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Internet Oracularities #1371

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1371, 1371-01, 1371-02, 1371-03, 1371-04, 1371-05, 1371-06, 1371-07, 1371-08, 1371-09, 1371-10


Internet Oracularities #1371    (49 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 08 Oct 2004 09:19:43 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
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   1371
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1371  49 votes 05bna 1br91 25gl5 2ija0 088ej chd52 1alf2 698dd 2jfc1 25haf
1371  3.2 mean  3.8   3.0   3.4   2.8   3.9   2.3   3.1   3.4   2.8   3.6


1371-01    (05bna dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Nozotting@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohracle, oh ohracle, why did I just have such a beautiful and intense
> dream?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, that *was* pretty intense, wasn't it?
}
} Okay, here's the rundown.  The bit at the beginning with the hamsters
} was a symbolic representation of parenthood, which is why Superman was
} there--did you notice he was wearing your father's shoes?
}
} Your wood shop teacher from high school was yelling at you about how
} you were building the hamster cage, and that's obviously a
} fear-of-authority thing, but he was wearing lipstick because he also
} represented your own uncertainty about issues of sexuality.  The adult
} diapers were a symbol for childish vulnerability.
}
} Obviously, the fact that this was all happening in Germany in the 1930s
} was about impending mortality and the larger sweep of history, but
} mainly it was because you'd been listening to the _Producers_
} soundtrack before you went to bed (that's really the only reason Paris
} Hilton and Brad Pitt were doing that goose-stepping tapdance with those
} little fake Hitler mustaches on their lips, too, right before they
} started licking the backs of your knees).
}
} The cheese factory was puberty, and the part where you started growing
} antlers that dripped blood was a combined phallic/menstrual
} image--which is a pretty rare and sophisticated thing to get in a
} dream, I have to tell you!  Kudos.  Of course I hardly need explain the
} bit where your wood shop teacher comes back in and cuts them off with a
} circular saw.
}
} I hope this explanation is helpful to you.  Do keep an eye on tonight's
} dreams, by the way!  There'll be some particularly amusing rebirth
} symbolism in the one about John Kerry setting you on fire and turning
} you into a big chicken.
}
} You owe the Oracle some eggs.


1371-02    (1br91 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great one! Wise one!
>
> i have this terrible crush ona  workmate. Should I kiss him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm feeling a little under the weather today, and am not quote up to my
} usual omniscience.  I feel bad, but what can I do?  I think maybe it
} was those shellfish.  I can answer your question, but it is too much
} effort right now to tell which gender you are and whether you are
} attractive.  I will supply answers for all four possibilities:
}
} If you are male and attractive - no.  He will take offense and the fact
} that you are good-looking will further poison his heart against you.
}
} If you are male and unattractive - no.  He will take offense and the
} fact that you are not good-looking will further poison his heart
} against you.
}
} If you are female and attractive - no.  He will freak out and die.
}
} If you are female and unattractive - no.  He will freak out and die.
}
} Preferable by far to a kiss is an anonymous love note, or the
} introduction of a family of chipmunks into one of the drawers of his
} desk.
}
} You owe the Oracle some wax lips.


1371-03    (25gl5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a joke in here somewhere?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (looks down the length of the bar at the various patrons)
}
} No jokes, but a priest, a rabbi, and a horse just walked into the
} bar.


1371-04    (2ija0 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Criminal activity?  What's that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's examine criminal activity.
}
} First, we observe the criminal at rest, slumbering
} contentedly, dreaming of ill-gotten gains.  There is
} little or no activity.
}
} Next, we examine him when he is awake.  He moves about,
} but without performing any criminal acts.
}
} Finally we watch him on a caper.  His knife is ready,
} and he believes himself invincible.  He moves about
} quite a bit, collecting loot and piling it up.
}
} Oh, I forgot, after arrest and conviction, we get to
} watch him in the slammer.  He's pacing back and forth,
} trying to figure out how to not get caught next time.
}
} Those are the basic activities.
}
} You owe the Oracle your promise that you won't try
} this at home.


