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Internet Oracularities #1379

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1379, 1379-01, 1379-02, 1379-03, 1379-04, 1379-05, 1379-06, 1379-07, 1379-08, 1379-09, 1379-10


Internet Oracularities #1379    (40 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 09:39:56 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1379
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1379  40 votes 04jg1 48bc5 5bac2 4eg42 77g73 36bf5 2cfb0 16bbb 58ga1 27hb3
1379  3.1 mean  3.4   3.1   2.9   2.6   2.8   3.3   2.9   3.6   2.9   3.1


1379-01    (04jg1 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Besides setting oneself on fire, what is the best cure for ennui?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's examine the options:
}
} Setting other people on fire.
} PRO: Less painful than setting yourself on fire.
} CON: Highly illegal. Difficult to find volunteers.
}
} Inject yourself with a 7% solution of cocaine, thrice daily.
} PRO: Hey, it was good enough for Sherlock Holmes!
} CON: It was legal then. It isn't now.
}
} Jump off a tall building.
} PRO: Excitement for the rest of your life.
} CON: Which will be about six seconds, give or take.
}
} Jump off a tall building, with a parachute.
} PRO: Better survival rate than without a parachute.
} CON: Illegal in most places.
}
} Heavy drinking.
} PRO: In your stuporous state, you won't notice how bored you are.
} CON: Social problems, psychological problems, health problems...
}
} Devote your time to sharing your wisdom with others.
} PRO: Legal and non-fatal.
} CON: It doesn't work. Trust me.
}
} So, your best options result in jail time or an early grave.
}
} The Oracle is depressed now.


1379-02    (48bc5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1. e4

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Question...
}
} 1. e4
}
} Answer...
}
} 1.e4 e6 2.d4 d5 3.Nc3 Bb4 4.Bd2 de4 5.Qg4 Nf6 6.Qxg7 Rg8 7.Qh6 Nc6
} 8.O-O-O Rg6 9.Qh4 Bxc3 10.Bxc3 Qd5 11.b3 Ne7 12.f3 Bd7 13.Bb2 Bc6
} 14.c4 Qf5 15.d5 ed5 16.fe4 de4 17.Nh3 Ng4 18.Qg3 Qc5 19.Qxc7 Rc8 20.Qf4
} Qe3 21.Rd2 Qxf4 22.Nxf4 e3 23.Rc2 Rg5 24.Be2 Nf2 25.Re1 Rd8 26.g3 Rf5
} 27.Bf1 Rxf4 28.gf4 Nd3 29.Bxd3 Rxd3 30.Rc3 Rxc3 31.Bxc3 Nf5 32.Bd2 Kd7
} 33.Bxe3 b6 34.Bf2 f6 35.Kd2 h5 36.Kd3 Nh6 37.Bh4 f5 38.Re7 Kd6 39.h3
}
} Well Done, you win... I didn't see it coming.


1379-03    (5bac2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> while(1)
> {
>     send_spam(*Oracle);
>     if(Oracle->reply == NULL)
>        send_spam(*Oracle,again++)
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} while(1)
} {
}     send_zot(*supplicant);
}  // if(supplicant->reply == SPAM)
}        send_zot(*supplicant,again++)
} }


1379-04    (4eg42 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and all knowing oracle, will this year be a better year for
> those of us in the nauga skinning and tanning business? I've barely
> been able to make ends meet the last couple of years. Well, decades
> actually. Will this finally be a good year for me or do I need to
> accept my father in-law's offer to be a jr. partner in his chinchilla
> ranch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid that the downward trend you've observed in the nauga
} industry isn't a mere blip. The sector is on its last legs, and the
} Oracle's advice is to sell up and get out as soon as you can,
} because it's only going downhill from here. I just hope you can find
} some poor suck... um, interested party willing to take over your
} business.
}
} As for your future career path, chinchillas are, as ever, a sound
} investment, and the market is likely to remain stable for the
} forseeable future. If, however, you're looking to make some *real*
} money, perhaps you should consider entering the poultry sector.
} Rumours have reached my ears lately that the going rate for snipe
} eggs has reached an all time high.
}
} You owe the Oracle a long stand.


