[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:13:01 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1387

Goto:
1387, 1387-01, 1387-02, 1387-03, 1387-04, 1387-05, 1387-06, 1387-07, 1387-08, 1387-09, 1387-10


Internet Oracularities #1387    (34 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 09 Jul 2005 10:13:31 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1387
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1387  34 votes 24aa8 37ba3 4c6a2 26ca4 33bf2 3b8a2 368a7 36cb2 128g7 14c89
1387  3.3 mean  3.5   3.1   2.8   3.2   3.3   2.9   3.4   3.1   3.8   3.6


1387-01    (24aa8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, Who is more daring than Master Chief, Who knows
> more about particle physics than Gordan Freeman and who can pwn in
> Counter-Strike, UT20 04 And Quake.
>
> In a battle of technology, who would win in a battle between Star
> Wars and Star Trek?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Should these two imaginary universes manage to collide, there would
} be some initial skirmishes of no particular strategic significance.
} Soon the battle would come down to:
}
} Star Trek: Seven of Nine and T'Pol
} Star Wars: Padme and Leia
}
} Battle:  Tag team Jell-O wrestling
}
} Winner:  Nobody would care, so long as the battle went on for a while.


1387-02    (37ba3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, oh, oh!  O Oracle, I screamed in pain or delight
> when I found I could get answers from you.  Right now
> I don't have any questions, but I know I will by tomorrow,
> and with you being so dad-blamed omniscient, I'm sure
> you know what they are.  Give me the answers to the
> even numbered ones.  The occasional odd one can wait.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 2: Same as #1.
} 4: Same as #3.
} 6: Same as #5.
} 8: Same as #7.
} 10: Same as #9.
}
} The Oracle is annoyed at your long list of questions and promises that
} answers to future questions will be very beneficial or extremely
} hazardous, but he won't tell you which is which.


1387-03    (4c6a2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, I decided.  I'm going to convert from being a Catholic into
> being a Presbyopian.  My daughter says it's shortsighted, but
> she's not in my shoes.  I'm in my slippers.
>
> I'll still go to confession with Father O'Rourk (or whoever is
> in that damned confessional), but what should I say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Say:
} Bless me father, for I have sinned.
} I am about to commit a horrible murder.
}
} Then whip out a squirtgun, scream like a raving lunatic, and wait
} impatiently until the nice men come and take you to your new "church".


1387-04    (26ca4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most snazzy Oracle, whose ties never get trapped in heavy machinery,
>
> If your present incarnation is unfamiliar with the Myst series, please
> leave this message for another incarnation. Otherwise, here's my
> question: if the first four numbered games in the Myst series (in other
> words, not counting Uru) had Star Wars-style intro title crawls, what
> would they be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most skeptical supplicant,
}
} You were wont as a child to spurn the department store Santa toward
} whose voluminous lap your parents had steered you with a petulant cry:
} "YOU can't be the real Santa, because I just saw another Santa ringing
} his bell next to a kettle down on Elm Street!"
}
} And so you have grown into a young adult of cynical bent who suspects
} that not all incarnations of the Oracle are perfectly familiar with the
} obscurest trivia of the most tedious human pastimes. Such lack of faith
} is, not to put too fine a point on it, disheartening.  Nevertheless,
} the Oracle is bound by ancient decree to honor your request for wisdom.
}
} If the first four numbered games in the Myst series (not counting Uru,
} of course) had Star Wars-style intro title crawls, they would read
} thus:
}
}                                Episode I
}
}                                   MYST
}
}                    Turmoil has engulfed Myst Island.
}                      Hoping to resolve the matter,
}                      Atrus has secretly dispatched
}                        Sirrus and Achenar to hide
}                        some lumps of coal there.
}                               ============
}
}                                Episode II
}
}                                  RIVEN
}
}                        There is unrest in Riven.
}                      Several thousand game worlds
}                      have declared their intentions
}                      to give Atrus a lump of coal.
}                               ============
}
}                               Episode III
}
}                                  EXILE
}
}                        War! Tomahna is crumbling
}                       under attacks by a ruthless
}                              lump of coal.
}                               ============
}
}                                Episode IV
}
}                                REVELATION
}
}                       It is a period of civil war.
}                         Atrus' spies have stolen
}                       secret plans to the ultimate
}                          weapon of Sirrus, the
}                           Death Lump of Coal.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as Creosote the Wise) a tad more
} respect. Oh, and a box turtle trained to tap-dance while whistling "The
} Battle Hymn of the Republic".


