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Internet Oracularities #1382

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Internet Oracularities #1382    (44 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 15:16:47 -0500 (EST)

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   1382
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1382  44 votes 02bn8 0afc7 5dd76 89e67 1cfe2 26gc8 5ed75 27ee7 5cda4 16fca
1382  3.2 mean  3.8   3.4   2.9   2.9   3.1   3.4   2.8   3.4   2.9   3.5


1382-01    (02bn8 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Oraculous,
>
> How, exactly, do I know when a question is Oracle-worthy? Or, when
> could a question be answered just as well by asking my local
> mathematician\lumberjack\zookeeper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a good question! Here's a handy reference chart:
}
}  Question                          |                         Answerer
} -----------------------------------|---------------------------------
}  What's the derivative of the      |
}  hyperbolic tangent tanh(x), and   |
}  thus its gradient at x = pi?      |                    Mathematician
}                                    |
}  If a tree falls in a forest and   |
}  nobody is around, who gets the    |
}  logging rights?                   |                       Lumberjack
}                                    |
}  How tall is a newly-born giraffe? |                        Zookeeper
}                                    |
}  What's an expression in terms of  |
}  x for the number of days it will  |
}  take to clear a forest of x trees |
}  if your rate of cutting down      |
}  trees is directly proportional to |
}  the number of trees remaining in  |
}  the forest?                       |         Mathematician/Lumberjack
}                                    |
}  What's a series expressing the    |
}  number of pairs of rabbits you    |
}  have after n months, if you begin |
}  with a pair of infinitely fertile |
}  immortal rabbits, which become    |
}  fertile at an age of two months   |
}  and have litters of one male and  |
}  one female every month?           |          Mathematician/Zookeeper
}                                    |
}  In what zoo habitat can I find    |
}  those little brown fuzzy things   |
}  that eat bugs from the inside of  |
}  fallen, rotting trees?            |             Lumberjack/Zookeeper
}                                    |
}  If a w..dch.ck can chuck wood at  |
}  a rate of 3 kilograms per minute, |
}  and you can cut down trees of an  |
}  average mass 12 tons at a rate of |
}  one tree per fifteen minutes, how |
}  long will it take for you two     |
}  combined to cut down a forest of  |
}  200 trees, assuming a workday of  |
}  length 8 hours for you and 12     |                   Mathematician/
}  hours for the w..dch.ck?          |             Lumberjack/Zookeeper
}                                    |
}  How, exactly, do I know when a    |
}  question is Oracle-worthy?        |                           Oracle
}
} You owe the Oracle the answers to the sample questions. Show your
} working.


1382-02    (0afc7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O oracle most wise and benevolent please hear me.
>
> Where is the real amulet of yendor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is a hidden entrance to an ancient labyrinth that pre-dates the
} rise of man five blocks due north of the Colosseum in Rome.  Most of
} those unfortunate few who find their way into this labyrinth, either
} in search of it or by accident, end up lost and starve or become
} victims of the strange creatures that live there.  It is said that one
} day the Chosen One will enter and descend over 100 levels down, into
} the lowest and most dangerous portion of the labyrinth, just outside
} the Gates of Hell.  Along the way he will face many challenges, some
} too hideous for even me to speak of.  Once outside the Gates of Hell,
} he will face the indescribably hideous and fierce twin creatures who
} were put there millennia ago to guard the Amulet.  Should he manage to
} defeat them, he then will be set upon by the demons of Hell as he
} tries to ascend back to the surface.
}
} Unfortunately for the Chosen One, the Amulet of Yendor is now in a
} locked drawer (second one down on the right) of a desk in a forgotten
} basement room of the restaurant next door to the labyrinth's hidden
} entrance.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Amulet of Yendor and an expression of thanks
} that you're not the Chosen One.