1379-05    (77g73 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not
> understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible.
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5089E.FB9B96A0
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
>
> Does sending this to you count as sending it to 10 people?
>
>
> Ok guys, this truly is freaky, the
> phone literally rang as soon as I read
> the last word of this email!!!!!
>
>
> I am taking the bait -
> what do I have to lose right?
>
>
> Hope it works!
>
>
> Supposedly The Phone Will Ring
> Right After You Do This.
>
>
> Just read the little stories and
> think of a wish as you scroll all
> the way to the bottom. There is
> a message there - then make your
> wish.
>
>
> No attachment on this one.
>
>
> Stories
>
> I'm 13 years old, and I wished
> that my dad would come home from
> the army, because he'd been hav ing
> problems with his heart and right
> leg. It was 2:53 p.m. When I made
> my wish. At 3:07 p.m. (14 minutes
> later), the doorbell rang, and
> there my Dad was, luggage and all!!
>
>
> I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been
> having trouble in my job and on the
> verge of quitting. I made a simple
> wish that my boss would get a new
> job. That was at 1:35 and at 2:55
> there was an announcement that he
> was promoted and was leaving for
> another city. Believe me...this
> really works!!!
>
>
> My name is Ann and I am 45 years
> of age. I had always been single
> and had been hoping to get into a
> nice, loving relationship for many
> years. While kind of daydreaming
> (and right after receiving this email)
> I wished that a quality person would
> finally come into my life. That was at
> 9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 9:55 AM
> a FedEx delivery man came into my
> office.He was cute, polite and
> could not stop smiling at me. He
> started coming back almost everyday
> (even without packages) and asked me
> out a week later.. We married 6
> months later and now have been
> happily married for 2 years.
>
> What a great email it was!!
>
>
> Just scroll down to the end, but
> while you do, think of a wish.
> Make your wish when you have completed
> scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the
> number of minutes it will take for your
> wish to come true. ex.you are 25 years
> old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish
> to come true).
>
>
> However, if you don't send this to
> people in 5 minutes, you will have bad
> luck for years!!
>
> Go for it!!!
>
>
> SCROLL DOWN!!!!
>
> *
> **
> ***
> ****
> *****
> ******
> *******
> ********
> *********
> **********
> ***********
> ************
> *************
> **************
> ***************
> ****************
> *****************
> ******************
> *******************
> ********************
> *********************
> **********************
> ***********************
> ************************
> *************************
> **************************
> ***************************
> ****************************
> *****************************
> ******************************
> *******************************
> ********************************
> *********************************
> **********************************
> ***********************************
> **********************************
> *********************************
> ********************************
> *******************************
> ******************************
> *****************************
> ****************************
> ***************************
> **************************
> *************************
> ************************
> ***********************
> **********************
> *********************
> ********************
> *******************
> ******************
> *****************
> ****************
> ***************
> **************
> *************
> ************
> ***********
> **********
> *********
> ********
> *******
> ******
> *****
> ****
> ***
> **
> *
>
> STOP!!!
>
> Congratulations!!! Your wish will
> now come true in your age minutes.
>
> Now follow this carefully....it
> can be very rewarding!!!!
>
> If you send this to 10 more
> people, other than the 5 that you
> already have to send to, something
> major that you've been wanting
> will happen.
>
> Message: This is scary!
>
> The phone will ring right after
> you do this!
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5089E.FB9B96A0
> Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> [The same gawd-awful message in huge, horrendous M$ HTML -ed]
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5089E.FB9B96A0--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, let's see... no grovel, no question, MIME mail, chain letter,
} sending a chainletter that makes false claims to an Oracle, sending a
} mail whose 'examples' are all female to a male incarnation, and one
} for good measure. That's 8, plus 20 for my age, doubled because the
} mail was sent twice, so...56.
}
} ZOT! *ZZOT* ZOOOT ZZZOOOTTT ZOT ZOT ZOOOOT! ZOTZOTZOT! zot. ZOT,
} ZOT zOt! Z0T!
}
} [props up Staff of Zot, leaving a "drinking bird" to activate trigger]
}
} ZOT! ZZZZOT! ZOTT! SCHZOT! ZOT! Zot, ZOT ZOT, zot! ZOT! ........
}
} [comes back in, wiping the cookie crumbs off his beard, sees bird
} knocked over]
}
} What happened to my bird?
}
} [screen is flashing, "Situation critical. Stupidity buildup exceeding
} tolerance levels. Explosion imminent."]
}
} Ohhh...Lisa? Og? ....Zadoc? ..Explosion imminent... Oh my God!
} The Internet's going to explode!!
}
} Wait! I know! [dials Staff of Zot up to full power, activates] Pressure
} too high? Internet must be shut down manually? Oh, stupid bird!
} I never should have put you in charge! [strangles bird] Oh who am I
} kidding...it's all my fault. [bird nods]
}
} [tries to call the Internet] Operator: The fingers you have used to
} dial are too ethereal. To a special dialing wand, please mash the
} keypad with your aura.
}
} I'm going to have to shut it down myself! [runs down to Internet,
} passing big signs saying "Manual shutdown" and "Emergency Stupidity
} Purge" and jumps into the main pipe, plugging it with his greatness]
}
} You owe the Oracle a decontamination, liposuction, and his wish for
} a genocide of all marmots.


