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Internet Oracularities #1380

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Internet Oracularities #1380    (41 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 09:29:36 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1380
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1380  41 votes 399g4 13jf3 1ef83 272ff 0b8f7 49n32 2bf85 35eh2 15adc 17ed6
1380  3.3 mean  3.2   3.4   3.0   3.8   3.4   2.8   3.1   3.2   3.7   3.4


1380-01    (399g4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nutrition Information For SPAM (original style):
>
>     * Calories Per Serving: 170
>     * Calories Per Serving From Fat: 140
>     * Serving Size: 2 oz.
>     * Servings Per Container: 6 (large) or 3.5 (small)
>     * Total Fat: 16g
>     * Saturated Fat: 6g
>     * Cholesterol: 40mg
>     * Sodium: 750mg
>     * Total Carbohydrates: 0g
>     * Fiber: 0g
>     * Sugars: 0g
>     * Proteins: 7g
>     * Vitamin A: 0%
>     * Vitamin C: 0%
>     * Calcium: 0%
>     * Iron: 2%

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nutrition Information For Lisa (extra spicey style):
}
}      * Calories Burned Per Serving: 1700
}      * Calories Burned Per Serving From Fat: 1700 (it's all aerobic!)
}      * Serving Size: 120 lbs (SMACK!) . . .errr. . . 108 lbs
}      * Servings Per Container: 6 (her) or 1 (me)
}      * Total Fat: Zero Body Fat (Oh Yeah!)
}      * Saturated Fat: Zero
}      * Cholesterol Burned: 40mg
}      * Sodium Lost: 1750mg (sweating takes that right out of ya)
}      * Total Carbohydrates: 0g
}      * Fiber: 0g
}      * Sugars: 0g (Whip Cream style not included)
}      * Proteins: 17g  (Ahem, getting kinda personal here)
}      * Vitamin A: 0%
}      * Vitamin C: 0%
}      * Calcium: 0%
}      * Iron: ?!
}
} Iron?  What kind of pervert are you?
}
} You owe the Oracle some video of that iron in action.


1380-02    (13jf3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise one who knoweth everything but is humble enough to
> allow us poor simpletons a glimpse at the infinte.
>
> Why are fruits different colours?  Wouldn't it make more sense if, for
> example, vegetables were all green and fruits were all red?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fruits and vegetables are different colors to identify the different
} threat levels that they contain.
}
} Red fruit, for example, are extremely dangerous, and should only be
} eaten from under a table.
}
} Green vegetables, however, are much milder by comparison, and while
} there is still a small risk, they can be eaten with impunity.
}
} Blueberries, being blue and close to green, should be eaten warily
} and yellow squash or bananas contain elevated levels of unhealthiness.
}
} Oranges provide high risk, as do carrots.
}
} Tomatoes are extremely dangerous, since they often disguise themselves
} as a vegetable, when, in fact, they are a fruit.
}
} All Americans should continue to be vigilant, take notice of their
} legumes, and report suspicions fruit or vegetables to local authorities
} immediately. Everybody should establish an emergency preparedness kit
} as well as a communications plan for themselves and their family, and
} stay informed about what to do during an emergency situation.


1380-03    (1ef83 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh extremely loud and violent Oracle - I'm losing my
> voice and becoming very pale.
>
> Do I have MIME disease?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, that's a rather vague question.  You see, there are
} two diseases by that very name; there's your ordinary "mime disease"
} that is generally little more than moderately distressing to watch in
} action, and your deadly "MIME disease" that is utterly horrible to
} behold.  Below is a list of symptoms, from which you can conclude
} which of these two you have.
}
}     Mime Disease         |       MIME Disease
} -------------------------+----------------------------
} Your face is becoming    | Your face is turning into
} a deathly white.         | a strange linear and
}                          | numerical pattern.
}                          |
} Your talents tend to be  | Your talents tend to be
} requested for little     | requested by particularly
} children's birthday      | sadistic supplicants.
} parties and misguided    |
} circuses.                |
}                          |
} You tend to get trapped  | You tend to get trapped
} in invisible boxes,      | in the e-mail trash can
} rooms, and other         | after being nicely minced
} imaginary objects of all | into fine pieces, except
} kinds.                   | for the bits used in
}                          | Zadoc's cooking... though
}                          | now that I think of it,
}                          | that usually tends to rot
}                          | also since no one will
}                          | touch the stuff.
}                          |
} You tried to tell your   | Your favorite sets of
} favorite number once,    | characters are too long
} but you couldn't talk,   | and numerous to list here,
} and you were only able   | but many of them start
} to write with on an      | with "01C50".
} invisible piece of paper |
} with an invisible pen    |
} using invisible ink, so  |
} no one could understand. |
}                          |
} Your throat is totally   | You are able to speak, but
} hoarse and you are thus  | only between random
} unable to speak.         | spoutings of unintelligible
}                          | esoteric gibberish.
}                          |
} If imprisoned, you'll    | If imprisoned, you'll
} generally try to escape  | generally try to escape
} by attempting to push    | by attempting to drive your
} yourself through windows | captors insane by shouting
} that are too high up for | random letters and numbers
} your feeble arms to get  | at them and making them
} you to.                  | try to figure out what you
}                          | mean.
}                          |
} You tend to get hit by   | You tend to get hit by
} rotten eggs.             | Zot bolts.
}
} If you conclude that you have the former disease, I recommend seeing a
} doctor and a fashion designer.  Should you, however, conclude that you
} have the latter disease, I recommend that you see a programmer
} (if you are of mechanical origin) or a psychiatrist or asylum keeper
} (if you are of organic origin).
}
} You owe the Oracle a better security system to keep out people with
} either disease.


