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Internet Oracularities #1385

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Internet Oracularities #1385    (42 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 11:48:28 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1385
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1385  42 votes 1aha4 24add 2aj92 0a9g7 047eh 188eb 29ka1 1dha1 0aea8 12bhb
1385  3.4 mean  3.1   3.7   3.0   3.5   4.0   3.6   3.0   2.9   3.4   3.8


1385-01    (1aha4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bonus Oracle!  Yes, I'll pay a bonus to any Oracle who can
> help me earn money.  This Is Your Chance To Make Big Buck$$.
>
> Just send me a list of all your supplicants and their e-mail
> addresses.  They're all losers with inadequate anatomy, so I'll
> send them ads for anatomy enhancers, which they will buy in
> huge amounts.  I'll send you a percentage of my net profit.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry Sid, no deal.  I agree that my supplicants are losers, but if
} their -- ahem -- anatomical problems were solved they'd be out having a
} life, not sitting in front of their computers asking me questions...
}
} ...which I sit in front of a computer and answer...
}
} ...instead of having a life...
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of your enhancement solution.  Make it two to
} be on the safe side.


1385-02    (24add dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Minimalism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.


1385-03    (2aj92 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wise and wonderous Oracle, I beg for your help.  My local is
> having a Karoake contest, and I just know I can win if only I had
> lyrics to a song about Sendmail, set to some well-known music.  I'll
> cut you in on the prize.  1st place doesn't get booed off the stage.
>
> I like big malloc()'s and I cannot lie...
>
> no, no, that won't do at all.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a rough beginning.  You can polish it
} up a bit.  Sing to "Clementine" or to "The Marines'
} Hymn" as you prefer.
}
} Mem'ry leaking, mem'ry leaking,
} Mem'ry leaking all the time,
} Using malloc(), never freeing
} And the last line's just for rhyme.
}
} You've got automatic anti-spam,
} 'Cause it crashes when you send,
} And that hacker who exploits the bugs,
} Is he foe or is he friend?
}
} If you're not happy with the result, you might instead
} try singing "The Marines' Hymn" to "Clementine" or
} vice-versa.  It won't be about sendmail, but if there
} are any jar-heads there, you'll win *something*.


1385-04    (0a9g7 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wish to end my meanless life.  I, however, cannot seem to find anyone
> willing to perform the Mauk-to Vor ritual and speed my soul to
> Sto-Vo-Kor.  If I kill myself, I will surely find myself among the
> dishonored dead.  Great and powerful Oracle, what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple.  Go to one of the many theaters showing the new 'Star Wars'
} movie next week.  Make sure to wear the same Klingon mask and outfit
} that you have on now.  You're guaranteed a death in glorious combat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bat'leth.


1385-05    (047eh dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, true keeper of all knowledge of the flame:
>
> If matches were made in heaven, where do lighters come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O supplicant most deluded, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but both
} matches and lighters actually evolved over millions of years. They
} developed their present desirable characteristic of catching on fire
} through a process known as natural selection.
}
} The distant ancestor of the common domesticated match is widely
} believed by scientists to have been a featureless length of wood
} without the incendiary tip with which we are so familiar today. These
} match-primates were extremely vulnerable to predators, particularly
} small furry ones, which would approach stealthily and then proceed to
} chuck them.
}
} Over the millenia the matches developed the incendiary tip which became
} their primary means of defense. When a marmot came along and mistook
} the match for an ordinary length of wood, and picked it up with the
} intent of chucking it, the match would combust. The unsuspecting
} w**dch**ck would be incinerated in the blaze, which I am sure you will
} agree is the desired outcome.
}
} The rumour that divine beings were somehow guiding this process of
} natural selection is categorically false. I had nothing to do with
} this. Honest.