1379-06    (36bf5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: tony@thehappythrix.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient oracle, you who even knows about this insignificant
> dispute between two common IRC-dwellers and are the only one who can
> revolve it.
>
> Who would win in a fight between Optimus Prime and EVA-01?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hasbro.


1379-07    (2cfb0 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between a woman and one hundred and twenty
> pounds of flour?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One is good for baking, and ... no.
} One comes in an ugly wrapper, while the other... no, not always true.
} Buck cake?  No, and I'm not going to explain why.
}
} Ah.  One will kiss the cook, but the other you cook to a crisp.
}
} You owe the Oracle something light and fluffy ... or someone.


1379-08    (16bbb dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not
> understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible.
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C508AE.DB193080
> Content-Type: text/plain
>
> Greetings, Mr. Oracle.
>
> Take a look at my MIME army. Impressive, uh?
>
> You have no chance to survive. Make your time.
> (MIMEs point at the temple, then at their chests)
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C508AE.DB193080--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Ha! You call that impressive?"
}
} "Zadoc, bring out the imaginary wind machine!"
}
} Zadoc emerges from the temple, pretending to push a large and obviously
} heavy piece of machinery. He rests, feigning breathlessness.
}
} "Turn it on!"
}
} With a look toward the Oracle bordering on contempt, Zadoc pretends to
} grab a large lever and brings his hands carelessly downwards through
} the air.
}
} "See that? That's an imaginary 60mph gale blowing straight toward
} them -- no MIME can resist "WALKING AGAINST THE WIND"!!! They are
} now totally powerless!"
}
} The MIMEs are now all preoccupied with keeping upright as they pretend
} to walk in place in the face of the imaginary blast.
}
} "Og, bring out the imaginary phone boxes!"
}
} Og lumbers out, holding his arms in front and out to each side, as
} if holding a large box. He approaches the first MIME, who is still
} valiantly struggling to stand upright against the imaginary typhoon,
} and brings his arms down around him. Immediately the MIME stops
} struggling and reaches out, the flat of his hand appearing to find
} a solid wall in the air. He follows this to a corner, and turns to
} find another, and then another.
}
} Realizing he is trapped, he recalls the training drummed into every
} MIME, that death is preferable to the ignominy of capture. With a
} look of despair,  he plunges an imaginary sword into his stomach and
} collapses motionless.
}
} Before Og can return with more imaginary phone boxes, the other
} MIMEs, seeing the fate of their fallen comrade, turn and flee --
} their departure hastened by the imaginary wind -- leaving only a
} solitary computer terminal on which glow the following words:
}
} "YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS BATTLE MR.ORACLE, BUT I'LL BE BACK"
}
} The Oracle smiles wryly, leans over the screen, and types:
}
} You owe the Oracle the CD of Marcel Marceau's Greatest Hits.


1379-09    (58ga1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many questions can I ask in one day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a many-layered question.
}
} You *can* ask as many as your typing fingers or your vocal cords can
} stand.
}
} You *may* ask x(n-1) questions where n= the number of questions it
} takes to annoy your askee, and x is equal to the number of people you
} bother with your questions.
}
} The number of questions you may ask *me* without my getting annoyed is
} given by the formula above if you assume x=1 and x=me.
}
} The number of *relevant* questions you can ask is currently sitting at
} 0..
}
} You owe the oracle a few askme's. That should enlighten you as to the
} true values of x,n and z (where z=ZOT!)


1379-10    (27hb3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise!
> Oh he who never Lies!
> Tell me what I seek!
> Quickly, Quickly Speak!
>
> Boomerang travel! It's the wave of the Future, I feel this in my bones!
> How ever, I don't know exactly how to build a Boomerang Personal Travel
> Device, n or how to market one. Please assist Oracle-Obi, you're my only
> hope.
>
> --He who wants to be "There and Back Again"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} G'day Richard, y'ol one-noter - that's beaut question
} and no mistake.
}
} Boomerang travel? ...No worries! Just get your mates
} at Scaled Composites to knock you up a 50ft wong with
} a bit of a bend in the middle. Nothing bodgy mind.
} Weld on a few seats out of one of your old 747s -
} don't forget a cup holder for the stubbies - and away
} you go.
}
} Take-off'll be a bit of a bugger, mind you. Gotta get
} that crate spinning just right or you're gonna have a
} true blue prang and end up as a bit of a dog's
} breakfast.
}
} Nah, wait a minute. What a drongo I am - fegettit
} mate, you'd spill your beer!
}
} You owe the Oracle a virgin.


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