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Internet Oracularities #1383

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Internet Oracularities #1383    (37 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 17 Apr 2005 21:07:51 -0500 (EST)

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   1383
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1383  37 votes 1aad3 37fb1 17ad6 69f43 06g69 1b9b5 27da5 34dd4 269d7 15ea7
1383  3.2 mean  3.2   3.0   3.4   2.7   3.5   3.2   3.2   3.3   3.5   3.5


1383-01    (1aad3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Overreaching but unpunished Oracle, nothing I ask of
> you ever makes enough sense.  I keep falling into
> stupid traps of my own making, probably because I
> am less than half as good at grovelling as you yourself
> must be.
>
> Be that as it may, I'm going to try grovelling once
> again.  Maybe this time I'll succeed.
>
> I see that you have an old armoured tank on your lawn.
> It's gotta be left over from WWII.  I'm gonna grovel
> from inside it.
>
> No, no!!  It's moving!  Holy Cheez-its!  CRUNCH!
>
> THUD.
>
> I'm now at the bottom of your drained swimming pool,
> next to your battered MG-TC, your deflated blimp
> and an unused pile of incendiary rockets.  What do I
> do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Evolve gills. The water truck is on its way.
}
} You owe the Oracle more bait for his Weekend Warrior Trap.


1383-02    (37fb1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Theres not much I can say but coreopsis caused by
> eating too much eggplant or chicken tenders engines.
> When will they abdicate the death warmed over and go
> into some sort of fender minding obsession?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wait, no, that's not right. Hold on a second. *twiddle*
}
} > I dont have time to anathematize myxoid chowderheads until the
} > piquantness raps from Saxonism is microwaved.
} > Why is the upscaling of amyloids generally prohibited rather
} > than being puttying reimplanted enchainments?
}
} No, that's even worse. Try again... *twiddle*
}
} > Cant the anisometropic diagonals do their own tooling?
}
} Well, at least it's shorter now... *twiddle*
}
} > Oracle, whose masterful auguring provides clarifications of matters
} > relating to chickens: how can I become more trigly?
}
} Ah-hah. There we go, although the reference to chickens is still
} puzzling.
}
} And, in answer to your question: already done.
} You owe the Oracle an updated /usr/dict/words.


1383-03    (17ad6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What shall we do with the drunken noodles,
> What shall we do with the drunken noodles,
> What shall we do with the drunken noodles,
> Earlie in the morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chop 2 chicken breasts into small pieces,
} Chop 2 chicken breasts into small pieces,
} Chop 2 chicken breasts into small pieces,
} Earlie in the morning.
}
} Dice some vegetables and slice some peppers,
} Dice some vegetables and slice some peppers,
} Dice some vegetables and slice some peppers,
} Earlie in the morning.
}
} Season to taste with chinese five spice,
} Season to taste with chinese five spice,
} Season to taste with chinese five spice,
} Midway through the morning.
}
} Stir-fry the lot in a wok well-seasoned,
} Stir-fry the lot in a wok well-seasoned,
} Stir-fry the lot in a wok well-seasoned,
} Getting on for lunchtime.
}
} Get yourself a pot of boiling water,
} Get yourself a pot of boiling water,
} Get yourself a pot of boiling water,
} Just about on lunchtime.
}
} Simmer all the noodles till they soften,
} Simmer all the noodles till they soften,
} Simmer all the noodles till they soften,
} As the clock strikes noontime.
}
} Serve four to six with a side of crackers,
} Serve four to six with a side of crackers,
} Serve four to six with a side of crackers,
} For a tasty lunchtime.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Italian recipe to the tune of "She'll be coming
} round the mountain".


1383-04    (69f43 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, the Oracle is always on duty.
}
} Note that I nobly dodged the mature-audiences interpretation of the
} question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more lengthy grovel.


