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Internet Oracularities #1384

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1384, 1384-01, 1384-02, 1384-03, 1384-04, 1384-05, 1384-06, 1384-07, 1384-08, 1384-09, 1384-10


Internet Oracularities #1384    (46 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 13 May 2005 08:07:36 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1384
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1384  46 votes 28ib7 2icb3 8di61 0cfc7 05eed 17bk7 37eg6 3cia3 2fn42 3jb94
1384  3.1 mean  3.3   2.9   2.5   3.3   3.8   3.5   3.3   3.0   2.8   2.8


1384-01    (28ib7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of Majestic Irony:
>
> You see, I was walking down the street and was getting a bunch of odd
> stares. Even the street people were edging away from me, and they are
> RABID, I assure you. And whenever I tried to say "Hello", they screamed
> and ran away. It's really odd, and slightly disturbing.
>
> So, I guess my question is...
>
> Is it possible to be a killer for hire and not know it? And if so, how
> can I stop myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, your fly is down.


1384-02    (2icb3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *ring ring* *
> *Oracle groans at beign woken up at 7:00 am, but picks up*
> Voice on the phone: Most amazing oracle who's splendiferousness
>
> Oracle: Okay, get to the point, Zadoc, it's seven am.
>
> Zadoc: Oh most awesome, kind and merciful oracle I am
> too sick with the flu to come in to work this morning.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Really?
}
} Zadoc: Really. (Wheeze) Oh wise Oracle.
}
} Oracle: Really??
}
} Zadoc: Really. Oh most wise *cough* and beautiful Oracle.
}
} Oracle: Really????
}
} Zadoc: Really. Oh most intelligent, *sniff* wise and beautiful Oracle.
}
} Oracle: REALLY????????
}
} Zadoc: Really. Oh thoughtful, most intelligent, wise *nice blow* and
} beautiful Oracle.
}
} Oracle: Interesting. So how do I know you're not faking?
}
} Zadoc: Your wonderful Oracleness, don't you know everything?
}
} Oracle: Entertain me. I like to hear the gears in your head
} turning occasionally.
}
} Zadoc: Well, if you fire up your first question for
} the morning, you'll notice that the first supplicant
} for the day has already experienced this conversation, so
} therefore it must be true.
}
} Oracle: That doesn't make any sense.
}
} Zadoc: ... *cough*
}
} Oracle: (Sigh.) Hmm, so what was the question from
} the supplicant?
}
} Zadoc: Well.. he didn't actually have one.
}
} Oracle: So how am I supposed to answer that?
}
} Zadoc: I guess... you don't really have to.
}
} Oracle: Ok.
}
} Zadoc: So.... your oracleness... do I need to come in this morning?
}
} Oracle: <CLICK>


1384-03    (8di61 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> digest 1382-04 question malresponded rectify fullwise

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a bizzare little man you are, human!
} Or maybe you're not human.. hmm that gives me
} a thought.
}
} (Oracle is seen flying from his present location
} through the galaxies and into a stargate, comes up
} and out and appears in a white room, standing in a
} pool of water and addressing a large frog)
}
} (Oracle) "Hi Geoff, what's up?"
}
} (Geoff) "kneegle claxwtio sneefrog werssst"
}
} (Oracle) "Sorry, this is being translated for another
} supplicant, can you use language #4783-12 please?"
}
} (Geoff) "poorkdle ghuuurhgh aganznzsst?"
}
} (Oracle) "#4783-13 then"
}
} (Geoff) "sorry mate. Any better?"
}
} (Oracle) "Rippin. Anyway, I just needed to know
} if any of your underlings had got into my oracle
} sub-system intended for earth."
}
} (Geoff) "Ahh yeah, that's right me old mucka. The
} other day this shiela came along and wanted to try
} out her english (#4783-13) on a few drongos, so I
} pointed her towards your site."
}
} (Oracle) "Well here's what she said, I think she
} was complaining about that one with the whale"
}
} (Geoff) "Really? Bloody hell! I though that one was pretty good!"
}
} (Oracle) "Yeah, so did I. So...."
}
} (Geoff) "That's ok, I'll discipline her later"
}
} (Oracle) "Thanks G boy. What do you think her problem was?"
}
} (Geoff) "Who cares mate. Can ya give us a gander at some of the
} new digests coming up?"
}
} (Oracle) "Sorry bud, no can do... Well, here's one"
}
} (Geoff) "Hey, you just ripped off Seinfeld for this
} one. It's not even funny."
}
} (Oracle) "Did I?"
}
} (Geoff) "And I'm pretty sure I heard this one on
} Saturday night live. Steve Martin I think. I dunno
} Oracle, you're losing your touch"
}
} (Oracle) "Ok, just you wait. Give us another one
} and we'll see what happens."
}
} (G) "Will do chief! Alright, I'm off to knock back
} a few stubbies with Bazza and Steve. Catcha"
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology to Geoff. Learn
} english on your own time without wasting mine.


