for instant playback at
}     a moment's notice!
}
} Do you want it?  Do you have to have it?  Then you are ready for the
} latest release from Oracular Software:
}
}                           REAL LIFE (TM) !!!!
}
} And best of all, the base module is FREE!  Optional offspring module
} comes for only US $4,000, plus about $20,000 over the next 18 years for
} food, clothing, education, and soccer camp, and then another $100,000
} for college costs.  What a deal!  Order NOW!!!!
}
} Operators are standing by to take your order.  Call (812) 8MY-LIFE.  We
} accept any credit card, debit card, or bank account number for accounts
} containing at least $10,000.  Monetary transactions outsourced to
} Nigeria.  All rights and wrongs reserved.  Coupons accepted only from
} residents of the 900 block of Elm Street, Emporia, Kansas.  Order now
} before the FBI closes us down!


1366-05    (36ecc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think gravity just inverted.  Did you notice it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                                                    .oN {


1366-06    (27hh4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Musically Inclined, if not downright Bent,
>
> I'm the second chair cellist in a punk-oriented all-female
> swing band.  Currently we call ourselves the Swinging
> Suburbanites, but we're looking for something with a little
> more pizzazz.  We've come up with these alternatives:
>
>   The Harley Ridin' Widows
>   Sinister Nostradamus
>   Twaddulous Weasels Filled With Venom
>   kInKydOoFuS
>   Cavalcade Of Bedhoppers
>   The Skankin' Pheno Barbie Dolls
>   Obnoxio And The Homely Virgins Except One Who Is Technically Not
>
> (Obnoxio is our rapper and parttime flautist.  I don't like
> her very much but her girlfriend writes the songs so we have
> to let The Big O be in the band, say la vee.  Guess which
> band name SHE votes for?)
>
> Can you help us settle upon one of these, or suggest an even
> better one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} * Dykes of the Valkyrie
} * London Phallophobic Orchestra
} * Zubin Metha's Lesbo Nightmare
} * Chicks with Fiddle-Sticks
} * Symphony for the She-Devils
} * Catgut Strumming Pussies
} * Cello Dollies
} * Gimmicky Band Idea
}
} You owe the Oracle a mention in the liner notes.


1366-07    (4agg1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what's the difference between
> M. C. Escher and M. C. Hammer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One was too legit to quit, whereas the other was too.... no.
}
} One said "you can't touch this", whereas the other.... no.
}
} One drew Mobius bands where as the other played in them?  No.
}
} I give up.  What *is* the difference?
}
} You owe the respondent a real incarnation: it apparently didn't
} work this time.


1366-08    (28ead dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, who causes great things to occur and so on
> and so forth,
>
> Is it time we gave democracy a try?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're asking an imperious, dictatorial oracle with a penchent for
} making outrageous demands whether democracy is a good idea? Actually,
} it is. It's been several thousand years since I was first asked this
} question. I gave a detailed plan of action to a supplicant from greece,
} but you humans have gone and messed things up quite a bit since then. I
} felt like getting the staff of ZOT out and setting you right on a few
} scores, but you can't make people believe in democracy by hitting them.
} (A lesson that I think several of you still need to learn.)
}
} Since you've all strayed so far from the original ideas, here are a few
} pointers to get you on your way:
}
} 1. The side with the most votes wins. I thought this one was fairly
} obvious but as always, you seem to be able to muck it up.
}
} 2. Hold votes on policies, not who has the best hair.
}
} 3. Everyone gets to vote. Even people you don't like. This is the only
} one where you humans seem to have made any progress.
}
} 4. Anyone who tells you that you just have to grant them a few extra
} powers in order to solve all of your problems should be fed to the
} crocodiles. (or tigers, at a push)
}
} 5. Politicians who promise to lower taxes and increase public spending
} should be removed from office and made to sit basic arithmetic 101
} again, as they clearly didn't pass it the first time.
}
} You owe the oracle the right result this november.


