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Internet Oracularities #1388

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Internet Oracularities #1388    (34 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 03 Aug 2005 17:25:33 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1388
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1388  34 votes 67687 08ba5 12fb5 3676c 115de 45f73 57b65 04ea6 37b85 34i81
1388  3.3 mean  3.1   3.4   3.5   3.5   4.1   3.0   3.0   3.5   3.1   3.0


1388-01    (67687 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, scourge of ignorance, I implore you,
>
> Some years ago I came across a faded map.  It appears to be a treasure
> map, suspiciously slow.  It had big pretty red Xs, pictures of sea
> dragons and boats, and had a big, carefully drawn dotted line.  The
> beautifully writtten (with solid calligraphy!) riddle instructions to
> the treasure really made me suspicious.  Surely no real pirates would
> have had the time, the materials, and the art skills to draw such an
> impressive treasure map.  However, recently I have begun to wonder
> anew, what if it's real?  So, great Oracle, I beg of you to solve
> their piratical riddle so that I can claim the treasure:
>
> Yar, if ye be seeking a treasure most great,
> Of ducats, ingots, gold, silver, and gemstones of weight,
> Seek ye a cross of aurulent lyght,
> a preacher to scorn it, and a simian to fyght,
> Fry him in batter and oils most fine,
> Then fivescore paces Eastwards, ya dang scurvy swine.
>
> Find a communicator, awesome and great,
> Known for its bees and hatred of sharing,
> Spin it threefold times and proceed post haste,
> 500 steps forwards, 200 steps waste.
>
> Now dig, mortal, dig, if the treasure you dare,
> But do be sure to attention you care.
> Hades's hound, Cerberus, waits for you there,
> With a bit of a bite and a penchant for were.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >list
}
} The bag merchant eyes your meager purse with a look of
} disappointment.  "Here's what I've got:"
}
} Price Item
} 5 g........A wool sack
} 6 g........A paper grocery bag
} 8 g........A sturdy, burlap sack
} 26 g.......A paper bag of holding
}
} >x wool sack
}
} It has many holes from moths. It appears to have been made from an old
} coat.
}
} >x paper bag
}
} These magical grocery bags are often used by the wealthy shoppers of
} the  town to make large amounts of groceries easier to carry. It is
} in pristine condition.
}
} >i
}
} In your inventory, you have:
}
} A treasure map
} A copper key
} A stone key
} The head of a Grue (7)
} A lantern (2)
} The Vorpal Blade of the Githyanki
} 46 gold pieces
}
} >buy paper bag
}
} The merchant's eyes light up. He takes your money, shoving it directly
} into his pocket, and hands you a paper bag of holding.
} "Make good of yer purchase, lad!"
}
} >n
}
} You almost get lost in the crowd, but you find yourself in a
} bustling  open-air market. The sweet smell of cotton candy fills your
} nose,  reminiscent of a carnival. There are people everywhere, and
} more fruit  vendors than anything else. A few blue umbrellas denote
} bag merchants, an integral part of the town's economy.
}
} North: A bustling open-air market
} East: A bustling open-air market
} West: A fruit vendor
} South: A bag merchant
}
} >n
}
} You almost get lost in the crowd, but you find yourself in a
} bustling  open-air market. The sweet smell of cotton candy fills your
} nose,  reminiscent of a carnival. There are people everywhere, and
} more fruit  vendors than anything else. A few blue umbrellas denote
} bag merchants, an integral part of the town's economy.
}
} North: A bustling open-air market
} East: A fruit vendor
} West: A path to the Cathedral
} South: A bustling open-air market
}
} >w
}
} You walk down a smooth, stone path with inlaid marble crosses that
} leads  through a series of marble statues, most of previous religious
} leaders of the area. There is a fountain in the centre of the path that
} bubbles out hot cocoa; its sweet smell fills the air with chocolatey
} goodness!
}
} East: A bustling open-air market
} West: The Cathedral steps
}
} >x cross
}
} The cross is made of marble, and is quite firmly in the ground. It does
} not have an aurulent lyght.
}
} >drink cocoa
}
} You bend over and fill your belly with delicious hot cocoa. It has
} miniature marshmallows in it! Delightful.
} You are no longer thirsty.
} You are no longer hungry.
}
} >w
}
} The spires of the Cathedral tower above you as you mount the wide,
} marble stairs that lead to it. The familiar bubbling sound of a cocoa
} fountain  floats from the east. There are several crates in the
} corner; you recognise them as the daily fan mail for the clergy.
}
} North: The main town square
} West: A Foyer in the Cathedral
} East: A path to the Cathedral
} South: The main town square
}
} >x crates
}
} They are sturdy, wooden crates with various postage stickers. One of
} the  crates has an aurulent glow!
} You can tell no more, because the crates are not open.
}
} >open crate
}
} The lid is on tight.
}
} >take crate
}
} I think the priests would notice.
}
} >eat crate
}
} I don't think the crate would agree with you.
}
} >kick crate
}
} KaPOW! You kick the crate, and fan mail flies everywhere.
} Oops!
}
} >x mail
}
} It's just normal fan mail for the religious figures, only it's
} scattered all over. I wonder who did that!
} Most of them seem to be addressed to someone named Lisa.
} One of the envelopes has an aurulent glow.
}
} >open glow
}
} You open the glowing envelope.
}
} >x glow
}
} You find a cross of aurulent lyght!
}
} >take cross
}
} Taken.
}
} >scorn cross
}
} You need to be holding it first!
}
} >hold cross
}
} You grab a cross of aurulent lyght from your inventory.
}
} >scorn cross
}
} You try your hardest to scorn a cross of aurulent lyght, but it seems
} your efforts are in vain.
} You will likely need a preacher to scorn it. Perhaps you could find one
} in the Cathedral.
}
} >You owe the Oracle the rest of this adventure.
}
} I don't understand that.
}
} >_


