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Internet Oracularities #1386

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Internet Oracularities #1386    (40 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 23 Jun 2005 07:00:02 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1386
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1386  40 votes 27bb9 13aga 2fe81 4cc84 ab973 47ec3 26gc4 09hb3 29ee1 6ec62
1386  3.1 mean  3.5   3.8   2.8   2.9   2.5   3.1   3.2   3.2   3.1   2.6


1386-01    (27bb9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings;
>  I humbly request your wisdom. Why must people create traffic jams out
>  of sheer selfish driving habits, when all that is necessary is the
>  continuing awareness of being part of a traffic system...
> Eagerly awaiting the blessing that is your reply...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a very interesting question, because it conjures up an
} interesting conundrum.
}
} If you take a microscope, and look at the tiniest blood vessels in the
} body, you'll see that as the blood vessels get smaller and smaller, the
} blood corpuscles neatly line themselves up in rows, so that when they
} get to the capillaries, they're marching in single file.
}
} Wouldn't it be nice, if cars behaved the same way?
}
} Here's the real question, though:  Given that most drivers have the
} same intelligence as a blood corpuscle, why *don't* they behave the
} same way?
}
} You owe the Oracle a research project to determine the answer to this.


1386-02    (13aga dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, whose alarm clock's snooze button
> retains the initial springiness that it had when you bought it,
> how might I avoid sleeping in too late?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get a cat.
}
} MRRROWWWWWWWWW!!!
}
} Sorry, get a cat and love it and feed it and lavish it with attention.
}
} They're like little furry wet-nosed spiky alarm clocks, and they DON'T
} come with a snooze button. First comes the loud purring in the ear,
} then the tickling of the nose with whiskers, a cold wet nose pressed to
} the eyelids, before the final coup de grace of a claw hooked inside one
} nostril. If you can sleep through that, you have a medical condition.
}
} One I wouldn't mind, frankly.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those automated cat feeders. Girlfriends, I
} think they're called.


1386-03    (2fe81 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Majestic Oracle, you are even better than most
> omniscient beings.  They know everything that's true, but
> you even know stuff that ISN'T true!  For instance, you can
> understand what my grandmother meant when she said, "Cleanth
> is next to Goth."
>
> We always thought it was her way of telling us that Cleanliness
> is next to Godliness, until I happened upon her old World
> Atlas, with a bookmark on the page for the country of Pullova,
> next to Freezebottom in the Bosnian Alps.  THERE THEY WERE on
> the page, the two towns Clenth and Goth, not at all far from
> each other.
>
> Please explain all the history related to these towns, including
> the scoop on how my grandmother (now finally dead) knew about
> them when she was born in Alton, Illinois, which is about as
> far from the Bosnian Alps as one can get while remaining sane.
> Oh, and did the Goths of ancient sacking-Rome history come from
> Goth, or vice-versa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid you misunderstood.
}
} "Cleanth" is a lifestyle from the early 20th century.  A
} counter-culture to the Flappers of the Roaring 20s.  While most of
} America was "living it up", having fun, and disregarding authority, the
} Cleanths were all about keeping quiet and clean, wearing bland colors,
} and behaving themselves. Over the years, the Cleanth movement became
} less popular, but more depressing for those who followed it.  One
} Cleanth visionary in the late 1970s, Robert Smith ("Cleanths" were
} known to choose their own names; the more boring and uninteresting, the
} better), decided that enough was enough, and began a search for a Cure.
}  However, his musical appeals to the Cleanth community not only went
} unanswered, but misunderstood.  The Cleanths, once standing for "Clean
} and Quiet", were suddenly stirred into a call for action to change
} things.  Thus, the "Goeth" movement was born (and foreshortened to
} "Goth").  However, the newly-formed Goths were unfortunately far too
} depressed to back up their new platform.  So the only way they could
} find to make the world a better place, was to wear more black and
} obsess over the inevitability of death.
}
} Thus, your grandmother was saying that she was once a Cleanth, but
} realized the error of her ways 30 years ago and joined normal society.
}
} "Cleanth is next to Goth" is a warning.  Heed not this lifestyle.


