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Internet Oracularities #1381

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1381, 1381-01, 1381-02, 1381-03, 1381-04, 1381-05, 1381-06, 1381-07, 1381-08, 1381-09, 1381-10


Internet Oracularities #1381    (41 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 20:52:22 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1381
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1381  41 votes 176i9 5ea93 9de50 49ca6 395cc 34dc9 19db7 2a8f6 33cda 14eac
1381  3.3 mean  3.7   2.8   2.4   3.1   3.5   3.5   3.3   3.3   3.6   3.7


1381-01    (176i9 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who's Lisa and what does "Zot" mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gather round the feet of Uncle Orrie dear children -
} don't step on the beard Nigel, there's a good boy -
} and I will tell you some of the ancient Lore of the
} Oracle so that when you are grown, you can tell your
} own children.
}
} Once upon a time, in the far off land of Usenet there
} lived an incredibly good looking, wise, brave,
} intelligent, wealthy, powerful, fair, good hearted,
} modest, gorgeous smelling, well connected, not at  all
} conceited ...no, Suzy, not Steve Kinzler! No, not Tim
} Chew, Ahmad!!  For Zot's sake, ME, the Internet
} Oracle!!
}
} Well anyway, in those days times were hard and
} computers were just square boxes with plain monochrome
} screens. That's right Jamal, no color!! Stop crying
} Natasha, it's not THAT sad.
}
} And the screens on these computers didn't show
} graphics, just letters and numbers. No Nigel, they
} couldn't run Warcraft III - no, not even at slow
} speed. No not even in one color. Have a tissue,
} Natasha. Harry, don't do that. Are you IM-ing your
} friend, Charlotte? ...yes you are - I'm the omniscient
} Oracle, remember. Stop it.
}
} Well one day along came a beautiful new computer
} called Lisa, which had a lovely curved body and a
} screen that could show all kinds of amazing things and
} ... No, Nigel it couldn't run Warcraft III either, but
} that's not the point. No Suzy .... Here Natasha, take
} the whole box!
}
} Where was I? Ah yes, Lisa. When Lisa came along there
} was nothing else like her around and many people
} didn't understand her ...yes, Suzy she could speak
} English. Yes AND Spanish. Look I don't KNOW how many
} other languages OK? It's not important. ...many people
} didn't *appreciate* her virtues and special
} qualities... no James, I said "virtues" ...stop
} sniggering Nigel, it's not that funny. Harry ...I SAID
} don't do that. Thank you.
}
}  ...so I decided that she should come and live with me
} and... Yes, Ahmad, in the temple, where else? Harry,
} if I have to tell you ONE more time... James, leave
} Natasha alone, they're all the tissues I have.
} Charlotte... put it away .... Ahmad, turn AROUND!!
}
} OK THAT'S ENOUGH!!
}
} LOOK. Just SIT DOWN, SHUT UP and LISTEN or else you're
} going to find out what "ZOT" means the hard way. Is
} that clear?
}
} Any more questions?   ...thought not.


1381-02    (5ea93 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I desperately need to offend a Scot.  Do you have a stale
> haggis joke that also includes bagpipes, sheep and kilts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Knock Knock
}
} Aye?
}
} Tis Haggis
}
} And who mae be this haggis?
}
} Haggis you had enough Scot jokes?
}
} ---
}
} A sheep[1] went to the mall in Scotsdale[2] looking to buy a kilt[3].
} The shopkeeper looked a' him and said "ar, we doon't sarve yer kind in
} heer"[4]. But the sheep would not be deterred and went outside the
} store and started to play his bagpipes[5]. Sure enough, all of the
} other customers came outside to hear him play. It didn't take long for
} the shopkeeper to notice that his sales were plummeting. He went
} outside to confront this dastardly beast.  He yelled at the sheep,
} threatening to turn him into haggis![6] which only made the woolen
} beast play louder and with more fury! The crowd grew larger, and tossed
} money in the sheep's hat! The shopkeeper was outraged! He pulled his
} beard[7], cursing[8] and spitting[9] expletives at the animal and
} dancing[10] like a madman!
}
} Moral: Be not a sheep kilter nor a bagpiper be.
}
} Ok that didn't make a wee bi' o' sense but eye had a piss of a time
} writin it!


1381-03    (9de50 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most ingenious and inventive Oracle,
>
> Am I too full of the milk of human kindness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course you are. How often do I have to remind you that this place
} isn't a hotel, you big scots git. If you finish the bottle, buy a
} new one from the corner shop. And no murdering the cashier. I don't
} care that he got promoted over you last week, just get us two pints
} of semi. And since you're out, why don't you pick up some more soap.
} We always seem to run out whenever you and your wife stay with us.
}
} You owe the oracle some less annoying house guests.


