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Internet Oracularities #1378

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Internet Oracularities #1378    (41 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 01 Feb 2005 15:20:07 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
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   1378
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1378  41 votes 18c9b 13aed 68ab6 08ge3 09gd3 159ec 32fh4 37db7 5d8c3 7cc73
1378  3.3 mean  3.5   3.9   3.1   3.3   3.2   3.8   3.4   3.3   2.9   2.7


1378-01    (18c9b dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Listen very carefully to me.
>
> rm -r *
>
> Format C:
>
> Delete command.com
>
> Where's your omnipotence NOW?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On my Mac, where it should be...
} You owe me a iTunes Gift Card and a 30GB iPod


1378-02    (13aed dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are so awesome, that you make my feet hurt!
>
> Why do people have to die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The simple biological reason is that evolution is really good at having
} 'optimized' a human being (any creature, actually) to survive long
} enough to reproduce and raise their children.  Since human children
} need 8-15 years of care to have (at least a reasonable) chance of
} survival on their own, and given that every human couple needs to have
} '2' children to keep the numbers constant and that the children needs
} to have a couple of years between them, a good lifespan target for a
} human is in the range of 30-40 years.  However, from an evolutionary
} standpoint the optimization stops there and humans above the age of 40
} (or so) just get in the way.  Eventually one of the critical parts
} (heart, lungs, disease control, etc) that got the human to an age of
} 40 just 'wears out' and death occurs.
}
} However, I think you are looking for an answer more like:
} ---
} First Supplicant: "Oracle, you are so awesome, that you make my feet
} hurt.  Why do people have to die?"
}
} Oracle: "Great idea.  From now on, humans live forever.  NEXT!!!"
}
} First Supplicant: [Bows and exits stage left]
}
} Next Supplicant:  [Enters from stage left]  "Oh great and wonderful
} Oracle, How much wood would a woodchuck..."
}
} Oracle: "You miserable, insolent cur.  TAKE THAT!!!" <<ZOT> [A bolt
} of highly charged plasma arcs towards the supplicant and strikes him
} on the chest].
}
} Next Supplicant: [Cringes, expecting the worst, but nothing happens.
} Slowly he straightens his back, brushes some dust off his jacket,
} and continues].  "er, chuck if a woodchuck..."
}
} Oracle:  "What in tarnation?" <<ZOT>> <<ZOT>> <<ZOT>> <<ZZZOOOOTTTT>>
}
} Next Supplicant: [cringes yet again, but nothing happens]. "could
} chuck"
}
} Oracle: "I take it back.  Humans don't live forever."
} <<ZZZZZOOOOOOOOTTTT>>
}
} Next Supplicant: [doesn't exist any more; has been replaced with a
} loose pile of dust and a whiff of smoke].
}
} Oracle:  "I feel better already...  NEXT!!!"
} ---
} So you see, death exists so that stupidity can be adequately
} rewarded...


1378-03    (68ab6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grapenuts. Dada food? y/n

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} n.  It's marketed and sold as food.
}
} Textured Vegetable Protein?  Looks like grape nuts, it's plant-embryos
} pretending to be meat.  n; dada doesn't try to pretend to be anything.
}
} Petroleum Jelly: an edible substance discovered as residue on an
} offshore oil-drilling rig's drill bit? y.
}
} Wax Crayons: colourful paraffin charchol substitutes? y.
}
} A bicycle: filed down to powder and ground up into mince? y.
}
} Dada is not about expectations, or juxtaposition, and certainly not
} about common sense.  Duchamp's "Fountain" wasn't ironic, it was moronic
} -- art critics thinking it was ironic is the irony.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle nothing.


1378-04    (08ge3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most obscene,
>
> Why the decline in Oracle usage lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The popularity of the Oracle has always waxed and waned, as people
} look to other sources for the answers to their spiritual questions.
} In the 1960's it was tarot cards (though of course I wasn't the
} *Internet* Oracle back then),  crystals in the 70's... you get the
} idea. These days, I think people are turning to Dan Brown books for
} their metaphysical well-being. Don't worry, though. The Oracle, like
} streaking, will never go out of fashion.
}
} In the meantime, I'm not complaining. It means I get more time to
} spend on the working model of the internet I'm building out of Lego.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those long bits with the four knobs.


1378-05    (09gd3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle,
>
> What ever would I do without you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a way to try.  Answer this question:
}
} > Oh Oracle,
} >
} > What ever would I do without you?
}
} You owe the Oracle some drawings by Escher, and a recording of a
} Dutch person saying that name in their curious way that does not
} sound much like "esher" at all.


