[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:52:19 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1370

Goto:
1370, 1370-01, 1370-02, 1370-03, 1370-04, 1370-05, 1370-06, 1370-07, 1370-08, 1370-09, 1370-10


Internet Oracularities #1370    (50 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 25 Sep 2004 16:15:44 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1370
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1370  50 votes 49bh9 48hk1 06hed 3ebca 3dn65 3amd2 aafb4 05bp9 3dha7 16me7
1370  3.2 mean  3.4   3.1   3.7   3.2   2.9   3.0   2.8   3.8   3.1   3.4


1370-01    (49bh9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Orrie!  You're so sweet.  How was your day?  I had a terrible time
> first thing this morning with the traffic, and there was an accident on
> Spring Street, this little Nissan just all crunched from hitting some
> sort of a truck.  I think it was a bread truck, because I remember
> seeing it and wondering whether we had an extra loaf of bread at home,
> and I thought about calling you on the cell phone, but then I decided
> with the traffic and the accident I probably shouldn't.  I did go past
> the grocery store, but I didn't stop because by then it was really late
> and when I saw Starbucks I remembered that I was supposed to have lunch
> with Jan today.  It's kind of funny, really, that Starbucks reminded me
> about that, because Jan hates coffee of any kind, and she *certainly*
> wouldn't pay for Starbucks.  But take her to Nordstrom and she'll spend
> money like nobody's business!  Last time I saw her, you would not
> believe the blouse she was wearing ... Orrie, are you listening?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa! Your sister's here. Again.


1370-02    (48hk1 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> okay dude like i give up
> theres no good weed anywhere since my uncle got busted and tips are
> barely covering repairs to my car anyway so even if i found weed i
> couldnt afford it
> at least i get free food but damn im sick of cold burnt pizza
> so anyway my buddy ricky says you help people out and i need help
> what do i gotta do here to get out of this crappy life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stand up straight. Straighter.
}
} Comb your hair. No, cut it. Real short.
}
} Put on some other clothes. Yeah, the jeans without holes will do fine,
} if you wash them. Twice.
}
} Right. Now go. Find a "Help Wanted" sign in one of the shops. Get in
} there, ask for a job.
}
} ...
}
} You didn't get it. You won't get the next one either. Nor the 8792
} other jobs that you are going to apply for befor you die an untimely
} death from a combination of pneumonia and walking in front of a bus.
}
} If it is any consolation, this is not due to your drug psychosis or
} your itching skin condition (which is, I should inform you, highly
} contagious and not "just a rash" as you use to claim.)
}
} You are simply what we higher beings call an accidental minor deity.
} Someone - an artist with a nice unemployment package somewhere in
} Scandinavia, I think - started worshipping the god of unemployment who
} enabled him to live for his art on the taxpayers' dough and the
} Universe, seeing there was an amount of worship and no fitting vacuum
} in which to put it, selected you as god of unemployment. This happened
} exactly when you saw that "Help Wanted" sign and started to get your
} hopes up.
}
} My fault?
}
} How dare you? I ought to zot you, but then, your present fate is so
} much crueler than instant obliteration. Have fun.
}
} You owe me much entertainment. You _will_ pay.


1370-03    (06hed dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which eulogy starter is better:
> "He died the way he lived, buck naked" or
> "He died saving his family from a burning building"
> Time is a factor on this one

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The nude got stewed saving his brood.


