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Internet Oracularities #1374

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1374, 1374-01, 1374-02, 1374-03, 1374-04, 1374-05, 1374-06, 1374-07, 1374-08, 1374-09, 1374-10


Internet Oracularities #1374    (45 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 07 Dec 2004 11:46:53 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1374
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1374  45 votes 4aee3 34dj6 1aka4 9gb81 165gh 77fd3 3fg92 117co 16hd8 7ch63
1374  3.2 mean  3.0   3.5   3.1   2.5   3.9   3.0   2.8   4.3   3.5   2.7


1374-01    (4aee3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is reincarnation for real?  A huckster at a festival
> sold me a plastic carnation that he said used to belong
> to the late Rodney Dangerfield.  It's truly lovely, and
> whenever I wear it, I think of that fine and funny man.
>
> There's a bit of a problem, though.  Now I have more
> trouble than I used to.  Headwaiters used to seat me at
> a table near the good-looking women.  Now they say, "Oh,
> YOU," and if I get a table at all, it's next to the door
> to the men's room.
>
> I went to the bank to get some money and they gave me
> a bunch of 13-dollar bills with my own picture on them.
>
> At the post office, all the WANTED posters of the crooks
> look like me.
>
> My dog still likes me, but instead of jumping up on me
> (a habit I tried to cure him of) he now pees on my foot.
>
> Should I get rid of my plastic carnation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You again? Oh, listen, I'd love to give you a really good answer
} to your question. Thing is I've got a whole queue full of woodchuck
} questions and Tim Chew hair jokes. Can you come back in a day
} or two?
}
} *Private to priests*
}
} He found us. Again. Pack up your workstations and be ready to
} leave in an hour.
}
} Oh, and don't forget to delete this bit before routing the answer
} back to the supplicant.


1374-02    (34dj6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Nozotting@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Extra-huge Oracle, you know more than the Empire State
> Building, combined! I bet you know where King Kong lives.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Where he lives?  Uh...  Let me tell you a story.
} ("Citizen Kane" spoiler ahead.)
}
} Stephen Spielberg has been serious about his art of filmmaking.  He
} believed, and he is not alone, that "Citizen Kane" was one of the best
} films ever made.  He went so far as to pay $20,000 in an auction for
} the "Rosebud" sleigh, after which he said "Rosebud will go over my
} typewriter to remind me that quality in movies comes first."
}
} Later, he met Orson Welles, and he was very excited to meet the master
} of his craft.  Speilberg, with great enthusiasm, told Mr. Welles about
} the auction, the expense, the acquisition, and the reminder.  Mr.
} Welles grew quiet for a few moments and said very carefully "you did
} see my movie, right?"
} "Of course!"
} "Do you remember the last scene?"
} "Yes yes yes!  Kane's possessions are heaped up on a fire, an allusion
} to funeral pyres and the ephemerality of man's works --"
} "Stephen.  Stephen.  What happened to Rosebud?"
} "Oh, it went on the fire too."
} "Yes.  We only made one.  I'm afraid you've been had."
}
} Now, what does this have to do with King Kong?  Well, if you think of
} Kong's fate at the end of the movie, you wouldn't ask where he's
} "living" these days.
}
} You owe the Oracle a very, very, very large shovel.


1374-03    (1aka4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Nozotting@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most omnivorous, I'm trying to break my lifelong habit of
> overeating on Thanksgiving Day.  I've tried lots of methods but nothing
> has worked.  Should I just go cold turkey this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you go cold turkey the day *after* Thanksgiving.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plate of leftovers.


1374-04    (9gb81 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What smells?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Any animal with a nose.


1374-05    (165gh dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great but Inexplicable Oracle, I can never explain you.  I tried
> telling my cousin Louie about you, and he said, "There's no such
> thing as an Omniscient Internet Oracle.  Most of the stuff you
> find on the Internet is bogus anyway.  What kind of idiot are
> you to believe in that rot?"
>
> So I'm asking you a favor.  Please do at least one of the
> following things:
>
>   1. Manifest yourself to my cousin Louie in a way that
>      would Remove All Doubt.
>
>   2. Explain yourself to me in a way that will convince
>      him of your existence.
>
>   3. Simply ZOT him.  But make sure he's got me in his
>      will, first.  He's a rich bastard, you know.
>
>   4. Tell me what kind of an idiot I am to believe this rot.
>
> Thank you,
> J. Random Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You idiot! I told you this Oracle was bogus. He's nothing but some guy
} at a computer, giving out advice he pulled out of his ass.
}
} - Louie
}
} PS: By the way, you're out of my will.


