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Internet Oracularities #1372

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1372, 1372-01, 1372-02, 1372-03, 1372-04, 1372-05, 1372-06, 1372-07, 1372-08, 1372-09, 1372-10


Internet Oracularities #1372    (43 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 26 Oct 2004 08:33:58 -0500 (EST)

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1372  43 votes 5dj60 38de5 15kd4 1bfd3 33fca 068gd 56eg2 38ag6 58ec4 08bg8
1372  3.3 mean  2.6   3.2   3.3   3.1   3.5   3.8   3.1   3.3   3.0   3.6


1372-01    (5dj60 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Nozotting@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O oracle who is all-knowing, please tell me..
> Well, anything you like, I'm not going to get on your bad side by
> making demands of you, oh no. I've heard of the staff of zot, so don't
> mind me, tell me.... something.  whatever, O great one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for calling the Oracle.  Your question has been resolved by
} our automatic answering system.  Please select from the following
} clichM-i responses:
}
} 1) *ZOT*
} 2) 42
} 3) E=MC^2
} 4) Thank you for calling the Oracle.  Your question has been resolved
} by our automatic answering system.


1372-02    (38de5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Nozotting@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> why is that cat watching me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you keep poking your head out and squeaking.  Shut up for a
} bit, go back into your hole, eat your cheese, and he'll go away.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better mousetrap.


1372-03    (15kd4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I *told* them not to put that thing in the microwave, but would they
> listen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear supplicant. You specifically told them it would be a bad idea
} to put it in the microwave.
} You told them that it would be painful
} You told them that it would be dangerous
} You told them NOT to do it under any circumstances.
}
} But you demonstrated the effects of a microwave oven on marshmallows
} And they're 13.
} What did you expect them to do.
}
} You owe the oracle 1000 words on the topic of "reverse psychology and
} teenagers" once you get back from the ER.


1372-04    (1bfd3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' Omniscent Oricle. What is Infinity minus Infinity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Inanity.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Infinite Jest.  Autographed.  By
} the author.


1372-05    (33fca dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear 'orrific 'oracle,
> I'm kinda getting the idea that some of my friends think  I'm strange
> because I believe, in addtion to all the other commonly-accepted
> conspiracies, that there's a media conspiracy to eliminate gender and
> promote homosexuality in the western world. Am I imagining their
> funny looks, or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
} Do you like show tunes? Gilbert and Sullivan, maybe?
} Do you see a homosex conspiracy everywhere you look?
}
} To the tune of "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"
}
}       Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
}       On radio, the movies, and especially on the TV.
}       He gets all the allusions that are made about his testicles.
}       He's jealous of the Nellies who are emptying their vesicles.
}       His mind: it never takes a break, it's never on sabbatical.
}       And he can see neuroses that are unseen by the practical.
}       When he is with a girl, he always wonders why the others
}               stare...
}       He says he's not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware.
}
} Chorus:
}       He says he's not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware.
}       He says he's not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware.
}       He says he's not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware.
}
}       He's very good at understanding hidden things surrounding us.
}       He's such a friend that he'll horn in, revealing what's
}               confounding us.
}       In short, in all the media, especially on the TV,
}       Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
}
} Chorus:
}       In short, in all the media, especially on the TV,
}       Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
}
}       He claims if he speaks out that the Authorities will lock him up.
}       But secretly he longs for some butch cop to beat and knock him up.
}       He can quote the "whats" and "whys" of matters psychological.
}       And points out to all others their psychoses pathological.
}
}       He can spot the closet queens with gaydar unassailable.
}       But says for their intentions he's completely unavailable.
}       Then he'll get into aliens, and government economy,
}       The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it's all Mayan astronomy.
}
} Chorus:
}       The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it's all Mayan astronomy.
}       The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it's all Mayan astronomy.
}       The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it's all Mayan astronomy.
}
}       He'll turn up in strange bars and diners, manic in the dead of
}               night.
}       And in angry froth and foam he'll rant about our gender-plight.
}       In short, in all the media, especially on the TV,
}       Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
}
} Chorus:
}       In short, in all the media, especially on the TV,
}       Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
}
}       He knows what is meant by "pederasty", and by "Babylon".
}       And if things are tough at home, he'll pack his bags and travel
}               on.
}       He'll reappear with a new job: a pie to stick his finger in.
}       And tell strange tales of strange affairs in places strange to
}               linger in.
}       He will saliently describe his new-found personality,
}       And castigate all those he knows: immersed in their banality.
}       In short, he's got a hang-up and he's constantly denying it.
}       But I sure wouldn't be surprised the day he ends up trying it.
}
} Chorus:
}       But I sure wouldn't be surprised the day he ends up trying it.
}       But I sure wouldn't be surprised the day he ends up trying it.
}       But I sure wouldn't be surprised the day he ends up trying it.
}
}       For all of his self knowledge, (and he is quite intellectual)
}       I guess I could be very wrong and he's not homosexual.
}       But still, in all the media, especially on the TV,
}       Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
}
} Chorus:
}       But still, in all the media, especially on the TV,
}       Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.


1372-06    (068gd dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between Pandora's box
> and Orion's belt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orion has to remove one before he gets at the other.
}
} You owe the Oracle Achilles' heel.


