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} But I just told you that story last night. Can't we do a a different
} story for a change? All right, all right, don't whine.
}
} <Sheesh>
}
} Once upon a time, long long ago when huge, ravenous candy companies
} like Mars and Hershey ruled the Earth, there lived a species of bulk
} candy called the Dinasours. They lived in relative peace and harmony,
} herding together in the safety of caves and transparent plastic bins
} at supermarkets all across the land. Being small and very tangy they
} were a favorite prey of young and old alike, but because there were
} so many they hardly missed the ones who were taken away and eaten.
}
} But one day there came a rumbling from the ground. A mighty,
} foul-smelling wind called Marketing was coming, bringing change
} and focus groups. "Obsolete!" the hideous Marketers shouted at the
} Dinasours. Then the Marketers began a strange magical ritual that was
} terrible to behold, dancing around blind taste testers and intoning
} such unearthly words as "core demographic," "impulse purchase,"
} and the stomach-turningly... it is too a word! I looked it up!...
} stomach-turningly suggestive "market penetration."
}
} The poor Dinasours tried to flee, but they were mesmerized by the
} awful incantation. Bereft of their will, they mutated into a strange
} and previously unknown species, the Chickenasour. Tangy and sweet,
} made with 100% breast meat, they were the embodiment of the popular
} Chinese dish "sweet and sour chicken" in convenient candy form.
} At least that's what the advertising copy said.
}
} Still entranced by the sanity-wrenching magic of the Marketers, the
} Chickenasour were led to a strange city full of unemployed rednecks
} and illiterate football players, a placed called "Test Market"
} by the Marketers but which polite folk know as Columbus, Ohio.
} There the Chickenasour were sold into slavery, knowing that death
} would comes swiftly in the mouth of some kid in a convenience store.
}
} But then a miracle happened. Magical fairies from the U.S. Department
} of Agriculture (which really hates to be called the Department o'Fag)
} appeared, accusing the Marketers of using improperly inspected meats
} in their Chickenasours and demanding that they be freed (or "recalled"
} as the fairies put it). Protesting weakly but powerless before the
} fairies' impenetrable Code of Federal Regulations, the Marketers
} agreed to recall the Chickenasours.
}
} Unfortunately, the Code of Federal Regulations has a different
} definition of the word "recall" than the one you and I know. The Code
} required that all recalled foods be destroyed and disposed of in a
} sanitary landfill or sewer. So the poor Dinasours wound up flushed
} down the toilet, to never be seen again. The end.
}
} Now go to sleep. It's already.... what's that noise? Oh, it's gone now.
} I just thought I heard something under your bed. Well, good night!
}
} <Heh heh heh>
}
} You owe the Oracle a bedtime story told by Martha Stewart.
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