1374-06    (77fd3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All-knowing, ever-wise, super-great and generally smart Oracle, I
> noticed that a recent supplicant asked a truly lame question.  It was
> nothing more than a disgusting noise.  Then you, unlike everyone's
> image of your proud self, declined to ZOT the miserable bastard but
> instead gently replied with a carefully though out dissertation on how
> to choose a good French wine.
>
> Now I realize there are those who would disagree, and tell us that a
> German or Californian wine is superior, but we needn't address that
> today.  All I want to know is, what's your secret for remaining so calm
> in the face of utter rudeness?  And why was your answer so far off
> topic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shut up, moron!
}
} ZOT!


1374-07    (3fg92 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie,
>
> With my last answer you said that I owed rec.humor.oracle.d 700
> inflammatory Usenet articles. That sounds like a bit too much work, so
> I was thinking maybe I could just do 10 tellmes with the woodchuck
> question, then bribe one of the priests to put them all in a digest.
> That'll be at least as inflammatory in rhod, but it's far less work for
> me and all the anger will go towards someone else. So what do you
> reckon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With my powers of omniscience, I can predict the result of such a
} digest.
}
} * Three days after the digest, someone posts to r.h.o.d
}
}  > 1374
}  > 2 3 4 1 5  2 1 2 3 3
}
} * Five days after the digest, someone posts to the effect of, "What the
} heck is Orrie on these days?"
}
} * Eight days after the digest, a cascade begins, involving drug
} references and small furry animals.
}
} * Twelve days after the digest, everyone is bored and posting about
} their scores on an obscure and slightly distasteful Flash game.
}
} * Twenty-six days after the digest, #1375 is published.
}
} So, no actual flaming goes on. In fact, it's almost as hard to start a
} real flame war in r.h.o.d as it is to get them to actually discuss me
} these days.
}
} You owe rec.humor.oracle.d 700 Usenet articles that actually relate to
} its purported subject.


