[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 6:00:36 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1375

Goto:
1375, 1375-01, 1375-02, 1375-03, 1375-04, 1375-05, 1375-06, 1375-07, 1375-08, 1375-09, 1375-10


Internet Oracularities #1375    (38 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 00:10:31 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1375
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1375  38 votes 35hb2 49e92 14la2 27hb1 47bc4 37eb3 78c65 5e892 05ch4 16ac9
1375  3.1 mean  3.1   2.9   3.2   3.1   3.1   3.1   2.8   2.7   3.5   3.6


1375-01    (35hb2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, please tell me:
>
>   How do I recover data from a hard drive? I deleted my 30GB of warez,
> pr0n and p1r4t3d mp3z when I tried to create partitions for installing
> UNIX, so I could be a l33t h4x0rz! What tools do I use? A hammer?
> (I think a small hammer will be need, then).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       You are partially correct there, use the hammer on the second row
} down of you keyboard. That's right, the one with all the numbers. You
} should also firmly hammer the number keys on the right side of the
} keyboard. Make sure to place the keyboard on a flat surface first.
}
}       Now, that will remove any ion static from the environment so that
} you may start working on the hard drive directly. For this, you will
} need a band saw, a screwdriver, a cardboard box, and an assistant,
} preferably blond.
}
}       Remove the hard drive from the case carefully! You don't want to
} damage any of the contents any more then they already are. Take the
} hard drive over to the band saw, and carefully saw the drive into 1
} inch thick strips. Place the hard drive strips into the box and mail
} the box to:
}
} Disk Doctor Labs, Inc.
} 5355 Mira Sorrento Place
} Suite -100
} San Diego, CA 92121
}
}       Then drink the screwdriver, and do something fun with your
} assistant!


1375-02    (49e92 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who would win a fight between Superman and Jesus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it depends on the era, doesn't it?
}
} Golden Age [dawn of time-about fifteen years before you started
} collecting comic books]: Superman uses a Kryptonian chrono-ray to go
} back in time to foil the world's first supervillain, the Pharisee, and
} his plot to steal Bethlehem's supply of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
} A grateful Joseph asks the strange blue-robed man how he could possibly
} repay the debt he now owes.  Superman (whose super-hearing allows him
} to understand all languages) tells him to raise his son to love all the
} people of the world, and that will be more than enough.  As Joseph asks
} "But... my child hasn't been born yet!  How do you know I have a son!?"
} the chrono-ray returns from orbiting the moon to bring Superman back to
} the present.  Later, Clark Kent attends the Daily Planet's Christmas
} party, where he remarks to Lois Lane that while Superman is a great
} hero, he can think of AN EVEN GREATER ONE.  Cue the full-page image of
} a glowing crucifix atop the office tree, overlaid with "Read more
} exciting adventures of Texas 'Two-Gun' McCallum -- Roy Pinkster,
} Two-Fisted Detective -- and Superman in Action Comics!"
}
} Silver Age [ten years before you started collecting comic books-that
} time you smoked weed in your cousin's basement]: On the coldest
} December night in Metropolis history, Superman comes across a bearded
} man wearing red-stained gloves breaking into an electronics store.
} Upon swooping down to arrest the evildoer, the man (who identifies
} himself only as "J.C.") begs forgiveness.  He wanted to steal the
} latest hi-fis and sell them on the black market solely to obtain money
} to buy blankets for the orphans in nearby St. Christopher's Orphanage
} in the Poverty Alley neighborhood of Metropolis.  He is willing to
} "render unto Caesar what is Caesar's", but asks only that Superman find
} some blankets for the orphans.  Moved by J.C.'s message of social
} justice, Superman decides that maybe, just maybe, on Christmas it's
} more important to respect the needs of vulnerable orphans than the
} property rights of an electronics store owner who turns out to be evil
} anyway because in the last three pages we learn he's working for Lex
} Luthor and building mind control rays into the stereos.  On the last
} page, Superman asks J.C. when he will see him again.  J.C. replies,
} with a wistful smile, that he is "closer than you think".  Cue the
} full-page image of a church, overlaid with "Merry Christmas From Your
} Friends At DC Comics!"
}
} Image Age [the Batman movie that sucked-Todd McFarlane sells his first
} Spawn action figure]:  Superman.  Duh.
}
} Modern Age [you realize every single comic book out there is complete
} and utter garbage and wonder how you wasted so much money on them-you
} discover this Alan Moore guy]:  Superman and Jesus are actually the
} same person, and Metropolis is in a giant underwater dome, and also
} dogs are the emperors of Saturn, because it's a homage to the Golden
} Age or something.  Besides, what are the last three Superman readers
} left in the world going to do, huh?  If they haven't stopped yet
} obviously they'll accept anything.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the one where Green Lantern feeds the
} multitudes.


