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Internet Oracularities #1368

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1368, 1368-01, 1368-02, 1368-03, 1368-04, 1368-05, 1368-06, 1368-07, 1368-08, 1368-09, 1368-10


Internet Oracularities #1368    (44 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 01 Sep 2004 16:27:23 -0500 (EST)

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1368  44 votes 05fcc 0ecd5 4acc6 38ei1 09fi2 89bc4 3aad8 2cad7 17hb8 03dbh
1368  3.3 mean  3.7   3.2   3.1   3.1   3.3   2.9   3.3   3.2   3.4   4.0


1368-01    (05fcc dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most brilliant and wise, whose knowledge of ancient
> mesopotamia is rivalled only by his own magnificant beauty and grace:
>
> I am an archeologist currently excavating in a long-lost city in
> Egypt. I've come across a strange tablet, which (if I've translated
> right) reads:
>
> "...[broken tablet]... back from 2004 and now I can't get [illegible
> hieroglyphic] to return. The Doc says we need 2.1 "Jigawatts" (could
> he mean "gigawatts?") in order to fuel the [hieroglyph vaguely
> resembling a 1980's sports car], but there's no way to get it up to 88
> pyramid-widths per hour without [hieroglyph of inky-black looking
> water]. If anyone gets this, please send us back some ... [end of
> tablet; rest broken off] ..."
>
> So, my question is: where should I dig in order to find the time
> machine, and how much could I make in 1973 if I take a current sports
> trivia book back with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's about time you asked me this question.  When I met you during the
} reign of Pharoh Hapshutset, you were very upset about forgetting to
} bring the ... the...  oh, blast, that was a long time ago.  I wrote it
} on a post-it-papyrus, but I spilled coffee on it in Byzantium.  Well,
} just double-check everything.  You seemed very upset at the time, and
} ranted about some sports almanack for a good three minutes.
}
} There's a time machine that is 3700 years old buried under the NE
} corner of Hapshutset's tomb, aaaand let me just check... yup, there's
} another one just like it that's 7400 years old under the SE corner --
} too decrepit for use, but it's got what remains of the the sports
} almanack in the glove compartment, and a message scrawled on the cover:
} "Don't forget the..." oh, hrm.  Eaten by some sort of lichen.  That's
} disappointing.
}
} Oh, what have we here?  Under the NW corner of the tomb there's some
} stainless steel, it's 11100 years old and vaguely car-shaped.  There's
} a stone tablet in the passenger seat.  It reads:
} eagle heron noose fish-with-big-tail cottage eye two-feathers
} square eye-eye eagle boat staff scribe heron cloud(?) hand
} pregnant-snake jackal heron cottage boat pac-man dig-dug woodscrew
} baseball cashew-cashew-cashew man-with-tunic-sleeves-tied-around-torso
} stop-sign.  Reads like someone was taking dictation.
}
} Wait, wait, here's some more junk under the SW corner: stainless steel
} again, but not enough to resemble a car and this time it's 14800
} years old.  It's been mauled somehow, into shapes: LI OD L,NOD 3SV37d.
}
} Well, if you want the time machine that works the best, I suggest you
} use the remains under the northeast corner; and remember, if you don't
} get it right the first time, the great thing about time travel is that
} you can always go back and try to fix it.
}
} You owe the Oracle.... oh, wait, you already let me read the sports
} almanack from thousands of years in the future.  Nevermind, this one's
} already paid for.


1368-02    (0ecd5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, aleph-null bottles of beer ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Gawd... don't remind me of that party. Too late.. you already did:
}
} Damn Cantor to the lowest level of Princeton. He just _had_ to
} start singing. Then Adams decided to take his clothes off, and
} shouldn't have cause we all made fun of his null more than his aleph.
} Bertrand was there... in the prime of his life. Russel came to the
} party, but was a bit Young. Albert drew some flack from drinking
} only "Ein Stein" but he was just a kid, so he did relatively well.
} Painlev transcended the singing and in fact the floor and ended up
} with a nasty bump on the noggin. But it was Bachmann in the end who
} provided with the Big O for everybody. Those details I shall withhold.
}
} You owe The Oracle a copy of the "Esther Yodels Back"  (Polygram
} records 1964).