1388-02    (08ba5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great unseen oracle, I have many talents and skills but have not
> lived up to my potential and do not see that I have benefited mankind
> with my life. How can I find my true path and do what I came here to do
> in this life?
>
> earnest student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Earnest,
}
} Fear not, all you need to do is take this handy little
} Five Question Quiz. Then you'll know what job is right
} for you. Yes, job. Path-smath, work dude, that's all
} there is. Enjoy.
}
} 1) Which of these motivates you the most?
}     a) Money!
}     b) Fear
}     c) Sex
}     d) Fear of Sex
}
} 2) Which of these work environments most appeals to you?
}     a) Pedal to the Metal competition with deadlines and
}        heavy stress
}     b) Physical Danger followed by the thrill of victory
}     c) Someone else does the thinking, I just lie there, and
}        well, maybe squirm every now and then knowingly
}     d) I prefer to work alone
}
} 3) What's your favorite part of the newspaper?
}     a) Business section, checking stock prices
}     b) Sports
}     c) Entertainment, Comics
}     d) People still read newspapers?!
}
} 4) Which of these people do you admire most?
}     a) Bill Gates
}     b) Tim Duncan
}     c) Jennifer Aniston
}     d) Steve Polge
}
} 5) How do you spend your free time?
}     a) Free time?
}     b) Shooting hoops, scuba diving, karate
}     c) Consumption, be it food, drugs or consumer goods
}     d) Online
}
}        ====================================
}                     Scoring
}        ====================================
}
} Which letter did you select the most often, a,b,c, or d?
}
} If you did not select any one letter a minimum of three
} times then your best job choice is: Common Laborer
}
} If you are confused by the scoring directions the
} best job choice for you is: Middle Management
}
} If you had three or more 'a' answers the best job
} choice for you is: Confidence Man
}
} If you had three or more 'b' answers the best job
} choice for you is: Museum Curator
}
} If you had three or more 'c' answers the best job
} choice for you is: Housewife
}
} If you had three or more 'd' answers the best job
} choice for you is: Keep the job you already have,
} a mind-numbing cog in front of a keyboard all day.
} You're trapped dude. Deal.
}
}          ================================
}
} You owe the Oracle an ounce of mono-atomic gold.


