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Internet Oracularities #137

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137, 137-01, 137-02, 137-03, 137-04, 137-05, 137-06, 137-07, 137-08, 137-09, 137-10


Usenet Oracularities #137    (15 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 28 Mar 90 09:06:44 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

137   15 votes 15513 16242 24432 32730 32154 32532 23631 34233 32613 13443
137   3.0 mean  3.0   3.0   2.9   2.7   3.3   2.9   2.9   2.9   2.9   3.3


137-01    (15513 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle tell me, what is the meaning
> of "antidisestablishmentarianism"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations--You are the 999,999,999,999,999,999,999th human to ask
} a question of Us.  Unfortunately, We do not have any prizes to present
} to you.  However, We do have a spectacualar prize package for the
} 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000th querant.  So, as a consolation, We will
} tell you what you would have won, had you thought a minute longer and
} come up with a *good* question.
}
} Your prize package would have included:
}
}         10 all expense paid years at the fabulous Club Olympus!  Relax
}         in the Elysian Fields!  Drink all the nectar and eat all the
}         ambrosia you could ever want.  (Prophylactics not
}         included--Aphrodite is tested hourly).
}
}         1 free answer from the Oracle--no payment required.
}
}         A date with either:  Lisa the net.sex.goddess, Barbara the
}         net.suppleness.goddess, Brad the net.sex.god, or Jerry the
}         net.humor.god
}
}         A lifetime supply of Rice-a-roni--the San Francisco treat!
}
} You owe the Oracle.  You *know* you owe the Oracle.  Let's not get more
} explicit than that, okay?


137-02    (16242 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm trying to make a list of the main topics on this list.  I've thought
> of Lisa, Dan Quayle, silly poetry, and of course woodchucks and "why
> don't I make rec.humor" whines.  What have I forgotten?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've forgotten:
}
}   1.  Requests for oracle top ten lists.
}   2.  Stories of oracular childhood.
}   3.  The oracular Dr. Ruth hotline.
}   4.  Requests for information from HELL.
}   5.  Philosophical searches (is god@berkley real?).
}   6.  Subscription requests for alt.flame.
}
} That should cover the other major topics.
}
} Expect this one:
}
}   7.  Explanations of the ``You owe the oracle'' line.
}
} You owe the oracle an explanation of the ``You owe the oracle'' line.


137-03    (24432 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What kinds of souvenirs can I get in upstate new york ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Trees and trolls and telephone poles,
} And cannonballs made out of wax;
} Fleas and foals and filigree bowls,
} And pyramids stuffed up with flax.
}
} Bells and banners and barbarous manners
} And towers and treacle and trumpets,
} Cells and scanners and sleek salamanders,
} And crisp, irresistable crumpets.
}
} Carrot-lime custard and steaming roast bustard
} And hats and hamburgers all handy,
} An easily flustered old maker of mustard,
} And cats and conclusions and candy.
}
} Miles and miles of oracle files,
} And currys of shrimp and delight,
} And piles and piles of giggles and smiles,
} That last quite a while in the night.
}
} Beetles and bottles and bowls of wattles,
} And fabulous hedges of heather,
} Cuddles and coddles, ceramical pottles --
} And that's not to mention the weather!


137-04    (32730 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wondrous Oracle, master of all information (even the kinky
> stuff), what happens to the bits of files which are deleted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They get sucked off the disk by a woman with a Hoover and put out for
} the dustmen in a blue plastic bag every Tuesday.


137-05    (32154 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What kind of things does George Bush for fun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh... How 'bout a top ten list?
}
} 10) Golf
} 9)  Invade small bannana republics
} 8)  Fly Air-Force one over slums
} 7)  Golf
} 6)  Checkers with his Evil Twin, "Skippy"
} 5)  Grabbing his stomach and screaming "OW! My APPENDIX" While Dan is
}     in the Room, then saying, "Ha ha! Just kidding."
} 4)  #5 with reporters.
} 3)  Golf
} 2)  Not having sex with Barbera
} 1)  Sticking his dick in America's collective asshole.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Democratic President.