1368-03    (4acc6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Mighty Oracle, whos wisdom and knowledge supercedes even that
> of the greatest minds on the Earth, which I must admit are not that
> great nor wise,
>
> We just found out this afternoon they are delaying the trial again, it
> could be another 6 months of waiting. The lawyer says it could be a
> good sign, that the prosecution does not want to deal with our case,
> but yet... it is soo frustrating. I guess time will tell on whether
> they will see how weak their case is, and want to drop the whole thing.
>
> Arrrggg, can I scream yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh yes, Supplicant, you can scream.  And you should.  You in a
} heap o' trouble, boy.
}
} February 2005: You are served with a Summons stating that your
} case is being re-opened.
}
} March 2005: The Corpus Delectable (your ex-wife) swears under
} oath that you not only are suffering from Bankrupture but are
} Intestate as well.
}
} April 2005: The prosecution files new charges, Estoppel of
} Double Jeopardy, subpoenaing Alex Trebek as their key witness.
} He refuses to testify, and as a result never works in television
} (nor, tragically, even gets an appointment at a Hollywood salon
} to have a decent perm) again.  Nonetheless the indictment stands.
}
} May 2005: While out on bail awaiting your fair trial, you are
} declared out at a softball game under the Infield Fly Rule even
} though you hit the ball cleanly over the fence for what should
} have been a game winning home run.  The call is upheld on appeal,
} as the league commissioner turns out to be your presiding judge's
} brother in law.
}
} June 2005: Probate proceedings are conducted regarding your
} estate, in preparation for your fair trial.  Your ex-wife gets
} it all.
}
} July 2005: Charges of Taxation Without Representation are brought,
} even though you are merely a private-practice CPA in Biloxi,
} Mississippi.  The U.S. revolts and you are assessed the entire
} cost of another cleanup of Boston Harbor, to be earned via hard
} labor in debtors' prison pending fair trial since you are now
} destitute.
}
} August 2005: New accusations of Moot Nolo Contendere with intent
} to commit Aggravated Putative Voir Dire are leveled against you.
} The judge will take their word for it.
}
} September 2005: Turns out they're only getting warmed up.  Ipso
} Facto, Pepto Bismol, and Presto Change-o, you get nailed with
} Bona Fide Nunc Pro Tunc In Camera, a Temporary Restraining Order
} against Restraint of Temporal Ordering, and Quid Pro Quo Quantum
} Meruit Without Merit.  Also you are ticketed for speeding, due
} to witnesses, anonymously under provisions of the Patriot Act,
} swearing they saw you make the Kessel run in less than twelve
} parsecs.
}
} October 2005: Dura Lex, Sed Lex, the judge reminds you at your
} next pre-fair-trial hearing.  Ne Bis In Idem, he adds; so they're
} gonna get you good the first time around, Alex Trebek be damned.
}
} November 2005: A writ of De Jure Dismissal With De Facto Prejudice
} leaves your lawyers no option but a plea bargain.  After five
} minutes of marathon negotiations they get you lethal injection
} plus electrocution (sentences to be served concurrently rather
} than consecutively) at week's end, with possibility of parole
} afterward for good behavior, instead of the maximum penalty of
} ninety days' probation.
}
} December 2005: The judge honeymoons in Acapulco with your ex-wife.
} Amicus Curiae, indeed.
}
} You owe the Oracle front row gallery seats at the courthouse.


1368-04    (38ei1 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, Oracle, infinitely knowing yet still with that sense of humanity...
>
> It's an old, sad story.  My man and I got married, and suddenly these
> days we're asleep by 10 pm, with little more than a peck on the lips to
> show our affections before we roll over and enter our separate
> dreamworlds.
>
> Can you, will you recommend some new bedroom tricks to keep my husband
> interested?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Variation and surprise are always key, Supplicant.  Instead of
} the same old same-old, combine two or three familiar elements
} in some delightfully unexpected way.
}
} For instance:
}
} - spank the handcuffs before you put them on him.
}
} - marinate the blindfold in honey for a day or two in advance.
}
} - buy fresh cream and use a real whip.
}
} - exchange genital jewelry at bedtime.
}
} - attend a clothespin swapping party.
}
} - have him wear his WonderJockstrap(tm) backward or inside-out.
}
} - engage in role-play, such as "tonight I am interested in a
}   shag, and you can be my blokey also interested in a shag",
}   then actually shag.
}
} - encourage his girlfriend to bring along a friend next time
}   she is over for the night.
}
} As you can see, it just takes a little imagination.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stiff... drink.