1388-03    (12fb5 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know about the Minesweeper game that comes with Windows.
> Maybe you even like to play it, which I assume you do with
> your Omniscience turned off, at least a bit, so you're not
> cheating.
>
> Well, I went to play it yesterday, after my brother had been
> fooling around with my computer.  I didn't notice until it
> was too late that he'd replaced it with MINDSWEEPER!  For a
> whole day my mind was blank, and I only got it together again
> this morning.
>
> What's the right thing to do to my brother to get back at
> him?  Short-sheeting his bed isn't enough, not for this.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Swap his Solitaire for a copy of Souladare and stand back
} and watch what happens when the Devil really wins a game.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Stigmata" DVD.


1388-04    (3676c dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wonderfully Wonderful Oracle, you know damned
> near everything (being that you are specially
> Omniscient and all that stuff) so you'll have
> no problem with my question.
>
> What is this "je ne sais quoi" thing?  Why doesn't
> anyone I ask want to admit either (1) what it is,
> which has got to be such a letdown, or (2) they don't
> know, which is probably worse.
>
> Oh, I forgot I did get an answer from my cousin
> Edgar, who says it's "Jeannie says Quoits."  He
> claims the French are rotten spellers.  Edgar is
> usually talking through his hat.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Edgar is wrong once again. This "je ne sais quoi" is actually the
} result of an Englishman's being rotten at French and oenology.
}
} To understand the origin of the phrase "je ne sais quoi", we have
} to go back to 14th-century Aquitaine, or to be more precise, to the
} village of Saint-Maximilien-sur-Mer in the month of October, 1357.
} At that time, the Hundred Years' War was well underway, and the region
} of Aquitaine was controlled by the English.
}
} Walter William Lord Brimborough was an English nobleman who had
} served in France, and had settled in Aquitaine. He had bought a
} nice manor in Saint-Maximilien-sur-Mer, and was fervently trying to
} blend in with the locals. He learned French and tried to adapt to the
} French culture.  The reason for this was that he fancied a young girl
} from the village, Anne.  She was a gorgeous brunette with beautiful
} almond-shaped eyes, a full, luscious mouth, and a perfect figure.
} Anne's father was Louis-Antoine, baron des Flandelles du Sarn, an
} influential man, who attached great value to the French way of life.
}
} Walter William's only hope of ever conquering Anne was to get on good
} terms with the baron. To that end, he went so far as to eat snails,
} drink wine and play petanque, although he much preferred fish 'n'
} chips, stout and a good game of rugby. Truth be told, it took him a
} while to learn that he should throw his petanque balls from behind
} the line, and not take them under his arm and run across the field.
} Likewise, he had great trouble telling a good wine from a bad one.
} As no expense was too much for Lord Brimborough if he could increase
} his chances of winning Anne's hand, he took the old viticulturist
} next door, Jehan Petit, as his personal teacher of oenology.
}
} One evening, Walter William and Jehan were sitting at the wooden
} table in the dining room of the manor, tasting bottle after bottle of
} Beaujolais.  According to the English Lord, all this fermented grape
} juice, whether it was called Chateau Lafite-Rothschild, Bourgogne
} Passetoutgrains or Vin de Table, was way inferior to the noble brews
} from his home country.  But when Jehan asked him what he thought of
} this particular Beaujolais, a Chiroubles 1357, Walter William didn't
} want to make a fool of himself, and said: "Well, err, I don't know.
} It is... well... it has a certain..." Seeing that Walter William
} really didn't have a clue, Jehan interrupted him: "Jeune. Sec. Ouah!"
} And indeed, it was a very dry wine, much to young for drinking, and
} generally despicable. Walter William Lord Brimborough made a mental
} note of Jehan's opinion on this wine, just like he had memorised
} the man's remarks about all the other wines they had tasted so far.
} Chiroubles 1357: jeune-sec-ouah.
}
} One week later, Lord Brimborough plucked up the courage to ask
} Louis-Antoine des Flandelles du Sarn for his daughter's hand.
} He was kindly invited for diner at the baron's mansion to discuss
} matters further.  When William arrived, he was brought to the dining
} table, which was laden with the finest foods: cervelles de veau,
} escargots frais au vinaigre, tender steaks, salads, and much more.
} All these delicacies were accompanied by a selection of wines.
} What Walter William didn't know, was that the baron intended to put
} him to the test. One wrong remark on the steak being too tender, one
} faux pas as to the quality of a wine, and Walter William's prospects
} would be shattered. Fortunately, before going to the diner, Lord
} Brimborough had mentally reviewed all of Jehan Petit's remarks on
} the various wines they had tasted together.
}
} All went well, the food was superb, the wine flowed abundantly, and
} because of Walter William's knowledgeable comments on all the wines,
} the two gentlemen got along rather well. There were a few awkward
} moments when Lord Brimborough poured too much gravy over his steak,
} but Louis-Antoine was inclined to give the Englishman the benefit
} of doubt. He decided to play his decisive trick. He had a bottle
} of Chiroubles 1357 opened and asked his prospective son-in-law what
} he thought about it. Just like he had done all night, Walter William
} reproduced Jehan Petit's opinion on the wine. "Well," he said, stroking
} his chin, "it has a certain... je ne sais quoi." The baron burst out
} laughing, kissed him on the cheek, and said: "Merveilleux, mon ami!
} Quel diplomate! Trop fort!" Lord Brimborough didn't quite comprehend
} this compliment, but smiled politely.
}
} That evening, Louis-Antoine said to his daughter: "Anne, I am going
} to marry you to one of the most courteous and civilised men of
} all of Aquitaine. Even when I had him taste the most confoundedly
} abysmal wines of the season, he never lost his benign countenance,
} and found a way to express his doubt about that wine in such a way as
} not to insult his host. He is the perfect son-in-law, and you shall
} be married forthwith."
}
} And so it came to pass that Walter William Lord Brimborough was
} united in holy matrimony with the beautiful Anne, daughter of the
} baron des Flandelles du Sarn. As soon as the ceremony was over, he
} started preparations for his return to England. By the beginning of
} November, Lord and Lady Brimborough had taken up residence in Sussex,
} near the town of Whittleston. Lord Brimborough could once again
} indulge in real foods, real drinks and real sports. But there was
} one bit of French culture, or rather French idiom, that he did not
} abandon, because it had been so successful.  Whenever his judgment
} was asked on an important matter, he would stroke his chin and say:
} "It has a certain... je ne sais quoi."
}
} You owe the Oracle a cask of Chiroubles 1357. By now, it should have
} ripened perfectly.