1387-05    (33bf2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle,
>
> In the history of the world, from the time that a gene mutated just
> enough to produce Homo sapiens, to the precise instantaneous instant
> of the present, has there ever been a stupider human being than
> Tom Cruise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am sorry, supplicant, but I cannot answer that question since it
} relies on a false premise: That Tom Cruise is a human being. Mr.
} "Tom Cruise" (his real name is !Xf'gugryaFloprple) is in fact an
} alien from the fourth planet of the Tau Ceti system sent here as part
} of a group to pave the way for the invasion in 2008. The plan calls
} for each member of the group to gain fame and/or notoriety (other
} members of the groups include Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton) so
} that when the invasion commences, every human being will be glued
} to their television 24 hours a day watching the escapades of these
} devilish clever infiltrators without noticing what is really going on.
} Sic transit gloria mundi.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sleeping mask and a pair of ear plugs.


1387-06    (3b8a2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Vampire cows. Are they a good idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vampire cows are
} a force to be reckoned with
} when you slice them up
}
} Quite fine steak they make
} As long as you don't forget
} No garlic for me


1387-07    (368a7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of the Ages,
>
> My advisor has expressed some concern about my choice of thesis topic,
> namely "emulation of carnivory in artificial intelligence."  I suspect
> that my bringing the robot to sit in while I taught recitation, in
> which it attempted to eat several students, is his major concern.
>
> How can I encourage him and the department to realize the potential in
> computers which are able to hunt their own food rather than consuming
> expensive electricity?  Would a good start be to propose that after I
> graduate, I take the robot with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, "Emulation of Carnivory in AI"! We've been voraciously
} discussing this one for weeks now. You see, I had this idea that we
} could create these artificially intelligent nanobots that would feed
} on advertising. So the bunch of us huddled in the lab and, by gum, we
} figured it out. They were originally programmed to feed on unsolicited
} commercial email, what you call Spam, but the AI was so good that it
} actually migrated to direct mail.
}
} I tell you, the first time I walked down to the mailbox and found a
} single postcard from a vacationing friend not hidden within a whopping
} stack of Chinese menus, mail-order catalogs, and coupon mailers, I was
} joyous.
}
} And then it found the television and the radio. The dead air between
} each song was a welcome un-noise to my ears. Although, thanks to
} extensive product placement, the choppy television shows were a bit
} distracting, with the screens going black every other scene.
}
} But now we've hit a real snag: marketing these guys to the public. We
} haven't figured out how to sell these things before the little buggers
} eat their own ads. So it's back to the drawing board.
}
} As for your robot, if I were you, I'd reprogram it to stand around and
} feed you compliments. In the next few months, you're really going to
} need the support of your friend, the robot.
}
} You owe the robot a name.


1387-08    (36cb2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cute and fluffy Oracle, sometimes I think you are even wiser than my
> cat.  (I do not actually own this cat, because she seems to own me.  Oh
> well, she stays around because I feed her, I guess.)
>
> Do Oracles own cats?  Or at least have them roaming about the house?
> What kind of cat do you have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lowly and disrespectful supplicant, sometimes I think you are
} even less wise than your cat. And quaestions like this aren't
} helping your cause, let me tell you.
}
} Nobody actually owns cats, at least living ones (if you have
} stuffed cats around you are quite welcome to them). They may
} consent to live with you, be fed by you, etc. but they are
} nonetheless independent individuals and no presumption of any
} relationship of any kind should be made. While it is possible
} that they will stay in your house and eat your food for the
} rest of their lives, it is also possible that they will decide
} tomorrow to go somewhere else. In this situation you should
} not try to get the cat back; the cat has simply decided to
} move on, and you need to accept that this phase of your
} relationship is over. Unless the cat didn't actually mean to
} wander off, of course, in which case you should devote all
} your effort and resources in an all-out effort to find the
} cat and return it to its accustomed abode. Of course there's
} no way for mere humans to tell which course of action is the
} correct one. This is why cats hold humans in such disdain.
}
} As for Oracles specifically, you probably want the Cat Oracle.
} On the other hand, she's probably far too busy cleaning her
} fur to listen to questions from a mere human... if you do try
} to get answers from her, I suggest taking a can-opener with
} you so you can at least get her attention for a short while.
} If you *really* want to get in the Cat Oracle's good books,
} invent a can-opener that can be used by cats. But make sure
} you can live with the consequences first. Ever wonder why
} cats put up with you humans?
}
} Speaking personally, as the Internet Oracle I don't really
} have much use for pets. They're really rather hard to email,
} and will remain so until the invention of Matter Transmission
} Protocol in 2537. Check back then.
}
} You owe the Oracle about six hours of sleep.


