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20 Sep 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 1:54:03 GMT

Internet Oracularities #138

Goto:
138, 138-01, 138-02, 138-03, 138-04, 138-05, 138-06, 138-07, 138-08, 138-09, 138-10


Usenet Oracularities #138    (15 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 28 Mar 90 15:09:42 -0500

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"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

138   15 votes 03624 12435 03552 31731 01356 33324 36420 13551 15441 13344
138   3.2 mean  3.5   3.6   3.4   2.9   4.1   3.1   2.3   3.1   2.9   3.5


138-01    (03624 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't people fly (without the assistance of an aeroplane, I mean) ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do you mean, people can't fly? Of course you can fly. The talent
} has simply been forgotten over the eons, that's all. Look, here's how
} it's done:
}
} 1. Go to the roof of a very tall building.
} 2. Sprinkle yourself with salt.
} 3. At the top of your lungs, shout "OOGLE-OOGLE-OOGLE!"
} 4. Jump off and flap your arms as hard as you can. You'll be soaring
} in no time!
}
} You owe the Oracle some nice aerial photos of a nudist beach.
}
} >Message from kinzler!iuvax on ttyp3 at 20:04...
} >You know, Oracle, you're a real bastard when you're drunk.


138-02    (12435 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it dark at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is late getting back from his spring break vacation. He
} spent it in a lavish account in a system at the University of Florida
} where he met this incredible female process who let him share access.
} As a result, he contracted the HIV (Hell In a Vax) virus and is
} recuperating. During this intermission we're featuring Guest Oracles!
}
} Tonight's Guest Oracle: Dan Quayle! Mr. Vice-President, why is it dark
} at night?
}
} %It is dark at night because...because...uhhhhhh.....
}
} Mr. Quayle? Mr. Quayle? My God, there seems to be smoke coming out of
} his ears! Someone call an ambulance! Maybe we'd better move on to our
} next Guest Oracle, none other than President George Herbert Walker
} Bush! Mr. President why is it dark at night?
}
} %My fellow Americans, it is dark at night because of the Commu-- er, I
} %mean drugs! Yes, drugs are the evil that rots at our system and
} %causes us to bump into objects after 10:00 PM. That is why I have
} %declared the great War on Drugs! That is why I sponsor SDI, the Stop
} %Drugs Initiative, which will place a satellite in orbit capable of
} %vaporizing pushers with a high-intensity laser beam! When the War on
} %Drugs is won, the night will not be dark, but will be filled with a
} %Thousand Points of Light!
}
} Thank you, Mr. President. Inspiring, isn't he? Of course, we all know
} the real reason it's dark at night. If it weren't, we'd have twenty-
} four hours a day of soap operas! Civilization would collapse!
}
} You owe the Guest Oracle your vote in 1992!


138-03    (03552 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Where has all the good music gone? Why does the stuff I hear no longer
> kill cows at 183 paces?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       You seem to have asked The Oracle two questions at once.  Hmm.
} I think I will call God, Satan, Kinzler and my mother.  I will have
} long conversations with each of them, and reproduce them here,
} taking several screens for each one.  They can also interrupt each
} other (in fact, they must), stretching it out even longer.  Then I
} will log on to a system that you did not suspect was a Unix node
} (for instance ecosystems@earth.EDU) for no readily apparent reason,
} and do something that you would not expect was possible (like shut
} it down - though, come to think of it, that is a project the
} industrialised nations are working on right now).  When your eyes
} are nearly completely closed with boredom, I will quickly sneak in a
} witty answer to one of the questions - that will be of no help
} whatsoever - and then tell you that you owe me something that you
} would not know how to wrap even if you knew where to send it (like a
} lifetimes supply of inner tubes).
}
}       On the other hand, I could just answer your questions.
}
}       1)  The music you love still exists.  It's just that your
} hearing is failing because you had the sound up to loud in the mid-
} seventies.
}
}       2)  They build cows better these days.
}
} You owe The Oracle $US35.  A cheque will be fine.  And _ALL_ your
} Abba CD's.


138-04    (31731 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         When reading Usenet Oracularities, is it a sin to fail to
> completely read any of your responses?  I mean, I'm sure they're good,
> but sometimes I just can't sit through some of your longer poems.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracularities are the collected lore of the Oracle.  Not
} reading my longer poems is like skipping over Psalms in the Bible.
} You may miss something important and be sent to hell.  And I have the
} power and the superuser access to do that.
}
} In atonement, I suggest you make a pilgrimage to the anonymous ftp
} site at iuvax.cs.indiana.edu and get a copy of all the previous
} Oracularities, then print them out on your site... if you
} REALLY want to look good in my eyes, save them all on disk.
}
} Now go forth and don't return until thy quest is done!