1388-05    (115de dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Omiscient Oracle, who manages to avoid tricky situations rather than
> getting out of them, could you please help me on a really urgent and
> most important matter?
>
> In about 15 minutes, my girlfriend will arrive here at my place.
> I had promised to cook her a fancy dinner, but I've been reading
> Oracularities digests all afternoon and forgot all about diner.
> Now it's too late to run to the supermarket, and I'll have to make
> do with what's left over in my kitchen:
>
> - 3 slices of bread (wholemeal)
> - some peanut butter
> - a can of kidney beans
> - a carton of orange juice
> - 5 potatoes, 2 of which have funny purple tentacles protruding from
>   them
> - a tin of SPAM
> - several bottles of beer
> - a bag of crisps (cheese & onion)
>
> Having a pizza delivered is out of the question.  Can you please
> give me a recipe for a nice, romantic diner to be prepared within
> 15 minutes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How could you forget about Diner?  That was a great show.
}
} But never mind that, now.  First, make sure that the beer is chilled.
} If this dinner turns out to be a disaster, you're going to need it.
}
} Slice the bread into small triangles and put a dollop of peanut butter
} on each.  Open the can of kidney beans and place two beans in the
} center of each triangle.  Tell her that they're some kind of fancy
} French hors d'oeuvres.  Don't worry about the taste.  The French don't.
} It's all about presentation.
}
} Slice the three good potatoes into thin circles.  Cube the Spam.
} Mix with the rest of the kidney beans and arrange in a microwave-safe
} casserole.  Crush the crisps over the top.  Microwave on HIGH until
} potatoes are tender, or until it starts to smell bad, or smoke, or
} give any other indication that the evening is beyond hope, which it
} almost certainly is.
}
} Garnish with the purple tentacles.  I can't believe I just told you
} to do that.
}
} For drinks:  Go to the kitchen, blow up a paper bag, and make it POP
} really loud.  Then mix orange juice and beer.  With a bit of luck,
} she'll think it's a mimosa.
}
} Good luck, but don't get your hopes up.  You are, after all, still
} wearing the clothes that you slept in.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice din--  Uh, never mind.  This one's on me.