1366-09    (07aka dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> URGENT, URGENT, URGENT!
>
> Quick, before we run out of time, I need to learn how
> to speak South Equitorial Martian.  I already know that
> the planet's about to explode, and there isn't much
> time left.  Could you please send me the fast-learning
> kit?  Or at least some chocolate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So, somebody clued a few of you guys in on that doomsday tomorrow, eh?
} Kinda awful, isn't it?  Everybody on Earth doomed inside of the next
} 48 hours?  Well, normally I don't like to directly solve your
} problems, but in respect for all the many excellent tributes I've
} received over the years, I'll give you a hand.  I've just sent Zadoc
} and some priests off to mail you a care package.  Here are its
} contents:
}
} * One (1) Spaceship, Noah's Ark class.
} * Ten million (10,000,000) tons of fuel, whose container conveniently
} self-powers a mass and weight reducer built into the container,
} allowing for ease of portability and storage.
} * Seventy-five (75) years of food for 100 people.
} * One (1) book, "Answers to Great Questions of the Universe," by yours
} truly.  I've always sort of dodged the issue on some of the bigger
} things, but I figure you'll need something to read on the ship.
} * Five (5) helper robots, who will assist with steering, navigation,
} and general chores.
} * One thousand (1,000) miracle cure-all pills, which will fix pesky
} problems like severed limbs, acne, and aging.
} * One (1) starchart of the galaxy, along with an almanac to allow you
} to choose a new home wisely.
} * Ten million (10,000,000) galactic credits, to be used if you decide
} to live somewhere populated and civilized.
} * One thousand (1,000) rifles, to be used if you decide to live
} somewhere populated and less civilized.
} * Ten (10) nuclear warheads, to be used if you decide to live
} somewhere populated and more civilized.
} * One (1) book, "South Equitorial Martian in 30 Days," to be used if
} you decide to live somewhere populated that serves a wonderful
} martini.
} * One (1) Hershey bar.
} * One (1) towel, because it's so amazingly useful.
} * One (1) PC, with Nethack installed. It's gonna be a long trip.
}
} The ship is filled with farming and manufacturing equipment in the
} cargo hold, so hopefully you'll be fine in the long run.
}
} Oh, Zadoc's back from shipping it out already.  It shouldn't arrive
} much later than the day after tomorrow.  Enjoy!
}
} You owe the Oracle your forgiveness, but do you have any idea what
} overnight shipping from a higher plane would've cost for this stuff?


1366-10    (03bdk dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Orrie, "I'm not trying to pull you,
> Even though I would like to.
> I think that you're really fit.
> You're fit but my ghod don't you know it".
>
> Out shopping today, there were these charity collectors everywhere,
> and I ended up getting pressured into buying some raffle tickets.
> It wasn't until I got home later and looked at them that I saw that
> they said "Monster Raffle" on them, so naturally I'm now a little
> apprehensive about the possibility of winning, not ever having
> actually owned a monster before. I was wondering if you could
> please give me a few tips regarding what they eat, how much and
> what sort of exercise they need, and whether or not they get along
> with cats.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle commends you for checking out whether a monster
} is 'right' for you -before- you ended up with one. Sad
} indeed it is when a family or individual gets a monster &
} then decides it's not for them. Often such unwanted
} monsters are just turned loose to fend for themselves
} which so often spells tragedy for the area by fostering
} chintzy local cottage industries selling tacky monster
} souvenir trinkets and clogging the byways with tour buses
} on unsightly sight-seeing junkets...
}
} But I digress, here's a quick five question quiz to see if
} a monster is right for you.
}
}          /                             \
}         O  Is A Monster Right for You?  o
}          \                             /
}
} 1) Are there any small children in your home?
}
} a. Yes
} b. No
} c. Well, yeah, but so what?
}
} If you answered "a" then a monster is not right for
} your home, if you answer anything else, then proceed.
}
} 2) Do you live next to any of the following:
}
} a. a village of anxious peasants with ready access to
}     pitchforks and firebrands
} b. a nuclear reactor
} c. a swamp
} d. a beach frequented by nubile supermodels
} e. a graveyard
}
} If you answered anything except 'd', then a monster
} may be right for you, if you answered 'd' you owe the
} Oracle an invite to your home.
}
} 3) Does your home include any of the following:
}
} a. a large basement or actual dungeon
} b. access to an old sewer complex or maze of twisty
}     passages all of which are the same
} c. a moat
} d. a mournful tower engulfed by fog
} e. a pink plastic flamingo or cement deer
}
} If you answered 'e' then your home is creepy enough
} already, a monster is not right for you. Otherwise
} continue on.
}
} 4) Are you prepared to provide your monster with what
}     ever it needs to feed on, be it the severed heads
}     of goats, maidens, rotting corpses, or the souls of
}     unbaptized newborns.
}
} a. Heavens! No way! Oh my God, that's awful.
} b. Hell yeah, that's the best part of having a monster.
} c. No, let it forge and feed itself, no monster of
}     mine is going to be spoiled rotten by pampering.
} d. I was thinking more along the lines of turning it
}     loose on the neighbors, one, by one, by one.
}
} If you answered 'd' then a monster is not right for you,
} monsters are not to be 'used' in such a crass manner.
}
} 5) Are you willing, truly willing, to deal with all of
}     the following often overlooked components of monster
}     ownership?
}
} a. Many monsters can live for centuries, if not longer
}     you'll need to make plans for them once you're gone,
}     Is that a problem for you?
} b. Many monsters act 'oddly' at different times, say
}     during full moons, or certain ritualistic or holy days.
}     Are you willing to calendar around such events?
} c. Your monster may at times feel a need to fight another
}     monster to the death due to some grade-B film motives
}     that we have yet to fully understand, would this
}     distress you greatly?
} d. People will most certainly whisper about you behind
}     your back. Will this bother you?
}
} If you can truly answer "No" to all of the above, then
} a monster may be right for you. Enjoy.
}
} You owe the Oracle some binoculars.


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