1368-05    (09fi2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's three o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep.  How many ZZZs
> are there in the word caffein?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's only just one, and it's really reeeeally small.  You have
} to look very closely to even notice it's there at all.  No, closer
} than that.  Closer.  Close one eye.  Are you SURE you don't see
} it?  Closer.  *poke*
}
} There, that's for bothering the Oracle for no better purpose than to
} relieve your own boredom.  And thus the Supplicant was enlightened.
} I say that a lot.  Not without cause, may I add.  And I may.
}
} Whilst there are no ZZZs in caffeine, there ARE two Es in it.  And
} thus the Supplicant was enlightened again.  See?  I get a lot of
} cause.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pine koan.


1368-06    (89bc4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, thou for whom chanting thy name not only cleanses the
> soul, but causes the dishes to magically wash themselves, pray answer
> my question.
>
> Orrie, I've been looking at all these emails from Nigeria. I've been
> adding up the totals, and it seems that Nigera has at least
> $1,234,843,835 sitting around in bank accounts unclaimed by either dead
> officials, or siphoned off by crooked middle-level management.
>
> I was wondering what form of wealth generation in Nigeria caused all
> this money to come into being, and doesn't this make Nigeria one of the
> richest countries, per capita, in the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nigeria is not only the richest nation on the planet, but is the
} richest on three planets.  They have sucked all the wealth from both
} Mars and Venus.  Think of all those M&Ms.  Go and look at Mars.
} You will see there is very little left.  The Nigerians have it all,
} and they didn't generate it, they stole it!


1368-07    (3aad8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is boredom and lack of imagination and romance a good enough criteria
> for divorce?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fraid not, oh Supplicant. Romance fades if both sides don't work
} at it, and the boredom can just be the restlessness of realising
} that you've chosen one but after a while you've seen what else is
} available.
}
} This whole marriage thingy was made up for partnership, and that's
} what you agreed to. And in front of witnesses, too. So look at it
} as a working thing.
}
} OK - so it's gotten boring. You're off chatting on #timewasters,
} she's engrossed in Judge Judy - why not try finding out what you
} both want out of the next couple of years. Do you have dreams of a
} trip? Is she after an evening course in something outrageous?
}
} Then there's the whole "What did I see in that person"? There must
} have been something. I'm hoping it was more than just a hot bod.
} Is there a way to reactivate that sick sense of humour, to ignite
} the stunning dancer that she was, to get yourself to be the
} subject of those lovely poems she wrote?
}
} And Then there's the little things that perk the imagination. Turn
} up to bed one night with a red ribbon. She can tie it anywhere she
} wants, and you have to pay special attention to that part for at
} least 10 minutes. Then _you_ get to play with the ribbon...
}
} OK, I've made a couple of assumptions here - because Lisa is
} standing over me and says I have to be good with this one. If
} you're the lady, I'm sure you can take what's here and turn it to
} your own advantage. And certainly, if both of you are now heading
} in different ways and there's no chance that those ways could be
} parallel instead of divergent, then possibly it's the end of what
} once was very special. But don't let just boredom, lack of
} imagination and a loss of romance finish off what could be brought
} back to life again.
}
} er..excuse me .. a red ribbon calls.
}
} You owe the Oracle some time together, a chat to a counsellor to
} clarify things (a fresh eye often helps), and honesty and
} frankness between you. Oh - and flowers, no matter which way it
} works out.