1370-04    (3ebca dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Maker of the biggest and meanest clue sticks,
>
> Ever notice that Tigger, the lovable character from the Pooh series,
> looks an awful lot like a tiger?  It's like they just added an extra
> 'g' and created something completely different!  And C++ is pretty
> similar to C, but they added two pluses to make it sort of different.
> Makes me wonder what cofe is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tonight, on "Newsnight", an exclusive story. The Church of England,
} commonly abbreviated CofE, is accused of deriving its name and identity
} from coffee. With us tonight we have Rev. Marshmallow, the head of
} CofE's PR department, Lucifer Beelzebub dePfeffel Johnson, satanic
} overlord of the world, and Angus Deayton, disgraced former host of the
} quiz show "Have I Got News For You".
}
} I'd like to start with you, reverend Marshmallow. Is there any truth in
} these allegations?
}
} (Rev. Marshmallow) Certainly not. The CofE has nothing to do with
} coffee, in any way, shape or form. It merely is a vessel for the heroic
} deeds of Jesus Christ, our lord.
}
} (Anchor) Do you mean "heroic" in the sense "heroin"? Are you saying
} Christ was a junkie?
}
} (Lucifer, butting in) Yeah! YEAH! GROWWWRRRR!
}
} (Rev. Marshmallow) No! What a ludicrous thing to say! Jesus, our
} Saviour, was only, in quotes, "high" on life, God and the shining
} divinity of being!
}
} (Anchor) And by shining you mean "zionist". So, Jesus was a
} fundamentalist jew?
}
} (Rev.) Preposterous! If anything, Jesus fought actively against....
}
} (Anchor) "Anything" as in "amphetamine". You seem to be going back on
} your claim that Jesus was not a drug addict.
}
} (Rev.) I.. I never claimed...
}
} (Anchor) "Claimed", of course, is short for "clay motherfucker". There
} is no need for that sort of language, rev, Marshmallow.
}
} (Rev.) But... but... I... never...
}
} (Anchor) "I Never" as in "I am a flaming homosexual pederast"? Well,
} it's good of you to admit it...
}
} (The reverend Marshmallow explodes)
}
} *applause*
}
} (Anchor): Thankyou, thankyou. The timer is at... 28 seconds, which
} places reverend Marshmallow on third place on or master scoreboard for
} "Who wants to make a religious leader explode with indignance?", right
} underneath Mullah Fatima and our unreachable leader on the board, Rabbi
} Wankelstein, who exploded in less than 0.6 seconds after being told
} that he looked like a pig with a milk moustache.
}
} We'll see you next time, folks!
}
} *theme music*


1370-05    (3dn65 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Substantial but wildly aetherial Oracle, I crawl on my belly
> muttering obsequious phrases that don't even make sense, to
> show you my unworthiness to stand seated before you.
>
> Should I still bet on the Bosox for the Pennant? The Series?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I recommend betting on the Botox instead.  Consider:
}
}         BOSOX                  BOTOX
}         ^^^^^                  ^^^^^
}      Have Varitek.         Is high-tech.
}
}  Are based in Wrigley.    Abates wrinkly.
}
}     Appear on ESPN.       Infomercialized.
}
}  Had Boggs, now don't.  Had bags, now don't.
}
} So, there you have it, Supplicant.  Botox in four.
}
} You owe the Oracle a muscle relaxant.  Lisa's tired.


1370-06    (3amd2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, master of computer science and art, please help me!
>
> Where I work we make software (programs that run on a PC) and firmware
> (programs that run on dedicated machinery, like a VCR.). Like any
> company struggling to be profitable, we want to expand into new
> markets. Our Marketing manager has heard of something called
> "eveningware," and wants us to come up with a product.
>
> What does eveningware run on? And what's the best programming language
> for writing eveningware? We tried writing a tupperware program once,
> but it failed because people kept putting potato salad in it. What are
> people likely to try to put in eveningware?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To best determine what you should turn this "eveningware" project into,
} think about what you yourself like to do in the evening after a long,
} hard day of programming at work.  That's right - look at porn and read
} some news!  Eveningware will be a dedicated piece of machinery (you can
} leave the details up to marketing and the engineers, though I think the
} traditional VR-glasses would work best) that displays HOT YOUNG (fill
} in the blank) on one side, and 17 DEAD IN (fill in the blank) on the
} other!
}
} Of course, it will also be best if you get some sort of central
} eveningware satellite up and running before you release the thing.  You
} know, display the same news and porn to everyone at once.  That way, no
} one will miss anything, and the whole world will be perfect.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bus ticket to visit you in hell.


1370-07    (aafb4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mvsopen <nozotting@aol.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, what's the diff between love and intimate relations?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One requires a cigarette after, the other a cigar before.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new, *clean*, dress.