1387-09    (128g7 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Glorious Oracle, answerer of so many questions,
> my favourite MUD has been down for days, and I am going through
> withdrawal.  What should I do to combat this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} There are so many creative ways to misconstrue this question
} that I simply can't choose among them! So let me present:
}
} ----------------------------------------------------------
} THE INTERNET ORACLE'S TOP 10 WAYS TO COPE WHEN MUD IS DOWN
} ----------------------------------------------------------
}
} 10. Combat "this" by refusing to use "this" in conversation.
} Replace "this" by "that", "the one I have here", etc. After
} several days of ...the actions described...  ...the word in
} question... will feel so depressed that it will surrender
} unconditionally.
}
}  9. Instead of going through withdrawal, go through
} Albuquerque. I suppose it depends on whether you feel like
} getting into a cartoon adventure (cf Bugs and Daffy) as to
} whether you should turn left there or not.
}
}  8. Turn around and come back. After a period of withdrawal
} the same length as what you've experienced so far, you'll
} be back at your favourite MUD again. It may still be down,
} but you won't have as far to go when it gets back up.
}
}  7. Don't be fooled by the advertising! Your favourite mud
} is no better than common or garden variety mud, it just has
} better packaging and a catchy jingle. Go grab a bucket and
} a spade and make your own. Ask a small child for help if
} you've forgotten how.
}
}  6. Give it Viagra. Then go and have a really hard^H^H^H^H
} deep^H^H^H^Hlong^H^H^H^Hgood think about your life.
}
}  5. Take the down and use it to stuff a nice fluffy quilt.
} Trust me, it'll be much more comfortable than mud on those
} cold winter nights.
}
}  4. Mud is supposed to be down. Aerial mud is very rare,
} at least mud that remains aerial for any great length of
} time. So get over it.
}
}  3. Decide to host your own MUD. By the time you get
} through setting everything up, the other one will be
} back up again.
}
}  2. Get the maintainer to send the Oracle a tellme. Make
} sure you get the question, and tell him he owes it to the
} Oracle to get the MUD back up again.
}
} And the Number One way to cope when your MUD is down:
}
}  1. Give it Prozac.
}
} You owe the Oracle a theory about why, whenever someone
} sits down to write a Top 10 list, they can only think of
} 8 or at most 9 entertaining answers to put in it, so they
} just make up stupid ones to fill it out. And then think
} of another three funny answers after it's been sent out.


1387-10    (14c89 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Prosplungent Oracle, I hold you in High eSteam, which warms your Heart
> so you won't ZO'T me aggain.
>
> Tell me about the Dinasours and this time don't omit about the Giant
> Chickenasour.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But I just told you that story last night. Can't we do a a different
} story for a change? All right, all right, don't whine.
}
} <Sheesh>
}
} Once upon a time, long long ago when huge, ravenous candy companies
} like Mars and Hershey ruled the Earth, there lived a species of bulk
} candy called the Dinasours. They lived in relative peace and harmony,
} herding together in the safety of caves and transparent plastic bins
} at supermarkets all across the land. Being small and very tangy they
} were a favorite prey of young and old alike, but because there were
} so many they hardly missed the ones who were taken away and eaten.
}
} But one day there came a rumbling from the ground. A mighty,
} foul-smelling wind called Marketing was coming, bringing change
} and focus groups.  "Obsolete!" the hideous Marketers shouted at the
} Dinasours. Then the Marketers began a strange magical ritual that was
} terrible to behold, dancing around blind taste testers and intoning
} such unearthly words as "core demographic," "impulse purchase,"
} and the stomach-turningly...  it is too a word! I looked it up!...
} stomach-turningly suggestive "market penetration."
}
} The poor Dinasours tried to flee, but they were mesmerized by the
} awful incantation. Bereft of their will, they mutated into a strange
} and previously unknown species, the Chickenasour. Tangy and sweet,
} made with 100% breast meat, they were the embodiment of the popular
} Chinese dish "sweet and sour chicken" in convenient candy form.
} At least that's what the advertising copy said.
}
} Still entranced by the sanity-wrenching magic of the Marketers, the
} Chickenasour were led to a strange city full of unemployed rednecks
} and illiterate football players, a placed called "Test Market"
} by the Marketers but which polite folk know as Columbus, Ohio.
} There the Chickenasour were sold into slavery, knowing that death
} would comes swiftly in the mouth of some kid in a convenience store.
}
} But then a miracle happened. Magical fairies from the U.S. Department
} of Agriculture (which really hates to be called the Department o'Fag)
} appeared, accusing the Marketers of using improperly inspected meats
} in their Chickenasours and demanding that they be freed (or "recalled"
} as the fairies put it). Protesting weakly but powerless before the
} fairies' impenetrable Code of Federal Regulations, the Marketers
} agreed to recall the Chickenasours.
}
} Unfortunately, the Code of Federal Regulations has a different
} definition of the word "recall" than the one you and I know. The Code
} required that all recalled foods be destroyed and disposed of in a
} sanitary landfill or sewer. So the poor Dinasours wound up flushed
} down the toilet, to never be seen again. The end.
}
} Now go to sleep. It's already.... what's that noise? Oh, it's gone now.
} I just thought I heard something under your bed. Well, good night!
}
} <Heh heh heh>
}
} You owe the Oracle a bedtime story told by Martha Stewart.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org