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Internet Oracularities #1376

Goto:
1376, 1376-01, 1376-02, 1376-03, 1376-04, 1376-05, 1376-06, 1376-07, 1376-08, 1376-09, 1376-10


Internet Oracularities #1376    (33 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 17:27:53 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1376
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1376  33 votes 36g44 3d962 4ad33 029g6 26a96 25e84 159f3 26ab4 2ad62 49c80
1376  3.1 mean  3.0   2.7   2.7   3.8   3.3   3.2   3.4   3.3   2.9   2.7


1376-01    (36g44 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question  was:
>
> > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > Your question  was:
> >
> > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > > Your question was:
> > >
> > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > > > Your question was:
> > > >
> > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > > > > Your question was:
> > > > >
> > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > > > > > Your question was:
> > > > > >
> > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > > > > > > Your question was:
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > > > > > > > Your question was:
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > > > > > > > > Your question was:
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> > > > > > > > > > Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question
> > > > > > > > > > > deeply. Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question
> > > > > > > > > > > > deeply. Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > deeply. Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > deeply. Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question deeply. Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question deeply. Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question deeply. Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question deeply. Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > your question deeply. Your question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > your question deeply. Your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has pondered
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > your question deeply. Your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered your question deeply.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered your question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > deeply. Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered your question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > deeply. Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle has
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered your question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > deeply. Your question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > has pondered your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question deeply. Your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet Oracle
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > has pondered your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question deeply.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Oracle has
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question deeply.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Your question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Oracle has
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question deeply.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Your question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Oracle has
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > deeply. Your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Internet
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Oracle has
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > deeply. Your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Internet
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Oracle has
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > deeply.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > was:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Internet
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Oracle
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > has
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > pondered
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > deeply.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Your
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > question
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > was:

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Could you please forward this question to the next incarnation?"
}
} You owe the Oracle an answer to this question.


1376-02    (3d962 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is almost always on the "Nice" list, I wish that you
> would please answer me this question:
>
> I have three possible New Year's Eve Dates.
> One of them is a sort of girlfriend who says she loves me and is acting
> really desperate to keep me around. One is a really short, skinny, cute
> Asian girl that I think might develop into a long term relationship. The
> other one is a girl with a huge rack that I will probably never see
> again after that night. Sex is out of the question with all three.
>
> Which one should I hang out with on New Year's Eve?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It come down to who drinks the least, because she is going to
} drive you home.  The Huge Rack girl is probably the best bet,
} because even if she drinks a lot, the Total Body Mass that she
} carries around will soak up some of the ethanol that might
} otherwise poison her driving judgment.
}
} There are other alternatives:  If you walk to wherever or back,
} or take a cab or the subway, you'll be ok.  Or you could quick,
} fast-like learn how to drive a horse and carriage.  Horses are
} known for driving drunks safely back home to the barn.
}
} Next year you might think in advance, and figure out whom you
} want to marry, and I bet it's none of the above.


1376-03    (4ad33 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since omniscience means you know everything that will ever be knowable,
> which most likely contains the knowledge of how to gain omnipotence,
> does this mean that you are omnipotent as well as omniscient?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Omnipotent?
}
} Who are you calling omnipotent?
}
} Lisa is perfectly satisfied, thank you very much.
}
} You owe The Oracle another shipment of viagra.


1376-04    (029g6 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the girl with the black hair pretending to be dead?  It's like,
> it's over with, and making everyone think she's dead will next make
> them think she's a screwball idiot.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never ends, does it? Though what can you expect from some kid who runs
} away from home to live with seven short hairy guys constantly smelling
} of sweat and coal dust?
}
} First it was that "wicked stepmother" spiel. As if the queen would be
} stupid enough to have her husband's only daughter killed. Wouldn't
} somebody, y'know, notice?
}
} Then there was the incident with the comb. Why would the queen venture
} out alone into dangerous woods, just to "poison" some pretty little
} girl? A likely story. And the dwarves were dumb enough to fall for it a
} second time, too.
}
} And the apple thing! Jeez, if the queen wanted her dead so badly, why
} not just slit her damn throat already? So now she fakes her death
} *again*, and then runs off with a guy who likes to make out with dead
} chicks. Eurgh.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book of believable fairy tales.


1376-05    (26a96 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That answer terrified me. It left me wide-eyed and staring. I will
> never sleep for the merest fraction of a second now I know the answer
> to that question. I will be locked in a padded room screaming to
> myself about the horrors of that answer for the rest of my days.
> Not even the vilest spawn of hell should hear that answer. Why did
> you do it, Oracle, why? NO MORTAL BEING CAN POSSIBLY KEEP THEIR SANITY
> AND SOUL AFTER HEARING THAT ANSWER!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. H. P. Lovecraft,
} You are dead.  Nothing can harm you now that you are dead.  Indeed,
} you can go and harm others with impunity.  I am, most fortunately,
} out of your reach as I am not mortal.
}
} Also, I suggest you stop reading your own books.  They can cause
} the most dreadful nightmares.
}
} Sincerely yours,
} The Internet Oracle


1376-06    (25e84 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle so wonderful and brilliant beyond compare!
> I beseech you (so far above me as to be incomprehensible) to answer my
> question, oh splendiferous one...
>
> What's the complete list of things that don't exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll find it in a book, in the library past the sea at the end
} of the world. It sits between the volumes marked "The Full
} unexpurgated description of the last days of Jimmy Hoffa and his
} Current Whereabouts" and "Excuses that will always get you out of
} trouble with your parents".
}
} Oh - and I have a couple of items to add to it ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a good reason for why he forgot his and Lisa's
} anniversary. It ought to be in that book, but for the life of him
} he can't find it...


1376-07    (159f3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi!  Can I borrow this sweater?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, sorry. You see, all this dry winter air has created quite a bit of
} static, and my cats have become a bit attached to it.


1376-08    (26ab4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: tony@thehappythrix.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O ideologically sound oracle, how does one become ideologically sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With a virtue-ning fork.


1376-09    (2ad62 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So here I was, about to enjoy a sumpuous meal of boiled squid
> at Lulu's Barbecue and Tire Changing. Suddenly my mind lurches
> to the left, and I'm thinking of YOU, the only Internet Oracle!
> Needles to say, I feel a pricking in my thumbs, and I discover
> that I've not taken the pins out of my new shirt.
>
> Why do these things always happen to ME, and what are you going
> to do to help me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you never grovel.  If only you were to grovel when asking me a
} question, your mind would be freed: You could remember to take the
} pins out of your shirt, you could stop showing up for lunch in oddly
} wrinkled and bloodstained shirts, and you could finally get some time
} alone with Lulu when she's clad only in her overalls and smeared
} lightly with axle grease.
}
} Mmm, grease.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Women of Auto Repair pinup calendar.


1376-10    (49c80 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Mickey Mouse really blow up the house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, supplicant.  You're confused again.  It was
} Guy Fawkes who tried to blow up Parliament (he didn't,
} by the way) on November 5.  Mickey Mouse was the one
} who starred in "Steamboat Willie", which premiered on
} November 18.  Those anniversaries are almost 2 weeks
} apart!  Honestly, does'nt anyone watch the History
} Channel anymore?
}
} You owe the Oracle some fireworks and an effigy of
} Scrooge McDuck.


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