1383-05    (06g69 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dear oracle, what would a hitchcockian re-make of willy wonka be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shortly before he died, Sir Alfred undertook just such a project.
} Sadly, his will specified that it not be released in its half-
} completed state.  However I can share with you the broad outlines.
}
} The working title was Dial C For Chocolate.  Five children are
} playing across the street from a factory, when they witness
} through an upper-floor window what appears to be a man being
} smothered in a vat of chocolate.  The young witnesses are spotted
} by burly security men, and are kidnapped and gotten drunk on
} chocolate liqueurs in order to stage their demise in a crop
} dusting accident.
}
} However they escape and they stagger around the interior passages
} of the enormous factory.  Soon they encounter the owner himself,
} Mister Willy Wonka, who brushes aside their stories of seeing
} foul play and being captured by big cruel men.
}
} He takes them on a guided tour of his amazing place of business,
} letting the children sample the candy products which have various
} magical effects (flying, belching, etc etc etc).  Of particular
} interest to the children are the candies molded in the shapes
} of items - not ordinary shapes like hearts and Santa Clauses,
} but guns and daggers and sharp pointy scissors.  Willy notices
} their apprehension, and encourages it as he murmurs "the suspense
} is terrible ... I hope it'll last".
}
} Meanwhile, details of the children's past are alluded to,
} indicating there is more going on than was evident at first.
} Nasty Veruca Salt, shown in an early scene as making eyes at Mike
} Teevee, is revealed to have had a relationship in the past with
} the impoverished Charlie Bucket, while Charlie's present paramour
} Violet Beauregarde is found to have engaged in an embarrassing
} social-suicide dalliance with fat Augustus Gloop.  It is hinted
} that Violet and Veruca may even have designs upon each other,
} while we find that Augustus excuses himself to visit the bathroom
} at an uncommon frequency.
}
} Soon it emerges that Wonka's intentions are at best mixed.  He
} queries the children as to their willingness to fly to Rio to
} spy on some tennis-playing Nazis - competitors in the chocolate
} business, he tells them.  He asks them to deposit his $40,000
} in a Rio bank, but they seem unwilling.
}
} He brings the children into his "aviary", and sure enough, the
} huge room contains chocolate carvings of hundreds of species of
} birds, from wee sparrows to feasome looking hawks and eagles.
} Willy taunts the children by pointing out the five candy
} "lovebirds" in his collection, each with a nametag corresponding
} to one of his guests.
}
} As they continue their tour, one by one the children mysteriously
} disappear - they black out and when they regain consciousness one
} of them is missing.  For example, another room contains replicas
} of skyscrapers, circus trapezes, church bell towers, and mountain
} crests, complete with chocolate figures of people falling to their
} demise.  The children find themselves overcome with dizziness at
} this, and run from the room screaming, and after a blackout where
} they communicate with the spirit of a dead woman who they were
} unable to save ("Give me your hand. Give me your hand"), Veruca
} Salt is now gone.
}
} In another room is a complex of 12 chocolate cabins (all vacant)
} giving the kids the creeps, and soon Violet is missing.  Willy
} pooh poohs the disappearance, saying, "Violet isn't quite herself
} today".
}
} Soon, only Charlie is left.  Frightened, he blurts out, "they said
} when you got here, the whole thing started.  Who are you?  What
} are you?  Where did you come from?  I think you're the cause of
} all this."  Willy replies, as he approaches Charlie menacingly,
} "yeah, well, DUH."
}
} The scene dissolves to the aviary, where we see Willy removing the
} surface features of his face, revealing that he is in actuality
} a man made of chocolate, and what the children had witnessed in
} the factory window had really been him replenishing himself.  And
} the five chocolate "lovebirds" are seen now to be animated,
} twittering about together in their cage, doomed for all eternity.
}
} Wooo.  Real scary, eh kids?
}
} You owe the Oracle a synopsis of Monster Chiller Horror Theater.


1383-06    (1b9b5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most Splendificalistical,
>
> Why are so many words useful in grovels not found in the dictionary?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Webster never grovelled
} I zotted him, you see
} For pruning useful vowels
} like axe's final e
}
} A dictionary, I told him
} records the words we use to think
} don't mess with their true structure
} just for your book to shrink
}
} But webby, he had none of it
} he pruned and slashed and burned
} to make all spelling easier
} declension rules he spurned
}
} I took offence at this furore
} his face turned deathly grey
} as though a spectre he had seen
} he knew what was on its way
}
} I zotted him a further time
} And to labour my point
} his reched book with nitroglycerine
} I surely did anoint
}
} So there you have it, supplicant
} The dictionary doesn't contain supplicantacious words because the people
} who compile dictionaries have their heads in stratocumulocloaca and
} never think of grovelling. They're far too busy mutilating a perfectly
} peaceful language. Sliods, all of them.
}
} You owe the oracle some slood.


