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Internet Oracularities #1369

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1369, 1369-01, 1369-02, 1369-03, 1369-04, 1369-05, 1369-06, 1369-07, 1369-08, 1369-09, 1369-10


Internet Oracularities #1369    (47 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 18:04:19 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1369
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1369  47 votes 3dhd1 45mb5 6aja2 9bg65 bhe50 03me8 4aka3 59jc2 47hg3 59id2
1369  2.9 mean  2.9   3.2   2.8   2.7   2.3   3.6   3.0   2.9   3.1   3.0


1369-01    (3dhd1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle of the powers above, one who invented philosophy,
> who has such awsome powers of knitting, who always wears jumpsuits,
> I beg of you to answer my hypthetical question. In the later hours of
> a doldrum day, I came upon a frivolous encyclopedia of trival knowledge
> named "It's Obvious You Won't Survive On your Wits Alone". I decided
> to open this book to see what was in it, and found this question
> unanswered: Who would win if a giant moth fought a giant but modest
> bee in an All-wool jumpsuit? The bee is wearing the jumpsuit, and
> this is purely hypothetical.
> So, that brings me to the question. Who would win if a giant moth
> fought a giant but modest bee in an All-wool jumpsuit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All things happen for a reason, supplicant, and now I understand the
} nature of what I saw a few years back.
}
} It started one rainy afternoon.  I was making a day of flipping
} through the channels (as you can imagine, I get a LOT of stations),
} and I ended up on a program entitled "E! True Hollywood Story".  As
} best I could figure, it was about the modern-day suffering of great
} stars from the past.
}
} The show was about the Mosura trial of 2001.  Perhaps better known as
} Mothra, Mosura was a proud giant moth, probably one of the very few
} from this plane of existance.  He had a hit in the 60s with his
} self-titled movie, but things went downhill with lower and lower
} budget hack sequels.  The final straw was the horrible remake in 1996,
} which added a bunch of confusing fantasy elements to what was at its
} core a giant monster sci-fi vehicle.  It actually did all right at the
} box office, but Mosura believed he had sold out giant monsters
} everywhere.  His soul was crushed.
}
} He never did recover from this.  Unfit for movie work and broke (have
} you ever seen a moth try to handle his finances), he was forced into a
} series of demeaning breakfast cereal commercials, until he eventually
} did what was in his nature -- massive destruction.  One of the victims
} was Julian, the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee.  Some say it was the sight of
} his giant wool jumpsuit that enraged Mosura and sent him past the
} breaking point.  Julian never stood a chance.
}
} So there you have it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tummy tempting of the nuts-and-honey-taste style.


1369-02    (45mb5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Y0 7|-|3|23 0|2<13 |)00|), J00 4|23 73|-| 1337357, 7311 |\/|3...
>
> |-|0\/\/ /\/\|_|<|-| \/\/00|) \/\/0|_||_|) 4 \/\/00|)<|-||_|<|<
> <|-||_|<|<
> 1F 4 \/\/00|)<|-||_|<|< <0|_|1|) <|-||_|<|< \/\/00|)??+
>
> [ 0|-| Y35, \/\/3 4|R3 7|-|3 P|20 |-|4XXX0|2
> \/\/00|)<|-||_|<|<Z0|2!!!1
> |\|0\/\/ \/\/3 5|-|411 |20X0|2 J00|2 B0X0|2!!!!11 7|-|15 15 7|-|3
> 3|\||) 0F
> 73|-| 0|24<13!!!1 ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant,
}
} This is to notify you that you have activated the Internet
} Oracle's Marmot Intrusion Detection System:
}
} ---------------------------------------------------------------
} | Woodchuck |-|4x0|2 (Haxor)  vs.     Woodchuck "Hacker"      |
} |------------------------------|------------------------------|
} |Favorite Tools:  PC, Internet |Favorite Tools:  Bone saw, rib|
} |connection, Haxors for dummies|cage separator, scalpel, axe, |
} |book, Haxor-to-english        |chain saw, marmot restraints, |
} |alphabet chart, and a member- |and various medieval torture  |
} |ship to scriptz "r" us.       |implements.                   |
} ---------------------------------------------------------------
} |Battle Cry:  "0|-| Y35, \/\/3 |Battle Cry:  "Your skull shall|
} |4|R3 7|-|3 P|20 |-|4XXX0|2"   |be my trophy!"                |
} ---------------------------------------------------------------
} |Motivation:  To prove         |Motivation:  $5 per woodchuck |
} |"|_337|/|355"                 |hide paid by some guy in      |
} |                              |Indiana, but also because it  |
} |                              |satisfies his homicidal       |
} |                              |desires for a few moments.    |
} ---------------------------------------------------------------
}
} I'm afraid that this can only end badly for you.  You don't owe
} anything.  The entertainment value will be payment enough.


1369-03    (6aja2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, who understands even the opposite sex,
>
> After the most recent Oracularities digest (#1368), I must ask:  have
> you thought about starting your own love-advice column?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, a good suggestion indeed, but consider: after the first few
} millenia, virtually the only thing I'd ever be asked would be as such:
}
} "Oh most sagacious Oracle, whose Valentine's Day chocolate-wrappers I
} am most unworthy to lick, I beseech thee in an evermost quest for
} knowledge:
} How many hearts could a heart-chuck chuck if a heart-chuck could chuck
} hearts?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a good dictionary definition of 'heart-chuck'.


1369-04    (9bg65 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Catastrophic leader of knowledge,
>
> Boxers or briefs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Dog whistle* Depends...