138-05    (01356 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do we go from here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Where do we go from here? Where?
} I'll tell ya where!
}
} TO THE USENET ORACLE'S FABULOUS HALF-PRICE SALE!
}
} Yes, you heard right! Everything the Oracle has to offer at a
} incredibly low price! Just look at these values!
}
} Assorted goodies paid by customers! A huge surprise box of newt's
} tails, bat's wings, food items, sexual organs, and abstract concepts
} for only $19.95! I must be crazy!
}
} What bookshelf would be complete without the Oracle's magnum opus,
} _Everything_You_Ever_Wanted_to_Know_About_Everything_? And I'm letting
} all 1,714,632 volumes go for the ridiculous price of only $25.49! No,
} you're not dreaming!
}
} Regular readers of rec.humor's Usenet Oracularities column know that
} the Oracle is on personal terms with a whole host of major and minor
} deities! For a ludicrously low fee, you can receive an autographed
} 8x10 glossy photograph of your favorite omnipotent being! Prices vary:
}
} Biblical ---------------- $75
} Greco-Roman Pantheon ---- $60
} Norse Pantheon ---------- $55
} Egyptian Pantheon ------- $50
} West Virginian Pantheon - two bits
}
} And if you hurry, you can enter the Oracular Sweepstakes! Win
} incredible prizes, like mystical wisdom, spiritual wealth, or a free
} large order of fries! And the Grand Prize [hold on to your hat]...
}
} A DREAM DATE WITH LISA!
}
} Yes, Lisa will come over to your house and treat you to sensations the
} likes of which you won't believe!!
}
} (Unless you happen to be a girl, in which case we will gladly
} substitute Jake, the net.phallic.god!)
}
} No purchase necessary (heh!).
}
} IntheeventthatLisawouldrathereatrawgopherentrailsthengooutwithyouwe
} willsubtitutethenearestprostituteavailable.Treatmentforallsexual
} diseasesistheresponsibilityofthewinner.Voidwhereprohibited.
}
} The Oracle owes YOU the deal of a lifetime. Come on down today!


138-06    (33324 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is "System Security"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An oxymoron.


138-07    (36420 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Als je alwetend bent moet je ook deze taal verstaan.
> Hoe gaat het met je ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse me for a sec...
} !translate -Ldrunkese question
} Last weekend I met this tall person.  How can I find him again?
}
} The tall person in question died tragically 2 days ago when a jet
} airliner tried to land and he was walking along the freeway.
}
} You owe the Oracle some rolling heads.


138-08    (13551 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Dear Sirs,
>
>    We are writing on behalf of the company Oracle Inc. who is
> considering legal action against you regarding your illegal use of the
> name 'oracle'.  Please contact us for a conference on the matter.
>
> Smith & Jones   Legal Services Inc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, mister smith and jones sir, I could point out that I've been using
} the name for some two and a half centuries, but I'd rather that you
} tried to sue me and have the joy of making your client change its name.
} I'll bet that I could force them to change their name to "Stinking,
} Slimy Tentacle Industries." They'd like that, ho ho!


138-09    (15441 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why haven't there been any miracles in my lifetime?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bah.  You are simply not very observant, my friend.  There have been
} many, many miracles in your lifetime.  Here are some:
}
} 1. The cancellation of "I Love Lucy."
} 2. The death and resurrection of Coca-Cola
} 3. The UFO landing on the White House Lawn (OK, so it was only there to
}    pick up the garbage.  It's still a miracle)
} 4. Johan Bartholmy's mystical ability to convert beer into vodka.
} 5. Pia Zadora's "Heartbeat of Love" album.
} 6. Lisa's simultaneous seduction of thirty thousand screaming geeks.
} 7. The recent, sudden, unexpected movement for liberty and democracy in
}    Belgium.
} 8. The cure of Joe Bates' chapped lips at a touch from the Virgin of the
}    Suburbs of Cleveland.
} 9. me.
}
} You owe the Oracle some more miracles.


138-10    (13344 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I explain my strange opinions about nasal sex to my lover?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's examine the different lifepaths which may result from explaining
} your nasal lust to your SO during breakfast.
}
}
} Path #1
} -------
}
} You: "Honey, I've been thinking."
} SO:  "'Bout what, dear?"
} You: "'Bout your nose."
} SO:  "My nose?  What's wrong with my nose?"
} You: "Oh, no, nothing's wrong with your nose.  I just ... well, this
}       is a little hard to explain ..."
} SO:  "Oh come on, honey.  I've known you for twelve years.  What is
}       it?"
} You: "I just want to insert my penis into your left nostril."
} SO:  "AAAAAHH!" [throws several quarts of hot bacon grease onto your
}                lap and stalks out of the house]
}
}
} Path #2
} -------
}
} You: "Honey, I've been thinking."
} SO:  "'Bout what, dear?"
} You: "'Bout your nose."
} SO:  "Not now, dear.  I've got a headache."
}
}
} Path #3
} -------
}
} You: "Honey, I've been thinking."
} SO:  "'Bout what, dear?"
} You: "'Bout your nose."
} SO:  "Nasal sex, is that it, honey?"
} You: "Uh, well, yeah."
} SO:  "Okay.  Pick up some Vaseline and some Actifed on your way home
}       tonight."
}
}
} Path #4
} -------
}
} You: "Honey, I've been thinking."
} SO:  "'Bout what, dear?"
} You: "'Bout your nose."
} SO:  "Oh God, you hate my nose!  I know!  I know you think it's too
}       long!  I hate it!  I hate my nose!  I have always hated my nose!
}       No more!  I can't take it any more!" [takes large knife and cuts
}       off nose while you read the paper]
}
}
} Path #5
} -------
}
} You: "Honey, I've been thinking."
} SO:  "'Bout what, dear?"
} You: "'Bout your nose."
} SO:  "Honey, I'VE been thinking about YOUR nose too."
} You: "Does this mean ..."
} So:  "Yes ... yes ... yessss ..." [you rub noses with your SO and
}       prematurely ejaculate into your coffee]
}
} The Oracle's opinion is: don't explain.  Just keep it to yourself.
} You'll upset your SO and make your coffee undrinkable.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nasal contraceptive.


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