1382-03    (5dd76 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Overwhelming Oracle, you astound the Astounding and analogise
> the Analog(ue).  I sit in your back seat and make slightly grovelly
> driving noises while you ask me to shut up.
>
> Please help me with my Grandmother.  She's not really my grandmother,
> but my maiden Aunt Cleora, my actual grandmother's sister.  We took,
> so I am told, to calling her Grandmother after my grandmother had died
> in the coreposis epedemic of 1947.  It was sort of a joke, because she
> had never married, and never had any children.  She's very much like
> you, in that she knows everything, but occasionally her words get a bit
> jumbled in the transcription from her mind onto my notepaper.
>
> Anyway, as she gets old, she's either getting wise, or more subtle, or
> maybe both.  She says I should marry, but I think she's confusing me
> with my brother, who didn't marry until she wa 38.  I've been married
> about six or seven times, but it didn't work out.  I'm not looking to
> marry again real soon.
>
> How can I get her to stop getting older?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well I never! I had a supplicant the other day ooh he was so witty,
} he made these nice little analogggy anolizy noises the other
} day -- he deserves such a sweetie! He wanted to know whether he
} should marry! Not often does anyone answer these sort of question
} these days. Them young people are so disrespectul and rude these days.
} They have no manners, not grovel, but rush straight into the question!
} Thy think the're so clever, not in the old days when people read books.
} Now they play these toys all day long and think they're so clever.
} Clever ha! Thay don't learnt the time tiables and can't add in their
} head nowadays. Whatever happened to proper schooling these days,
} now there's all these new fangled maths in round rooms, and playing
} games on computers all days long! Ooh the cheek of it they even look
} at naked women on 'em screens. The shamelessness of these youths.
} They're too young they go straight past the legal warning screen
} though they're clearly well under the age of 18! Shouldn't be allowed!
} Should be net nannied right up to 18!  They did in my days they did.
}
} The war that did it. The one my husband Bertie died. Ooh he was such
} a hero.  He was an air man he was. Ooh Bertie what big trousers he
} wore! (Holding up fingers in the air) he shot down 13 Germans he did!
} Before he was shot down by the Red Baron in the Battle of Britain.
} He defended the nation right and proper, against Hitler he did.
} We were fit then, our food were rationed, we dug for victory. We even
} had to make our own pizzas in those days, you couldn't get them off
} the shelf, not in those days you couldn't. We had those little books,
} them rations books, the shopkeeper will tear off a page when you did
} your shopping. We were all fit as a fiddle then, not like today when
} half the people are fat and lazy now. Couch potatos they call 'em now.
} I remember these Yanks came over to help us in the war. Ooh their
} uniforms were so smart! Not dull and brown like ours. They were over
} paid, over sexed, and over here. They were no match for my handsome
} Bertie though.  Ooh Bertie was hung like a stallion! EEh!
}
} Today's youngsters couldn't fight their ways out of a paper bag!
} Only last week they went to Vietnam and complained about the heat!
} They used napalm on children. Should've seen the girl on the front page
} all over tha papers then, she was running and burnt and all screaming,
} all the clothes burnt off her backs! Ooh the cheek of it!
}
} I see President Reagan got through for the second time. And Margaret
} Thatcher lost the election, and Tony Blair won. I never voted Labour.
} Always Conservative. Churchill was a hero - he brought Britain through
} the war. A bulldog he was. That right a bulldog. We have a poodle now.
} Tony Blair the Poodle. And Reagan he was always going on about Star
} Wars. I remember when I watched Star Wars - it was on the picture
} last month. I couldn't understand it with them robots and Darth Vader,
} gnomes with big ears and these funny swords. Darth sounded so much
} like Bertie and he wore all black like Bertie did. Only his trousers
} weren't as big as Bertie you know! Wink wink nudge nudge!
}
} The Americans had another war the other day, not a big one like The
} War the one where my Bertie was shot down in his spitfire. They went
} to Iraq, or Iran, where the Arabs live. They were looking for oil,
} or DMW, or WDM or is it WMD? Oh I don't know. Its all new fangled
} these day with these new appreviations. They found Saddam, the one
} with the big moustache, like Thomson in Tintin. Or was it Thompson?
} They found him in a hole in the middle of nowhere. Ooh he was so
} pitiful, Saddam was all thin and looking like a tramp. He couldn't
} cook or wash up! Served him right! Now the Americans have stayed on to
} give them an election. They keep getting blown up, and now the young
} boys don't want to join the US Army. Don't blame 'em!  They think
} its like backpacking and shooting with a rifle after a day's hike.
} They don't train them like they used to, they even wear glasses!
} EEh they let women fight! They look so smart in their uniform!
} My grandson showed me how to surf the web he did. He showed me these
} videos like little TVs, little pictures like the telly the size of a
} postage stamp! oh why cant they makes the videos bigger it strains my
} eyes to peer so close. They got them videos of them boot camps where
} they train em up to be soldiers. They make them so easy these days.
} They wouldn't join if they weren't made so easy for them!
}
} Oh sorry the Oracle, should the supplicant marry? Well he married 6 or
} 7 times, or was it 8? Well if he can't hold down a marriage, then I
} don't think he should even bother. He might as well have a one night
} stand, ooh the cheek of it! What do these youngsters do now, they
} go to them discos, they do the twist, and they grind their legs and
} rub the bottoms together!  They don't dance proper like they used to,
} with steps and all, foxtrots, and walzes, now that's proper dancing.
} Its all started with Rock and Roll.  Devil's music. Them places are
} so noisy, they go all deaf. They take drugs too.  Why cant they take
} medicine at home in the bathroom? Now they take em like smarties,
} all them different colours. They even eat blotting paper! Then they
} see things, colours and things like that. Its them hippies, they take
} drugs, and tell the youngsters to drop out!
}
} What was the other question, how can you get her to stop getting
} older?  Now that is a conundrum, like a pretzel! Well you can't!
} Isn't it obvious! But them mortals you cant expect em to see time
} like we can? We all grow old, the mortals die and take their place
} in one of the Nine Planes, like the vicar said at Sunday school.
} Except the immortals we have died and we live for ever now. You can
} talk forever in the Land of Obsequious W**dchucks.  Ooh they even have
} numbers on their ears! They wait on you hand and feet and don't throw
} things about! Ooh so well behaved! Or maybe it's the way you see em?
} If your a good incarnate you will go to First Heaven! Just like the
} vicar said.
}
} Or if you're a good supplicant, you go to Fifteen Zero, and you play
} beach volleyball all the time! Saw it on the Olympics on the telly
} the other day!  No not the mountain, the games! The cheek of it, the
} women shorts are so shorts that half their bottoms are sticking out!
} They keep scratching em!  They play so well! No wonder the stands
} are full of men packed like sardines! The refs should make them wear
} shorts like the mens, but the stand wont get their money's worth
} would they? It's them shorts that pull 'em in you see, and the men
} pay them tickets and so the women can get paid! Its two big squares
} down that way if you want to have a look!
}
} And ad infinitum.


