Goto:

1378, 1378-01, 1378-02, 1378-03, 1378-04, 1378-05, 1378-06, 1378-07, 1378-08, 1378-09, 1378-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Listen very carefully to me. > > rm -r * > > Format C: > > Delete command.com > > Where's your omnipotence NOW?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On my Mac, where it should be... } You owe me a iTunes Gift Card and a 30GB iPod

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are so awesome, that you make my feet hurt! > > Why do people have to die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The simple biological reason is that evolution is really good at having } 'optimized' a human being (any creature, actually) to survive long } enough to reproduce and raise their children.  Since human children } need 8-15 years of care to have (at least a reasonable) chance of } survival on their own, and given that every human couple needs to have } '2' children to keep the numbers constant and that the children needs } to have a couple of years between them, a good lifespan target for a } human is in the range of 30-40 years.  However, from an evolutionary } standpoint the optimization stops there and humans above the age of 40 } (or so) just get in the way.  Eventually one of the critical parts } (heart, lungs, disease control, etc) that got the human to an age of } 40 just 'wears out' and death occurs. } } However, I think you are looking for an answer more like: } --- } First Supplicant: "Oracle, you are so awesome, that you make my feet } hurt.  Why do people have to die?" } } Oracle: "Great idea.  From now on, humans live forever.  NEXT!!!" } } First Supplicant: [Bows and exits stage left] } } Next Supplicant:  [Enters from stage left]  "Oh great and wonderful } Oracle, How much wood would a woodchuck..." } } Oracle: "You miserable, insolent cur.  TAKE THAT!!!" <<ZOT> [A bolt } of highly charged plasma arcs towards the supplicant and strikes him } on the chest]. } } Next Supplicant: [Cringes, expecting the worst, but nothing happens. } Slowly he straightens his back, brushes some dust off his jacket, } and continues].  "er, chuck if a woodchuck..." } } Oracle:  "What in tarnation?" <<ZOT>> <<ZOT>> <<ZOT>> <<ZZZOOOOTTTT>> } } Next Supplicant: [cringes yet again, but nothing happens]. "could } chuck" } } Oracle: "I take it back.  Humans don't live forever." } <<ZZZZZOOOOOOOOTTTT>> } } Next Supplicant: [doesn't exist any more; has been replaced with a } loose pile of dust and a whiff of smoke]. } } Oracle:  "I feel better already...  NEXT!!!" } --- } So you see, death exists so that stupidity can be adequately } rewarded...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grapenuts. Dada food? y/n