1372-07    (56eg2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The form requests that I enter the names of my coworkers.
>
> I don't have any cows, and there's nobody here who does
> that, at least not anymore.  Why aren't they in Indiana
> instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We'll the cows you're talking about can only be found in the dark land
} of Mordor.  You see, since the fall of Sauron, his dark army has been
} greatly depleated.  A group of evil wizards arose who decided that the
} easiest way to repopulate the army is to transform the common bovine
} into ghastly killers.  These cow orkers (or the more accepted speling,
} "cow orc-ers") therefore dwell far enough away where you don't need to
} worry about including them on any forms you fill out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vorpal cattle prod.


1372-08    (38ag6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle...
>
> we try to show what emails can do.
> Is there something to tell me how emails are working ?
> What about the secrets of emails ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would like to answer your questions, but I'm rather busy right now.
}
} You see, I'm a Nigerian Prince, who has recently been deposed in a
} coup, and needs to find $100,000 to finance a counter coup and regain
} my throne If only I could find a benefactor, I'd be happy to repay him
} 100-fold once I've regained my rightful position as head of state of
} my oil righ homeland.
}
} You owe The Oracle your bank account details.


1372-09    (58ec4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, tell me, most wise and fair Oracle:
>
> WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?  WHO?   WHO? WHO? WHO?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When the server was nice(1)'d, the drive was swappin'
} And everybody writing on wall(1)
} I tell all the users "the uptime's fallin'"
} Then the scripts go do the fork(1) call
}   The poor drive goes down
}
} WHO LET THE BOTS OUT (w? ps -ef? who?)
} WHO LET THE BOTS OUT (finger @? rwho? who?)
} WHO LET THE BOTS OUT (host -t rr? whois? who?)
} WHO LET THE BOTS OUT (lsof? ls /proc? who?)


1372-10    (08bg8 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Afternoon Orrie,
>
> I'm hoping you can help me with a most puzzling question.
>
> Every morning I take a 20 minute driver to work with a friend of mine.
> Our route takes us across country for the majority of the journey,
> passing through a small village about halfway through.
>
> Every day we see this chap walking in the opposite direction down
> the country road. He is fairly well built, although he looks a
> little unkempt.  We affectionately know him as "Beardy" on account
> of him once having a beard. (He seems to have shaved it off now,
> but the name has stuck)
>
> My question is.. What does this chap do all day?
>
> One day when I had to leave work early I saw him walking BACK the
> other way.  I once even saw him in my home town with some shopping
> bags.  that means he must walk there and back EVERY day. That's a
> good 3 hours of walking.
>
> Why? Why doesn't he get a bike? Why doesn't he get a job closer to home
> (assuming he is walking to work)
>
> I'm often tempted to turn around and give him a lift to find out more
> about him, but we're scared he might be an Axe Murderer.
>
> Anyway, are you able to shed any light on this at all?
>
> Rob

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, boy...  I hate being the one to break up one of these
} delicately-balanced government conspiracies.  You'd better sit down.
} Zadoc, get my ottoman.
}
} The short answer is--this fellow you call "Beardy"--he's you,
} Supplicant.
}
} Do you remember your childhood?  Do you remember your high school
} math teacher's name?  How about your first date?  How clearly can
} you recall these things?
}
} The real Rob was captured 6 years ago by Echelon Delta--a rogue
} offshoot of the C.I.A.--and subjected to some of the most terrible
} tortures imaginable.  He had, in the course of his long walks,
} stumbled on a secret so crucial to the security of the Echelon (along
} with several high-level, cross-government conspiracies) that they
} decided it safer to replace him than to cause him to "disappear",
} drawing attention to Rob and the route of his daily promenade.
}
} When, in the course of his escape, he discovered your partially-cloned
} body floating in a memory- implantation capsule, he turned his twin
} sumachine guns on your half-formed self.  Although he was chased off
} by the Elite Guard before he could finish the job, the capsule and
} the organism inside were nearly destroyed.  This explains your hazy
} memories--as well as that scar of yours.  Rob himself melted into
} the jungle surrounding Echelon Delta's palace.  A body wearing his
} clothes eventually washed up near the loading dock, and he was assumed
} (amid the clinking of many champagne glasses) to have drowned swimming
} back to the mainland.
}
} The facial hair was at first a relatively effective disguise, but he
} eventually opted for the more- reliable, and less-itchy, solution of
} plastic surgery.
}
} Rob's current neighbours think him a little neurotic, and his old
} neighbours do not think of him at all; but he knows that his life,
} as it was, can never be regained without once again attracting the
} attention of Echelon Delta.  Emotionally hardy and physically fit,
} he is content to continue his existence in relative poverty and
} complete obscurity, still enjoying his lengthy walks.  Each day,
} you see, he heads into your town while you are at work, peeking in
} the windows of his old home to watch his beloved children grow up.
} And silently plotting against you.
}
} Well, that's just about it.  I hope you're happy.  I strongly suggest
} avoiding unusual behaviour, and not approaching the real Rob.  For my
} part, I'll be keeping my Staff handy, and Zadoc between myself and
} the door.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box set of Philip K. Dick's less-inspired novels.


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