1369-05    (bhe50 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wazzup?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kitty401: nm u?
} Lilyup203: same
} Kitty401 has Logged  off.
} Lilyup203: wtf?
} Kitty401 has Logged on.
} Lilyup203: what happened?
} Kitty401: orrie decided that he needed a donut from the managment
} fridge had to look busy
} Lilyup203: oh k
} Kitty401: fyi i might do that again
} Lilyup203: k
} Kitty401: shoot gtg
} Lilyup203: ttyl??
} Kitty401: tottaly
} Kitty401 has Logged off.
} Lilyup203: bye
} Lilyup203 has Logged off


1369-06    (03me8 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I like this guy. He likes me. Does that make us boyfriend and
> girlfriend, or just random people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} if you're 5: friends
} 10: enemies
} 15: BF & GF, or enemies, if something broke you up
} 20: Random People, or living together
} 25: Fiances, or Pen pals
} 30: Married, or never going to see each other again
} 50: A happy couple, or an old bat and a TV scammer
}
} So, as you can see, It depends on your age.


1369-07    (4aka3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most coolly neat of all Oracles, I beg of thee, please hear the
> supplication of this lowly mortal.
>
> I recently got a job privinf call-in phone support for an American cell
> phone servcie. Judging by the calls I have listened in on during
> training, a lot of the calls I will be answering will be from utter
> morons who ask "How do I turn off my cell phone?" or "What do you mean
> I have to pay for those 250 text messages over my limit of 100 free
> ones?"
>
> I ask thee, what is the best way for me to keep from calling them
> idiots while answering their questions so I won't get fired?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do what I do with brainless suplicants, imagine them in their
} underwear.  After that traumatic experience, their moronic questions
} won't seem half as bad.
}
} You owe The Oracle a phone that doesn't ring 10 seconds after he's
} climbed into the bath.


1369-08    (59jc2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle grant me an answer!
> What character of Stargate Atlantis are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's reason this out, supplicant.  In fact, I will cater to your
} PowerPoint poisoned mind by showing you a bulleted list.
}
}  - I have vast powers that you are just beginning to understand.
}
}  - I need a supplicant base on which to feed, er, I mean from whom I can
}    demand offerings.  Without supplicants, I might just as well
}    hibernate.
}
}  - I possess highly advanced technology (e.g., the Zot Staff).
}
}  - I often succumb to cliches.
}
}  - I have a beautiful consort.  No, wait, nobody on Stargate Atlantis
}    has any kind of consort, beautiful or otherwise.  Strike this point.
}
}  - In spite of all my advanced technology, the supplicants that annoy me
}    the most keep coming back and annoying me more, no matter how much I
}    shoot at them.  Don't you dare suggest more time on the shooting
}    practice range.
}
}  - I am cocky.
}
} I should think it was obvious, supplicant.  Clearly I am the City of
} Atlantis.
}
} You owe the Oracle a treatise entitled, "Long-Term Effects of Megadoses
} of Prozac on Wraith Biochemistry", and a reason why the colonists did
} not make poison darts out of the Hoffan miracle drug.


1369-09    (47hg3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To grovel this time I've flown in on Groucho's You
> Bet Your Life duck, carrying $100, to be divided.
> I give half of the money to you.  Who gets the other
> half?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, before I answer that, let me give you a free piece of advice.
} If you divide the $100 dollar bill into five parts as perscribed by
} the Banach-Tarski decomposition, you will be able to re-assemble the
} pieces into two identical $100 dollar bills. Repeat this process n
} times to earn 100*2^n dollars. Once you have produced enough money
} in this way, give the $50 to me, give $50 to, ooh, I don't know,
} Patrick Swayze, and use the remaining squillion dollars to build
} a huge city the size of Texas in central South America. Get the
} top architects in the world to design everything as perfectly as
} possible, and then make it completely free for anyone to live there
} (but be sure to include a clause that any crime committed will get
} them kicked out of the city permanently in order to keep civil rest).
} Now, watch as the world's population flock to the city and you will
} permanently have distorted the world's balance of power. Don't forget
} to name the city "Kiss-My-Ass-burg" in order to amuse yourself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss
} Challenge".


1369-10    (59id2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most bored and benevolent,
>
> Please tell me 011010000110111101110111001000000110110101100001011011100
> 111100100100000011100000110010101101111011100000110110001100101001000000
> 111010101101110011001000110010101110010011100110111010001100001011011100
> 110010000100000011101000110100001101001011100110010111000100000010000010
> 110110100100000010010010010000001100001001000000110011001110010011001010
> 110000101101011001000000110011001101111011100100010000001100001011100110
> 110101101101001011011100110011100111111001000000100111001101111001000000
> 111001001100101011000010110110001101100011110010010000001100001011011010
> 010000001001001001111110010000001011001011011110111010100100000011000110
> 110000101101110001000000111010001100101011011000110110000100000011011010
> 110010100111111

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I admire your courage to attempt the extra credit question, trying to
} calculate all the bits of pi in 3.717 fixed-point notation, but I'm
} afraid your algorithm is flawed. The 318th bit after your implied radix
} should be 0, not 1. I suggest you re-check your work - you may have a
} speck of dirt that made a 1 look like a 0.
}
} You -did- write down your work, didn't you? You DIDN'T? What did your
} teachers tell you about showing your work! You could have gotten
} partial credit! As it is, I'll have to give you a 0.00000000000000000000
} 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
} 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
} 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
} 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
} 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
} 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
} 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
} 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
} 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
} 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000,


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