1371-05    (088ej dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Isn't Natural selection based on circular reasoning:
> the fittest are those who survive, and those who
> survive are deemed the fittest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, that's two separate statements, but I understand your confusion:
} proponents of Natural Selection will promote one or the other.  If
} you gathered a hundred of them in a school gymnasium, about half would
} state the first, a third would state the second, and the remainder
} would state both... but they're more confused than you are, and won't
} notice that I've locked the doors on the gym.
}
} Natural Selection, like homeostatis, isn't a real force but a generic
} idea.  You can't observe Natural Selection in action, nor can you
} employ it.  When I half-fill the gymnasium with water, it's not Natural
} Selection that drowns the people who can't swim -- that's me with a
} pipewrench.
}
} The survivors who believe the first statement will be treading water
} and saying "ha!  They're dead, I'm alive, that proves that people who
} can swim are more deserving of surviving!"  The survivors who believe
} the second statement will be treading water and saying "not
} necessarily; we're not out of this mess yet, so just swimming isn't
} enough to prove we're fit to survive."  At this point the snipers pop
} out and shoot anyone who's been talking out loud.
}
} Those who believed in both statements at the same time, without
} bothering with the contradiction, were silently reconsidering their
} position: how can a casual relationship between fitness and survival
} operate in both directions?  But, humans are fascinating in their
} ability to believe many things at once, intentionally ignorant of any
} overlap or contradictions.  For these silent contemplators, I release
} the sharks into the water.
}
} Ah, but with one's last dying breath, a shark-hunting Natural Selection
} philosopher might say "ah, the sharks were the most fit to survive, as
} we believers in Natural Selection are drowned, shot, and torn to shreds
} by the blood-frenzied sharks, but the sharks are still swimming.  Well,
} if that last philosopher manages to keep body and spirit together just
} a little longer, I'll run 20,000 volts through the flooded gymnasium,
} stunning the sharks enough to asphyxiate them all just to prove my
} point.
}
} My point being: Natural Selection doesn't exist.  Those who survive,
} survive.  Those who don't, don't.  It's up to each creature to survive
} and perpetuate their genotype, and staying away from gymnasiums filled
} with philosophers is a step in the right direction.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Machiavelli's "The Prince."


1371-06    (chd52 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's broken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ummm...let's see...your hands?
}
} *buzzer sound*
}
} Damn. Your feet?
}
} *buzzer sound*
}
} Ugh. Your nose?
}
} *buzzer sound*
}
} NOT WORTH IT!
}
} *****ZOT*****
}
} You owe the Oracle a game show that's actually fun.


1371-07    (1alf2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fresh clean air around my head, mornings tumble out of bed...
>
> Oracle, greatest of all beings, will you tell me what the purpose of
> rabbits is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rabbits have several purpouses depending on who you talk to. Here's the
} big list.
}
} Darwin- To make more new and improved rabbits
} Dawkins- To act as a vessel for the genes which make up a rabbit's DNA
} Og- Mmm. Snack with den-tal floss.
} Aristotle- To embody all the qualities of rabbitness.
} Adams- To build themselves a new home, to make an allegorical story and
}   to make me a lot of money.
} Lisa- (No answer given to the question, but I was unable to stop her
}   giggling for at least half a day.)
}
} You owe it to the oracle to stop rabbiting on.


1371-08    (698dd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, wisest of the wise guys,
>
> Would it be appropriate to pay my respects to Rodney Dangerfield?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He wouldn't get them.


1371-09    (2jfc1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Orrie wilson,
>
> how do you avoid Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By bracing the tunnels with metatarsal struts.  And keeping a canary
} around, to check for dangerous levels of gas.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fresh canary.


1371-10    (25haf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and grandly defecating Oracle,
>
> We're moving this Saturday, and I've hardly gotten anything into boxes
> yet. Could you lend me your mass-transference apparatus so I can move
> our furniture and belongings with minimal trouble?
>
> Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <knock-knock-knock>
}
}    Supplicant: Yes?
}
} Delivery Dude: This the Supplicant household?
}
}    Supplicant: Well, yes, I guess so.
}
} [ Delivery Dude stares at Supplicant as he slowly
}   shifts his cigar from one side of his mouth to
}   the other. ]
}
}    Supplicant: Yes, yes. This is the Supplicant household.
}
} Delivery Dude: Sign, here. And here. And then you can
}                take delivery of the dangest big honkin'
}                sling-shot I've ever seen.


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