1382-04    (89e67 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All hail the Oracle, the Oracle has vocal modulation of a
> rock star, the expressive power of a movie star, and more
> power than a neutron star,
>
> Who can repair the humpback whale?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, did it get accidentally circumcised?
} Then you'll need four skin divers.


1382-05    (1cfe2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most thingumational Oracle, whose coolativity is most sizeablous...
>
> What are the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse, the ominous portents of the
> End of Days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Large firey objects will fall from the sky at an alarming speed.
}
} 2) Wars will break out amongst all nations (including Switzerland),
} and the greatest and most respected governments of the entire world
} will collapse.
}
} 3) Great advances in science will lead to societal destruction.
}
} 4) Natural disasters will ravage the planet as Mother Earth attempts
} to obliterate those who have taken advantage of her beauty and wealth
} for so long.
}
} 5) The animal kingdom will rise up and declare itself independent of
} human rule, forming an army that will dominate what is left of the
} world.  Dogs will tell humans to sit, no longer vice-versa.
}
} 6) The existence of the written word will cease when your printer
} explodes in a blinding flash of light.
}
} 7) Communication will be made impossible as suppicants to the Oracle
} begin to use words never before seen in any dictionary
} ("thingumational"?  "coolativity"?  "sizeablous"?).
}
} You owe the Oracle a telescope -- this should be fun to watch.