1388-06    (45f73 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Eh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh!
}
} Day light come and me no want to go home!
}
} [ The stage lights up and there is Orrie, Lisa
}    and Zadoc all FUNKY as can be in neo-reggae
}    gear as they go RETRO and rock the bar!!! ]
}
} Come Mr. Queue-man writing me a question
}      (Day light come and me no want to go home)
} Write a snappy Answer all up nice for yah
}      (Day light come and me no want to go home)
} With six line, seven line, eight line reply Wow!
}       (Day light come and me no want to go home)
}
} [ Crowd goes wild, well, they clink their drinks
}    about and order another round -- which is the
}    whole idea anyway. ]
}
} You owe the Oracle a little paper umbrella.


1388-07    (57b65 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most mesmerizing and trustworthy, incline your ear
> to my lowly need for an answer if you would please. I thank you
> in advance.
>
> Should MacBeth have opened a fast food chain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but Titus Andronicus should have.


1388-08    (04ea6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yangzi Google Brandy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So this bad ass Japanese gangster, his skin blue with evil
} looking tattoos goes into a bar with his nerdy blond
} girlfriend. She plops her laptop down on the bar and starts
} searching the `Net for an image of a man eating macaroni.
} She finds it! Then filled with glee, she lets out a shout
} and sticks a feather in her boyfriend's hat. What do they
} order to drink?
}
} Dang, Jeopardy gets weirder every day.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tattoo for his elbow.


1388-09    (37b85 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people write "email" instead of "e-mail"?  The former
> spelling is at great risk of being confused with the French
> word for enamel.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tell me about it! I went to the dentist and he told
} me that I should brush more often or else risk
} everyone knowing about the MIME stuff on my teeth!!!
} Then I realized he had confused email and enamel, we
} both laughed about it for awhile and then I beat him
} senseless and got another doctor.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Formica counter top.


1388-10    (34i81 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you collect the answers that are blowin' in the
> wind while we are just flapping in the breeze.
>
> I've been seeing this lawyer, 'cos of a dispute with our
> neighbour about a fence he's putting up.  This stupid
> fence thing is really pissing me off, and I'm fed up with
> the whole thing and just at the end of my rope, especially
> with the money this suit is gonna cost me.  So I'm sitting
> in this office while this college boy rattles on, costing
> me a hundred bucks an hour or something, when he calls me
> a fatso.  I says "what, what you just say?", and he calls
> me it again - "Hipso fatso" - looking at me like I'm stupid.
> So I aint gonna put up with that, and I slug him.  And HE
> has the nerve to press charges against ME!
>
> So now I need a new lawyer, you know a good one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your lawyer was speaking Latin.  It's something
} they do to impress people.  It's just a lawyer thing,
} and they can't really help it.
}
} You should learn some Latin.  Go to Southern California
} or Southern Florids, or maybe North Carolina.  There
} are lots of Latin Folks in those places.  "Latinos"
} they call themselves.  Their brand of Latin isn't
} quite the same as your lawyer's, but it'll help you
} understand his insults better.  Ask the Latinos what
} "ipso facto" means: "Como se dice ipso facto en ingles?"
}
} Oh, and when you say that, you've gotta put an inverted
} question mark at the beginning of your sentence.
}
} After a while you'll sort of get the hang of it, and be
} speaking Latin better than Dan Quayle.
}
} You owe your lawyer an apology and the Oracle some
} Cuban cigars.


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