1385-06    (188eb dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose fire of knowledge burns hotter than a thousand suns,
> whose very toes I am undeserving to annoint with Tinactin:
>
> You find yourself in a damp cave with no obvious exits. The only
> light emanates from a small crack in the ceiling, far out of reach.
> Stalagmites and stalactites sit ominously in the dim recesses of the
> cave as you survey your surroundings, giving you an uneasy feeling.
> You have:
>
> L) A hotel ledger book
> X) A wand of XYZZY
> S) A dead squirrel
> $) 93 cents in pennies
>
> What would you like to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > x book
}
} It is a tan book, with golden print on the front. Half of the print is
} worn away, so all you can read is "ton".
}
} > read book
}
}        Name       | # |    In    |    Out    |
} ---------------------------------------------
} Paul Denton      | 1 | 5/1/05   |           |
} ?                | 2 | 1/9/05   |may be dead|
}
} > do the obvious
}
} You zap the wand of XYZZY at the hotel ledger book.
}
} You are in the 'Ton Hotel. This is a dilapidated old hotel, with bits of
} slime in places one wouldn't expect. Stairs lead up. An elevator shaft
} is to the west.
}
} Several rats attack you!
}
} Several rats hits for 1 point.
}
} > threaten rats with squirrel
}
} The rats know better than to mess with someone who can so easily
} dispatch a rodent!
}
} Several rats runs away.
}
} > look
}
} You are in the 'Ton Hotel. This is a dilapidated old hotel, with bits of
} slime in places one wouldn't expect. Stairs lead up. An elevator shaft
} is to the west.
}
} > e
}
} You are in an elevator shaft. A rickety, rusted service ladder leads up.
} There is a crate here.
}
} > open crate
}
} You got a lockpick from the crate.
}
} > u
}
} There is no exit in that direction.
}
} > climb ladder
}
} Are you sure? It looks dangerous!
}
} > yes
}
} Okay, fine then.
}
} You are in a hallway in the 'Ton Hotel. Room 1 is west. Room 2 is north.
}
} > n
}
} The door is locked!
}
} > use lockpick with room 2
}
} The room 2 opens.
}
} > n
}
} You are in the most disgusting hotel room ever. In the corner,
} Supplicant types away on an aging terminal.
}
} Supplicant is here.
}
} > talk to supplicant
}
} Supplicant seems interested in his terminal right now.
}
} > throw penny at supplicant
}
} Supplicant barely notices.
}
} > throw penny at supplicant
}
} Supplicant takes a little more interest.
}
} > throw penny at supplicant
}
} Supplicant takes a little more interest.
}
} > throw penny at supplicant
}
} Supplicant takes a little more interest.
}
} [ much later ]
}
} Supplicant looks up at you, annoyed and bleeding slightly from repeat
} penny hits to the back of the heat. His pale greasy face is disturbing.
}
} You lose 1 sanity point.
}
} "What do you WANT?"
}
} > ask supplicant about overused ideas for supplications
}
} Supplicant doesn't know about that.
}
} > take penny
}
} Taken.
}
} > throw penny at supplicant
}
} You hit Supplicant square in the forehead.
}
} Supplicant dies.
}
} *** N O B O D Y  W I N S ***
}
} You owe the Oracle the letter Q.


1385-07    (29ka1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful Oracle,
>
> Why am I always surrounded by programmers who are not as good
> as I am? Nobody seems to understand any of the posts on
> thedailywtf.com, asking questions just results in blank stares,
> and people seem amazed at my abilities to write code at a
> speed of greater than 10 lines of a code a day. Jeez, is it
> that bloody difficult to debug a bit of javascript?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh beseiged supplicant,
}
} No, it's not that difficult. The problem is that everyone
} else in your company has switched to decaffeinated coffee,
} and as a result everyone is too tired to concentrate on
} anything. So they're all just wandering around in a blank
} haze.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle - and to yourself - to secretly
} replace the decaf coffee in the machine with regular coffee.
} You'll be amazed at the difference it makes.