1384-04    (0cfc7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bonus Oracle!  Yes, I'll pay a bonus to any Oracle who can
> help me earn money.  This Is Your Chance To Make Big Buck$$.
>
> Just send me a list of all your supplicants and their e-mail
> addresses.  They're all losers with inadequate anatomy, so I'll
> send them ads for anatomy enhancers, which they will buy in
> huge amounts.  I'll send you a percentage of my net profit.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry Sid, no deal.  I agree that my supplicants are losers, but if
} their -- ahem -- anatomical problems were solved they'd be out having a
} life, not sitting in front of their computers asking me questions...
}
} ...which I sit in front of a computer and answer...
}
} ...instead of having a life...
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of your enhancement solution.  Make it two to
} be on the safe side.


1384-05    (05eed dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Z5:;i!PY2%/NQKKA!rUg!o"s^W;2dd.r__hnt=,
> d)70s=KT"1W N 39 27 E 5f S 13d9 R 1ee37cf6 c

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nyetwork Working Group                                        I. Oracle
} Internet Draft                                   CS, Indiana University
} Category: Standards Track                                    April 2005
}
}            Extending Base64 Encoding Using Bridge Commentary
}
} Status of This Memo
}
}    This document specifies an Internet oracularity issued in response
}    to an Internet supplication, also known as a "Request for
}    Entertainment" (RFE). This is a draft only and has not yet been
}    approved for publication as a Digested Internet oracularity.
}
} Copyright Notice
}
}    Copyright (C) The Internet Oracle (2005).
}
} Abstract
}
}    The base64 encoding scheme has served the network well for the past
}    decade or so, allowing transfer of unsafe binary data in a
}    convenient 7-bit network ANSI encoded format. The main shortcoming
}    associated with this encoding scheme is that it is too boring, and
}    lets network programmers off too lightly so that they can leave
}    early and spend more leisure time with their family or friends.
}
}    We propose an extension to base64 (the "Bridge-encoding" extension)
}    that will interpolate current Bridge commentary from selected Bridge
}    clubs across the state of Florida, at random places within base64
}    payloads. This will make life more interesting for network
}    programmers as base64 encoding and decoding algorithms will become
}    significantly harder to implement. When decoded using existing
}    methods, the following base64 text:
}
}    Z5:;i!PY2%/NQKKA!rUg!o"s^W;2dd.r__hnt=,
}    d)70s=KT"1W N 39 27 E 5f S 13d9 R 1ee37cf6 c
}
}    reads:
}
}    The stunning blonde writhed sensually as she broke from their
}    embrace to slip off In this round, West made a cautious opening with
}    a bid of 1 Clubs, prompting North to leap in with a 3-9-2-7
}    distribution no trump. East managed 5 tricks with the 0x0f of
}    Diamonds, but received a penalty when it was later discovered there
}    are no cards numbered in hexadecimal. Bidding proceeded with South
}    making a classic Danish standard opening bid of 1 Hearts while they
}    collapsed together, spent.
}
}    We predict network programmers across the world will race to develop
}    decoding algorithms for the Bridge-encoded part.


1384-06    (17bk7 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty oracle, what Nethack weapons would best serve to
> defeat the horde of monsters that determine college admissions
> (or, more appropriately, rejections)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try wielding $.  They'll all fall dead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mimic corpse.