1378-06    (159ec dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, most... good,
>
> Please tell me, how do I... make more good... my... word knowing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually ascertaining an algorithm to allow beings better boasting and
} besting of their brethren in cant can cause casual conundrum crackers
} costly cerebral calamities. Delighting in delectable diction does
} wonders. Dictionaries, though dull, I daren't debar. Excluding
} elaborate eloquence in expression would flaunt fretful forgetfulness
} of my forefather's findings. Fighting to find friends who flee from
} flatulence could greatly grow your gray matter. Have heed to hold off
} haughty head horseplay, as I identify increased jeopardy of jealousy
} justly jumping among unknowing knaves with knives. Knightly morality
} might be missed if no one notices neglect of never organizing
} oratorical ostentatiousness. While petty petitions to please plug
} pompous pie-holes quit queuing up, quite a few quick readers write to
} ream reliable resources of rankling. So in short, stop stepping with
} saps who speak in sorry syllables, as that sums to a short-change of
} your speech. Tenaciously tell torrid tales of tyrannical upset and
} unusual undertakings by very vindictive virile vixens of worriful woe
} winging it with wonton wealth. Were these winning words to wangle your
} want? Don't wage war if this X doesn't mark the spot. Go out and smell
} the xanthein in the xyst, avoiding xanthein, and striving for good
} xenodochy. Yea, your yearning for verbal yardage should yaw in the
} years, but now you enjoy the yedding in your youth as of yesteryear.
} Remember that zoetic zeal zaps zest to the zenith.
}
} Or, at the very least, you could have a chat with Og to make you feel
} better about yourself.
}
} You owe the Oracle handwritten copies of an unabridged dictionary and
} thesaurus. In crayon.


1378-07    (32fh4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not
> understand this format, some or all of this message may not be
> legible.
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390
> Content-Type: text/plain
>
> With my quantum sword and its uncertainty principle, I am sure to
> slice you at least once!
> En garde, monsieur Oracle!
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390
> Content-Type: text/html
>
> <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 3.2//EN">
> <HTML>
> <HEAD>
> <META HTTP-EQUIV="Content-Type" CONTENT="text/html; charset=us-ascii">
> </HTML>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh great, it's the attack of the Kamikaze MIMEs.
}
} My name is Inigo Oraculaya.
} You violated my posting etiquette.
} Prepare to die.
}
} ) This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not
} ) understand this format, some or all of this message may not be
} ) legible.
}
} --------------- *slice!* ----------------
}
} ) ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390
} ) Content-Type: text/plain
} )
} ) With my quantum sword and its uncertainty principle, I am sure to
} ) slice you at least once!
} ) En garde, monsieur Oracle!
}
} --------------- *slash!* ----------------
}
} ) ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390
} ) Content-Type: text/html
} )
} ) <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 3.2//EN">
} ) <HTML>
} ) <HEAD>
} ) <META HTTP-EQUIV="Content-Type" CONTENT="text/html; charset=us-ascii">
} ) </HTML>
}
} -------------- *KERching!* --------------
}
} ) ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390
}
} With my *ZOT* sword, I am sure to slice you at least three times.
}
} That's the problem with sword fights with Kamikaze MIMEs, they have
} these neat perforations telling you just where to slice them to break
} them apart. No challenge at all.
}
} And the MS Exchange Server variety even break in places they're not
} supposed to, leaving unintentional null questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mimed sword fight with yourself as the opponent,
} conducted in your place of work, in your underwear. And the names and
} zot sensitivity factors of all your systems staff.


1378-08    (37db7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I fashion a time machine so I can use it to go back in time and
> prevent myself from ever building a time machine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Step By Step Procedure to Time Machine Design:
}
} Step 1: Wait under your cot with a baseball bat for your future
} counterpart to come along.
} Step 2: Knock him unconcious with the baseball bat (Use a baseball bat
} only ... Anything else might seriously injure your future self!)
} Step 3: Steal the Time Machine your future self made.
} Step 4: Now go back into the past to stop your past self who's looking
} for a time machine and is hiding below the cot!
}
} Just follow the above steps to precision, u should time travelling in a
} few days!
} You owe the Oracle an asprin ... (suffering from severe headaches after
} that technology blitz!)


1378-09    (5d8c3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: tony@thehappythrix.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                           ?OBKR
> UOXOGHULBSOLIFBBWFLRVQQPRNGKSSO
> TWTQSJQSSEKZZWATJKLUDIAWINFBNYP
> VTTMZFPKWGDKZXTJCDIGKUHUAUEKCAR

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you idiot! You take your pants off FIRST!
}
} And just because you're too embarrassed to ask in plain words doesn't
} mean I'll be courteous enough to encrypt my response for you so the
} priests can't read it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a less disturbing question.


1378-10    (7cc73 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: tony@thehappythrix.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't wanna! You can't make me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know you're upset about it, Colin, but Condoleeza has already been
} sworn in, you've got to move out of this office!
}
} Oh, and your cpowell@state.gov e.mail account will be shut off in 60
} days, so you might want to get some new business cards printed, too.
}
} You take care, now, y'hear? If you're ever in Crawford, stop by for a
} Coke.


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