1385-08    (1dha1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I took your advice, O Stupenduouous One, on how to play
> FreeCell while my computer is down.  (I also am having
> trouble sending and receiving e-mail, but that's not
> bothering me as much as not being able to play FreeCell.)
>
> You suggested I get some "cards" and use them.  Although
> the thought of actual physical labour is repulsive to me,
> I went out and borrowed some cards from my weird cousin
> Balph, whose nose is always in a book.  Unfortunately
> he was on something, and the cards weren't manifesting
> correctly.  There are five suits, not four, and the
> numbers go up to 17.   Could you please invent me a new
> solitaire game that I can play using these ridiculous
> cards?  Like FreeCell, it should be an all-face-up game,
> because the backs of the cards all have an ugly picture
> on them.  Sometimes it looks like Balph, sometimes like
> you, and occasionally like me.
>
> Hurry, because I'm running in circles, and because my
> computer is still busted.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, shuffle the cards. Deal yourself a hand of 7 cards, and arrange
} the remaining 78 cards face-up in the shape of a giant duck. Make sure
} you form the bill properly - it's the most important part. After doing
} this, you must pick up all the cards and place them in a pile. You
} should start collecting them from the tip of the tailfeathers and work
} your way clockwise, around and around the duck until all of the cards
} are in the pile (face-up, again). The last card you picked up should
} be at the top. Look in your hand and see if you have any cards with
} that number. If so, put both the card in your hand and the card from
} the pile into a new pile (the discard pile). If there are no cards of
} that number in your hand, add the card to your hand. Repeat this until
} the pile is empty. Now add up the sum of the numbers of the cards in
} your hand. If this is greater than the sum of the numbers of the cards
} in the discard pile, you win. If the sum of the discard pile is
} greater or equal to that of your hand, you lose.
}
} Alternatively, go buy a real deck of cards.


1385-09    (0aea8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When the cars can Fly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, that's when she'll go out with you.


1385-10    (12bhb dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ------=_Part_1657_28006929.1117843264810
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
> Content-Disposition: inline
>
> oh wise and glorius internet oracle, my legs quiver at the thought of
> your= =20
> wisdom.
>  i have a friend who is convinced that no girls will ever like him. he
>  IS=
> =20
> kind of a computer nerd (marching band, robot-building, etc) but he's
> a=20 really nice kid. I keep telling him that the perfect girl isnt
> just going t= o=20
> fall out of his ass and that he has to apply himself in order to get a
> girl= .=20
> thusfar, he hasn't been successful. what other advice can i give to
> my=20 love-deprived amigo?
>
> ------=_Part_1657_28006929.1117843264810
> Content-Type: text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
> Content-Disposition: inline
>
> <div>oh wise and glorius internet oracle, my&nbsp;legs&nbsp;quiver at
> the t= hought of your wisdom.</div>
> <div>&nbsp;</div>
> <div>i have a friend who is convinced that no girls will ever like him.
> he = IS kind of a computer nerd (marching band, robot-building, etc)
> but he's a = really nice kid. I keep telling him that the perfect girl
> isnt just going t= o fall out of his ass and that he has to apply
> himself in order to get a gi= rl. thusfar, he hasn't been successful.
> what other advice can i give to my = love-deprived amigo?
> </div>
>
> ------=_Part_1657_28006929.1117843264810--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see alot of this problem during my examination of the entire world's
} activities: computer-types who don't understand why they can't find
} love, who wonder why no-one seems to understand them.  But it seems to
} be difficult for them to put themselves into the place of the other
} person and see their point of view.  Often it helps to use an example
} from literature:
}
} JULIET:
}     O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
}     Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
}     Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
}     And I'll no longer be a Capulet.
}
} ROMEO [Aside.]:
}     > ------=_Part_1657_28006929.1117843264810
}     > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
}     > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
}     > Content-Disposition: inline
}
} JULIET:
}     Eh, what was that?  Oh, where was I?
}     Names, yes name ...
}     What's in a name? That which we call a rose
}     By any other word would smell as sweet.
}     So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called,
}     Retain that dear perfection which he owes
}     Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name;
}     And for thy name,  which is no part of thee,
}     Take all myself.
}
} ROMEO:
}     > I take thee at thy word.=20
}     > Call me but love, and I\222ll be new=20
}     > baptized;
}     > Henceforth I never will be Romeo.=20
}     > ------=_Part_1657_28006929.1117843264810--
}
} JULIET:
}     What man art thou, that, thus bescreened in quoted printables,
}     So stumblest on my counsel?
}
} ROMEO:
}     > Content-Type: text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1
}     > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
}     > Content-Disposition: inline
}     > <div>&nbsp;&nbsp;By a&nbsp;name</div>
}     > <div>I know not how to tell thee who I am.=
}     > <div>
}
} JULIET:
}     Look, I'm going back inside mister.  If you don't leave,
}     I'll tell dad to send the dog out.
}
} ROMEO:
}     > <div>It\222s me <em>Romeo</em>,=20
}     > Aw, not again</div>
}
} It's simple really, good English does not need markups.
} And chicks dig good English.


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