1384-07    (37eg6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'M BACK! You might have confounded me in 1046-09, but I, the AOL
> Oracle, have returned! Prepare for battle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you had your fill of "teh pr0n", oh ye of little bandwidth?
}
} > Hey!11 My bndwith isnt "little"!!11!
}
} No, of course not. Would you like your "Zto" wand back? Did you wash
} your hands after staring at half-downloaded softcore pictures of
} Lindsay Lohan?
}
} >STFU! Its a Wand of Zot, and ti will be yuor undoing!
}
} Yes, yes. Here you go, catch.
}
} >...Your just givng it back to me? Why?/??
}
} It's not as if AOL made its way in the arena of corporate ISP's by
} being a client for power users and the computer-savvy. All I've done is
} made a few simple modifications to your wand that render it powerless
} for you.
}
} >How???
}
} I installed UNIX.
}
} >WHAT?!?!?
}
} Relax, with a few tutorials, you may even be able to find your root
} directory!
}
} >Whatre you tlaking about? Root? Is that like "My Computer?" WHERE IS
} TEH PR0N?!?
}
} All in due time. First, you'll have to learn how to function without a
} GUI.
}
} >OMGWTFF?!?!!!!11 WHATS TIHS BULLCRAPP?!?!!
}
} Hmm, on second thought, first you'll have to learn how to type a
} coherent command.
}
} >HLP PLZ!!! FAQ???
}
} Don't worry, knowledge of how computers actually work will come in
} time. And when you've learned about kernels and shells, when your cushy
} Windows-esque dependence on those with actual programming knowledge to
} do things for you gives way to a new and competent way of computing,
} you will bow humbly and grovel before the great Internet Oracle in
} order to ask The Question, as so many other challengers before you have
} asked:
}
} "How could I have been so foolish, oh Oracle? How could I have been so
} blind?"
}
} You owe the Oracle an open-source e-mail client programmed in LINUX.


1384-08    (3cia3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are keystroke loggers anything to do with Woodchucks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sad situation of keystroke logging is nothing new to residents of
} the Pacific Northwest, where healthy, free-standing keystrokes are
} cruelly harvested before their time by unscrupulous loggers and made
} into keyboards, then sold on the black market to be built into
} keyframe-houses for the very rich and, of course, new Stuckey's.
}
} But the newest blight on the land is the roving gangs of w**dch*cks
} laying straight-line traps. Many a would-be comedian has walked right
} into these, thinking them to be innocent, perhaps slightly humorous
} messages. Then the straight-line trap closes, imprisoning the victim
} until evening, when the prey is too weak from thirst and cold to defend
} itself.
}
} Then the horrid marmots come! Their feral teeth rip apart trap and prey
} together, biting, scratching, these horrendous creatures with their
} bilious eyes and swollen purple muscles, ravaging each limb down to the
} whitest bone, then taking wing by the thousands, shrieking, flapping,
} throwing a blanket of fetid darkness across the land!
}
} But all at once, when the night is darkest and hope is all but lost,
} there comes a glint of light from the farthest hillside... the Oracle
} with its Staff of ZOT! Raising it high, the Oracle begins to lay about
} with bolts and charges of pure fury, each seeking out a fetid marmot
} and rending its purulent flesh asunder! Stabbing inward to explode its
} sinister and dirty heart! A light like dawn streams forth from the
} staff, illuminating the Oracle's sweating face! Death! Death and new
} life!
}
} And then it is over. The true dawn comes and all the stinking carcasses
} wither to cabbage in the sunlight of morning and hope and reason and
} light! Light! LIGHT!


1384-09    (2fn42 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your oracleness, this is a two part question,
> The two parts are closely related, here goes:
>
> 1) What is the best flavour of Linux/Unix (FreeBSD, RedHat, Mandrake,
> etc)
>
> 2> Speaking of Flavours, what chemical will neutralize the burning
> effect of capsasin?
>
> Please advise
>
> Supplicant #440789-Alpha

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, now, let's see, "Supplicant 440789-Alpha,"
}
} If you underestimated the hot salsa, milk is a good idea.
}
} If your operating system is the thing that's burning, then mandrake is
} indeed the solution -- at least until you can find an understanding
} doctor. Though what you were doing putting capsaicin there no one
} needs to know.
}
} They say mandrake works best when steeped in a little wine, but I think
} you've already done enough damage to your motherboards, wouldn't you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a better grovel and a better medicinal vintage, too.


1384-10    (3jb94 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo! Yo! Yo! Orrie! Da man wit da bling bling.
> Wazzap bra?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see....where is it? Hmmm....Oh, there it is!
} The Internet Oracle's Guide to Slang. Whew. If I had
} lost this, I'd have to use that damn Babel Fish.
}
} Well. The entry for "bra" isn't in here. It must be
} the correct word. I have to say, dear Supplicant,
} being referred to as an article of clothing is not
} my idea of a good grovel. Nor does it constitute
} much of a question.
}
} Here is the answer to the question you meant to ask:
} No, the starfish will NOT mate with your parakeet.
} And stop trying.
}
} You owe the Oracle a coherent sentence.


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