1374-08    (117co dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most amazing wonderful, I grovel before your sheer brilliance
> and wit, whose puns not even Noel Coward on his best day could have
> matched,
>
> What is a good question to ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, last time someone asked me this, I suggested asking about
} Monty Python's Lord of the Rings. And I fobbed them off because they
} *hadn't* asked that. So to make up for it, and because you groveled so
} nicely, here it is.
}
} * * *
}
} Aragorn: I am the rightful King of Gondor!
} Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.
} A: You don't vote for kings.
} W: How'd you get to be king then?
} A: I am the descendant through sixty generations, father to son, of
}    Elendil of Numenor. Here is Anduril, the Sword that was Broken, and
}    is now reforged!
} Dennis: Inheriting a three-thousand-year-old bit of tin from your
}    great-grandad is no basis for a system of government.
} A: Be quiet!
} D: I mean, if I went round saying I was Lord of Moria because I owned a
}    rusty hatchet, they'd lock me up!
} A: Shut up!
} D: Ah! See the violence inherent in the system! Help! I'm being
}    repressed!
} A: Bloody peasant!
}
} How to Recognize Different Ents From Quite A Long Way Away
}
} Number One: The Larch.
}
} Gimli: Is Ori here?
} Orc: No.
} G: Is Fror?
} O: No.
} G: Nali?
} O: Dead.
} G: Loni?
} O: Gone.
} G: Floi?
} O: No.
} G: Are there in fact any dwarves left in Moria at all?
} O: No. I was deliberately wasting your time.
} G: I see. In that case I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut your head
}    off.
} O: Fair enough.
}
} Number One: The Larch.
}
} Aragorn: Now stand aside!
} Lurtz: That's just a scratch.
} A: I cut your arm off!
} L: No you didn't!
} A: What's that, then?
} L: Just a flesh wound.
} A: Fine. [chops Lurtz's other arm off] Victory is mine!
} L: Come on! Have at you!
} A: You've got no arms, you stupid orc!
} L: Yes, I have!
} A: Look!
} L: I've had worse.
} A: I don't have time for this. [cuts Lurtz's head off]
} L: Oh? Call it a draw.
}
} Number One: The Larch.
}
} Gandalf: How long is it since Saruman bought you?
} Wormtongue: Gee, I didn't expect a kind of Orcish Inquisition.
} [The doors of the hall burst open, and three Uruk-Hai enter.]
} Ugluk: NOBODY expects the Orcish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
}    surprise. Surprise and fear, our two main weapons. Our two main
}    weapons, surprise, fear, and an almost fanatical devotion to Saruman.
}    THREE main weapons, surprise, fear, nice black uniforms... I'll come
}    in again.
}
} Number Four: The Bristlecone Pine.
}
} Bridge keeper:  Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me
}      these questions three, ere the other side he see.
} Frodo: Ask me the questions. I am not afraid.
} BK:  What... is your name?
} FB:  Frodo Baggins.
} BK:  What... is your quest?
} FB:  To destroy the One Ring!
} BK:  What... is your favourite colour?
} FB:  Blue!
} BK:  Right. Off you go.
} Sam: That's easy!
} BK:  What... is your name?
} SG:  Samwise Gamgee.
} BK:  What... is your quest?
} SG:  To destroy the One Ring.
} BK:  What... is the capital of Assyria?
} SG:  [pause] A!
} BK:  Smart-arse. Go along, then.
} Gollum: Ask us!
} BK:  What... is your name?
} G:   We's Smeagol!
} BK:  What... is your quest?
} G:   To get the Precious!
} BK:  What... have I got in my pocket?
} G:   [pause] We don't know that! Aiieeee!
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of Rohan's army banging coconut halves
} together.
}
} * * *
}
} Dear Sir,
} I wish to complain in the strongest terms about the preceding answer.
} It was nothing but a series of rehashed sketches with a few choice
} words added. Yours, Arthur Philip Dent (Mrs), deep fine leg, Norfolk.
}
} Dear Sir,
} I never wanted to write this oracularity anyway. I wanted to be a
} LUMBERJACK!
}
} Colonel: Stop that! It's silly!


1374-09    (16hd8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If two trains are travelling in opposite directions
> Train 1 = south at 160kph or 100mph and carrying 8750kg, and
> Train 2 = north at 120kph or 75mph and carrying 10240kg.
> With a 80kph or 50mph sou-easterly crosswind blowing across the tracks.
> Then when the two trains pass each will be caused to move slightly to
> the side. As train 2 moves Stephanie is walking down the aisle toward
> the front of the train and is jolted to the side and falls on to
> Richard's lap.
>
> Will Richard:
> a) Invite Stephanie to stay on his lap
> b) Throw her to the ground and tell her to be more careful next time
> c) Help her back to her seat
> d) Marry her.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Richard is already married, so unless he suddenly converts to
} a polygamous religion, he would need to get divorced before
} properly marrying Stephanie.
}
} But his wife is not along on this trip (Isn't it convenient
} how I know ALL these things--just think what I know about YOU!)
} and it is actually very comfortable for Richard and Stephanie
} if she simply stays on his lap.  So she does.  Neither of them
} notices the private eye that his wife hired to follow him on
} his business trips.  The pictures get her a six million dollar
} divorce.  Stephanie, recognizing opportunity when she sees it,
} gets a job with the private-eye company "accidentally" falling
} into the laps of men.  Richard jumps off a cliff.


1374-10    (7ch63 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there really a Santa Clause?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Virginia, let's look at this from a wider perspective.
}
} We answered your original question over a hundred
} years ago.  So now we must address the question of
} your own existence, seeing as to how you are now *OLD*.
}
} "Is there a Virginia?"
}
} Yes, of course there is, and she's just north of the
} Carolinas.
}
} "Is there a West Virginia?"
}
} Yes, but she's married to her brother.
}
} "Hey, I thought West Virginia jokes were out of
} season, or at least closed for Xmas."
}
} Ya dern tootin!
}
} "Is there a Sanity Clause?"
}
} Was, until they met your lawyer.


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