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Internet Oracularities #1377

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Internet Oracularities #1377    (27 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 13:02:13 -0500 (EST)

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   1377
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1377  27 votes 04ba2 29754 087a2 159b1 167b2 33957 2aa41 047d3 a4544 05d81
1377  3.1 mean  3.4   3.0   3.2   3.2   3.3   3.4   2.7   3.6   2.6   3.2


1377-01    (04ba2 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should I do get a girlfriend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hit "q," then "y."  Then type "logout" and press enter.
}
} Exit your home.  You have just seriously increased your chances of
} getting a girlfriend.
}
} If you want to increase them further, act like a real jerk and throw
} money around.  You'll have one in no time.
}
} You owe the Oracle something in the way she moves.


1377-02    (29754 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: tony@thehappythrix.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most keen and swell, please tell me:
>
> What should I do with the body?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    What'll you do with the mashed up body,
}    What'll you do with the mashed up body,
}    What'll you do with the mashed up body,
}    Earl-aye in the morning? <>/
}
} Refrain [Chorus]:/
} Way hay and up it rises
} Pat-ent blocks o' diff'rent siz-es,<>
} Way hay and up it rises
} Earl-aye in the morning
}
} 1. Stuff it in the closet, till there's no odour,
}    Stuff it in the closet, till there's no odour,
}    Stuff it in the closet, till there's no odour,
}    Earl-aye in the morning.
}
} 2. Tie a cannon ball and drop it in th' water.
}    Tie a cannon ball and drop it in th' water.
}    Tie a cannon ball and drop it in th' water.
}    Earl-aye in the morning.
}
} 3. Put it in bed with the judge's daughter
}    Put it in bed with the judge's daughter
}    Put it in bed with the judge's daughter
}    Till she's like totally freaked out
}
} 4. Boil it in a bucket of salted water
}    Boil it in a bucket of salted water
}    Boil it in a bucket of salted water
}     An' add anchovies if'ya like them.
}
} 5. Dress him up like a homo senator,
}    Dress him up like a homo senator,
}    Dress him up like a homo senator,
}    The authorities will hush it up.
}
} 6. Take 'im to class with you in the morning
}    Take 'im to class with you in the morning
}    Take 'im to class with you in the morning
}     If you're a major in biology.
}
} 7. Take him to McDonalds with ya
}    Take him to McDonalds with ya
}    Take him to McDonalds with ya
}    And sell him off as dead meat.


1377-03    (087a2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracular Oracle!  I am your Spurious Supplicant,
> and I was going to tell you about my problem with
> the pervious messages.  You'll notice (as you bask in
> your infinite omniscience) that I said pervious and
> not previous.
>
> Please do not pay any attention to them.  I've gotten
> in over my head in this supplication thing, and will
> soon drown in an overflow of brain juice, as it is all
> frying my skull and my brain is leaking.  I think it,
> too, is pervious.
>
> Please tell me how to avoid sending stupid supplications.
> Twenty suggestions for good topics and another ten for
> good grovels would help immensely.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The List of the 20 good topics and 10 good Grovels:
}
} 01. Otters
} 02. Jelly
} 10. Vaseline
} 11. Latex
} 12. Latex 2e
} 20. Quarks
}
} Ten Good Grovels:
} 01. Oh wise Oracle, who knows ternary numbers...
} 10. Oh wise Oracle, who knows binary numbers...
}
} You owe the Oracle the list of the 10 categories of people who know
} binary and those who do not.


1377-04    (159b1 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I like words with doubble or trippple lettters.
> Please send me ten words with trippple lettters.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whencee'er such questions of me someone does ask,
} I look back to Lisa who in her goddessship doth bask,
} If 't'weren't for her patronessship, I'd take you to task,
} How dare you doth attempt, to my bossship unmask.
}
} Why on the www such fooolish pranks do you play?
} I'd rip out your home, down to a wallless disarray,
} Yet I am kind, generous, even gallless you may say,
} I answer you wisely, and with glee'even this day
}
} But enough is enough, so shut up and sit down, you son of a b***h
} In each line here your triplet you'll find, tell me now if you find any
} glitch.
}
} ==
} You owe the oracle a hardcopy of Roget's thesaurus with an inbuilt grep
} function.
} ==


1377-05    (167b2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ah! Beauteaous, Cool, Deified, Ever Fragrant, Greatly Haughty,
> Intelligent, Just, Kindly Loving, Magnificently Noble, Oracle,
> plotting quite recently some typically, unfathomably, Vague Warlike
> Xcheme Your Zealness.  Please tell me how to use write more precisely
> and concisely, without filling my writings with vaccuous meaningless
> ornamentation.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most humble, deferential, courteous and respectful supplicant, your
} desire not to be wordy, prolix, pleonastic or sesquipedalian is most
} commendable, creditable, laudable and dare I say it, meritorious.
} However, cutting out -- not to mention excising -- excess and
} unwanted verbiage from one's compositions can be as difficult and
} demanding as eliminating surplus calories from one's diet.  After
} all, even the Oracle is not immune to accreting an extra pound or
} two, particularly over the recent holiday season.  Metaphysically
} speaking, of course.
}
} Fortunately, the solution is much the same in either case. The most
} effective method is simply to remove the principle source of
} temptation. In my case, this was achieved by donating all my mince
} pies and other leftovers to the local chapter of the Society for
} Underfed Labradoodles. In yours, I suggest you destroy, ditch,
} discard or otherwise get shot of your thesaurus.
}
} You owe the Oracle a one line question, next time.