1375-03    (14la2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most omnipotent and knowledgeble Oracle...
>
> The Internet is boring. Where can I get the expansion pack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the Internet is open-source, many people have written
} extensions for it, as well as themes or "skins" that give it a whole
} new look.
}
} For example, you can help older relatives get familiar with the
} Internet by installing the popular Classic TV theme, which punctuates
} email and Web pages with commercials every few minutes, replaces
} confusing URLs and Web bookmark bars with a simple 13-channel VHF dial,
} and converts all graphics to 256-color grayscale with snow and
} interference effects.
}
} If you're a parent who wishes to protect your children from the seamy
} side of the Internet but has found commercial filter programs like Net
} Nanny too cumbersome, you might try the fabulous Rot13 extension, which
} translates all Web and email text into undecipherable gibberish using a
} sophisticated, uncrackable algorithm [*], and converts all graphics
} into upside-down negative images (a Harvard Medical School study of
} online pornography use found that an astonishing 99.8% of 14-year-old
} male subjects found it impossible to achieve an erection while viewing
} a slideshow of images converted this way!).
}
} =============
} [*] Vs lbh pna ernq guvf, lbh zhfg or Xvob!
}
} You owe the Oracle a singing nun.


1375-04    (27hb1 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, of whom I am not fit to lick the boots,
>
> Why 3.14? Why isn't pi 3? It would make math so much simpler, and
> circles would be nicer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We tried that right here in Indiana.  We gave it up when
} we found that our belts would no longer buckle.  (The
} Oracle knew all along it wouldn't work, but no one wanted
} to believe him, a situation that still obtains.)


1375-05    (47bc4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help I feel like the government is monitoring all my e-mails @ work...
> Is this true?
>
>   ***********************************************************
>   *   E-mail correspondence to and from this address may    *
>   *   be subject to the Public Records Law and may be       *
>   *   disclosed to third parties.                           *
>   ***********************************************************

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, it's good that you asked that. After examining the
} entire Internet (which is a task grand beyond your feeble imagining) I
} can tell you that without a doubt
}
} THERE IS NO GOVERNMENT SURVEILLANCE OF THE INTERNET. THERE IS NOTHING
} TO WORRY ABOUT. YOU ARE BEING KEPT SAFE AND SECURE BY THE GOVERNMENT.
} CONTINUE TO WORK AND PAY YOUR TAXES. EVERYTHING IS NORMAL. DO NOT
} QUESTION THE GOVERNMENT. ANYONE QUESTIONING THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE
} SHOT. TRUST IN YOUR ELECTED OFFICIALS TO PROTECT YOU. THE WAR IS GOOD.
} TIMES ARE BETTER NOW THAN EVER BEFORE. ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM.


1375-06    (37eb3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O omnipotent Oracle, who can burn the foolish with a tap of his
> feet, who can ZOT the sacreligious with a wave of his staff, who
> can destroy a brick wall with a toss of a mite of dust, who can
> paint pictures with a blast of inspiration, who can write novels
> with a flick of his fingers, who can open doors with a tap on
> his wrist...
>
> How would you feel if any of the grovels people presented to you
> were actually true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wait...
}
} You mean they're not?


1375-07    (78c65 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now I am more pervious than I was.  Are you ready yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, I've been pervious (and ready) for longer than you've been
} alive.
}
} Please allow me to introduce myself
} I'm a man of wealth and taste
} I've been around for a long, long year
} Telling many a man 'bout his fate
}
} I was 'round 'fore Og was born
} Delivery way past two weeks late
} Made damn sure that ol' prim-i-tive
} Tamed fire, and sealed his fate
}
} Pleased to meet you
} Hope you guess my name
} But what's puzzling you
} Is the nature of my game
}
} I hung out in St. Petersburg
} When it came time for Spring break
} Got some sun, and I met some girls
} Anastasia was my date
}
} Some beer I drank
} From a septic tank
} While the coeds cheered
} And my mind went blank
}
} Pleased to meet you
} Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
} Ah, what's puzzling you
} Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
}
} I watched with glee
} Through the centuries
} While chaos reigned
} All throughout the state
}
} I shouted out,
} Who killed the woodchuck joke?
} When after all
} It was you and me
}
} Let me please introduce myself
} I'm a man of wealth and taste
} I never rest, and I never sleep
} I answer all who supplicate
}
} Pleased to meet you
} Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
} But what's puzzling you
} Is the nature of my game
}
} Sure as Zadoc is despicable
} And ev'ry priest rots in jail
} As spam is spam, just call me Oracle
} 'Cause I'm in need of some e-mail
}
} So if you meet me
} Have some courtesy
} Have some sympathy, and some class
} Use all your well-learned politesse
} Or I'll zot you with my staff
}
} Pleased to meet you
} Hope you guessed my name, oh yes
} But what's puzzling you
} Is the nature of my game, uh huh
}
} You owe the Oracle some fresh-grown moss.