1381-04    (49ca6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Theory Qualifier
> This test is open book and open notes.  You have two hours.
>
> P=NP.  Prove or disprove.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let N = 2. Ha! Disproved. Next time ask someone else to do your algebra
} homework!
}
} What do you mean I don't know what I'm talking about? I am the ORACLE!
}
} You owe the Oracle a new math book.


1381-05    (395cc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do I have to do the same job everyday. When do I do something else
>
> = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
> Xxxxxxxxxxx disclaimer :
> http://www.xxxxxxxxxx.xxx/legal/disclaimer.htm
> Xxxxxxxxxxx privacy policy :
> http://www.xxxxxxxxxx.xxx/legal/privacy_policy.htm
> = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When your boss finds out you're using company email for frivolous
} purposes.


1381-06    (34dc9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and dangerous oracle of the bizarre tastes:
>
> So how much should I offer my neighbor for his daughter's hand in
> marriage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the health benefits plan we have here at the temple pays 85% of
} pre-tax monthly income for accidental dismemberment.  Pirates would pay
} 600 pieces-of-eight for the loss of the use of a pirate's right arm,
} which is about $7350 in US dollars.
}
} If I were you, I'd marry the whole girl: she's a hottie, especially
} with both hands.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of mittens.


1381-07    (19db7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Internet Oracle, your omniscience shines like a rainbow and inspires
> me to ask you a weighty question. I bow to you.
>
> What is the secret of long life, such as to live to 100 years, albeit
> with a sound body and mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top 5 ways to reach your 100th birthday:
}
} 5. Quit the shark hunting. Or at least take more than a kitchen fork
}    when you go diving for them.
} 4. Eat more healthily. The salad in a Big Mac is not a sufficient
}    vegetable intake for one day.
} 3. Enough with the smoking already. 40 a day is a bad habit when it's
}    cigarettes, cigars are really pushing it.
} 2. Find a safer line of work than rodeo clown.
} 1. Pay back Vito "Kneecaps" Giordano the five grand you owe him.
}
} Take these simple tips and you might see your 100th birthday. You're
} pretty lively for a 99 year old guy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a retirement plan (preferably not involving
} private accounts).


1381-08    (2a8f6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most sage and lavender Oracle, whose knowledge of etiquette exceeds
> that of Emily Post and Miss Manners, give me your best advice.
>
> I'm getting married in June and I am thinking about hyphenating my last
> name.  Is this a good idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I wish you hearty congratulations on getting married. May the wedding
} go well, and may your marriage be long and happy!
}
} This depends.
}
} 1. Where you live.
}
} If you live in USA or Canada, add +2 to Cool.
} If you live in Europe, add +1 to Cool.
} If you live in Australia or New Zealand, add +1 to Uncool.
}
} 2. Are you U or non-U?
}
} If you are upper class, add +1 to Uncool.
} If you are middle class, add +1 to Cool.
} If you are working class, add +1 to Cool.
} If you are unemployed, add +1 to Uncool.
}
} 3. Now string your fiance(e)'s surname to your own surname.
}
} If it sounds obscene, eg. Ram-Bottom, add +2 to Uncool.
} If it sounds merely silly, eg. Michael-Jackson, add +1 to Uncool.
} If it sounds just wonderful, eg. Biggleston-Smythe, add +1 to Cool.
}
} 4. Now translate the hypenated surname into any well-known foreign
} language, especially one spoken by many people in the land you live in.
} Now how does it sound?
}
} If it sounds obscene, eg. Bin-Laden, add +2 to Uncool.
} If it sounds merely silly, eg. Leder-Hosen, add +1 to Uncool.
} If it sounds just wonderful, eg. Gothe-Coberg, add +1 to Cool.
}
} 5. Now compare your hyphenated surname to that of any famous person---
}
} If it matches a well-known criminal, add +3 to Uncool.
} If it matches a member of a royal family in the Middle East, add +2 to
}   Uncool.
} If it matches a member of a royal family in Europe, add +1 to Uncool.
} If it matches a film star or a sportsman, add +1 to Cool.
}
} Now do a simple calculation. Subtract Uncool from Cool, to give you
} that final Cool.
}
} If final Cool is greater than 1, then do go ahead and hyphenate your
} name. People will bow to you, give you higher grades, bank manager will
} actually smile at you, maitre'd will wave you to the best table,
} headhunters will offer you well paid jobs, lovers will fall over your
} lap, --- as long as you dress smartly at all times.
}
} If final Cool is 0, then there is no point in Hyphenating your name, as
} nothing special will happen, things will go on the way they are.
}
} If final Cool is a negative number, then Don't Even Think About It!
} Faux Pas! Misfortune will await you. People will diss you left right
} and centre! You'll be lucky to work as a cleaner. Even if you did the
} Full Monty, no one will date you! As soon as they hear your surname,
} see their faces stop as in freeze frame, eyes bulge out, mouth curl
} into disgust in slow motion. "Eeuw" will squeak from their lips. And
} proceed to back away as though your physical form was a huge lump of
} over-ripe cheese/ rotten fish.
}
} Thank you for asking me to give advice. You owe me one hardback copy of
} Debrett's Peerage and Baronetage 2003.