1383-07    (27da5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Divine Oracle,
>
> How many people are now in Heaven and Hell?  It seems like it would be
> very difficult to avoid Hell, with the rules that various religions
> impose.  For example, there's basically no meat all of them agree is
> OK to eat.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How many people are now in Heaven and Hell?  All the dead ones, of
} course.  Oh, except for the Catholics currently stuck in Purgatory.
} (Did you notice no one mentioned *that* during Pope John Paul II's
} recent funeral?)
}
} But I suppose that's not what you meant.  Really, supplicant, if you
} want to gain wisdom, you must be precise in the questions you ask.
} Well, I'll do you a favor and try to find the answers you really
} wanted.
}
} Now what'd I do with St. Peter's number?  Ah, here it is.
}
} <RING>  <RING>
}
} Hey, Pete.  It's Orrie.
}
} Fine, fine.  How about you?  Keepin' those golden gates gleaming?
}
} Good.  Hey, I got a question for you, seeing as you're in charge of
} the attendance Up There and all.  Just how many souls have signed in?
}
} Sure, I can wait a minute.
}
} [SHORT PAUSE]
}
} Really?  Huh.  Okay, thanks.  Hey, you gonna be at the next poker
} night?
}
} Good, I'll see you then.  <CLICK>
}
} I hope he really makes it this time.  He seems to back out at the last
} minute so often.  But when he makes it, it makes for an interesting
} night.  Anyone who can "deny Jesus" really knows how to bluff!
}
} Okay, so I've got half the answer.  Let's get the other half.
}
} <RING>  <RING>  <RING>  <RING>  <RING>
}
} Hey, Sate.  How's it hanging?
}
} Oh, really?
}
} Yeah, yeah.  You always say that.  Look, can you look up something for
} me?
}
} Yeah, yet another supplicant's question.
}
} I know, I know.  Look, all I need to know is how many souls you're
} currently playing host to.
}
} You don't?  How about a rough guess?
}
} Very funny.  Actually, you know, I'll go with that.  Serves this
} supplicant right.
}
} I hear that!  See ya, Sate.
}
} Thanks.  <CLICK>
}
} Well, Satan says keeping a head count for Hell would just be too
} orderly a thing to do.  His best estimate is "billions and billions
} served."  And unfortunately, St. Peter tells me exact numbers for
} Heaven are never released, as it could be seen as a denial of simple
} faith.  Far be it from me to argue with the Big Guy, but I can tell
} you this much:  vegetarians are well represented.
}
} You owe the Oracle a count of the number of pinheads needed so that
} *all* the angels can dance on one.


1383-08    (34dd4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to know more about Jonah, in the Bible, who swallowed
> the whale.  And how does that relate to people swallowing
> stories that they hear on the Internet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know an old lady who swallowed a story.  In all its glory, a little
} bit gory, with cacciatore she swallowed a story.  I don't know why she
} swallowed a story.  Perhaps she'll die.
}
} I know an old lady who swallowed a whale.  Although it was stale, out
} of a pail lost on the trail in great detail to no avail wearing a veil
} she swallowed a whale.  I don't know why she swallowed a whale. Perhaps
} she'll die.
}
} I know an old lady who swallowed a Jonah.  In old Barcelona or Globe,
} Arizona with Shakespeare's Verona she swallowed a Jonah.  I don't know
} why she swallowed a Jonah.  Perhaps she'll die.
}
} I know an old lady who swallowed the internet.  She isn't done yet.