1375-08    (5e892 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful Oracle,
>
> I challenge you to a duel.. Now will you duel or are you a coward?!
>
> *Gets ready to duel!*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alright, Hamilton, I'm game. As soon as you finish of that Burr fellow
} we'll duel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a $20 bill


1375-09    (05ch4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get girls to have massive sex with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hang out outside of a Weight-Watchers' Club.
}
} You owe the Oracle an industrial strength water bed.


1375-10    (16ac9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any nude photos of me on the Internet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
} |   Google - Mozilla Moonimpala                                     -\X|
} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
} | File Edit View Go Bookmarks Tools Help                               |
} | <= => <@> {X} /\ [http://www.google.com/                          v] |
} +---------+--------+----------+---------+---------+---------+----------+
} |Lisa.jpg |Google  |Bob the An|Clan of t|Thag the |Gmail-Ans|Zadoc Blog|
} +---------+        +---------------------------------------------------+
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} |                              G o o g l e                             |
} |                                                                      |
} |                 Web Images Groups News Froogle more>>                |
} |                 +-----------------------------------+                |
} |                 |nude photos of me                  |                |
} |                 +-----------------------------------+                |
} |                  [Google Search] [I'm Feeling Lucky]                 |
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} |    _Advertising_Programs_ - _Business_Solutions_ - _About_Google_    |
} |          (c)2004 Google - Searching 8,058,044,651 web pages          |
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
} |Done                                                                  |
} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
}
} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
} |Wating for www.google.com...                                          |
} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
}
} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
} |   Google - Mozilla Moonimpala                                     -\X|
} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
} | File Edit View Go Bookmarks Tools Help                               |
} | <= => <@> {X} /\ [http://www.google.com/                          v] |
} +---------+--------+----------+---------+---------+---------+----------+
} |Lisa.jpg |Google S|Bob the An|Clan of t|Thag the |Gmail-Ans|Zadoc Blog|
} +---------+        +---------------------------------------------------+
} |              Web Images Groups News Froogle more>>                 |^|
} |              +-----------------------------+                       | |
} | G o o g l e  |nude photos of me            |[Search] _Advanced_    | |
} |              +-----------------------------+         _Preferences_ | |
} |     "of" is a very common word and was not included in your search | |
} | ------------------------------------------------------------------ | |
} | Web          Results 1-10 of about 4,070,000 for nude_photos_of_me | |
} | Tip: Looking for pictures? Try _Google_Images_  |                  | |
} |                                                 |_Buy_Mirrors_     | |
} |_Me's_Radiance:_a_fansite_                       |Find out what     |#|
} |...for her role in /Dancing Lady, Ugly Sword/.   |everyone else is  |#|
} |Forum Links Photos Webring Testimonials          |seeing!           |#|
} |www.geocities.com/DeadendAlley/3291/index4.html  |www.mirrors.com   |#|
} |                                                 |                  |#|
} |_Nude_photos_of_me_                              |_Hot_Pictures_    |#|
} |...single ladies. Well, here they are! Want more?|Steam, volcanoes  |#|
} |"Male" me at luver_dan45@hotma...com ...         |molten steel pix  |#|
} |www.angelfire.com/mi/ldan45/forthagirls/index.htm|Free Access $5.00 |#|
} |                                                 |www.volcanoes.com |#|
} |_"BlackMul"der_                                  |                  |#|
} |isn't what you think it is. Scully: Mulder, this |                  |#|
} |is not an alien!  Why do you have nude photos of                    |#|
} |xfiction.xfans.com/blackmulder/index3.html                          |#|
} |                                                                    |#|
} |_Oracle_supplicants_bare_all_                                       |V|
} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
} |Done                                                                  |
} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
}
} Yes.  But, dear God, sometimes even an Oracle just does not want to
} know.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spoon suitable for gouging out the Inner Eye.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org