1377-06    (33957 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Several nights ago I had the honor of actually meeting one of your
> Priests. Contrary to some of the rumors on the 'net, he did not
> seem to be demented, warped, or an unfortunate possessor of the 24th
> chromosome.  We had a pleasant discussion about many diverse topics.
>
> Unfortunately, in the excitement of actually meeting one of your
> priests, I forgot to grovel, bow, scrape, or beg while in his august
> presence.  In addition, I forgot to offer tributes of any kind to
> this person.
>
> Am I going to hell for my transgression, or does a worse fate await me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah.. premature oraculation, I see..


1377-07    (2aa41 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and powerful Oracle, keeper of all knowledge . . .
>
> What's the best way to cure incontinence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you can try to just contact the UN and declare yourself a
} seperate continent, but I doubt anthing will work. You're going to have
} to just pretend.
}
} You owe the O a pun about lemurs and cell phones.


1377-08    (047d3 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, you are probably surprised to receive this letter because
> we have never met.  Allow me to introduce  myself.  I am Dr. Julius
> P. Sphincter, Professor of Pharmacology at the University of Daban,
> in South Africa, and also the Minister of Pharmaceutical Medicine
> for South Africa.  I am writing to you because of my profound
> dilemma, in the hope that you can help.
>
> Firstly, I urge you not to attempt to telephone or fax to me, nor
> to send e-mail, because that would merely injure my already difficult
> situation.
>
> Last year I suddenly came into a fortune.  My brother-in-law, Prof.
> Dr. Mugumbu Tonale Finguru, whose mother was the second wife of
> German financier Hans-Heinrich Scheissbender, told me that his late
> mother had confided in him about a large amount of money in an
> Austrian bank account.  We do not know how the money came to be
> there, and frankly we would prefer not to know or to be asked.
>
> This is where you can help us.  We are in need of a bank account
> in the US State of Indiana, where you are a resident.  A little-known
> law allows a US citizen to transfer money without taxes or scrutiny.
> The total sum is approximately $45.000.000,00.  I would propose that
> for your kind assistance you keep $5.000.000 (five million US dollars)
> and that the remainder be forwarded to my secret account in the
> town of Arschlochdorf in Switzerland, where it will be safe.
>
> Please advise soonest. J. P. Sphincter, PhD

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, sure. My bank account number is... good lord, Dr. Sphincter are
} you alright? You seem to have spontaneously broken your nose. Here, let
} me give you a handkerchief for the blood. Now what was I saying? My
} heavens, now both your ribs are broken. You really should get to a
} hospital.
}
} Oh, of course... how silly of me: you said that emailing you would
} cause you injury. But how else was I supposed to give you my bank -
} yes, yes, I imagine it would be hard to type with first degree burns
} all down your right arm.
}
} You must be suffering from the newly discovered internet allergy which
} causes spontaneous actual bodily harm when you communicate through
} technological means. They won't find a cure for a few years so in the
} meantime my advice is, don't read any...
}
} Dr. Sphincter? Dr. Sphincter, can you hear me?
}
} Never mind my bank account number, I don't think you'll be needing it
} anymore.
}
} You owe the Oracle $45 000 000 bequeathed in your will.


1377-09    (a4544 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle magnus,  quid est veritas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Popoculus nautus sum
} Popoculus nautus sum
} Pugnabo ad finem
} Quod edero spinem
} Popoculus nautus sum


1377-10    (05d81 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fluffy Oracle, did you know that you can learn the most amazing
> stuff on the Internet?  F'rinstance, I learned that you look just
> like Harvey, the invisible rabbit!  Now I begin to understand how
> you can be so smart and not show it, all at the same time.
>
> I have a rabbit, but he's a lot smaller than Harvey.  What I need
> to know is, how can I keep my friends from trying to pick him up
> by the ears.  (This will seriously injure or kill a rabbit, ad
> you well know.)  I yell at them, and they laugh, and go for his
> ears.  I have to bop them in the face to make them stop.  I'm
> losing friends very fast.  Apparently I am neither pleasant nor
> smart.  Please advise alternate methods.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poor bunny. I know how he feels. I've been picked up by several
} appendages that were never meant to support my entire body weight. My
} uvula is still sore from that last time... but you don't want to hear
} about that.
}
} There are many ways to convince guests to avoid pulling your bunny's
} ears. Unfortunately most of them involve lethal force, and since you're
} worried about losing more friends I think we can rule them out. You've
} already tried non-lethal means, but that's clearly not sufficient.
} Besides, if you should be surrounded by a pack of ravenous friends, one
} of them will grab your bunny's ears while you're bopping another in the
} face. You need something that works all the time, not something that
} requires your intervention.
}
} Have you considered trading your bunny in on a pit bull? Landlord said
} no? Well, it was a thought.
}
} How does this sound: make your bunny's ears so slippery he can't be
} picked up by them. There are a number of water-based lubricants that
} are meant for use on skin, so they should be safe for your bunny.
} They're available in a number of pleasing scents and flavors, and some
} even feel warm when you blow on them. If you lube your bunny's ears,
} nobody will be able to pick hm up that way.
}
} Too messy? Well, I never had that much trouble... I mean, I've never
} heard anyone complain about the mess, but perhaps something like a good
} wax job? I've never known ANYBODY that wanted to touch a nice, heavy
} layer of ear wax. Problem solved!
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Turtle Wax and tickets to the race.


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