1380-04    (272ff dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's good to get for Valentine's Day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} laid.


1380-05    (0b8f7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not
> understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible.
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C50ECA.C619F620
> Content-Type: text/plain
>
> *A pale-faced man, typing an imaginary email in an imaginary
> computer.*
> The imaginary screen reads: "This message is in MIME format".
>
> It appeards only a MIME or the great Internet Oracle can make any
> sense of this...
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C50ECA.C619F620--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh great, another MIME message. These are alway so difficult.
}
} Okay, okay. First word. One sylable. Let's see, he's waving his hand.
} Miss America? No. He's shooting a bow and arrow, but he's wearing
} a feather. Oh, he's a native american. He's saying something. "How"
} the first word is "how".
}
} Alright, second word. One syllable. Sound like...okay he's walking
} funny.  Limp? No. Wait he's sanding wood. He's feet are wooden,
} no wait he's wearing clogs. And there's a windmill. Dutch! sounds
} like Dutch.  Crutch?  Cluch. Much! Second word is "Much".
}
} Now we're getting somewhere. Third word. One syllable yet again.
} He's taking off his clog. He's pointing at the clog. Shoe? No, it's
} not shoe.  Now he's taking an axe to the clog. He's chopping the clog.
} No wait!  He's chopping wood! The third word is "wood"!
}
} Forth word. He's putting at the clog again. Wood? He's nodding.
} The forth word is wood? Yes.
}
} How much wood wood? That just doesn't make any sense. MIME is clearly
} an inferior form of communication. I will not decode this message
} any further.
}
} You owe The Oracle some peace and quiet.


1380-06    (49n32 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Xyzzy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ralph was impressed. Despite his initial misgivings, he was now
} convinced that a letter-by-letter Net Nanny software could keep his
} children safe from chat-room predators.
}
} You owe The Oracle a years subscription to XXYZZZY YZYZ ZY.


1380-07    (2bf85 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You remember what you said I owe you?  Of course you do! You're
> almost totally omniscient. Well, I got you one, but it's not
> quite the kind of thing I could put right here in a Family Oracle,
> if you know what I mean. It's attached to a particularly large
> futhork. How shall I send it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Carefully, or you'll rune it.


1380-08    (35eh2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The grid bug bites! You are zapped! --More--
> Your ring of polymorph turns to dust and vanishes! --More--
> Your ring of polymorph control turns to dust and vanishes! --More--
> Your ring of slow digestion turns to dust and vanishes! --More--
> Your ring of teleportation turns to dust and vanishes! --More--
> Your ring of teleport control turns to dust and vanishes! --More--
> Your ring of levitation turns to dust and vanishes! --More--
> Your ring of regeneration turns to dust and vanishes! --More--
> Your ring of conflict turns to dust and vanishes! --More--
> Your wand of wishing (0:3) turns to dust and vanishes! --More--
> Your wand of death (0:8) turns to dust and vanishes! --More--
> Your staff of Zot (0:inf) turns to dust and vanishes! --More--
> You hear a maniacal laughter in the distance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your answer to this question turns to dust and vanishes! --More--
} The laughter is me.


1380-09    (15adc dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh incredibly thin and flexible Oracle who could fit
> through the eye of a needle even though you are not in
> the least bit camel-shaped.
>
> Why does someone keep stealing my paperclips?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He needs coathangers.  The paperclip is the larval form.


1380-10    (17ed6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Happy and Most Excellent Oracle, I leap in unbounded joy
> at the very thought of getting an answer from you!
>
> Why does everybody hate me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Save your strength.
} It's not that we're all fanatics. In the big picture, it's just a
} movie, and hardly anyone gives it a passing thought.
} But when we do think about it, here's what we think:
} It doesn't matter what you say. The original theatrical versions of the
} trilogy are the real movie, not the re-edited versions released on DVD.
} I know what you're thinking - I know everything - they are your movies
} and you get to say when done is done. But you're wrong. Once those
} images were projected on that theater or drive-in screen and millions
} of children as well as the young at heart watched them, they became the
} films we remember. You can't erase that ever. All you can do is insist
} that they never happened, make ridiculous changes, and tick us off.
} We might have let it slide, but our confidence in your artistic
} judgement was shattered by the two crappy prequels you've released.
} There's a reason for the term "first draft". And what happened to
} 'special effects are just tools for telling stories?' Now the story
} comes to a screeching halt while we stare in disbelief at ridiculous,
} fake-looking CGI characters, each with unique speech impediments,
} which, along with half a dozen robots, were obviously injected just to
} sell a few more action figures. Even four year olds were asking how
} Watto could fly with those tiny wings that hardly move.
}
} So I wish there were a loftier reason, but that's it. That's why we
} hate you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stellar Episode III, and then all is forgiven. Or,
} as Darth Vader would say, "You have failed me for the last time."


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