1382-06    (26gc8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle Most Witty, you are a deity with all his own hair
> and a humorous side-kick and a million sure-fire gags and
> an infinite supply of wisdom, Wow, you're grand!
>
> How can I make the horse's demise look like an accident?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will need a gun, some amunition, and the horse, of course.  Ride
} it into your local bank  Actually you may need to walk it in.  But get
} back on the horse once you get inside, because your cover is that you
} were using it for effect.  Procede with your standard loud and
} obnoxious robbery.  When the police show up outside, grab a bag of
} money, a hostage, and the horse, and go outside.  Have a discussion
} with the police along the lines of "If you follow me and the horse
} I'll blow John or Jane Q. Hostage's head off."  Wave your gun around
} "for effect."  "Accidentally" pull the trigger when it's pointed at
} the horse's brain.  If you're still alive at this point, collapse over
} the horse and begin bawling "Oh, Rufus!  Why?  Why?"  Substitute the
} horse's actual name for Rufus..  As you are slammed to the ground and
} your arm is twisted behind your back for cuffing, relax knowing they
} will never know that killing the horse was your intention all along.
}
} You owe the Oracle 10 years with good behavior.


1382-07    (5ed75 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Two obscure mentions in Return of the King...one in the Silmarillion...
> Oh great Oracle, who probably has read everything Tolkien wrote in the
> History of Middle Earth, could you please save me the effort of going
> to the library and looking through several volumes by telling me
> directly what Variags are and what they do all the time down there in
> Khand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm not positive but, judging from this early Tolkien draft, I would
} guess they were to supposed to be bovine.
}
} (courtesy of the Tolkien estate)
}
} "I am you as he are you as he are thee and thee are all together.
} See how they fly like dwarves in the sky, see how they soar.
} I'm boring.
}
} "Sitting on a toadstool, waiting for the man to show.
} Silmarillion hair-shirt, silly on the weekend.
} Elf, you been a little org, you let your ears get long.
} I am the milkman, they are the milkmen.
} I am the Variag, moo moo m'lube.
}
} "Mister barefoot hobbit sitting
} Happy little hobbits in a row.
} See how they drink like fish in a sink, see how they roar.
} I'm boring, I'm boring.
} I'm boring, I'm boring.
}
} "Sitting in a khandish garden wanting to be found.
} If they don't show up, I'll get a burn
} From waiting for the clouds to turn.
} I am the milkman, they are the milkmen.
} I am the variag, moo moo m'lube m'moo moo m'lube.
}
} "Wizards lizards halfling schmalfling
} Don't you know the goblins dream of you?
} See how they sleep like that Smigl creep,
} See how they snore.
} I'm boring.
}
} "Semolina pilchard, roasting on an open fire.
} Father Francis Morgan saving one more lost sole.
} Man, you should have seen him having unprotected sex.
} I am the milkman, they are the milkmen.
} I am the variag, moo moo m'lube m'moo moo m'lube.
} Moo moo m'lube m'moo moo m'lube m'moo..."
}
} You owe the Oracle a glass onion.


1382-08    (27ee7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful traveller, who smites out of love, do bestow
> upon me a grain of unvarnished truth......
>
> What would you do with Peoplesoft anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Put it in the dryer with my load of people so that they come out fluffy
} and smooth to the touch.
}
} .... What?  Not people *softener*?
}
} Well.  I'll have to look into this one further.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new dryer.


1382-09    (5cda4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is an acorn a nut or a fruit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The "Acorn" is neither.
}
} It's the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN).
}
} However, they do accept donations of both fruits and nuts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a squirrel.


1382-10    (16fca dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey!
>
> Who the heck picked all these pecks of pickled pepper? I'm
> knee-deep in the darn things!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, while many know that Peter Piper picked many a peck of pickled
} peppers, few know the importance of Petra Penny, another pickled
} pepper picker, who picked plentiful amounts of pickled pepper in her
} time. When Peter Piper met Petra Penny while picking many a peck of
} pickled peppers. Peter Piper, who was going through puberty, liked
} Petra Penny, who was plentiful, so he picked petunias for Petra when
} he should have been picking pecks of pickled peppers. Peter and Petra
} fell in love, but their pickled pepper picking job suffered as they
} found new plentiful 'pickled peppers' to pick. So with threats of
} being punted from their job and given a pink slip, Peter Piper drove
} his pinto to Pittsburgh to purchase a pneumatic pickled pepper picker,
} promised to pick plentiful amount of pickled peppers perfectly and
} automatically. The pneumatic pickled pepper picker picked so many
} pecks of pickled peppers that you are now knee-deep in them.
}
} You owe the oracle a new 'P' key.


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