137-06    (32532 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mysterious oracle,please answer me this question:-
> wibble?
> what does it mean to you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Glad You Asked That!  The letters W-I-B-B-L-E, of course, have profound
} implications in the infamous newsgroup rec.humor.  They are:
}
} (1) The initials of a car company, Western Illinois Brick, Bone &
} Lightning Engines.  Of course, everybody on rec.humor wishes to inform
} you that the initials are REALLY "What an Incredibly Bumbling Bad Little
} Engine," "Why I Bought?  Big Liquor Event," or "Wussy, Ignorant,
} Buttfucked, Bitchy, Lickbutt, Enflatulated."
} (2) The beginning of a joke:  "Wednesday, In the Batcave, Batman's
} Libido Expanded.  He called up Superman and, to make a long story short,
} the Invisible Man got it in the end."
} (3) What the Greyhound management was quoted as saying as yet another
} bus came under sniper attack:  "What Inventive Boisterous Belligerent
} Labor Elements!"
} (4) What somebody on rec.humor said about their computer:  "Wow!  It's a
} Bit Better than your Little Electronics!  Really, I don't even have to
} THINK using this computer!  Not that I do anyway!  No matter what I do,
} it's going to crash, so I don't even try!"
} (5) Of course, it's possible that "wibble" is just a serious subliminal
} message meant to induce paranoia.  Ha ha, we were just fnord kidding.
}
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE:  A virus to go hunt out and exterminate all the
} non-humor on rec.humor...


137-07    (23631 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oh Oh Oracle baby, wost wise and fair,
> can I get a job without cutting my hair?
> It's lovely and long and blond (almost nearly)
> It took two years to grow, and I love it dearly.
>
> It's great for attracting loose lovely gals
> some guys want lovers instead of just pals.
> I suppose I could go for young boys or mooses
> though neither really has the same kinds of juices.
>
> I'm due to move on from this fine institution
> but first, it seems, it demands retribution.
> I can put it under a hat, or in a cute ponytail
> or stick it up in the air like the eye of a snail.
>
> But I just want to keep it hanging over my eyes
> so I can drag it across a few young ladies' thighs.
>
>
> PS: Please hurry, I only have 2 and a half semesters to go!
> PPS: My elf says hi!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy.  Comb it so it'll fit under a formal-sorta-looking hat.  Then
} never take your hat off during work, unless someone asks you to.
} Then you can trip them out.
}
} Sorry this doesn't rhyme, but then most modern poetry doesn't.