1386-04    (4cc84 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who's parenting advice has always been so accurate that
> I think you must be some sort of electronic "Super Nanny",
>
> My teenager has been taking a class in media studies, and now he's
> started acting strangely.  Only last week, he asked me if he could
> watch some "cult movies" at a friend's house.  Now, I don't know
> what sort of cult it is that he's fallen in with, but they've
> clearly got their claws into him.  Why he even showed no interest
> in seeing the prequel to "Dumb and Dumber", and that's not like him
> at all!
>
> What am I to do?  Do I have to de-programme him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your teenager is defective.
} Please return it to its original packaging and ship it back to the
} manufacturer for a full refund.


1386-05    (ab973 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know how you feel dear supplicant. I'm speechless
} over the Jackson verdict too.


1386-06    (47ec3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who always goes commando...
>
> Why did they take away the pants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} for the wedgies of sin is death.
}
} You owe the oracle a towel. Quickly.


1386-07    (26gc4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> Freemasonry: satanic cult, secret society, benevolent charity or
> upstanding organisation for gentlemen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You ask as if those options are mutually exclusive...


1386-08    (09hb3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear and Understanding Oracle, you'll know what I mean even though I'm
> being subtle.
>
> Mine are like huge melons, and my older sister's are cute but tiny. Big
> is painful, and also the guys make rude remarks. Can I be her instead?
> How?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear, your earlobes are nothing to be ashamed of. In Eastern
} cultures, large earlobes were regarded as a sign of nobility and
} wisdom. The rude remarks from members of the opposite sex merely show
} their own stupidity and closed-mindedness to other societies where
} something can be attractive sexually and beautiful culturally at the
} same time.
}
} The question of a body swap is not altogether difficult; your local mad
} scientist would be more than happy to perform the operation for little
} or no cost, and you can be assured of its success by the rules and
} regulations that govern horror/suspense movies, so long as you make it
} absolutely convincing after you've signed the contract that you do NOT
} want to swap bodies.
}
} However, before going to such an extreme to gain 'lobes like your
} sister's, take a moment to consider the fact that many girls around the
} world go to bed at night praying to be endowed as you are. Sure, it may
} be an inconvenience whilst performing athletic tasks of any sort, but
} you will always be assured a taxi on a rainy day in Tibet or China.
}
} Embrace your body for what it is, and embrace others with it to spread
} your joy of being you. Let your sister's ears be adorned as small and
} cute as she wants; yours are easily more majestic and regal.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hug and a compliment on his haircut.


1386-09    (29ee1 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that when we dust furniture, we're taking dust *off*, but
> when we butter bread, we're putting butter *on*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because people do not like dust on their furniture, but they do
} like butter on their bread. Although, you should not try to butter
} somebody's furniture because it does not work the other way around.
} This should have become obvious to you when you didn't like the taste
} of your dust sandwich.
}
} You owe The Oracle a new couch.


1386-10    (6ec62 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, sagacious sage, whose sagery was never surpassed simply by several
> other simple sages saging in synchronocity. . .
>
> Everytime I stare at the Sun for more than five minutes at a time, I
> get a headache. This has bothered me for many years. Why can't the Sun
> irradiate someone else for a change? Luckily for me though, I recently
> acquired a fair sum of money, with which I built a rocket, fully
> loaded. Power windows, flight-couch side airbags, the works. Not to
> mention that really spiffy water balloon launcher . . . I plan to
> travel to the Sun and teach him/her/it a lesson. Are you with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ph simpleton supplicant. You should merely block out the sun with
} sunglasses like normal people... I suggest you open the power windows
} when you get in orbit. It'll give you a whole new perspective.
}
} You owe the oracle video footage of you opening the window in space.


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