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} n.  It's marketed and sold as food. } } Textured Vegetable Protein?  Looks like grape nuts, it's plant-embryos } pretending to be meat.  n; dada doesn't try to pretend to be anything. } } Petroleum Jelly: an edible substance discovered as residue on an } offshore oil-drilling rig's drill bit? y. } } Wax Crayons: colourful paraffin charchol substitutes? y. } } A bicycle: filed down to powder and ground up into mince? y. } } Dada is not about expectations, or juxtaposition, and certainly not } about common sense.  Duchamp's "Fountain" wasn't ironic, it was moronic } -- art critics thinking it was ironic is the irony. } } You don't owe the Oracle nothing.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most obscene, > > Why the decline in Oracle usage lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The popularity of the Oracle has always waxed and waned, as people } look to other sources for the answers to their spiritual questions. } In the 1960's it was tarot cards (though of course I wasn't the } *Internet* Oracle back then),  crystals in the 70's... you get the } idea. These days, I think people are turning to Dan Brown books for } their metaphysical well-being. Don't worry, though. The Oracle, like } streaking, will never go out of fashion. } } In the meantime, I'm not complaining. It means I get more time to } spend on the working model of the internet I'm building out of Lego. } } You owe the Oracle one of those long bits with the four knobs.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, > > What ever would I do without you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a way to try.  Answer this question: } } > Oh Oracle, } > } > What ever would I do without you? } } You owe the Oracle some drawings by Escher, and a recording of a } Dutch person saying that name in their curious way that does not } sound much like "esher" at all.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, most... good, > > Please tell me, how do I... make more good... my... word knowing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually ascertaining an algorithm to allow beings better boasting and } besting of their brethren in cant can cause casual conundrum crackers } costly cerebral calamities. Delighting in delectable diction does } wonders. Dictionaries, though dull, I daren't debar. Excluding } elaborate eloquence in expression would flaunt fretful forgetfulness } of my forefather's findings. Fighting to find friends who flee from } flatulence could greatly grow your gray matter. Have heed to hold off } haughty head horseplay, as I identify increased jeopardy of jealousy } justly jumping among unknowing knaves with knives. Knightly morality } might be missed if no one notices neglect of never organizing } oratorical ostentatiousness. While petty petitions to please plug } pompous pie-holes quit queuing up, quite a few quick readers write to } ream reliable resources of rankling. So in short, stop stepping with } saps who speak in sorry syllables, as that sums to a short-change of } your speech. Tenaciously tell torrid tales of tyrannical upset and } unusual undertakings by very vindictive virile vixens of worriful woe } winging it with wonton wealth. Were these winning words to wangle your } want? Don't wage war if this X doesn't mark the spot. Go out and smell } the xanthein in the xyst, avoiding xanthein, and striving for good } xenodochy. Yea, your yearning for verbal yardage should yaw in the } years, but now you enjoy the yedding in your youth as of yesteryear. } Remember that zoetic zeal zaps zest to the zenith. } } Or, at the very least, you could have a chat with Og to make you feel } better about yourself. } } You owe the Oracle handwritten copies of an unabridged dictionary and } thesaurus. In crayon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not > understand this format, some or all of this message may not be > legible. > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390 > Content-Type: text/plain > > With my quantum sword and its uncertainty principle, I am sure to > slice you at least once! > En garde, monsieur Oracle! > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390 > Content-Type: text/html > > <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 3.2//EN"> > <HTML> > <HEAD> > <META HTTP-EQUIV="Content-Type" CONTENT="text/html; charset=us-ascii"> > </HTML> > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh great, it's the attack of the Kamikaze MIMEs. } } My name is Inigo Oraculaya. } You violated my posting etiquette. } Prepare to die. } } ) This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not } ) understand this format, some or all of this message may not be } ) legible. } } --------------- *slice!* ---------------- } } ) ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390 } ) Content-Type: text/plain } ) } ) With my quantum sword and its uncertainty principle, I am sure to } ) slice you at least once! } ) En garde, monsieur Oracle! } } --------------- *slash!* ---------------- } } ) ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390 } ) Content-Type: text/html } ) } ) <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 3.2//EN"> } ) <HTML> } ) <HEAD> } ) <META HTTP-EQUIV="Content-Type" CONTENT="text/html; charset=us-ascii"> } ) </HTML> } } -------------- *KERching!* -------------- } } ) ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390 } } With my *ZOT* sword, I am sure to slice you at least three times. } } That's the problem with sword fights with Kamikaze MIMEs, they have } these neat perforations telling you just where to slice them to break } them apart. No challenge at all. } } And the MS Exchange Server variety even break in places they're not } supposed to, leaving unintentional null questions. } } You owe the Oracle a mimed sword fight with yourself as the opponent, } conducted in your place of work, in your underwear. And the names and } zot sensitivity factors of all your systems staff.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I fashion a time machine so I can use it to go back in time and > prevent myself from ever building a time machine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Step By Step Procedure to Time Machine Design: } } Step 1: Wait under your cot with a baseball bat for your future } counterpart to come along. } Step 2: Knock him unconcious with the baseball bat (Use a baseball bat } only ... Anything else might seriously injure your future self!) } Step 3: Steal the Time Machine your future self made. } Step 4: Now go back into the past to stop your past self who's looking } for a time machine and is hiding below the cot! } } Just follow the above steps to precision, u should time travelling in a } few days! } You owe the Oracle an asprin ... (suffering from severe headaches after } that technology blitz!)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                           ?OBKR > UOXOGHULBSOLIFBBWFLRVQQPRNGKSSO > TWTQSJQSSEKZZWATJKLUDIAWINFBNYP > VTTMZFPKWGDKZXTJCDIGKUHUAUEKCAR

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you idiot! You take your pants off FIRST! } } And just because you're too embarrassed to ask in plain words doesn't } mean I'll be courteous enough to encrypt my response for you so the } priests can't read it. } } You owe the Oracle a less disturbing question.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't wanna! You can't make me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know you're upset about it, Colin, but Condoleeza has already been } sworn in, you've got to move out of this office! } } Oh, and your cpowell@state.gov e.mail account will be shut off in 60 } days, so you might want to get some new business cards printed, too. } } You take care, now, y'hear? If you're ever in Crawford, stop by for a } Coke.