1370-08    (05bp9 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Intensely brilliant Oracle, your flashing lights fall
> on my deafph ears. My nose dive-bombs into the garlic
> jar to avoid your well-aimed wrath. While you wait, I
> grovel violently and spumoniously, all the while
> keeping one foot in Italy.
>
> How can I avoid falling in love with the wrong guys
> every time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While this probably won't help you fall in love with the _right_ guy,
} but you asked how to keep falling in love with the _wrong_ guy.
} Probably it takes you more than one day to fall in love with someone,
} so if you simply eliminate a guy from your life if he exhibits any of
} the following habits or characteristics, you're sure not to fall in
} love with the wrong guy.
}
}  1) He mentions sex early on when meeting you. This means he is
}     interested in nothing but sex, and is possibly a sicko.
}  2) He never mentions sex. He is obviously a repressed jerk.
}  3) He has a girlfriend. If he will cheat on his girlfriend with you,
}     he will cheat on you with his next girl.
}  4) He doesn't have a girlfriend. If no one else wants him, why should
}     you?
}  5) He's attractive. If he's attractive, he must be a jerk. Blow him
}     off.
}  6) He's unattractive, or at least doesn't look like he could be on
}     TV. The only real men are the ones on TV, or who could be on TV.
}  7) He has a high-powered, high-paying job. He'll never be home and
}     will sleep with his secretary all the time.
}  8) He has a crappy job (janitor, college professor, teacher,
}     paralegal). You want to be associated with that crap?
}  9) He is gay. Many women find gay men attractive, but this can only
}     lead to heartbreak.
} 10) He is straight. Straight men are interested in only one thing. The
}     sweetest straight man in the world is actually a cold-hearted
}     criminal at heart, and will re-invent his entire personality and
}     appearance just to get into your pants and stay there.
}
} If you avoid all those guys, you're sure not to fall in love with the
} wrong one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Diebold voting machine.


1370-09    (3dha7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wonderful Oracle, who understands the French far
> better than they do themselves, I am in need of
> your vast linguistic and musical services.
>
> There's a song for which the chorus is something
> like this:
>
>   Voyez-vous des zombies lM-`, les zombies
>   et des loups-garoux . . .
>
> It's been haunting my brain, and with Hallowe'en
> approaching, I feel slightly terrified by it.
>
> What are the rest of the words in the song?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I will translate the entire song for you, including the first lines,
} which you already know.  You can have someone else make it rhyme.  The
} Oracle doesn't do that anymore after a certain collaboration with a
} certain Nabokov...
}
} Do you see some zombies there,
} Some zombies and some werewolves?
} You don't?  well don't worry,
} for they are coming,
} you may be sure.
} first the zombies will attack you
} and while you defend yourself,
} the werewolves will consume your face
} (consume your face!)
} and when you become quite faceless, then
} the zombies will
} invite you to dinner.
} At the dinner you will be quite uncomfortable
} and unable to eat, but
} you will not want to be rude so you will not
} excuse yourself, and will sit there in a lot of pain.
} the werewolves will arrive late with some lame excuse.
} The party will seem never to end, and you
} will make many trips to the bathroom
} just to break up the pain.
} Finally, before the party begins to break up
} one of the werewolves, as if he hadn't chewed
} it off hours earlier, will say "say, is
} there something wrong with your face?"
} You will look at him and start to cry
} and then they will all laugh at you
} and the party will continue.
}
} It is a pretty terrifying song.  It plays on some basic human fears,
} like the fear of being stuck at an endlessly miserable and endlessly
} continuing party for a thousand years.
}
} Where'd you hear that song, anyway?
}
} You owe the Oracle some foundation.


1370-10    (16me7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> New! Zot-Blocker 3000!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh-huh.  Well, I think I can tell you right now that I'm not
} interested.
}
} Yeah, I'm not interested.  Thank you for calling...oh wait!
}
} Wait!  Take me off your call list, okay?
}
} What?
}
} Yes, I want to be added to your do-not-call list.
}
} I have to talk to your supervisor?  Well, okay.
}
} Yes, I'll hold.
}
} *do do do do do do do do do do do do, da da de de da do do *
}
} He's not in?  Well, when will he be in?
}
} You don't know, eh?  Well, just have him call me back...no!  Don't have
} him call me back!  Just don't ever call again!  Okay?
}
} Do I want you to put the order through?  Put WHAT order through?  The
} order not to be called anymore?  Yes, put that order through.
}
} Okay, yes, goodbye!
}
} *click*
}
} RRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG
}
} Hello?
}
} "New! Zot-Blocker 3000!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a mobius strip.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org