1381-09    (33cda dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi there.  My problem is my name.  My father was born in a place
> that was variously part of Jugoslavja, Bosnja, and more recently
> the tiny independent Kingdom of Sljppcjncj.  Our family name is
> Sljppczkj, and I am Rnldjckj Sljppczkj.  There are two problems.
> First is the spelling.  Many official documents, including my
> driver's license, spell my name as Rnldjczkj Sljppckj.  This is
> really not too much of a problem, because so few people in the
> US have names anything like mine at all.  Second problem is the
> pronunciation.  Even I do not know exactly how the name is
> supposed to be pronounced, because my father, who knew the secret,
> passed away when I was but a lad of three.  I answer to the
> name of "Ronald Slipjack" (which sounds ridiculous) but I'm
> sure that it is supposed to sound something more like Rnldjckj
> Sljppczkj but with some hidden vowels thrown in here or there.
>
> Could you please pronounce my name correctly for me?  And maybe
> send a few good vowels?  I know you provided some for the King
> of Sljppcjncj several years ago, and he squandered them all by
> trying to learn Hawaiian.  I promise not to do that.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Be proud of your heritage, Rnldjckj Sljppczkj (phonetic pronunciation:
} "Uuurn-AELD-ie-ckgh[1]-i Sul-EEP-ski" - or Arnold Slipski). Just
} because American culture lauds a balanced field of consonants and
} vowels, doesn't mean that such is the only, or indeed best, linguistic
} style. Why, the Grckll of <blows-nose-loudly> IV have a language that
} consists almost entirely of variously modulated throat-clearings and
} nasal honks, and their elections are overwhelmingly won by whomsoever
} has the worst cold. Interestingly, the Kazon-Kang Scale of Government
} rates this as 9% more effective overall than the US system. For a
} start, a lot more money is invested in making sick people feel better.
}
} The introduction of vowels into the culture of the Nv'N tribe, deep in
} the bowels of the Amazon, shattered it completely. Suddenly, there
} could be more than 20 people in a given tribe. Also, and ultimately
} much more devastating, they could finally tell each other in detail
} exactly what they thought of each other. In the ensuing bloodbath,
} only one Nv'N survived - he know makes a healthy living as a human
} beatbox for up-and-coming Brazilian rappers.
}
} So, stick up for your culture, Rnldjckj! Sneer at people called Ian!
} Mock the IAEA! Picket the AAA! Refuse to travel to the EU or the UAE!
} Declare war on Hawaii! H and W are practically vowels themselves,
} they're not real consonants.
}
} You owe the oracle a jumbo pack of monitor wipes. I've made a bit of
} a mess.
}
} [1]The "ckgh" is a throat-clearing noise similar to hawking a loogie
} but nowadays is usually pronounced as a K, since many of the more
} vicious and bloody wars in the region were started by one diplomat
} lobbing phlegm onto another during an especially enthusiastic
} introduction.


1381-10    (14eac dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I go to Hell after I die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know just the guy to ask. Hold on, I have him on speed-dial.
} <brrrrrr> <brrrrrr> <brrrr->
}
} "WHO DARES SEEK TO CONTACT THE LORD OF DAMNATION? COWER, MORTAL, FOR -
}
} Lou? Pick up, it's Orrie.
}
} " " - SHALT BE SMOTE WITH PUSTULENT - <click> Orrie? Hey, how's it
} going?"
}
} Oh, same old same old. Still screening your calls, I see.
}
} "Damn telemarketers. Well, I do, but their lives are so miserable as it
} is they don't seem to notice."
}
} Speaking of the Damned...
}
} "Yeah, you finished ripping my CDs yet? I need them back sometime this
} millennium you know."
}
} Uh... Nearly finished, nearly. I'll get right on it.
}
} "That's what you said LAST millennium."
}
} Actually, I meant your clientele. Take a look at this guy here - he on
} your list?
}
} "I shoulda known this wasn't a social call, you always want something.
} ... Naah, he got removed."
}
} Repented?
}
} "Not... exactly. I tell you, I was furious, got pulled away from a
} fantastic Suffering Provencale with Pan-Fried Souls to find it's a
} cold call from a marketer. But then he told me about these little blue
} pills and I have to say, they really have helped."
}
} You mean -
}
} "'Fraid so. I've Fallen and I can't get it up."
}
} You're Evil, Lou. See you Saturday.
}
} "That's what they tell me. Ciao, baby!"
} ...
}
} So there you have it. You're reprieved for now, but it might be worth
} considering a career change if you want to stay that way.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Do Not Call List that includes supernatural
} beings.


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