137-08    (34233 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HELP!!!!!
> I want to meet Alyssa Brown.  I think she is hot.  Also the weather is
> affecting my libido.
> How do I do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The weather is affecting your libido because of your job.  You work
} hard every day, flying your tiny two-prop plane to 5,000 feet at six
} in the morning, loaded to capacity with droplets of dry ice.  You
} spend a full ten hours seeding the clouds with dry ice so that rain is
} produced.  The people of the third-world countries, whom you bless
} with your painstaking and gracious gift of rain, are greatly
} appreciative, and they give you collections of brightly-colored rocks
} and shrunken heads.  However, your work is tiring.  You spend nine and
} one-half hours scanning the skies for seedable clouds, and you take
} only thirty minutes for your lunch break, during which you tie the
} plane's throttle and steering wheel to their respective places with
} dental floss.  All in all, very grueling work.  The pay is very poor:
} several bags of quartz and three shrunken heads per week.  You have no
} health insurance.  It is easy for the Oracle, or anyone else, to see
} how your work with the weather is affecting your sex drive.  You just
} don't feel like masturbating like you used to.  Your hand has started
} to notice, and it has become generally pouty and difficult to get
} along with.  Your home life with your hand is in a shambles: it has
} stopped wearing its wedding ring.
}
} So, naturally, you think that this may be the time for you, an
} underpaid and underskilled cloud seeder, to break away from your hand
} and start a new life with Alyssa Brown.  She is, as you say, hot.  Can
} a confused, sexually frustrated geek like yourself get up the courage
} to leave your hand behind and start a new life?  Do you think that you
} can do without the masturbation that has made the relationship between
} you and your hand such an enjoyable, fulfilling one?  How can you make
} the break, when the time comes?  With bittersweet understanding?  With
} harsh resentment?  With a Ginsu knife?
}
} The Oracle has pondered the lifepaths which may result, should you
} decide to leave your hand and go after Alyssa.  Take note: Alyssa
} Brown is a rather intelligent, college junior with good manners and
} nice breasts.  You are an underpaid, socially inept nerd with an
} Internet tap and a closet full of very small, brown heads.  Sorry.  It
} just won't happen.  Alyssa has her pick of cute guys, lining up to
} whisk her away to Venice, Paris, New Dehli, and Munich in their
} Concordes; your two-prop job can get her maybe to Cleveland.  Alyssa's
} bevy of masculine forms pour forth splendiferous love offerings:
} diamonds, rubies, emeralds, beryls.  In comparison your quartz would
} implode and decompose into shiny dust, if crystalline structures were
} able to feel shame.  Alyssa makes intelligent, rounded, erudite
} conversation with her suitors: they talk of the philosophy of Kant,
} Rawls, Aristotle, Mill.  You would just keep asking "Wanna see my head
} collection?"  Figuratively, you are as a small splattered insect on
} the windshield of Alyssa's 1971 Jaguar.  Realistically, you don't have
} a snowball's chance in hell.
}
} Stay with your hand.  You were made for one another.  Remember the
} moonlit nights on the shores of the Hudson; remember the policeman
} catching the two of you together and firing those warning shots.
} Remember how you and your hand laughed, because you were in love and
} therefore impervious to bullets.  Do you understand what the Oracle is
} getting at?  Square it with your hand.  Buy a dozen ... well, a
} half-dozen ... no, buy two roses for your hand, and gently ask it
} about the missing ring.  Tell your hand how no one has ever touched
} you like your hand does.  The Oracle promises that your hand will be
} deeply moved, and your essences will grow closer and more deliciously
} inextricable.  You will forget that you ever wanted a human female
} over your wonderful, grasping appendage.  Yes, stay with your hand;
} after each lonely, grueling, cloud-seeding day, coming home to your
} hand will be as a genesis, a rainbow, a reason for living.


137-09    (32613 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Today is my first anniversary with my girl.  Do you have any advice?
>
> Signed, happy, dressed in a tuxedo, and ready for dinner.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tell her the story of the day that you met.  Tell her what you
} thought back then, and how your feelings have changed and matured.
} Tell her the things you like the most about her, and of the times
} that you've loved her most.  Don't say, "You're so pretty"; tell her
} what her prettiest features are and why they're so pretty.  Look
} into her eyes and smile like you can't stop yourself.


137-10    (13443 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm sorry, I didn't quite understand your last answer.  Could
> you please clarify it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure.  I'll lay this out in a much easier-to-follow format.  First, we
} start with the categorical imperative as defined by Immanuel Kant and
} from that derive the concepts of dignity, respect, and human
} emancipation as defined in Rawls's "Theory of Justice."  We presuppose
} Rawls's idea of the "veil of ignorance" and from there we work up to
} Calvinism, Mill's utilitarian gamut and Nozickian premises of Anarchy,
} State, and Utopia.  We will note that this is the base case for an
} inductive diagonalization proof as follows:  Let T(A') be the set of
} all Turing machines that do not accept themselves.  If easily follows
} by cross-cultural concepts that T(W), a Turing machine that accepts
} T(A'), must be Nozickian in architecture.  Hence we verify that
} Church's Thesis is a large pile of feces, and he was just showing off
} when he wrote it, trying to get laid at a party or something.
}
} Let Q be the set of non-deterministic finite automata that runs in
} O(N) time.  Let S be the set of deterministic finite automata that run
} in O(1) time where O(1) is just a funky term meaning "constant."  Let
} QS be the product of the two described algorithms.  Let R be the
} children of the algorithms.  Let O(D) be the time required for the
} algorithms to get a divorce.  Let O(Al) be the amount of alimony paid
} by Q to S.  From this we may see that Church's Thesis is a large pile
} of feces, and he was just showing off when he wrote it, trying to get
} laid at a party or something.
}
} Q.E.D.
}
} You owe the Oracle an formal proof or a formal evening gown.


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