1383-09    (269d7 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which country shall come to power after US?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I like to see supplicants that think about the long term goals--global
} warming, social security, ultimate power.
}
} Anticipating your next question, I recommend buying a lot of real
} estate in and around Omaha, Nebraska. You're probably wondering why. I
} don't even have to be omniscient to tell you that.
}
} In the latter part of 2006 and most of 2007, human cloning becomes
} rampant. Late 2007 finds el Prez al dente George banning human cloning
} again (he would set a new record for "most times banning the same
} thing" by the end of his term). Scientists continued ignoring him and
} continued their experiments.
}
} After the 2008 election, as his first act of office, el Prez al dente
} Jeb changes the official title back to "President." His second act
} involves signing into law an Official Crime Series: the "Law and
} Order" dynasty. In his inauguration, he declares a "war on science,"
} although critics decide that he is merely fighting his predecessor's
} battles for him, calling the "war" a "Bush Family Agenda."
}
} In 2009, reporters make public Jeb Bush's Dayrunner, specifically the
} entries under January 20, 2009: "8:00. Breakfast with George. 9:30.
} Watch "Law and Order" reruns. Noon. Get sworn in. 3:00. Start inane
} 'war'  for mom and dad." People take offense and begin siding with the
} scientists.
}
} By 2011, cloning is as popular as Botox and Viagra. Stock soars for
} Amalgamated Body Parts. For the first time since the Clinton Years,
} the United States has a surplus budget, which Jeb spends on a new hair
} weave.
}
} November 2012. On the night before the election, the Washington ePost
} reports where the surplus went. Jeb Bush drops 3 points in the polls,
} falling just behind a floundering Lyndon LaRouche. The next day the
} country overwhelmingly elects Barack Obama. He is immediately
} assassinated. Vice-President-Elect Hillary Clinton attends his funeral
} two days later and is mowed down by a runaway news truck. As the
} satellite dish breaks loose, it falls to the side of the truck,
} crushing an inquisitive Speaker of the House Schwarzenegger. This
} marks the first time a President pro tempore of  the Senate has risen
} to the highest office of all.
}
} December 2012. But he has to survive another month. And it's cold and
} flu season.
}
} January 2013. An asteroid is spotted heading straight toward Earth.
} The Unbelievable Faith of the Husky Order of Worshippers Who Believe
} the Earth Will Be Struck By An Asteroid in  January 2013 become the
} one true religion. Their rapture consists of two apple wedges and a
} stick of celery. Not only does the asteroid destroy their headquarters
} in Manassas, Virginia, but it takes out 90% of the east coast. The
} people of Ypsilanti, Michigan, rejoice, for they now have beachfront
} property. At least the ones that lived.
}
} September 2013. The clones have gathered together in Caspar, Wyoming,
} for their annual meeting and make plans to take over what remains of
} the United States. They infiltrate every city in every state except
} for one, Omaha, Nebraska, which even they can't seem to explain.
}
} Well, I don't want to give away the ending, but the clones are
} eventually destroyed and the whole country, from the west coast to the
} not-as-east-as-it-used-to-be coast, is renamed Ohama, Nebraska.
}
} You owe the Oracle a synopsis of the Food Fights of 2037.


1383-10    (15ea7 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle who knows everything about anything, lord of the
> lords, king of the kings, please tell me: how many roads must a man
> walk down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well dear supplicant, that depends on the man. I tell
} you what, let's ask a cross section of living, dead
} and fictitious characters and see what they have
} learned from experience:
}
} Douglas Adams:        42
}
} Armadoe Avagadro:     6.02x10^23
}
} James Bond:           7
}
} Moses:                10
}
} Burt Baskin and
} Irv Robbins:          31
}
} Barry Bonds:          755   (he wishes!)
}
} Neil Armstrong:       11
}
} Gene Rodenberry:      1701
}
} Leonard McCoy:        Dammit I'm a doctor not a
}                       mathematician!
}
} Bill Gates:           That answer will be released in
}                       the next Windows service pack.
}
} Bill Clinton:         Depends what you mean by walk
}
} George W Bush:        I promise you no new roads
}
} Patrick McGoohan:     There is not a number - only
}                       free roads!
}
} Confucius:            A journey of many roads must
}                       begin with a single road.
}
} Yogi Berra            I don't know, but when you come
}                       to a fork in the road, take it.
}
} Mae West:             I don't know, but if he walks
}                       down mine he's in for a bumpy
}                       ride!
}
} Mark Twain:           When a younger man I could
}                       remember every road, whether I
}                       had walked down it or not.
}
} Oscar Wilde:          There is only one thing worse
}                       than walking down a road, and
}                       that is not walking down it.
}
} Ray Charles:          What Road?
}
} So there you have it, even dead people have no idea
} what you're talking about.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of strong walking boots and
} a map.


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