1368-08    (2cad7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and powerful Oracle, please grant this worthless mortal an
> answer. I beg of you to be honest, fair, and true.
>
> A couple months ago I met this girl who works in a nearby Chinese
> restaurant.  She's been in the states for about a year and is very,
> very cute.  I like her a lot, and apparently she thinks highly of
> me as well.  Though we have never talked about such things.
>
> I'd been going in once or twice a week just to see her.  See her
> smile, talk to her for half an hour while paying, you know, the
> kind of thing a worthless guy like me would do.  Well something
> changed today.
>
> Once in a while my parents stop by there as well, and today they
> met this girl.  She asked them if I was their son (my father and
> I look very much alike).  Then she proceeded to talk about me more
> than I would have expected.  She even had the business card that
> I gave her a few weeks ago with her. (the one with my cell number
> on it)
>
> Now, I was not there and only heard this from my parents.  I know
> they have been trying to get me married off ever since my little
> brother and little sister got married a while back.  While I would
> normally write this off as one of those events, the bit about the
> business card has me stumped.  They would never have known about
> that if she would not have told them.  I've sure never said a word
> about it to *anyone* till now.  This gives at least limited proof
> to what they have said.
>
> My friends suggest I ask her out, and I think they are right.
>
> There are a few problems with this that I hope you can help me
> with.
>
> 1. Her English is a bit lacking, and my Chinese really sucks.
>
>    I'm worried that the language barrier will be a problem. In
>    the past there have been more than a few situations where we
>    just looked at each other confused and moved on to a different
>    topic.  What are your thoughts on this?
>
> 2. Hours.
>
>    I work quite late, and so does she.
>    Would it be normal for two people to meet at 11:00pm for a
>    date?
>
> 3. I'm nervous about asking.
>
>    Any way to get around this?  I know what I want to do, and
>    what I should do, but have trouble getting the courage.
>
> Thank you,
> Anonymous

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Item 1 is not a problem.  There have been many relationships that begin
} with the two parties not completely understanding one another but that
} continue for many years.  Indeed, one might say nearly all
} relationships are this way.  Nor do the two parties *ever* fully
} understand one another.
}
} To item 2, I must say "yes".  There is no abnormal time of day, in this
} day and age, for dating.  Just find out -- from her, or from another --
} whether this is acceptable in the culture she's from, or whether it's
} acceptable to her parents, if they're around.
}
} As to item 3, what man isn't nervous about asking a girl out on a first
} date?  Just do it!
}
} You owe the Oracle an e-mail message with just "help" in the Subject
} line. And a photo of the girl.


1368-09    (17hb8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who's splash cannot be heard in the adjacent room, how do you
> use a Turkish toilet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LEARN TO USE A CLASSICAL TURKISH FLAT TOILET IN 24 HOURS OR MORE
}
} 1. The Oracle first recommends removing everything important from your
} pockets, because once you see step 3, you'll understand why there's a
} danger of it falling in.  And you don't want it to fall in.
}
} 2. If you're using a public toilet (if not, skip to step 3), deposit
} your payment.  You heard the Oracle right; payment.  According to the
} Oracle's sources, the average fee is approximately 300,500 Turkish
} Liras (or about $0.20 in real money).  Some toilets even have
} different fees based on whether you're going to do number one or
} number two; presumably, you're not supposed to do the second if you've
} only paid for the first.
}
} 3. Squat over the toilet.  Yes, squat.  Don't listen to anyone who may
} tell you that this is because doing so is more hygenic; actually, it's
} just so that the Turks have an opportunity to openly mock anyone who
} forgot to bring their own toilet seat.
}
} 4. Do your business.  Try not to think about where it's going.
}
} 5. At many toilets, there is a spigot or (even worse) a container of
} water to use to clean your underside with, rather than using actual
} toilet paper.  This is traditionally done - the Oracle's
} recommendation is to ignore tradition.  It's not as if there's a
} police for this kind of thing (or so is the common belief; if it turns
} out there is, the Oracle's advice alters to: "get out of Turkey as
} fast as possible in any means possible").  And if you're using the
} container of water, then please: no double-dipping.
}
} 6. If there is toilet paper, it's often used to dry your underside and
} hand after the splashing.  It never seemed to occur to the Turks who
} designed the system that it would better conserve water to just use
} the paper instead.  Those crazy Turks.
}
} 7. Next, take a d20 (twenty-sided die) and roll a Fortitude Save vs.
} Death against a DC of 18.  If you fail the save, you will instantly be
} sucked down into the Turkish Sewer System.  If you succeed in the
} saving throw, use the flush button/handle exactly 3.14159 times.  If
} you don't use it that exact amount of times, you'll still get sucked
} down into the sewers.  (Coming soon: How to Survive the Turkish
} Sewers, by The Oracle)
}
} 8. Put your clothing back in the appropriate positions and run away as
} fast as possible to avoid being forced to make a sanity check.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Japanese toilet.


1368-10    (03dbh dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, who is as precious to me as Fred Astaire and
> Aristotle put together (Fredistotle?),
>
> Stupidity, like virtue, can be its own reward.  What else is out
> there that rewards itself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congress.


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